Real Gamers™

• Unless you've sailed across the elephant's teacup, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you’ve set up the hockey paddles to make the puck ricochet back and forth on the TV screen in an infinite repeating pattern, and then gone into the kitchen to make yourself a bowl of Quisp and a Koogle sandwich, you’re not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've gotten the ending where Mark Hamill gets his guts ripped out, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've studied frame data, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've beaten the invisible level during the game's credits, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you hand drew RPG maps on grid paper, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you edited autoexec.bat and config.sys files, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you had to restart your computer so that you could load your game from the command prompt instead of loading Windows 3.1, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless seeing the letters I, R, and/or Q in close proximity makes you curl up in a ball and cry, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've dealt with a game stopping you because you misplaced a feelie, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you beat an Infocom or Sierra game without calling a helpline, you're not a Real Gamer™. If you didn't call a helpline because of free internet guides, you're still not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you know how to get out of a maze of twisty passages, all alike, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've genocided cockatrices, robbed the shopkeeper with a wand of digging and polymorphed your dog, you're not a Real Gamer™ and might have actually finished your degree.
• Unless you used that sweet trick to resurrect General Leo, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you cried profusely to the death of Aerith Gainsborough (and you spell it that way), you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've crashed a Cobra Mk. III into the back of a Coriolis space station, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've pressed play on tape, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you beat another player with Slappers only, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've mapped out the Selenitic Age subway, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've ascended with the Orb of Zot, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you know what the Konami Code is and every game that it is used in, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you know what IDDQD means, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless your whole team got killed by a blaster bomb, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you actually tried to get the truck near the S.S. Anne to move, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you can recite the Eight Virtues from memory, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've got RSI from alternately jamming 'J' and 'K' to win the 100m, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've logged 200+ hours in a futile effort to fill your love, faith, sex and war, and complete the final maze, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless your childhood memories include a tape of 'Do they know it's Christmas' bundled with a crapton of games, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've groaned at a game that forces you to use '6', '7', '8', '9', and '0' to control your character, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've sat there for 10 minutes modulating the volume of a tape recorder to achieve a non-corrupted load from a tape you got free with your monthly mag subscription, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've managed to beat at least one boss on Reallyjoel's Dad difficulty and at least five rooms on Reallyjoel's Mom difficulty, you're not a Real Gamer™. Clearing both of those difficulties without exploits will make you a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've built your own PC, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you have both a card by NVIDIA and a CPU by AMD, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you’ve ever dialed in an OXO move on a rotary phone, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless Gandhi has tried to kill you with nukes, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you know who ate the Dopefish, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've spent $900 on a wagon, oxen, food, ammunition, clothing, and "miscellaneous supplies" and then died of pneumonia straight after starting, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've killed scores of demons with only a shotgun, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you have every unique character (and at least one of every generic character) at level 9999 with 300% aptitude, 186000 stored levels from reincarnation, and every transferable evility and skill (during which time you also maxed out every evil symbol's area and decked everyone out with top-quality equipment stolen from Item Gods), you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you invented a paradigmatic computer operating system that took over the world a few decades later in the course of getting your video game to work, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you've even played an original copy of Spacewar!, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you have defeated the Four Fiends and Chaos with an all White Mage party, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you have punched a boulder into a volcano, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you have beaten eight robot Furries, purple Boba Fett, evil Mr. Clean, and collected all eight heart tanks, all four sub tanks, all four armor parts, and unlocked the Hadoken, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you have overcome your childhood fear of everything and fought an army of Pig Nazis with your Dog, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you race the full 200 laps at Indianapolis (and survive!) in a Penske-Chevrolet, Lola-Buick, or a March-Cosworth, you're not a Real Gamer™. (Bonus points if you win the race.)
• Unless you've beaten Lunatic+ without using Frederick, you're not a Real Gamer™.
• Unless you have simulated a goat, you're not a Real Gamer™, and are banned from this wiki.
• Unless you deny at least one Genocide, you're not a Real Gamer™.

See also

• Truth™ (Real Gamer™ Edition)
• FAKE Gamers
• Filthy casuals
• Enter the fantastical world of Colossal Mancave Adventure™!

External links

• The thread that started this page