Jesus

"My dad taught me that life is a popularity contest — love me or burn, kiddo!"

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Not to be confused with the fictional hero-figure, Jesús Malverde.

“”For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything.

—Hitchens 3:16

Jesus (Judeo-Aramaic: Yeshu(a) bar Yehosef, Greek, rom.: Iesous uiou tou Ioseph — Jesus son of Joseph, Arabic: ʿĪsā ibn Maryām — Jesus son of Mary), otherwise known as Jesus Christ ("Jesus the Anointed"), is the central figure of Christianity (in case the name didn't give it away), and also a prophet in Islam. "Jezus" is made the king of Poland.

In Christian theology, Jesus is the son of God, born to the Virgin Mary (just take her word for it). His function in the divine plan was that of the scapegoat, the human sacrifice which allegedly atoned for the very same fall of man which his father had planned all along. Once that necessary step of the scheme had been completed, Jesus became the original ghost (or at least spirit) in the process, after which he conjured up a ghost army (Matthew 27:52).

The Quran views Jesus as a Muslim, the prophesied Messiah, and the predecessor of Muhammad.

Jesus' life

Birth

See the main articles on this topic: Virgin birth and Nativity

The Bible gives two distinct lineages for Jesus (the "begats"), both an attempt to fulfill the prophecy that the Messiah would be of King David's lineage. The first lineage claims that he was the direct male line descendant of David through Joseph, which made sense given Paul's statement in Romans 1:1-3 that Jesus came "from the seed of David, according to the flesh" (the belief at the time was that women were the earth into which men planted their seed so here Paul expressly states that Jesus's link to David is through the male line: i.e. through Joseph) and in Galatians 4:4 stated "God sent his Son, born of a woman" using the word gune (woman) rather than parthenos (virgin). The second account traces the lineage through Mary's father, actually tracing Jesus to "Adam and Eve" (Luke 3:1). However, lineage was not transmitted through women back then, so double fail.

However, due to passages in Matthew and those in Luke (which might have been added later) that dominate early Christian mythology, Jesus is said, contrary to the explicit biblical texts, to have been born to a virgin mother, impregnated by the Holy Spirit without any of that nasty sex stuff having to be involved which is the so-called virgin birth or virginal conception held by most Christian religious groups In the Gospels of Matthew and Luke (written many decades after his purported crucifixion), Jesus was born in Bethlehem (Judea) to Mary, who at the time was a virgin; the pregnancy was initiated by the Holy Spirit. The Gospel of Luke relates that the angel Gabriel visited Mary in order to announce to her that she had been chosen to bear the Son of God (Luke 1:26–38). More likely, his father might have been Joseph. Alternatively according to some poorly supported accounts from the 2nd century CE his father might have been a depraved, lecherous Roman soldier called Pantera, or his father might have been some other human male who managed to find happy time with Mary. If Joseph were not his real father, Jesus would not be from the seed of David, thus disqualifying to be the Messiah; he would be just a 'christ' for the Christian religion.

The story goes that Caesar Augustus ordered a survey (for taxation) of the Roman Empire forcing Mary and Joseph to go to the home of Joseph's forebears—to the house of King David, although there are no records of such a survey taking place. The story of the travel to Bethlehem by Mary and Joseph to take part in a survey is almost certainly fictitious. Mary and Joseph would not have to take part in a survey of the Roman Empire, as they lived in a client kingdom and not a province, and a census asking people to travel from where they live to their hometown would be effectively worthless for taxation purposes. The reason for this particular fabrication is that Hebrew prophesy foretold that the Messiah would be born in Bethlehem.

According to children's Christmas songs the world over, for Jesus' birth, they were forced to use a manger for a crib because the town's inn was full. According to Luke 2:8-20, an angel spread word of Jesus' birth to several shepherds who came to visit the newborn. Matthew, on the other hand, tells of the Magi, who brought many gifts to the infant Jesus (among which were gold, frankincense and myrrh after following a star which they believed was an indication that a King of the Jews had been born).

Jesus was probably born in the town of Nazareth, in Galilee. However, this has been disputed by claims that there was no settlement at that location at that time, and some claims that the title 'Nazarene' is a mistranslation of Nazarite (meaning a Jewish holy man who sacrifices a lamb and does not cut his hair). Jesus' early home is stated to have been Nazareth, and except for an escape to Egypt in early childhood, to avoid Herod's massacre of the other male infants (another event that history does not record), all other events in the Gospels take place in ancient Israel. Luke's Finding in the Temple (Luke 2:41-52, where Jesus impressed the priests by discoursing in scripture with them (and disses his relatives waiting for him outside), is the only detailed event between Jesus' infancy and adult life mentioned in any of the canonical Gospels.

Ministry

The Gospel of Mark begins with the baptism of Jesus by John the Baptist, which appears to be the beginning of Jesus' public ministry. Jesus came to the River Jordan, where John was preaching and baptizing people in the crowd. After John baptized Jesus and Jesus rose up out of the water, Mark states Jesus "saw the heavens torn apart and the Holy Spirit descending like a dove on him. And a voice came from heaven, 'You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased'" (Mark 1:10-11). Luke adds the chronological anchor that John the Baptist began preaching in the fifteenth year of Tiberius Caesar, approximately in 28 CE (Luke 3:1) and that Jesus was thirty years old when he was baptized (Luke 3:23).

After this baptism, according to Matthew, God brought Jesus into the desert where he fasted for forty days and nights. During this period, Satan appeared before Jesus and tried three times to tempt Jesus into demonstrating his supernatural powers as a proof of his divine status; Jesus refused each temptation with a scriptural quote from the Book of Deuteronomy.

"Oh yeah? Well change this!"
Jesus with the money-changers in the temple. That funny hat on his head is the way Medieval artists drew a halo.

Jesus then began to preach. The Gospel of John describes three different passover feasts that Jesus attended, thus implying that his ministry lasted three years.

The larger part of this was directed towards his closest followers, the Apostles. At the highest point of his ministry, Jesus attracted disciples and audiences numbering in the thousands, in particular in the area of Galilee. Many of Jesus' most well-known teachings were given in the Sermon on the Mount, such as the Beatitudes and the Lord's Prayer. Jesus often used parables in his rhetorical technique rather than clear, unambiguous speech (which would have been much more helpful to mankind), such as the Parable of the Good Samaritan and the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats; these teachings encouraged unconditional self-sacrificing love for God and for all people (someone should tell the fundamentalists about that bit), and in fact eternal punishment for non-belief in Jesus. During these sermons, he also discussed service and humility, forgiveness of sins, how faith should be applied, the Golden Rule, and the necessity of following the spirit of the law as well as its wording.

Jesus also often conversed with social outcasts, such as the publican (Roman tax collectors who were unpopular for their practice of extorting money), and prostitutes.

During the trial of Jesus by the Sanhedrin, a court-like body made up of Pharisees and Sadducees, highly orthodox and conservative members of the Jewish community, the high priests and elders asked Jesus, "Are you the Son of God?," and when he replied, "You say that I am," they condemned Jesus for blasphemy (Luke 22:70–71).

Did Jesus have a sex life?

The traditional Christian view is that Jesus was celibate.

Recent discoveries, specifically the apocryphal Gospels of Mary, Judas, Thomas and Philip suggest to some that Jesus was romantically involved with Mary Magdalene. It would have been unusual for a Jew of his age to be unmarried in the first century; putting aside the absence of any description of this aspect of Jesus' life in the canonical books, as well as the traditional Christian theological perspective that he was celibate, the view that a human man residing in first century Judea was married is not so implausible.

Some speculate that Jesus was gay, given his comments about his relationship to his "most beloved disciple," traditionally associated with the young John, and his speech about two men in bed and two women grinding together (Luke 17:34-35), while others dismiss these claims as misinterpretations of the texts and of the epoch's customs. Hey, sometimes "preferring the company of men" is just that.

Since the Gospels actually say nothing about Jesus being married or single, no one can authoritatively assert anything about Jesus' marital status. Valid arguments exist to both support and counter the idea that Jesus would have been married. If there were women disciples, they would likely have been attracted to Jesus as the leader of a religious movement and a prophet of God. (Who wouldn't be?) Certainly unless Jesus was in some way abnormal, women followers would have been willing to marry him and follow him on his wanderings, as Mary Magdalene supposedly did. Of course, he was 30 (give or take) at the time of his ministry, an age far past the age of a first marriage for a man. Also, in first century Israel, celibacy was disfavored and, in fact, Hebrew traditionalists assert that a man must "be fruitful and multiply" in order to fulfill God's will. Yet there were several groups, most specifically the Gnostics and Essenes, who, in pursuit of greater spirituality, eschewed physical contact (including marriage and sexual contact).

Jesus' not-so-good deeds

Christ asserts his dominance with a T-pose.

“”But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them — bring them here and kill them in front of me.

—Jesus (Luke 19:27)

While Jesus preached some revolutionary ideas about being a decent person, he also said and did a few questionable things:

• One day, cranky and hungry, Jesus destroyed a fig tree simply because it did not bear fruit for him (out of season no less). While he later clarified that he destroyed the healthy fig tree in an attempt to display the power of faith (Matthew 21:21), one might ask why he didn't use his powers in a more productive manner.
• Jesus appears to demand total devotion from his followers, to the point that they need to turn their backs on every other aspect of their lives. In Luke 14:26 he tells potential followers that "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters — yes, even their own life — such a person cannot be my disciple." He even went so far in Matthew 8:21-22 and Luke 9:59-60 as to insist a man follow him immediately rather than bury his dead father first (which would seem to contradict the Commandment to respect one's parents).
• In Luke 9:61-62, Jesus tells a man who wishes to follow him that "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God," and thus appears to put religious devotion before human community.
• In Matthew 15:1-6, Jesus replied to the Pharisees calling him out for breaking with tradition by accusing them of disobeying the mandate that "Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death." Jesus thus appears, on the surface, to put following divine law before valuing human life.
• In Matthew 15:13, Jesus, quite opposite to today's increasingly popular tree plantation attitude, said the trees which were not planted by God (the trees which did not grow naturally, but rather by people) will be uprooted.
• In Matthew 10:34-35, Jesus — contrary to his rather universal look as a complete pacifist — said he did not come to bring peace but a sword and said he would put one family member against another family member.
• In Matthew 18:15-17, he says if someone sins, point out their sin. And if they won't listen, go and harass them with one or two others. And if they still won't listen, get the whole church on their case. And if they still won't listen, then shun them. No way this could be subject to abuse.
• In Mark 11:24, Jesus tells his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." This passage can be read as a justification for a particularly greed-centered approach to faith.
• In Matthew 15:22-26, Jesus compares a Canaanite woman, who begs him to heal her sick daughter, to a dog, because she is not an Israelite. (He did eventually heal the girl, but only after her mother offered a witty comeback.)
• In Mark 5:1-20 Matthew 8:28-34 Luke 8:26-39 Jesus causes a swine herd (herd of pigs) numbering about two thousand to drown and die in the lake.

Here is Michael Paulkovich's criticism of Jesus as a moral teacher:

“”Jesus was no perfect man, no meek or wise messiah: in fact his philosophies were and are largely immoral, often violent, as well as shallow and irrational. There have been many proposed sons of god, and this Jesus person is no more valid or profound than his priestly precursors. In fact, his contemporary Apollonius was unquestionably the superior logician and philosopher. …Christianity has caused more terror and torture and murder than any similar phenomenon.

…On the other hand, some of these could very well not have been intended to be taken literally, or at least not as harsh as they sound at face value; as demonstrated by the previously-mentioned parables, Jesus didn't always make his points very directly.

Reasons to like him

Jesus beats the shit out of some bankers.

“”Jesus was way cool Everybody liked Jesus Everybody wanted to hang out with him Anything he wanted to do, he did He turned water into wine And if he wanted to He could have turned wheat into marijuana Or sugar into cocaine Or vitamin pills into amphetamines

—Jesus Was Way Cool by King Missile

Jesus did a lot of good stuff — according to the Gospels, anyway — which would irritate some members of the Religious Right in America, if practiced today.

For example:

• He provided universal healthcare (though sometimes grudgingly, see above), and did not charge for services.
• He told people not to pursue vast riches (Luke 12:15), because it would make them unhappy, and that the "love of money is the root of all sorts of evil." (Contrast with Name it and claim it.)
• He did not praise the rich, and said that they should give their money to the poor (Matthew 19:21).
• He told people to forgive rather than punish, because they themselves were guilty of many things: another of his teachings that the Religious Right is not down with.^{[citation needed]}
• He told us that "peacemakers", not hawks or warmongers, were blessed (Matthew 5:9). He made up for it later, though, by saying that he came not to bring peace but a sword, but many disagree, as he also could mean that peace will not exist, but he has a sword to fight the evil. It really can't be stressed enough that metaphors in the Bible seem to be an obsession — hmm, just like fiction. (Matthew 10:34).
• In Luke 14:13, he told people to bring the poor and maimed around to have dinner together.
• He did not believe in strict enforcement of the Sabbath, if it was bad for people (Mark 2:27).
• He denounced big public displays of religion, which would presumably include televangelism today (ooh, don't tell some of the fundies that — oh no) (Matthew 6:5).
• He turned water into wine (John 2:7-9). We can all get behind that — except, of course, for those silly Prohibitionist types.

Reasons to dislike him

“”I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

—Jesus, speaking like a true cult leader (John 14:6)

• He offered no practical political alternative to an embattled and occupied people in the Middle East. Granted, the option people eventually went with did not turn out much better.
• He clearly likely believed his death would mean the end of the world before the last witness present had died — we're still waiting (and so is the wandering Jew).
• He got very angry at those who didn't believe his claims, which is a common sign of crankery.
• He never condemned many things that we consider abhorrent today, such as rape, pedophilia, chattel slavery, or genocide. Maybe it just never crossed his mind.
• He used exorcism as an excuse to kill pigs (see: Mark 5:1-20, Matthew 8:28-34, Luke 8:26-39)

Jesus' death and resurrection

See the main article on this topic: Resurrection of Jesus

A central tenet of the mainstream Christian faith is that Jesus Christ died and rose again, as we all shall. Unfortunately, there's scant evidence for this.

Jesus' body

See the main article on this topic: Relic

Various parts of Jesus's body and objects he touched are venerated by different Christians as relics. Because his body supposedly returned to life and ascended to Heaven, the main outstanding part is said to be the Holy Foreskin. There are relics from his life such as his robe and the Holy Grail, and even less probably bits of his crib and the gifts of the Magi; relics from the Crucifixion, such as splinters of the cross, nails, the Holy Lance used to stab him, thorns from the crown of thorns, and the Veil of Veronica used to mop his brow; and relics from his entombment such as the Shroud of Turin (claimed to be his burial shroud) and Sudarium of Oviedo.

In medieval times, it was common to pay devotion to a mensura Christi or longitudino Christi, which was an object or length marked in a book that corresponded to a fraction of Jesus's height, commonly 1/15th but sometimes 1/12th or 1/20th of a full-length Jesus. It was commonly believed, based on various early Christian references, that Jesus was 4 ft 6 (137 cm) high, below average height even in his own time; some early traditions held that he was deformed or crippled; Celsus, a 2nd-century anti-Christian philosopher called him "ugly and small".

Alternate perceptions

Many non-canonical Gospels present Jesus from an alternative perspective, and the apostles as well. For example, in Matthew 10:34, Jesus claims to bring not peace, but "fire and a sword." The same line is duplicated in the non-canonical Gospel of Thomas, in which Jesus is presented as a wise teacher of neo-Platonist, Gnostic Judaism. It is hard to reconcile this line with the popular modern perception of Jesus, leading many to believe that the real person Jesus, and his real ministry, were likely much more complicated than modern Christianity maintains, and interpreted differently by different people.

Similarly, the acts that Jesus inspired in his followers differ according to different tales. Christianity emerged, as a result of Pauline leadership, as a steady-state religion that could weave subtly into the fabric of the Roman Empire. Other tales of Jesus and his followers, though, make him out to be much more of a revolutionary. For example, a tale exists called the Acts of Paul & Thecla, in which Paul treats a Roman woman as his equal and fellow in Christ, leading her to oppose the Roman way of life and seek spiritual peace in a much more Gnostic sense. In this tale, Paul also appears as much more of a social revolutionary than we have come to know him. Acts was a popular story in the early Roman world. However, it has largely vanished, as a result of its lack of incorporation into the canon.

It is possible that this revolutionary, original personality of the Jesus movement was deliberately abandoned by Paul in his attempt to popularize the religion. Also abandoned by Paul were the strong Jewish roots of Christianity. Plus he's likely responsible for Christianity's puritannical attitude toward sex, given his Roman roots.

Ideas about the nature of Jesus

The claim at the heart of the Christian faith is that Jesus of Nazareth was, and is, God. But this is not what the original disciples believed during Jesus's lifetime — and it is not what Jesus claimed about himself.

The nature of Jesus has caused much debate over the years. Various views include:

1. Jesus had only one, divine nature. (Monophysitism)
2. Jesus existed as two different persons, the mortal man and the divine Logos, which co-existed in one body. (Nestorianism)
3. Sort of a compromise between the previous two, decided at a conference called the Council of Nicaea (325 CE) and the later Council of Chalcedon (451 CE), resulting in the Chalcedonian or orthodox Christian view.
4. Jesus was a divine being, but separate from, created by, and subservient to God the Father. (Arianism, Mormonism, Jehovah's Witnesses)
5. Jesus was wholly God and his human form an illusion. (Docetism)
6. Jesus had two natures in one person, a human and a divine, but only one will. (Monothelitism)
7. Jesus was a prophet of God, but not divine in any way. (Ebionitism, Islam)
8. Jesus was a psychic man.
9. Jesus was a psychotic man.
10. Jesus was some kind of guru who'd been to India, Tibet, etc.
11. Jesus never existed — which suggests that Jesus was more of a concept than a person and that there were numerous people called Jesus in the first century CE (with the biblical Jesus possibly being some sort of conglomeration of the preachers who actually did exist.
12. Jesus was just this guy, you know. This version does get a nice consolation prize.

For most of the Middle Ages, option #3 gained popular favor, partly due to the slight risk of being executed if on the losing side of the argument.

Alien Jesus

For apocryphal scriptural support of this theory, see our article on the wonders of Barbelo.

There are people who appear to believe that Jesus was an alien or that aliens brought Jesus to Earth. Many websites are devoted to this idea, although they appear to have crossed over the Poe Line.

Raëlism claims that Jesus is an alien-human hybrid, and that the "virgin birth" actually refers to in vitro fertilization. They also claim that Jesus currently lives on another planet, that their leader Raël met him when he visited this planet, and that Raël and Jesus are half-brothers (their father Yahweh is the President of the aliens' government).

Jesus and incest

If it was God-the-Father, or even the Holy Spirit who impregnated Mary, mother of Jesus, and if all three, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are in fact the same being, it raises some troubling questions about exactly who did what to whom.

Human sacrifice

The most basic tenet of Christianity is that Jesus was essentially a human sacrifice, but also, depending on your conception of Jesus, a deicide. It is the foundation of the entire religion. Given the tenets of mainstream Christianity, its basic belief could be summed up as "God required a human sacrifice before he would allow himself to forgive us for something we didn't do."

Cannibalism

That Jesus is advocating either real or symbolic cannibalism when he says, "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. "Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. "For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed" is pretty hard to deny. Now sensible Christians interpret Communion to be a symbolic eating of Christ's flesh (which would make it merely ritual cannibalism), but the Catholic Church insists that parishoners are eating the physical body and drinking the physical blood of Christ, while simultaneously tooth-and-nail denying that this amounts to cannibalism. Truly, the Lord (and his followers) acts in mysterious ways.

Alternative lineage

The followers of Jesus, many years later, came up with a more complicated lineage of Jesus (the Nicene Creed), that either Jesus is his own father (if the three entities of the Holy Trinity are each other) or God the Father isn't exactly the father of Jesus (if the three entities of the Trinity are not each other). Hence, when Jesus said "Father", it can refer to any one of Joseph, Himself, God the Father, or the Holy Spirit. This does raise the important theological question whether, if Jesus had a son, he would be his own grandpa.

Jewish views of Jesus

See also: Judaism's view of the Messiah

See also: Jewish views on Jesus' alleged messianship

The Jewish People regard Jesus of Nazareth as a false Messiah, since he did not fulfill any of the messianic prophecies.

According to Judaism, the true Messiah must:

• Be an observant Jewish man descended from the house of King David
• Be an ordinary human being (as opposed to the biological Son of God)
• Bring peace to the world
• Gather all Jews back into Israel
• Rebuild the ancient Temple in Jerusalem
• Unite humanity in the worship of יהוה‎ (Ehyeh-Asher-Ehyeh) and Torah observance

Further Jews interpret the Old Testament as saying that יהוה‎ (HaMakom) gave a complete Tanakh and everlasting covenant while Christians claim that Jesus gave a new covenant. The two views are incompatible. Jews interpret the First Commandment that having Jesus as well as the father is idolatry. Jews interpret Numbers 23:19 as indicating that God is neither a man nor a mortal. Messianic Judaism has tried to reconcile this.^{[citation needed]}

Islamic views of Jesus

Muslims, who refer to Jesus as "Isa", believe they take the middle ground on Jesus. Muslims consider Jesus one of the most important prophets, the Messiah as predicted in the Torah, and a precursor to Muhammad. They believe he was born of a virgin and performed miracles throughout his ministry. They do not believe he is God incarnate, and they believe that he ascended into heaven without being crucified or resurrected – the crucifixion was only an illusion created by God. Some among Muslim theologians such as Abu Ja'far Muhammad ibn 'Ali ibn Babawayh al-Qummi (commonly referred to by Shi'as as al-Saduq) believed he died. Jesus also plays a prominent role in Islamic end times, returning to defeat evil once and for all. The Twelver Shi'a sect believes Jesus will return together with the Mahdi.

As such, the Islamic vision of Jesus is, ironically, closer to fulfill the messianic propheties than the Christian vision of Jesus.

Maimonides' view of Jesus

In Judaism, Jesus is generally not considered to be the Messiah. One understanding of the messiah is based on the writings of Maimonides (also known as Rambam thank you mam). His views on the messiah are discussed in his Mishneh Torah, his fourteen-volume compendium of Jewish law. According to Maimonides:

“”As for Jesus of Nazareth, who claimed to be the Anointed One and was condemned by the Sanhedrin. Daniel had already prophesied about him, thus: 'And the children of your people's rebels shall raise themselves to set up prophecy and will stumble.' (Ibid. 14) Can there be a bigger stumbling block than this? All the Prophets said that the Anointed One saves Israel and rescues them, gathers their strayed ones and strengthens their mitzvot whereas this one caused the loss of Israel by sword, and to scatter their remnant and humiliate them, and to change the Torah and to cause most of the world to erroneously worship a god besides the Lord. But the human mind has no power to reach the thoughts of the Creator, for his thoughts and ways are unlike ours. All these matters of Yeshu of Nazareth and of Muhammad who stood up after him are only intended to pave the way for the Anointed King, and to mend the entire world to worship God together, thus: 'For then I shall turn a clear tongue to the nations to call all in the Name of the Lord and to worship him with one shoulder.' How is this? The entire world had become filled with the issues of the Anointed One and of the Torah and the Laws, and these issues had spread out unto faraway islands and among many nations uncircumcised in the heart, and they discuss these issues and the Torah's laws. These say: These Laws were true but are already defunct in these days, and do not rule for the following generations; whereas the other ones say: There are secret layers in them and they are not to be treated literally, and the Messiah had come and revealed their secret meanings. But when the Anointed King will truly rise and succeed and will be raised and uplifted, they all immediately turn about and know that their fathers inherited falsehood, and their prophets and ancestors led them astray.

Precedents

Heracles was also the son of God and a mortal female but the Greeks simply acknowledged him as a demigod. Mind you, Heracles' father was Zeus, who was known for banging literally any woman he wanted to anyway he pleased, thus fathering a lot of children. For more references, consult almost every Greek myth. Indeed, the core concept of a demigod stretches all the way back to Gilgamesh, said to be two thirds-god, one third-mortal.

In some mythological traditions, Dionysus (a Phrygian god of drunkenness, wine, and ritual madness) whose cult was imported into the Roman Empire, is killed and then resurrected. This parallel was noted even in the ancient world, with YHVH being identified, via interpretatio romana, with Dionysus. Though the parallels end about there, as Dionysus was most likely a death-rebirth god so this featured prominently in his myths and actually has very little in common with YHVH aside from that. The Greeks and Romans had a tendency to invoke foreign gods as a way to make their spells more powerful. There are records that they would even invoke cultural heroes like Moses. This was a major source of conflict between Romans and Jews, followed by the Christians, as the Abrahamic religions are very clear that there is only one god. This was a big reason for the Jewish Revolts against the Roman Empire.

Many comparisons have been drawn between Jesus and the Egyptian gods Horus and Osiris, with Horus providing the Madonna-and-child symbolism and Osiris providing the death-and-rebirth narrative, common in multiple other religions. However, Osiris does not in fact come back to life, but becomes god of the land of the dead. Some people speculate that death is relatively common in some human cultures which explains why death would be said to affect some deities without their having to rely on external myths for inspiration for a dying deity who is able to come back to life.^{[citation needed]}

Was there a historical Jesus who was actually named Yesus?

See the main article on this topic: Evidence for the historical existence of Jesus Christ

Hello? Totally non-mythical man here... Can you see me?... Hello?

“”Modern Christianity must always reckon with the possibility of having to abandon the historical figure of Jesus … he should never be considered its foundation.

—Albert Schweitzer

The historical Jesus would in actual fact have been named Yeshu or Yeshua, as Jesus was the Latinised version of the name, which a historical Jesus wouldn’t have used. Referring to the historical personage Jesus bar Joseph/Pantera by the moniker Yesus is verily apropos, Amen.

Jesus during his obscure "Chinesus" phase.

Bart Ehrman holds the viewpoint that Yesus was a Jewish preacher—and teacher—crucified during the reign of Pontius Pilate. Who was born into poverty and was either a carpenter or a carpenter’s son. He began his public ministry while trapped in a poverty-stricken lower-class life. Early in his ministry he was baptized by John the Baptist. He earned the enmity of the Pharisees by causing a disturbance in the Temple, but not at the scale depicted by the Gospels. After a brief trial, Pilate personally ordered his crucifixion at the beginning of Pesach, the holiest of Jewish holidays. Roman soldiers flogged Yesus on his way to the Cross, and he was dead within six hours, "The End" (or is it?).

One question is, if there was a real man who inspired the biblical Jesus but whose real life and character are very far from the popular myth, do we say Yesus was Jesus? If his name was Matthew and he was a drunken brawler and frequent patron of brothels, is he close enough to count? Or what if he was an itinerant preacher but didn't do or say hardly any of the things attributed to him in the gospels? Depending on where you land on this question, noting that myths tend to be inspired by a real story doesn't mean that Jesus or Yesus existed.

The New Testament is factually incorrect on many historical events, such as the reign of Herod and the Roman census. Therefore, it is not clear whether Yesus was in fact a historical person. Per the gospels, Historicists assert that these literary narratives featuring god-Jesus contain biographical data for Yesus that can be extracted. Whereas Biblicists maintain that the gospels are fictional narrative literature and do not support a historical Yesus, but they do assert some sort of historical Yesus probably existed.

There are few extra-biblical ancient sources on Yesus' life. All surviving mentions of Yesus in ancient times are in texts written decades or more after his supposed death. While later Roman and Jewish sources do mention him, the gospels contradict themselves and each other on the key events.

An important tactic of conservative Christians in their attempts to dominate the world is to try to use science to prove that Yesus really did exist. Ironically, their attempts to do this are not blocked or dismissed by scholars, because many, if not most, scholars already accept the idea that Yesus was a real man who, in or around 30 CE, was acting as teacher, mystic, spiritualist, healer, political activist, or religious revolutionary. The scholarly claims are primarily made and backed up not by historical records, of which there are a precious few, but through accepted claims on the nature of mythology and new religions.

1. It is traditionally accepted that myths generally do not derive from thin air, and that the characters and stories in these myths are exaggerations, deifications, or simple mischaracterizations of events and persons that really existed and did something of some kind of note.
2. Within 10 years of each other, 10-20 churches "pop up" throughout Jerusalem and the Aramaic world which all name the Christ character "Jesus."

But fear not, good atheists, agnostics, and all those who routinely battle fundamentalist Christians or other pushy types. Just because a dude "likely existed" and if so, was seemingly observed roaming the countryside, preaching the splendor of faith in the great architect of the cosmos using vegetables as visual aids, this in no way validates anything that is in the Biblical accounts of the mythic Christ character that resulted from Christian myth being applied like varnish on top of the life of Yesus. That is to say, even if we could prove the existence of Yesus of Nazareth beyond the shadow of a doubt, that would hardly prove that he died. Well, he died. But it hardly proves his daddy brought him back to life, holes in his hands and all.

In fact, some brave atheists contend that Christian mythology, like most mythology, is false or just plain silly if taken as fact about the natural universe (a claim that for centuries would have caused the Christians to burn the Heretics at the stake). Historian Dr. Richard Carrier is one such atheist who makes this claim in his academically published, double-blind, peer-reviewed publication on the subject of the magic man held so dear to so many Christian (and Muslim) hearts. In On the Historicity of Yesus: Why we Might Have Reason for Doubt, Carrier estimates, at best, the odds that Yesus existed are 1 in 3 (p. 599) but when the other factors are added in it drops to 1 in 12,000 (p. 600). He does this by ascribing subjective numerical probabilities to the extraordinary claims that are so central to the beliefs of Christians. While this argument is dangerously similar to creationists' fallacious use of big numbers, it does have the delicious irony of using their own line of reasoning against them. In their “walk with Christ”, Christians could be said, by Carrier's estimation, to be “walking with an imaginary friend”, one with as much relevance to actual historical reality as Harry Potter. Onward, Hufflepuff soldiers! But please, keep your Hogwarts out of our schools and secular constitutional democracies, thanks!

Racism

Yesus was a Jew and likely dark-skinned, spoke Aramaic rather than some European language that would not exist for at least a thousand years, contrary to many popular depictions of Yesus as a Krazy Kracker with NordiK features. Assuming the historicity of Yesus, the fact that the historic Yesus of Nazareth was a Jew of Middle Eastern descent directly challenges many of the anti-Semitic attitudes that have characterized elements of Christianity since early times.

See also

For those of you in the mood, RationalWiki has a fun article about Jesus Christ.

• Christology
• The Passion of the Christ
• Jesus with erection
• Lying for Jesus
• Surviving crucifixion
• Jerusalem syndrome
• Genealogy of Jesus
• Priory of Sion — the supposed story of Jesus' family.
• Red-Letter Christians — Christians who care more for the words of Christ than being judgmental.
• The True Cross — the supposed cross Jesus was crucified on, pieces of which were sold to the gullible by con men over the centuries. If all the pieces of the "True Cross" were collected and assembled in their original configuration, it would form an ark.

External links

• What Did Jesus Do? Reading and Unreading the Gospels by Adam Gopnik, The New Yorker
• The Jesus Puzzle, Earl Doherty

Bibliography

• Schweitzer, Albert (1913) [1906, 1st ed.] (in de). Geschichte der Leben-Jesu-Forschung (2nd revised and expanded ed.). Tübingen: Mohr. 
• Schweitzer, Albert (2001) [1913 in German]. The Quest of the Historical Jesus [Geschichte der Leben-Jesu-Forschung]. Fortress Press. ISBN 978-1-4514-0354-1.