Fun:Southpaw

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A southpaw is a person with the "desire or behavior of preferring the use of the left hand". Left-handedness has a number of causal factors that influence its ultimate origination in individuals, as well as a variety of effects on society at large.

The word owes its origins to the American sport of baseball, in which the playing field is oriented to the east so that in the evening, when it is usually played, the batters do not have to look into the setting sun while flailing at 90 mph fastballs. This results in pitchers[1] having the south to their left. Our dear readers are invited to figure the rest out for themselves.

In political jargon a Southpaw is the opposite of a Wingnut.

Sinister[edit]

The word "sinister" is from the Latin for left, reflecting its evil connotations. It is perhaps no coincidence that the socialists of the Democratic Party refer to themselves as the Left.[citation NOT needed]

A number of modern-day Satanist organizations and like-minded occultists, in recognition of the aforementioned connotations, use the phrase "Left-Hand Path" to describe their philosophy, so as to signify that it stands in opposition to the morality of the "Christian" world.[2]

Canadian researchers suggest southpaws are more likely to be paedophiles.[3]

The international southpaw[edit]

In China the phrase "left path" stands for illegal or immoral means. Although 13% of human beings openly choose the tragic southpaw lifestyle, many left-handed people remain in the closet in Muslim countries due to the stigma associated with it there. Traditionally, among desert nomads, the right hand was reserved for eating, while the left hand was used exclusively to wipe bottoms. This could account for the 53% correlation reported by the American Medical Association between southpaws and victims of anal cancer.[citation NOT needed]

Therapy[edit]

As late as the 20th Century there were "ex-southpaw" ministries which used aversion therapy to condition left-handed people away from their tragic and filthy lifestyle choice. The high recidivism rate can be laid at the door of the all-pervasive demonic influence in the world. The only permanent solution is for southpaws to renounce their former lifestyle and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.[citation NOT needed]

Prayer to receive Him now[edit]

"Jesus, I believe You are the Son of God and the Savior of the world who sitteth at the Right Hand of the Father. Thank you for coming to Earth and dying so that I could have eternal life. Please forgive all my sins. I am going to follow You with my life now. Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit and direct my steps. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Correlations[edit]

Scientists have been busy investigating what things are more or less common among southpaws than the general population. Sometimes this focus on the health risks and weirdness of left-handers recalls the insanity of the Daily Mail Oncological Project.

Allegedly linked with left-handedness:[4][5][6][7]

  • Inhibition
  • Anxiety
  • Schizophrenia
  • Psychosis
  • Breast cancer
  • Inflammatory Bowel Disease
  • Die sooner
  • Low Apgar score
  • Clumsier and accident prone
  • Earn less
  • Better at remembering events than facts
  • Better fighters
  • Higher IQ
  • High achievers
  • Transsexual
  • US President

See also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. A position in the game comparable to bowlers in cricket
  2. The Left Hand Path
  3. Paedophiles 'most likely to be left handed', The Daily Telegraph, 10 Jun 2015
  4. [1]
  5. [2]
  6. [3]
  7. [4]