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Fun:Teddy Roosevelt

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Necker cube.svg Tired of laughing? RationalWiki has a slightly more serious article about Teddy Roosevelt.
That mustache doesn't take crap from anyone. AKA The last thing you saw before a brutal ass-kicking.
It behooves every man to remember that the work of the critic is of altogether secondary importance, and that, in the end, progress is accomplished by the man who does things.
—a president who uses the word "behooves"

WARNING! Reading this article may result in increased volume of chest hair and/or pregnancy.

Teddy "Trust Bustin'" Roosevelt (1858-1919) was hands down the most badass president the United States has ever seen.[1]

This is because he

  • chose to spend his post-presidency time on an African safari
  • made up his own damn political party (colloquially known as the Gentleman's Club of Badassery The Bull Moose Party)
  • personally led the Rough Riders to victory in a decisive battle in the Spanish-American War, as the only one on horseback (and thus the most obvious target)
  • has his face carved into the side of a freaking mountain
  • inadvertently created the world's most popular kind of toy
  • received the Nobel Peace Prize and a Medal of Honor and the Japanese emperor's own set of Samurai swords
  • took up rowing, boxing, judo, polo, horseback riding, hiking, singlestick, and tennis[2]
  • Lost sight in one eye due to a boxing injury (while President) but refused to tell the other guy so he wouldn't feel sad[3]
  • Kept a wild badger as a pet, after a girl threw it at him (how else do you greet him?)
  • in spite of being the son of Teddy Roosevelt Sr, is the only Teddy Roosevelt people know about[4]
  • built the Panama Canal
  • Appointed William Howard Taft as VP because he needed a fat guy to help him practice his wrestling moves
  • Was one of the first people to survive crossing the infamous River of Doubt in Brazil[5]

And most awesomely

  • got shot before a speech and still delivered it anyway[6][7]
  • was known as a trust-buster, taking down monopolies and special interest groups during the days when companies were still openly hiring murderous thugs to eliminate their enemies
  • Once killed a cougar in a knife fight (how a cougar got a knife, we don't know)
  • Just look at that glorious mustache

And he did it all while wearing a pince-nez.


In addition to being the 26th president, TR attended both Harvard and Columbia, was the vice president of the US, governor of New York, Assistant Secretary of the Navy, state assemblyman,[8] New York police commissioner, and a colonel in the army.


Although he was a Republican (before switching over to his own party), Teddy was a conservationist and was quite progressive. Possibly the most badass aspect of him was his love of hunting, which of course requires that there actually be wilderness around to hunt in.

Upon Roosevelt's death by testosterone poisoning an autoimmune illness in 1919, his friend Thomas Marshall reportedly said of him, "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt were awake, there would have been a fight." Nothing more needs to be said.

External links[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Andrew Jackson's probably second
  2. Keep in mind that this man suffered from asthma and severe nearsightedness
  3. Most likely he was just impressed that someone managed to injure him at all, and thought the guy was amusing, so he didn't want the guy to live in fear for the rest of his life that Roosevalt was going to come after him
  4. This causes confusion as he named one of his sons "Teddy Roosevelt Jr" instead of "Teddy Roosevelt III", throwing off his entire line of descendants
  5. It is because of this feat that the river was later renamed THE RIVER OF UNQUESTIONABLE CERTAINTY... and then just "The Roosevelt River", for brevity's sake
  6. A brief account by History.com
  7. Contrast that with Donald Trump, who once whined at length about how much it would hurt to get hit in the face with a tomato
  8. Elected at age 23