Conservapedia:Liberal Bible Verses

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The goal of the Conservapedia Bible Bastardization Retranslation Project is to remove the liberal bias that has allegedly crept into the Bible since it was originally written by the Lord Jesus Christ in 1611. The following is a list of verses most likely to be modified or removed from the final version, expected shortly after the next millennium.

Liberal Bible verses[edit]

The following is derived from verses in the King James Version of the Bible, since fundamentalists have a strange draw to that particular version. The list is largely derived from the Skeptics Annotated Bible page "Good Stuff in the Bible."[1]

Exodus[edit]

  • Exodus 20:17: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."
Desiring goods is the very basis of free market capitalism, without which we are nothing. This Commandment has to go.
  • Exodus 22:21-22: "Thou shalt neither vex a stranger, nor oppress him: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt. Ye shall not afflict any widow, or fatherless child."
This is a blatant example of socialism that was probably put into the Bible by either Bill Clinton or Jimmy Carter.
  • Exodus 23:4-5: "If thou meet thine enemy's ox or his ass going astray, thou shalt surely bring it back to him again. If thou see the ass of him that hateth thee lying under his burden, and wouldest forbear to help him, thou shalt surely help with him"
Of course liberals would want to help people in need, but isn't that just another handout to someone who isn't willing to work hard enough to succeed?
  • Exodus 23:11 "But the seventh year thou shalt let it rest and lie still; that the poor of thy people may eat: and what they leave the beasts of the field shall eat. In like manner thou shalt deal with thy vineyard, and with thy oliveyard."
In fact, why don't we just excise the rest of this section and get on with the Israelites peacing out of Egypt?

Leviticus[edit]

  • Leviticus 19:10: "And thou shalt not glean thy vineyard, neither shalt thou gather every grape of thy vineyard; thou shalt leave them for the poor and stranger: I am the LORD your God."
This two-fer is both anti-capitalism (i.e. not maximizing profits) and anti-conservativism (giving handouts to those not working hard enough to own their own vineyards).
  • Leviticus 19:14 "Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind"
This sounds suspiciously like the Americans With Disabilities Act, which simply rewards people who haven't been deemed worthy to be blessed by God.

Deuteronomy[edit]

  • Deuteronomy 10:19: "Love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt."
Given the current situation with the southern border of the United States, this verse will undoubtedly be removed.
  • Deuteronomy 15:11: "For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land."
Another pro-welfare, anti-Conservative verse that seemingly encourages the general populace to help those in need. In fact, this verse might even be used to support Universal Health Care. Look for this to be removed post haste.

Psalms[edit]

  • Psalms 41:1: "Blessed is he that considereth the poor: the LORD will deliver him in time of trouble."
Once again with the pro-welfare gig! When will these 21st century liberals stop defiling the Bible?

Proverbs[edit]

  • Proverbs 8:11: "For wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it."
Anti-capitalist. Glenn Beck has no qualms about trading wisdom for some cold, hard cash.
  • Proverbs 12:15: "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise."
This will need some touch-up, because it is vague. If a True Christian™ is told by a friend that "Sarah, you're being stubborn. There is a scientific consensus that the Earth revolves around the Sun", she is not being a fool, she is being open-minded.
  • Proverbs 13:1: "A wise son heareth his father's instruction: but a scorner heareth not rebuke."
This verse could be cited in the case where a liberal is wondering why George W. Bush didn't heed the world's his father's advice not to go into Iraq when there was clearly no good exit strategy. Better remove it to be safe.
  • Proverbs 14:15: "The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going."
This has to go: only a wise man believes every word... of the Conservative Bible!
  • Proverbs 15:1: "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."
Anti-United States. A soft answer may turn away wrath, but nukes clear the problem up in mere seconds.
  • Proverbs 22:9: "He that hath a bountiful eye shall be blessed; for he giveth of his bread to the poor."
Again with the welfare mentality! These liberals must have slipped these verses in by the bucketload. Anti-capitalist, anti-freedom.
  • Proverbs 23:12: "Apply thine heart unto instruction, and thine ears to the words of knowledge."
This verse will need some clarification. Liberal University knowledge: bad, homeschool knowledge by automotive-school dropout dad: good.
  • Proverbs 24:17: "Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth:"
Anti-free market, anti-capitalist. A good capitalist loves to see his competition fails, it means more cash in the vault! Look for revision to this.
  • Proverbs 25:21: "If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink"
Another anti-conservative thought. If your enemy is hungry, you must be winning. Fight the good fight.
  • Proverbs 27:2: "Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips."
If a conservative can't preach the good values of conservativism to the whole world while using himself as an example, what fun is it being a Conservative?!
  • Proverbs 29:7: "The righteous considereth the cause of the poor: but the wicked regardeth not to know it."
This might just need a small revision, swapping the places "righteous" and "wicked".
  • Proverbs 31:9: "Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy."
Welfare. Redact.

Ecclesiastes[edit]

  • Ecclesiastes 5:10: "He that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor he that loveth abundance with increase: this is also vanity."
Anti-capitalist. It's not vanity to want to do well, it's just good business sense.
  • Ecclesiastes 7:10: "Say not thou, What is the cause that the former days were better than these? for thou dost not enquire wisely concerning this"
Anti-conservative (a.k.a. liberal). If conservatives look to the good ol' days of slavery and Leave It To Beaver, then they have nothing to point to.

Isaiah[edit]

  • Isaiah 1:17: "Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow."
Again with the welfare mentality. Tell her to get off her lazy behind and get a $150,000/yr job like the rest of us.
  • Isaiah 1:18: "Come now, and let us reason together"
Best not to confuse the True Christians. Reasoning involves critical thinking, and that might undermine the whole thing.
  • Isaiah 58:7: "Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house? when thou seest the naked, that thou cover him; and that thou hide not thyself from thine own flesh?"
Welfare.
  • Isaiah 66:3: "He that killeth an ox is as if he slew a man; he that sacrificeth a lamb, as if he cut off a dog's neck; he that offereth an oblation, as if he offered swine's blood; he that burneth incense, as if he blessed an idol. Yea, they have chosen their own ways, and their soul delighteth in their abominations."
Some vegan slipped a verse into the Bible. Easy cut.

Jeremiah[edit]

  • Jeremiah 22:3: "Thus saith the LORD; Execute ye judgment and righteousness, and deliver the spoiled out of the hand of the oppressor: and do no wrong, do no violence to the stranger, the fatherless, nor the widow, neither shed innocent blood in this place."
Welfare, anti-conservative.
  • Jeremiah 22:13: "Woe unto him that buildeth his house by unrighteousness, and his chambers by wrong; that useth his neighbour's service without wages, and giveth him not for his work"
Anti-conservative, anti-Free Market. Let the Free Market decide what is a fair wage, if any at all.

Zechariah[edit]

  • Zechariah 7:10: "And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart"
Welfare state, anti-Conservative.

Matthew[edit]

  • Matthew 5:7-9: "Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God"
Anti-American, anti-conservative.
  • Matthew 6:5-6: "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly."
This has got to go. As one of Andy's pet-peeves, school prayer should be mandatory, which certainly doesn't mean it should be private. Look for this to be gone instantly.
  • Matthew 7:1: "Judge not, that ye be not judged."
Snip. Inconvenient.
  • Matthew 18:21-22: "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."
Should change to "forgive once. Max." This verse makes it tough to execute first-offense criminals, so it must be anti-Conservative.
  • Matthew 22:39: "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."
Jesus quoting a liberal verse that we already removed. This should go for consistency.
  • Matthew 26:52: "Then said Jesus unto him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword."
Uncomfortable. Must be anti-conservative. Might mean we shouldn't use our nukes. Anti-American.

Mark[edit]

  • Mark 12:31: "And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these."
It's the second greatest commandment for a reason!

Luke[edit]

  • Luke 3:14: "And the soldiers likewise demanded of him, saying, And what shall we do? And he said unto them, Do violence to no man, neither accuse any falsely; and be content with your wages."
Jesus, what is wrong with you? Stop it! Doesn't support the troops: anti-Conservative, anti-USA. Possible change: "Do violence to no white English-speaking upper-class man." Content with wages? I'll let the free market dictate the right wage, thank you very much.
  • Luke 6:27: "But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,"
Two things: anti-Conservative and 9/11 changed everything.
  • Luke 6:36: "Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful"
Soft on crime: anti-conservative.
  • Like 10:30-37: Good Samaritan Story (snipped for length)
Insert a couple of verses, speaking of sending the bill-for-services later on. Or remove, since it might support Universal Health Care.

John[edit]

  • John 8:7: "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."
I think this is gone anyways. As Andy states, we don't need to be perfect to judge. And judge we shall!
  • John 13:34: "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."
What, did John Lennon throw this in here? Cut.

Acts[edit]

  • Acts 20:35: "I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive."
Anti-capitalist, pro-welfare state.

Romans[edit]

  • Romans 12:10: "Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;"
Minor edit: Should be "be kind to your fellow white, English-speaking brother at the local country club"
  • Romans 12:16: "Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits."
This has got to go. Andy might feel threatened if he had to admit that maybe he's not a master of all things earthly. Like writing his own Bible, for instance.
  • Romans 12:17: "Recompense to no man evil for evil."
Minor editing needed. Might give the impression that its against military retaliation.
  • Romans 12:18: "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men."
Not necessary. Anti-capitalist, anti-American.
  • Romans 14:13: "Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way."
What fun is it being Christian if I can't judge others while ignoring my own massive shortcomings. Either this goes or I go.

I Corinthians[edit]

  • I Corinthians 14:20: "Brethren, be not children in understanding: howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men."
This should be removed because, let's be honest, Andy and his ilk can only hope to be children in understanding. Someday. Keep reaching for that star, buddy.

Galatians[edit]

  • Galatians 2:10: "Only they would that we should remember the poor; the same which I also was forward to do."
Welfare again. Bye bye.
  • Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."
Fruit of the spirit. These need revising for 21st century politics. These are all passive traits, so make more proactive.
  • Galatians 5:26: "Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another."
Anti-capitalist. Envy is the grease that drives the wheels of capitalism.
  • Galatians 6:2: "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."
Welfare state again.

Philippians[edit]

  • Philippians 2:3: "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves."
How are we supposed to win in Iraq if we don't do so through strife? Anti-American.

Colossians[edit]

  • Colossians 3:8: "But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth."
The Bible doesn't seem to understand that there's a place for anger, wrath and malice. Update this to reality, and remember to send God a note that He's on-notice for this oversight.

I Thessalonians[edit]

  • I Thessalonians 5:14: "Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men."
Remove this. Getting sick of having this turned around to describe True Christians.

I Timothy[edit]

  • I Timothy 1:4: "Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which minister questions, rather than godly edifying which is in faith: so do."
If we don't use the genealogies, how are we supposed to know that the earth is 6,000 years old?!

II Timothy[edit]

  • II Timothy 2:24: "And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient,"
Christians don't have time to be patient. God's Word must be spread as quickly as possible, so each second is precious.

Hebrews[edit]

  • Hebrews 13:2: "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares."
Anti-conservative, pro-immigration possibly. Perhaps modify for current-times: "Entertain your country club".

James[edit]

  • James 1:27: "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world."
Sounds like James might've been a confirmed bachelor.
  • James 2:2-4: "For if there come unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a poor man in vile raiment; And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool: Are ye not then partial in yourselves, and are become judges of evil thoughts?"
Is this implying that the rich are to be treated in the same way as the poor? Anti-capitalist, anti-American, anti-Free Market.
  • James 4:12: "There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?"
We're Conservative Americans, James. And keep this attitude up and you might not even be in the Conservative Bible, liberal.
  • James 5:4: "Behold, the hire of the labourers who have reaped down your fields, which is of you kept back by fraud, crieth: and the cries of them which have reaped are entered into the ears of the Lord of sabaoth."
Is this insinuating that the Chinese slave workers of Nike can be heard by God? Let's remove this just to be safe, because it sounds anti-capitalist and anti-free market.

I Peter[edit]

  • I Peter 4:15: "But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men's matters."
Remove the "busybody" part. Makes it hard to justify abortion clinic protests, gay-marriage protests and all-around meddling that defines True Christianity.

I John[edit]

  • I John 3:11: "For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another."
Too many love-verses and we might forget the condemnation verses. Godspeed.
  • I John 3:18: "My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth."
This verse makes it hard to say "I'm going to kick you out of the family for (offense), but rest assured that I love you".

Revelation[edit]

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See also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Skeptics Annotated Bible: http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/good/long.html