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Beer pwn
This article is about American Beer. If you were looking for Urine therapy, your confusion is understandable.

Beer is a slower way to get drunk than whisky. It comes in many variations, from "piss"[1] to "sludge"[2], and until the advent of the home-brewing and microbrewery revolutions in the 1990's, American beer was a complete joke.[3] Beer from micro-breweries in the US may be considered ironical as most Americans still don't get it. Up until the summer of 2023, the top-selling beer in America was Bud Light, the consumption of which resembles having sex in a rowboat.[4] However, due to transphobes freaking outWikipedia over a single Bud Light ad with a transgender influencer, in the summer of 2023, the slightly less watery Mexican lager Modelo Especial took over the top spot.[5] The top selling American beer a few decades ago was Schlitz, which isn't even that good.

Beer in philosophy[edit]

  • "You don't own beer, you only rent it."
  • "If you want a beer really bad, we've got a really bad beer."

Good American beers[edit]

Yes, there are a few old-school American beers, i.e. non "microbrews", that are actually good and have been around for decades if not centuries:

  • Anchor Steam Beer
  • August Schell
  • Yuengling
  • Shiner

You have thirty seconds to think of any others. Bet you can't.

Not these[edit]

A few "sex in a rowboat" American lagers have a hipster reputation, mostly because they are perceived part of the local culture, the short list including Iron City (Pittsburgh), National Bohemian (Baltimore), Grain Belt (Minneapolis), Rainier (Seattle), Old Style (Chicago), and Lone Star (San Antonio). Trust us, they all suck, and some of them are no longer even brewed in the cities they are associated with no thanks to brewery closures and corporate takeovers.

Across the Big Pond[edit]

Used to be young and dumb Americans wouldn't truly experience good beer unless they found themselves in Germany or Ireland. There, they would proceed to get so totally shitfaced as to completely swear off alcohol for life, at least until they recovered from said hangover at which time their viewpoint would reverse and they would completely lose any taste they had for the cheap American stuff. Guinness forever! This has no longer been the case ever since the 1990s, when "microbrews" became all the rage. There are plenty of good ones, too many to list here, and it is no longer necessary to cross the big pond to experience good beers. Sadly, Bud Light remains the bestseller. This reveals more about the U.S. than one wants to know.

Even more f'n close to water[edit]

The big brewing conglomerates still not getting it, they are currently marketing ultra-ultra-light beers like Michelob Ultra, Budweiser Select 55, and Miller 64. They are rather like seltzer water, but just the ticket if you want something to sip from all day while working out at the gym, or while you sit in a boat all day.

Is water[edit]

  • O'Douls. Enough said.
  • Clausthaler

If you are going to drink non-alcoholic beer, at least drink one with some decent flavor, such as Kaliber. Oh, and avoid Saint Pauli N.A. like the plague, unless your idea of good flavor is excessive bitterness.

See also[edit]

References and notes[edit]

  1. Most American lagers, especially Coors Light.
  2. Guinness, of course.
  3. Piss, piss, piss, all the way down
  4. i.e., it's fucking close to water
  5. "More bad news for Bud Light as Modelo soars in sales" by Jordan Valinsky, CNN, 2023 August 22