Essay:HowTo:Be a Conservative

This essay is an unoriginal work by Gulik and anyone who feels like putting in their two cents.

1. Cut taxes. The Magical Budget Fairies will keep the goverment going.
2. Blame Obama for everything.
3. Start wars 'pre-emptively', with no planning what to do after you blow things up.
4. Kill as many criminals as possible. Even the ones who may, technically, not have committed any crimes.
5. Let poor people starve or die in the streets. At least they can die FREE, not live enslaved unter the soulless boot of Communism.
6. Be deathly afraid at ALL TIMES of the Terrorist Menace.
7. Be deathly afraid at ALL TIMES of the Communist Menace.
8. Be deathly afraid at ALL TIMES of the Gay Menace.
9. Be deathly afraid at ALL TIMES of Dennis the Menace. Kids these days....
10. Be deathly afraid at ALL TIMES of the Atheist Menace.
11. Be deathly afraid at ALL TIMES of the Darwinist Menace.
12. Be deathly afraid at ALL TIMES of your own sexual organs.
13. Underfund schools, then complain when they can't meet standards.
14. Cure all problems with privatization. Even the common cold.
15. Believe that Theocracy would be a really good idea, but only if YOUR specific brand of Christian was in charge.
16. Throw people in jail for taking unauthorized drugs.
17. Don't believe anything you hear on ANY media except televangelists, conservative talk radio, and Fox News. Everything else is hopelessly liberally biased.
18. Believe that the government is a hopelessly stupid and corrupt institution that can never do anything right.
19. Trust the government to wage war, execute criminals, and amass a nuclear arsenal that could sterilize the surface of the planet.
20. Cheerfully ignore the slight contradiction of the above two statements.
21. Believe that the greatest force damaging America's economy isn't short-sighted CEOs or outsourcing, it's Mexican laborers.
22. Support the Troops by putting a magnetic sticker on your car. This is vastly more important than making sure they have supplies, armor, working vehicles, a living wage, health benefits, or a plan besides "let's keep doing what we've been doing".
23. Think that AIDS is just God's way of killing people He hates. And anyone who has sex with them, or is born to them, or got blood donations from them...
24. Believe the Right to Life begins at conception, and ends when the umbilical cord is cut.
25. Think that Ignorance is Bliss, especially where it comes to teaching children about sex.
26. Believe that corporations whose sole purpose is to make the most money at the minimum expense will somehow create prosperity for everyone.
27. Think that the ideal modern social structure was displayed in 1950s documentaries, such as "Ozzie and Harriet".
28. Believe the NRA is Good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is Bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
29. Assume that everyone you hate and fear is in cahoots, even groups that would obviously despise each other.
30. Most importantly of all, you have to firmly believe politics doesn't exist outside the borders of the USA.
31. Insist that George W. Bush isn't REALLY a Conservative. (Bonus points if you spent most of the time between 9/11/2001 and 11/7/2006 screaming that anyone who didn't unquestioningly follow Bush's every whim was a filthy terrorist-loving traitor who should be shot, then arrested.)
32. Say that a Finn shooting some people is proof that atheism is evil because he was deranged and thought of himself as god-like. Then say that without evolution, Nazism wouldn't have been as popular, though the same is true for Christianity... But forget that.
33. Use funky terms like 'evilution', 'lieberal', 'demoncrat' and 'Godless Liberal (:O)'.

History

How does one become a conservative?

"By being aweshum" a quote from Ronald Reagan

How did conservatism come about? The conservative approach to United States politics first began to take shape around 1720 CE as prominent thinkers in the European colonies began to envision a nation for themselves - free from the tyranny of the English royalty, subject only to the tyranny of a then-nascent American oligarchy. Being men of action (presumably with wives of action), they set about defeating the authoritarian government of the time, and setting up an authoritarian government of their own. Recognizing the advantages conferred upon the English government by its close association with the Church of England, conservatives in the newly-formed United States quickly allied themselves with the leading practitioners of the Christian faith in their own homeland.

They quickly found that people could be incited to hold protests where they simply chant the same slogan over and over again until they get their way, which proved a valuable tactic, especially when coupled with playing the blame game -- that they could blame others for their failures and get themselves elected to government. The motto is Blame somebody else, which always works for conservatives.

The origins of the term "conservative" remain mysterious to this day. As evidenced by the conservative party's unwavering opposition to the laws that might protect the environment or reduce oil consumption, it clearly has nothing to do with conservation of natural resources, and their love of Deficit spending indicates it's not about conserving money, either. The most likely explanation is that "conservative" refers to conserving traditional values.

What to do

Accuse your opponents of running the show

Before and during WWII the master propagandist Joseph Goebbels told the German people that Jews control everything from the media to the velocity of wind traveling through bus stops and hence must be exterminated. The German media was so anti-Semitic that it would warm Eric Cartman’s heart, but the thick Krauts never seemed to notice ("Kraut" is an abusive epithet for a naughty German, derived from their indecent consumption of the impotence drug, sauerkraut). Drawing upon this the media in America, which is about as conservative as a can be envisaged, accused the liberals of controlling it, and hey presto, the American people believe that too!

Take Republican spin nurse Ann "Trannie with an adam's apple as big as her balls" Coulter for example. As the graph shows the national debt went from a 47-year low (in 1980 when Democratic terrible president Jim Carter left office) to a 47-year high (in 1992 when Bush the Elder left office). Was it Reagans glorious massive tax cuts combined with record peace time spending? No! It was the tax and spend Democratic congress of course! In reality, were it not for the Democratic congress's intervention (i.e. if Reagans actual budget had come to pass, as it no doubt would have under a Republican congress), the rise would have been 85%.

When bong hit, shirt chasing, terrorist loving Democratic president Bill Clinton came into office the graph does an downward u-turn. Clearly the evil "liberal" media would give Clinton a great deal of praise for this right? Wrong! Bill was painted as being Satan's incarnate since the very day he came into office. The liberal media saved all their praise until the graph did a upward u-turn when Republic president Bush the Younger came to office.

Change Your Views to Reflect Conservative views on…

Governance

Advocate smaller government, but firmly support laws regulating what consenting adults do in their bedrooms, such as the anti-sodomy laws of Texas and other southern states. Conservatives strongly believe that that government can only make a mess of anything that it gets involved in, and that market forces will lead to the most agreeable outcome for everyone. This, combined with a deep-seated fear of sexuality , explains why conservatives strongly support the strict prohibition of prostitution in America.

Sex

Sex is believed to have been invented 6,000 years ago (when the world was created, that is) by Satan. Sex is never, ever, ever right, especially if you are a liberal politician, a black person (wouldn't want them darkies breedin, now would we?), gay, or unmarried. This is closely tied in to the abortion argument. You see, to stop abortion, one must stop teen pregnancy, which is best done by making access to birth control utterly impossible. Instead, one must teach an abstinence-only sex-ed program, which teens are CERTAIN to follow, and make sure that knowlege about contraceptives is jack shit.

Fiscal Responsibility

Conservatives advocate a balanced budget, on the basis that it is unfair to our children to borrow money to support the United States today when they can be saddled with the resulting debt when they grow up instead. This is why conservatives are staunchly opposed to any form of birth control. Given the amount the national debt increased during the Reagan and Bush presidencies, the only hope for America's is that there'll be enough children born to cover the debts when they grow up.

The Right To Bear Arms

American Conservatives realised in the early 1776s that the example of the newly founded United Kingdom was certainly worth following. Their sensible gun laws meant that any one from the age of conception could carry concealed weapons of any caliber. Not only did this mean that the British and Americans felt safer behind their guns. It also challenged the highly competitive gentry class of citizens "criminals" to give the public their services without the need of weaponry. To this day in Britain and America no cases of a criminal attempting to obtain an unfair advantage of using a pistol have ever occured. Their supporters' predeliction to wear wifebeaters also highlights their commitment to maintain the right to bare arms. Liberals want to take your guns away so the terrorists can kill easier.

The Right To Arm Bears

During the Reagan administration, it was brought to the attention of conservatives that vast deforestation could only be slowed, if not halted, by training grizzly bears to operate a 30-06 rifle equipped with a Simmons scope. The bears had to apply for a license which only 500 were issued, due to anti-gun lobbying. The license was easily attained however; The bear has to show up at any local post office or library branch with 5 forms of ID, a birth certificate, urine, blood, saliva, and semen samples. The ear was then tagged, and weapon issued. Bears who insisted on calling the rifles "thundersticks" were put in charge of teaching gun safety.

Legislation

Conservatives proudly support the constitution and all that it stands for. Except the parts of about freedom of speech and establishment of state religion. Thus "activist" judges who strike down laws against pornography or prayer in public schools are typically vilified by conservatives who have (to date) been unable to pass the necessary constitutional revisions to enable federal restraint of expression, or unification of the church and state, thus making a sturch or chate.

Conservatives believe that govenment works best when legislative decisions are made at the local level, so that the policy makers can cater to the unique preferences of their constituents. Many conservatives are quick to point out that the decentralized nature of United States government is one of its greatest strengths, and that the increasing power of the Federal government is troubling. That is, unless a state enacts legislation that legalizes the medical use of marijuana , assisted suicide for the terminally ill or the legalization of gay marriage. The preferred policy is to send these people who wish to die to Iraq, so they can fight for Halliburton’s oil and get killed at the same time. This kills two birds (and one human) at the same time. Of course local decision-making is only acceptable when the decisions are made in accordance with conservative principles.

Welfare

Conservatives stand firm in their opposition of handouts for those who are unable to find jobs. Most conservatives employ several illegal Mexican immigrants as manservants and concubines, and are always ready to hire more, so clearly there is no need for additional aid to the unemployed. However, it is critical that all of America's taxpayers share the burden of the subsidies paid every year to farmers who would otherwise lose their jobs. But, of course without farmers, you wouldn't eat. So that last bit I added about farmers is a horrible personal attack fallacy in my argument demeaning conservatives. I'm stupid! The whole reason why food is so affordable in the first place is because of the government subsidies and the use of illegal immigrants to keep costs down. But Liberals want freedom for all and the law followed to the letter, and if that means we have to pay $100USD for an ear of corn so be it. So conservatives support illegal immigration labor and farm subsidies so that even those who earn a minimum wage can afford to eat a decent meal of food and then conservatives can look the other way of the law for the good of the economy.

Crime And Punishment

Conservatives strongly support tougher laws against criminal behavior (especially victimless crimes), and longer mandatory minimum sentences for drug abusers and other felons, (with the exception of those who host popular conservative talk-radio shows , those who run Evangelic mega-churchs and speak to Bush on a weekly basis and those that deal drugs in order to sponsor murderous South American terrorist organizations that killed 60,000 innocent people and destroyed power plants, hospitals, schools, bridges and burned fields of crops in an attempt to starve the population and destory farmers just to name a few of their mindless atrocities.) It is reasonable to say that the conservative approach is to disregard the rehabilitation aspect that must be an important part of any judicial system, preferring to rely on approaches that at best protect the general population by removing criminals from circulation, and at worst, focussing more on retribution than actually tackling the problem of crime and recidivism.