Essay talk:Story Rough Draft
@CorruptUser This has all the parts together. --Trans Fem Agenda 00:56, 10 February 2024 (UTC)
Suggested changes, feel free to disregard, add, whatever, along with a couple notes; -- Sasha Marzano sat at his school desk. His attention to the history teacher, Craig Moss, was best described as a theoretical concept. Moss was a short, old, fat man with high blood pressure that caused his veins to bulge whenever he decided to turn the history lecture into a sermon, which was every lecture. That alone was enough to annoy Sasha; what made the situation worse was the fact that, being in a Christian school, Mr Mosses spread like weeds into every classroom. Every class had something about Christianity shoehorned into each subject. History class was weirdly more preachy than actual church. Go figure.
“The Kingdom of Israel was blessed by God! The Jews are the chosen people who laid the foundations of Christianity and western civilization! Now class, what does this foundation have to do with the American War of Independence” shouted Craig Moss. Craig’s voice was like a serpent, and his words were venom. Anybody with a brain would know that the foundation of the modern world was a result of interconnected events. It had nothing to do with a Godly being, certainly not one who deigned to bless a single ethnic group. Sasha just wanted to shout that, but lacked the nerve. He always lacked the nerve for anything.
Paying attention in class always cost too much. When everything in school could be replaced with a church sermon, Sasha was always bored. Th only real break from preaching was Physical Education. At least sports was something to look forward to. Well, some of it was fun. The locker room? Not so much. If there was "fun" to be had there, it was Sasha's classmates making fun of his body. (NOTE: Good place to describe Sasha's physique -CU) All in all, school was straight up miserable.
Mr. Moss continued his rambling on how the Bible being the foundation of the American War of independence, in spite of his lessons having nothing to do with American history. Thankfully the public library was still running strong. At least he got an actual education there. Sasha’s thoughts were interrupted with Mr. Moss shouting “Sasha! What Bible passage inspired George Washington to rebel against the British”?!
Sasha froze for a long second, unsure of what to say. The teacher shouted much louder, “Sasha! What is the answer”! On the fly Sasha remembered something from an old sermon, Exodus 15:3, “The LORD is a man of war; the LORD is his name.”. That appeared to satisfy the preachy teacher. Mr. Moss talked about how George Washington led the Siege of Boston and how it related to Bible prophecy. Sasha’s mind was free to wander somewhere else, or perhaps someone; namely the boys he liked.
The bell rang, history class was finally history. Next was gym class. But before that, Sasha needed to go to the principal's office for his daily dose of medication. He took it daily, but was never told what it was for though. All he knew was that after he took it, he felt even more depressed. He was always depressed, but the medicine made it a whole lot worse. What on Earth was that medication? Today Sasha would find out.
In the principal’s office, Sasha was given his medication. He begrudgingly swallowed the mystery pill with a cup of water. Sasha asked the principal, “Mr. Kingston, what is this medication I am taking? My parents never told me”. Principal Kingston dismissively responded, “I am not supposed to tell you. Your parents said that this medication is important to your health”. Sasha retorted, “You have the pill bottle. Mr. Kingston, you would have to have read the label”.
Principal Kingston’s face turned red from anger. He did not like it when people talked back to him. Sasha's reward was a slap to the face; swift and very painful. “YOU DON’T EVER TALK BACK TO ME YOUNG MAN OR WOMAN, I AM NOT SURE, DO THAT AGAIN AND YOU GET TWO MONTHS DETENTION”! Sasha was terrified of Principle Kingston. He was a former Green Beret. The principal stood at 6 feet 9 inches tall. (Note: Special Forces are usually average height for a reason; did Kingston lie about his background? Maybe shorten him a bit, even if he still needs to be intimidating -CU) Rumors among students indicated that he physically and verbally abused students all the time. No parent actually cared what the principal did to their kids. The kids' pleas for help were brushed off as tarnishing the principal’s character.
As Sasha left the principal’s office he heard the staff mocking him; something about how they could not tell if he was a man or woman. What did that even mean? He had no ability to ponder what that meant, as he was too busy holding back the tears. The painful emotions were almost too much to hide away. Verbal abuse and bullying was a daily struggle for Sasha, and it never got easier.
While walking down the hall, Sasha had heard a radio playing inside the janitor’s closet. The janitor often hung out there when he had nothing to do. Usually the radio was tuned to a rightwing talk radio station. Political pundits would blather on about various issues foreign and domestic. Today however, the radio broadcast an automated message. The message “The following message is transmitted at the request of the Michigan Department of Health and Human Services. This is a Contagious Disease Warning. A new strain of Varicella Zoster Virus, dubbed A-07662, is spreading across the state of Michigan. Most cases are confined to the Detroit Metropolitan area. The virus is spread through close contact with infected people. For your safety, take the following actions…….” was all Sasha heard before a hall monitor told him to get to class.
Sasha arrived at gym class five minutes late, but there was still enough time to change into gym clothes before class really started. In the locker room, Sasha opened his locker and grabbed his clothes. In an attempt to avoid being mocked for his body, Sasha preferred to change in a more secluded part of the locker room. Doing his best to avoid the other boys was not a success most days, Sasha was still forced to endure the gauntlet of body-shaming and slurs of "she-he". Before putting on a shirt, Sasha went up to a mirror and got a good look at his body. A really good look at his body. Sasha noticed curves, akin to a woman, and slight breast growth. His face turned red as realization set in. Before he fully understood, Sasha heard the gym teacher Russel Adams shout, “All students to the gym floor”!
“Okay kids, first we are going to do warm ups. Afterwards we will be playing kickball. We will start with stretches” said Mr. Adams. Everyone began with basic stretching. During the stretching Sasha noticed a boy looking over at him with a dreamy look. That made Sasha blush. He knew the guy, George Sanders; he was a good friend and the only person Sasha could tell personal secrets to. There was no doubt that Sasha was in love. He wanted George all to himself. Sasha dreamed of kissing him as well as having other, spicier thoughts. (NOTE: Good time to flesh out George -CU) - CorruptUser 04:53, 10 February 2024 (UTC)
@CorruptUser Those are excellent ideas. I strongly appreciate it. --Trans Fem Agenda 18:22, 10 February 2024 (UTC)
- Chapter II comments
- Going to skip copy-editing, just comments on parts that could be changed.
- 1) A dodgeball is unlikely to break your nose, let alone your neck. Dodgeball injuries are mostly from collisions while running; perhaps one of the other jerkass students "accidentally" ran into Sasha and knocked him to the ground, which could cause the injuries. Could be Luke, if he hadn't already stormed off earlier.
- 2) Not really sure about the medical use of morphine, but if they already have you in a neckbrace, I'd imagine they'd already have the IV in place and wouldn't ask Sasha about which arm he'd like poked.
- 3) Doctors are not supposed to talk about the medical diagnosis of patients within earshot of other patients, that's a MASSIVE HIPAA violation. CorruptUser 03:50, 12 February 2024 (UTC)
I improvised on that. I removed the part about morphine and replace the dodgeball injury with a punch to the face. As for the HIPPA law violation, I added that the staff was negligent. --Trans Fem Agenda 16:19, 12 February 2024 (UTC)
Is this really an essayspace thing?[edit]
Why is this in essayspace? It sounds like it would be better-suited for userspace. (Not that it couldn't be both; see my Progress & Regress Pokémon project, which is in my userspace first and foremost but is sub-categorized as being in funspace.) --Luigifan18 (talk) 18:32, 10 February 2024 (UTC)
- I thought it was. --Trans Fem Agenda 20:49, 10 February 2024 (UTC)