Fun:2012 U.S. Presidential Election

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Obama is an out-of-touch elitist, Michelle Bachmann is crazy, and Mitt Romney is a robot from the future sent to kill us all.
—blog post on the 2012 Presidential candidates
the election has already ended. (refresh)

Every four years, two millionaires will compete to prove which has the better PR. On Tuesday, 6 November, 2012, the plucky challenger with tons of cash, Mitt " The Crusher" Romney, went head to head against the slightly less rich world heavyweight champeen Barack "Big Daddy" Obama. Despite putting up a good fight, Romney lost and Obama won a second consecutive championship term.

Major issues[edit]

The books[edit]

Obama's double whammy of hits, Dreams from My Father and, erm, the other one... Hope... something? anyway, those two, helped raise his cash pile to a level that his opponent John McCain just couldn't match - his How I lost count of my houses unaccountably failed to make the bestseller lists. This time round, the boot is on the other shoe; Obama has no new book, while Romney's autobiography No Apology comes in two versions - one with romneycare and one without.

The candidates[edit]

Barack Obama[edit]

BarackObamaportrait.jpg
Barack Obama
Age: 57, will be 51
44th President of the USA
Advantages: Sitting President; charismatic and eloquent; extremely strong fundraising; had an unparalleled field operation in 2008; voters' preferences for a divided government may turn in his favor with the Republican capture of the House in 2010; issued the order to kill Osama Bin Laden; disappointed supporters may turn out for him anyway considering the nature of the Republican race. Sizable numbers of Republicans prefer Obama to the alternatives [1] and the economy is improving. [2] [3]
Disadvantages: Obama's historically poor approval ratings returned once the bump that came from the killing of bin Laden subsided. While Obama's popularity increased around February 2012, public opinion is volatile, especially given the tentative nature of the economic recovery. [4] Obama has disappointed many left-wing supporters with the continuing assault on civil liberties, the escalation of drone attacks, and his failure to enact a truly public health care system; he cannot rely again on his 2008 campaign tactics; he will be primarily judged on the state of what has, until recently, been a remarkably sluggish economy.

Mitt Romney[edit]

Mitt Romney by Gage Skidmore 4 (x).jpg
Mitt Romney
Age: 71, appears 40 thanks to hair dye.
Former governor of Massachusetts
Advantages: He can appeal to moderates and independents, and could potentially put Michigan and even Massachusetts, major states that the Republicans have not won in decades, into play. He has significant experience in both business and as Massachusetts governor. Will have access to substantial funding both because of his own wealth and the support of super-PACs.
Disadvantages: He's too moderate for many Republicans, particularly in the current political climate. He has flip-flopped on several key conservative issues (notably abortion), and his Mormon faith may also hurt him with the Christian Right. His state health care plan for Massachusetts ("Romneycare") looks an awful lot like "Obamacare". He is derided by some as a man who "looks like the guy who laid you off" (and his company, Bain Capital, a typical corporate raider, actually did "downsize" many employees at its targets). Massachusetts ranked 47th in job creation during his time as Governor[5]. No one actually likes him, although his programmers have learned well how to simulate human emotion. [6]

Jesus Christ[edit]

Buddy christ.jpg
Jesus

Age 2016
Prophet

Advantages: Name recognition, perennial write-in candidate, worldwide fundraising juggernaut, sweet beard.
Disadvantages: Likely to run into trouble with "birthers;" speeches advocating tolerance, admonishments of the rich to give away their wealth, condemnation of ostentatious public displays of prayer unlikely to garner much support from the conservative Christian base. Middle Eastern ethnicity will prompt questions of patriotism and suggestions of Muslim affiliation.

Cthulhu[edit]

Cthulhu2012.jpg
Cthulhu

"Why vote for the lesser of the evils?"
Age: several eons
caretaker of the Old Ones and future ruler of Earth

Advantages: lots of experience; charismatic though physically repugnant; has very dedicated followers; master manipulator; strong religious credentials
Disadvantages: ongoing controversy over his citizenship; might be a little too evil even for those who put up with President Nixon and Dick Cheney; his supporters are even crazier than Palin's, which might hamper organization; somewhat poor interpersonal skills; concerns about more long-term hidden agenda; "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" may not work well as a campaign slogan, especially with anti-foreign sentiment; accused of being a Muslim well, OK, not yet, but he will be; people go insane at the sight of him, causing staff retention problems; status as a deity could conceivably alienate religious voters; may messily devour supporters before they can cast ballots; body odor.

Patrick Star[edit]

Patrick2012.jpg
Patrick

"Finland!"
Age: Unknown (varies between starfish species)
Absolutely nothing

Advantages: Strong youth fanbase; unusually honest for a public individual; affable and intelligent (by Republican standards); general lack of wealth may attract working class voters
Disadvantages: Questionable evidence of citizenship (well, Bikini Bottom is located in the Marshall Islands); poor dental hygiene and clothing style; lack of quality work experience; confusing religious beliefs and sexuality could alienate the GOP base; can be prone to laziness and bad decision-making.

See also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]