Fun:Coffee

An example of the beautiful inspiration a coffee canvas can create (alliteration not intended).

Coffee in its purest form (it tastes awful).

Coffee is the best drink on this planet. Due to its blatant superiority to tea, some of America's coffee lovers dumped thousands of pounds of tea into the Atlantic, causing the tea-loving Brits to declare war. France, fellow coffee lovers, came to assist the Americans, and they won. In response, the US created the Constitution with eleven amendments. The zeroth one, of course, making coffee the law of the land, and banning the teabagging Brits. However, this was forgotten when the Brit-loving tea-drinking Thomas Jefferson came to power, who created a pseudohistory that the war was about taxes, and that the zeroth amendment didn't exist.

Flavor

In spite of being an amazing drink, coffee tastes bloody fucking awful (although SOME PEOPLE think it tastes good). This has caused many to switch over to the tea side, but there is a solution. Mix together 90 trillion tbsp of creamer, ∞ tsp of sugar, and a drop of coffee.

We are the… uh… we can't find a relevant survey for the percentage.

Clearly the majority of Americans agree with us that coffee is amazing. The average coffee drinker has 2.7 cups a day, as the glorious gift of energy only lasts about six hours. SO STOP CRITICIZING US AND LET US DRINK OUR COFFEE! It's a drug, but so are penicillin and marijuana. We need this stuff to survive the modern world, SO FUCK YOU I'M DRINKING IT.

Profits

Coffee was a great for most of our history. It was cheap, abundant, and just great. But then, some jackasses called Starbucks popped up and had to ruin it. Populated mostly by Millennials these days, Starbucks is a chain of buildings that make up a country. In this country, slave labor is still de facto legal, and it's ruled as an oligarchy. Its main sources of income are coffee, tourism, and a multilateral slave trade with McDonald's, Wal-Mart, and other corporate nations. Worse, they are one of the most common ways 'Muricans get coffee. Keurig came to save the day, except for those who drink over five cups of coffee a day. It caused the explosion of coffee capsules into the mainstream, saving people from having to go to Starbucks.

See also

Tired of laughing? RationalWiki has a slightly more serious article about Coffee.

• Fun:Tea
• Tea Party movement, evidence of the link between tea and insanity

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