Fun:Conservapedia, The Musical/ASchlafly

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ASchlafly (to the tune of "Matchmaker" from Fiddler on the Roof)


Aschlafly, Aschlafly,

Make me a 'sop,

I’ll ban the trolls,

I’ll make them stop!

ASchlafly, ASchlafly

Look how I’ve tried,

To suck up to you with pride!

ASchlafly know that I’ll

Work without fail

Here in my room,

Pasty and pale.

Make me sysop for I'm longing to be,

The envy of all CP!

Oh, Andy,

You’re such a scholar.

Your mama

Is as rich as a king.

And I hope

You won’t think I’m gay

If I say you’re handsome as anything!

ASchlafly, ASchlafly,

Make me a 'sop,

I’ll back your claims,

I’ll play bad cop!

Night after night in the dark I'm alone

So make me a 'sop

Of your own!

(At this point, ASchlafly himself appears)


JinxM, oh JinxM,

Have I got a job for you!

Your IQ is high!

(Alright, it's 62.)

But you agree with what I say, true?


I know your posts are factual,

And even if they're not,

There's more to life than facts---

Don't ask me what.

I won’t let you move things,

Delete things or protect,

But lock the site?

Sure? Why not? What the heck!

‘Cause you agree with what I say, right?


Those liberals stoke my temper.

So ban them every night,

Your sycophant brown nosing,

Is quite all right!

True, you have no useful skills--

Well just do the best you can.

With your mindless devotion to all that I say

I know that you’re the man!


ASchlafly, ASchlafly,

I’ll do your work,

I’ll censor facts,

I’ll be a jerk.

Though simple science,

I misunderstand

I’m glad that I’m in command!

Tom Moore: (horrified)

Good gravy,

Andy’s gone mental!


Well, more so

Than he already was.


It's not that

J’s tempramental

Tom and Ames and Human:

It's just that his brain’s made of carpet fuzz!

ASchlafly, ASchlafly,

What have you done?

Jinx as a 'sop?

That should be fun!

Rather like arming

A chimp with a gun


Go do your thing

We’ll sit and laugh

Pay us no mind,

Tend to your staff--

They’re dumber than rocks by half!