Fun:Conservative Shakespeare Project

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As of 2024, there is no fully conservative translation of Shakespeare which satisfies the following guidelines:

1. Framework against Stratfordian Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by Stratfordian bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" characters, and other modern emasculation of Shakespeare, such as women playing women's roles; updating names which have a change in gender, such as "Ariel"
3. Combat Liberal Censorship: combating liberal censorship by using powerful conservative terms, such as "gun" rather than "dagger"; using modern political terms, such as "socialism" rather than "labor"
4. Clarify Free Market Plays: explaining the numerous economic plays with their full free-market meaning, e.g., Love's Labour's Lost = Socialism's Deceit Unprofitable
5. Exclude Later-Inserted Stratfordian Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal-glove-maker's-son passages that are not authentic, such as the "quality of mercy" speech
6. Credit Open-Mindedness of Nobles: crediting open-mindedness, often found in nobles like Edmund and Don John
7. Prefer Oxfordian Conciseness over Stratfordian Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the Stratfordian style of high word-to-substance ratio

Thus, a project has begun among members of Conservapedia to translate the works of Shakespeare in accordance with these principles.

Hamlet

An excerpt from Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, as translated by William Schlafspeare:

Shakespeare	Proposed Conservative Translation	Analysis
To be, or not to be: that is the question:	Whether or not I exist is a question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,	Is it better to resist the lies propagated by liberal defeatism,	"Bad luck" is a liberal concept that denies God.
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,	Or better to arm yourself against a lake of claptrap,
And by opposing end them?	And by resisting stop it???
To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to,	To go to Hell, and not sleep there at all. And when I say sleep, I mean to finish being alive, because it is hard.
'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd.	That is a good thing.
To die, to sleep;	Sleep and death are similar--
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come	During both, you may or may not dream. Because you are dead.
Must give us pause:	You should be open-minded about that.
there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life;	Respect the sanctity of life by working against liberal abortionists.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, The insolence of office and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin?	Only a liberal would gladly kowtow to time’s bullets, the expert's lies, the elitist's elitism, the bad feeling of sodomy, bureaucracy, judicial activism, and taxes, when he could just as soon commit suicide with a nail.	Only the Best of the Public would be so humble as to admit this Conservative Principle!
who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death,	Who would volunteer in a progressive lifestyle, with fear of the logical reality of Hell???
The undiscover'd country	Hell is uncharted.
from whose bourn No traveller returns,	You can’t leave Hell.	This is simple logic.
puzzles the will	You're clueless.
And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of?	Buyer beware!
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;	Thoughts are scary.
And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,	Thoughts are really scary.
And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action.	Entrepreneurial spirit is borked by the socialist mobocracy.
Soft you now!	That's enough endless talk, talk, talk.	Hamlet was notorious for violating the 90/10 rule.
The fair Ophelia!	Here comes Ophelia, whom I find attractive. I will chivalrously open the door for her.
Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my sins remember'd.	Honor and worship!

Other excerpts

Shakespeare	Proposed Conservative Translation	Analysis
Is this a dagger which I see before me?	Aha! A largely defensive weapon of knife!
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!	I need to borrow your car, right now!	Notice that even in Shakespeare's time "Government Motors" was not favored.
Now is the winter of our discontent.	Open your mind, global warming is a liberal lie.
Get thee to a nunnery!	Protect your virtue!	Interesting interpretation, but logic indicates Ophelia was a liberal; "you're a bimbo" would be sufficient
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!	Open your minds.
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.	Godspeed to Caesar.
The evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones. So let it be with Caesar.	Liberal deceit is eternal. Conservative insight is 95% likely to be buried. Thanks and Godspeed to Caesar.	Good
This by his voice should be a Montague, Fetch me my Rapier boy.	A liberal, get my gun!	Tybalt understood the importance of the 2nd Amendment before it was even written
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.	The best of the public is better than a group of experts.
Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war	Yell "Liberal vandalism!" and let loose the largely defensive weapon of war dog.
Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow.	Last wordism!
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury Signifying nothing.	-signed by Aschlafly
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.	I'm not listening to your secular liberal lies anymore!
Brevity is the soul of wit.	Conciseness is the primary source of insights.

Sonnets

Sonnet 130

Shakespeare	Proposed Conservative Translation	Analysis
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;	My bimbo’s eyes aren’t like the sun.	"Woman" takes longer to say that "Bimbo". Historical case of liberal superfluousness.
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;	Coral is redder than her lips.
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;	Snow is white.	FINALLY we get to the bottom of things!
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.	And her black hair looks like wire.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,	I have seen beautiful autumn foliage	What a beautiful way to bring in Counterexamples to Evolution Thanks TK!
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;	But her face doesn't look like that
And in some perfumes is there more delight	And perfume objectively smells better
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.	Than her liberal breath.	Clearly, even Shakespeare had trouble describing how bad liberals' breath is.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know	I've reviewed her contributions and all she does is talk, talk, talk.	As all Shakespeare points to a moral message, this fine lesson on wiki editing seems to be it.
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;	Music by German composers sounds better.	Semicolons are tools of liberal atheist elites.
I grant I never saw a goddess go;	Goddesses are feminist liberal deceit.
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.	My bimbo walks on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare	Go bake some cookies, bitch, like the Bible tells you to!	It's hard to understand why she was even out of the kitchen.
As any she belied with false compare.	By the way, she lies about anything and everything.	Here Shakespeare confirms her a typical deceitful liberal.