Conservapedia:Godspeed

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For those living in an alternate reality, Conservapedia has an "article" about Godspeed
Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God ... If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him Godspeed: For he that biddeth him Godspeed is partaker of his evil deeds.
—2 John 1:9-11, King James Version

Godspeed is a form of salutation, originating in the Middle English words for "May God prosper you" and nowadays meaning "Good Luck" or "Safe Journey." However, when a conservative says Godspeed to a liberal, it is generally believed to translate, roughly, as "Go Fuck Yourself." In some cases, the transmitted meaning seems to be more along the lines of "I acknowledge your existence, peon. Now go contribute more." There is a 98.7459964% chance that the above statements are true, 3.14% chance of falsehood and a 1.8859964% surplus that will be contributed to the national debt.

Examples[edit]

Andy Schlafly - Official Master of Godspeed

Example of the "good luck" meaning

Example of the "neutral" meaning

  • Aschlafly to Crocoite: "Crocoite, can you post this on the main page also? Thanks and Godspeed."[2]

Example of the "Go fuck yourself" meaning

  • Aschlafy to JohnSmith: "Thanks, but I'll be debating others here who don't embrace falsehoods. Godspeed in your efforts to find someone else to debate you."[3]
  • Aschlafly to RSchlafly (!!): "Would any mathematician embrace a flawed proof because it is better than other flawed attempts to prove the same theorem? I don't think so. Godspeed."[4]
  • TK to Baruch: "That won't be necessary. Godspeed, Baruch, Godspeed!" [5]
  • TK to ClementB: "As the owner of this site that is indeed his right, his prerogative, and we have indeed differed before, and will undoubtedly do so again. In the meantime, I wish you Godspeed." [6]

Origins[edit]

The term derives from an ancient Icelandic saga explaining the source of rain and rivers. It was originally titled "When the Gods Peed".

As an actual speed[edit]

Since the emergence of theory of relativity[7], the term may be referring to one of the ways[8] God used to dilate time. The purpose of this usage includes delaying the Second Coming, and fitting the age of the universe into a 6000 years timeframe.

Depending the assumptions used it gives 299792457.998875 m/s to 299792457.999987 m/s, compared to the speed of light at exactly 299792458 m/s.

Currently, only one thing is known to move at Godspeed, and that's bullshit.

Calculating Godspeed[edit]

Godspeed can be obtained using special relativity, using the following method[9].

God and the Earth are travelling at Godspeed relative to the rest of the universe[10], and therefore the differences in age between the actual age of the universe and God's ideas on the subject can be corrected by special relativity. The effect of gravitational time dilation (general relativity) is assumed to be negligible; See our article on white hole cosmology for an explanation of this phenomenon. To determine Godspeed we have several approaches:

  1. Fit the age of the universe (13.7 billion years, ± 0.12 billion years) to a framework starting 4004 BC (6020 years, give or take 100 years)
  2. Adjusted version of 1.: We have to assume that the last ~2000 years (Up until birth of Jesus Christ) are already in slowed down state in order for the scientists not to find too much discrepancies about it, so the framework to fit in is only 4004 years
  3. From passages of the bible, particularly the following phrase:
    2 Peter 3:8
    But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

Results[edit]

Godspeed as a correction factor is very close to the speed of light (299792458 m/s[14]), and the difference is 1 part in 1012(< 1.2 mm/s) to 1014 (< 13 μm/s) depending on the adjustment used.

Apparently Peter is only one order of magnitude off[15] (Astonishing when you don't even have telescopes, redshifts, etc.) when determining how long a day for God should be, in order to adjust for the young earth. (Expected response from Peter: Dang it, if only I have written "ten thousand years" instead of "a thousand years" I would have saved more people with the Bible code)

Technically speaking[edit]

To the atheist/agnostic, godspeed is the equivalent of making no change in velocity relative to the surroundings[16]. When arguing with a creationist (on Conservapedia or elsewhere), the discussion is likely to go absolutely nowhere as well.

Other uses[edit]

Andy enjoys a good Godspeed in any medium

The term Godspeed appears in the name of the band Godspeed You! Black Emperor. However, the band's name is from the Japanese documentary of the same name.

Godspeed is a graphic novelisation of the life of Kurt Cobain.

Said by Mission Control both times John Glenn lifted off into space.

Godspeed also refers to the rush one gets when, instead of simply snorting one's communion powder, one melts it and shoots... it... into... one's... Aaaaaaaaah... v e  i   n    s

"God's peed" is an unfalsifiable statement. Its truth depends on how similar to his image you believe man is.

The less said about God's Speedo™, the better, especially in regards to Exodus 33:23.

See also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?oldid=159641&diff=prev&title=Talk%3ADeceitimg
  2. http://www.conservapedia.com/Talk:Main_Page/archive10#Colleges_veer_left_for_.2707_speakersimg
  3. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?oldid=178681&diff=prev&title=Talk%3AMain_Pageimg
  4. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk%3ATheory_of_relativity&diff=257912&oldid=257804img
  5. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk:Liberal_Hate_Speech&oldid=380713img
  6. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=User_talk:ClementB&curid=85573&diff=658355&oldid=658283img
  7. This by no means imply that anyone on Conservapedia "believes" in relativity.
  8. The other way which involved relativity is white hole cosmology.
  9. Biblical version of this idea debunked by this blog
  10. How God manages to keep people alive on the Earth for the acceleration required to slow it down to present-day levels is usually explained this way.
  11. 11.0 11.1 11.2 This notation is using normalized units. See the Wikipedia article on Natural units.
  12. 12.0 12.1 12.2 This is included because primarily this notation yields more significant figures
  13. Julian year (365.25 days; used in astronomy) is used in this calculation; Using Gregorian calendar gives 365242.5 on average (97 extra days from leap years every 400 years) and 1-\frac{v}{c} \approx 3.748113 \times 10^{-12} (v in m/s is the same for the first 15 significant figures)
  14. This is exact due to it being the definition. See the Wikipedia article on Speed of light.
  15. For those who is interested in coming up with extra bible code, it's approximately e^\sqrt{5}
  16. Even at rest you are still at a velocity relative to the universe—the planet is spinning as well as moving around the sun, which is moving around the galaxy, which is moving away from other galaxies, after all.