User:ChesterTheFatass/Confession

Actually, my name's not Chester and I'm not a fatass. In fact,

I was JacobB by ChesterTheFatass

My Story

Foreword

First of all, I lack any common sense whatsoever. You should know that before reading, because the story of JacobB is a long list of stupid acts by me. So don't scratch your head trying to figure out what the hell I was thinking at this point or that, because I wasn't thinking.

Second, I wasn't really a parodist in the sense that most of what I did was NOT parody. The calculus course, for example, is entirely accurate (or at least, any mistakes are unintentional). I'm not a YEC, but I was raised Catholic and I am politically conservative - well, fiscally conservative, at least. When it comes to civil rights I'm as liberal as can be. So I joined CP, because I thought I might enjoy contributing and needed a way to waste time while unemployed.

As I spent more and more time at CP, I realized just how nutter it was. So I stopped really trying to be productive, and my goal becaome, not to make anybody laugh (though I like to think I made a few people giggle), or to frustrate the powers there (though I think I made a few enemies there), but just to entertain myself.

The Beginning

I immediately set out to make myself useful and to demonstrate expertise in mathematics, by editing a few math articles and fixing broken links in the Obama article. (this was before I realized sources were utterly frowned upon; later I would have a hand in making sourcing statements a de facto bannable offense called "fact-mongering."

I also did a lot of the usual stuff for the beginning stage, e.g., creating legit articles, but I certainly was out of the parodist mold. Parodists, as a rule, suck Andy's dick without question. I fought with Andy on black holes and relativity, not just on-wiki but through e-mail. This wasn't to "avoid suspicion;" like I said, I didn't start out trying to be a parodist (although more and more I tended in that direction). I always tried to write my arguments thinking, "How would I respond to a professor in an argument like this?" This kept my responses free of the "You're the dumbest motherfucker I've ever met" material which would have surely cluttered my message. In all honesty, I can't remember when I also took the "open mindedness" test and started a dispute about whether Newton's formula for gravity had an exponent of exactly two or not. The sheer idiocy of the argument is breathtaking, and I've deconstructed everything wrong with it below.

During this period, roughly, there were several other people who were arguing with Andy about relativity and such. KSorenson, whose eloquence and intelligence doomed her CP career from the get-go, and MarkGall, whose brilliant liberal style bot far outstripped any parody I ever put forth. While I leave it to MarkGall to reveal what he will about that device, I will say that the bot existed, had a real source code that delivered real numbers for different users, and that in my whole time at CP, I made up every single number I reported from it.

When the Conservative Bible Project started, I saw a way to make myself indispensable. Truly, that thing was a godsend to parodists. I formatted almost every book of the Bible. Of course, being an idiot, I couldn't quite figure out how to automate the process correctly, but when I did figure it out, I then posted asking for help, because it occurred to me that I got more cred from the powers the be by doing it by hand, and by asking for help, I implied I was doing it all by hand. I received many (many, many) emails from RationalWikians with code to automate the process, but by this time, I'd figured it out myself. Thanks anyways, y'all.

Giving Away the Account

Here's one of those instances of being a huge moron. Getting bored with the grind, and tired of being the loser who commented on my own activities on CP, I decided to give away the account. Remember, at this time, I still had very little understanding of the CP-RW dynamic, and didn't realize how badly this would expose me.

So I posted that I was giving away an account on WIGO:CP talk, and in doing so alerted a number of people at CP that something was up. Yeah, yeah, dumb me - like I said, this whole story is dumb idea on my part after dumb idea. I'm not a smart man. Anyways, TheEmperor responded and I gave them the password - which was vandal1, by the way (it's since been changed). But they never seemed too terribly interested in using the account, and before long I decided to pick back up again. Being a total moron, it never occurred to me to change the password to something TheEmperor didn't know - a decision which would come back to bite me in the ass.

Over time, other RWians, Nutty (and his sock Conservapederast) more than anybody, would come to hate me and send me spiteful emails, constantly try to out me to TK. As if TK cared.

MisterEd

Not too long after this, somebody created an account here at RationalWiki to say one thing and one thing only - that I was ZelmersZoetrop here at RW. His evidence was airtight, but fortunately it was distributed by email, so I wasn't immediately harmed. I didn't even ask for the email, but after seeing its contents, several RationalWikians decided I should see what had been discovered.

Who was MisterEd? That's a good question, seeing as how next time I came to RW, I was logged in as MisterEd. At this point my roommate was aware of what Iwas doing, because I'd showed him CP to laugh at. Since this was done from MY computer, he's the logical suspect. I'm pretty sure, however, that he's NOT CChristian, who wrote my article on RationalWikiWiki. Dunno who that was.

Anyways, and here is yet ANOTHER example of my extreme stupidity, I tried to hide my connection with ZelmersZoetrop after receiving this email. Let's review my stupid actions here:

1. I asked that my name, ZelmersZoetrop, be changed to Zoetrope. Why didn't I choose something completely unrelated to ZelmersZoetrop? No idea.
2. I tried to hide any connection between these two names, using RW then-enabled hide/show feature for admins. I made many enemies amongst the open-veiwers here at RW.
3. I went into an ill-advised self-righteous "I'm a parodist, therefore you ought to aid me!" rant. I'm sure that won me even fewer friends.
4. By all these actions, I drew far more attention to anybody monitoring RW recent changes than I would have simply by ditching the account forever.

So yeah.... me=dumbass.

Multivariable Calculus

The calculus course is completely free from error - intentional error, at least. Why did I do it? I don't know, honestly. I think it went a loooong way towards gaining Andy's trust, but that's not TOTALLY why I did it. The truth, the honest truth, is that I like writing about math, and since I didn't give a damn about quality, I could just sort of free associate any calc idea I liked into this "course." To those who don't know the subject, or more likely, aren't going to be bothered to read through all that stuff, I don't think anybody could actually learn from this course. You really need a chapter of material for a lot of these concepts, and I'm sure I skipped stuff. A lot of this was taken from lecture notes I'd prepared as a GTA, and the rest I filled in the gaps.

I was taking some measure of pride in running Ed off the math articles entirely. Ed, of course, had added jargon tags to my Banach-Tarski article and I basically told him to fuck himself and removed the tag, and he didn't put it back. (I laughed my ass off at the whole blanking my talk page with a writing plan demand. At that point I was untouchable, even by Ed, and he had egg on his face in the admin circles for that, I would learn.) Anyways, Andy was VERY enthusiastic about my math courses and in an attempt to help, he brought back from the dead SamHB, a legit editor who had run foul of Ed for being smarter than him. TK, thinking that I'd requested this return, got on my ass for going above his head to get people back. I guess he didn't like the idea that anybody but him had direct lines to Andy, even though I hadn't requested shit. That was a little bit of a rift between us for a while, along with my response, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll discuss this matter privately with Andy, and let you know our conclusion."

I spent a lot of time on that stuff, and although I knew nobody was reading and that it would be deleted eventually without anybody having benefited from it ever, I confess I will be just a little sad to see it all deleted, no doubt soon. Makes me understand how upset BMcP must have been with me. Which brings me to...

BMcP (and other creationist stuff)

Andy had expressed to me, in email, that CP was not a creationist website, and that by deleting old-universe material, I was driving away readers and editors who were conservative but not YEC. I, of course, ignored him completely, and of course, found that he backed me up whenever I ignored his direct instructions. There is no better example of this than my interactions with BMcP.

BMcP was an intelligent, educated astronomy buff and legitimate editor who for some mysterious reason had found himself on the most pathetic site on the internet. Instead of applying his impressive talents to a site where they would be appreciated, he spent his time making Conservapedia a more sane and reasonable place. This I would not tolerate. At first, I used talk pages and private emails to stoke Andy against him, and when I finally got Andy to out-and-out accuse BMcP (through the question, "What assumptions are you making in this article,") of being an old-earther, I went nuts and purged his articles of anything implying the universe was older than 6000 years. As Andy's insanity on talk pages grew, he basically implied that nothing could be FARTHER than 6000 light years. So I just had to delete everything that stated otherwise.

I feel bad for treating BMcP like this, but honestly nobody was going to read his material anyways. It's the same as my soon to be deleted calculus stuff - we put it up there, not to be read, but because we enjoyed the act of typing it out.

This was not my only act of creationist bullshit on CP. I also wrote the History of Writing article. That was fun - I had to specifically ignore any source which gave a date for writing before the Ussher chronology said the Tower of Babel happened.

The Parthian Incident

I'm not going to cover every little edit I made that first year, because it's a lot of bullshit and in the end I probably aided the site more than anything, reverting vandals and blocking legit vandals and such. By the middle of 2010, I was starting to get bored as hell, and for July, I basically didn't contribute anything at all. I had contributed, I think, some crazy to the site, but there was nothing anybody could do to top Ken and his machismo bullshit. This is not to imply that I was about to leave. I actually was not intending on ever giving a big parthian - I wanted to leave JacobB sitting inactive so that I could return at will.

Before I was banned forever, TK had removed my "accesscontrol," that is, my ability to turn on and off night editing. He didn't tell me he had done this; he simply said "Oh, yes, the webmaster is having some trouble correcting that feature, but don't worry, we still have the ability to control who can edit." Not realizing he was full of shit, I began resorting to locking the database in the event of vandal waves. This likely caused more headaches for the "senior admins" than if they had left me with my accesscontrol, but it was the best I could do. It was only after I was banned that TK revealed to me he had removed my accesscontrol password and that the feature was never broken. He never revealed what made him suspicious.

Months prior to my grand departure, I had given TheEmperor the password (vandal1) to my account, and being a dumbass, never bothered to change it. Since my computer is free of spyware, and since even if I had any, I can't imagine it would be used to hijack JacobB, I can only assume that TheEmperor was browsing old emails on the 24th or whatever of July, and realized that he had never tried the password I'd given him. I further imagine that he went to CP to try this password, not actually expecting it to still work. I then imagine he managed to log into JacobB, and, shocked at my stupidity in not having changed the password, went on to leave that parthian and to block people and delete mainpageright and all that nonsense.

So, to re-iterate, I was not in contol of my account for the final moments, that was all TheEmperor or somebody he gave the account to, who decided all by themselves to kill JacobB. Whatever. I was going to fade away soon enough anyways.

Anyways, I immediately hopped on gchat and asked TK what the hell was going on. It wasn't hard for him to verify that the final edits had come from an IP I'd never used before, and since I never used any proxies or anything, I'd always edited from basically the same IP, with exceptions for the random friends house I would edit from here and there. While I knew it was an incredible long shot, I also knew that TK himself had come back from the abyss before, so I thought I might have a chance if I took my case directly to Andy and some of the more reasonable admins (Karajou, Geo.plrd).

Since I had edited from my Comcast IP in San Francisco almost exclusively, and since the user who took over my account for the parthian went from a Portland IP through a German proxy, I was actually exonerated fairly quickly. So, go me.

Other Material

This stuff is either a collection of little things I noticed, or minor events that I didn't want cluttering the story above.

Conversations with TK

Not long after I got block rights, TK started trying to chat with me through gmail almost, it seemed, every night. At first, this was infuriating. But before long, it became pretty entertaining, as we told the most bald-faced lies to each other and pretended like we were telling the truth. Over the many discussions we had, TK claimed:

1. To be 100% sure of having access to the next president;
2. To have known Joan Quigley (implying he worked or associated with the Reagan white house)
3. Directly CLAIMING to have worked in the Reagan white house.
4. To have fought in Panama in Intel Ops (presumably against/for Noriega?)
5. TK: "I take literally the injunction, by God, not to judge, unless I am prepared to be judged by Him."
6. That Gerald Ford personally told him secrets about the Kennedy assassination.
7. Knew Heywood Hale Broun, the sports commentator.

You may notice above I had a phone conversation with TK. Yeah. It was weird. We were dicussing some random policy matter and then he rambled on at length wasting my minutes. Highlight of the conversation: "Well, you know, if it was up to me, I'd just kill everybody. Take a tank down the street and start shooting." Yeah. He said that. I'm not going to give out his number.

One other little TK thing I found amusing. If you check the deletion reason for User:AndyJM, you'll see TK deleted this userpage because "content was 'Despite a shaky start I hope to insert parody to the math articles and '". In my capacity as administrator, I could see the final version of the page before deletion. It said nothing of the sort. And I checked the oversight log to see if TK had removed the edit saying this, but there were no oversighted edits for this page. TK just made up some bullshit to get rid of a user.

Newton's Exponent

I had a long argument with Andy about whether the exponent in Newton's gravity is precisely 2. While Andy's stupidity has been documented time and time again, by men and women far smarter than I, allow me to take a moment and address the flaws in the Schlafly meditations on gravity:

1) It's called Newton's theory for a reason. To determine whether the exponent was precisely two, we simply need open our Principia to the part on gravity, and observe whether he wrote 2 or 2.000001.

2) Given this obvious truth, I can only assume Andy means that that ACTUAL effect of gravity is Newton's formula, or could be his formula, but with 2.000001 instead of 2. This, of course, presupposes Newton's theory is true or very nearly true, and that general relativity or other theories are more flawed than classical mechanics. This is empirically false; although none of our current theories are "true" in the sense that they actually give perfect descriptions of observed phenomenon, Newton's falls the farthest from observations.

3) Andy dismissed my explanation of how Newton arrived at an exponent of two because gravity "isn't a wave theory." He didn't seem to understand that I wasn't pulling this method out of my ass, but that I was paraphrasing Principias argument; that the force of gravity was essentially "constant" at all distances from a point mass, but was "spread out" amongst ALL the points that were a certain distance from that point mass; hence the force of gravity at a certain distance from a source would be inversely proportional to the area of a sphere with radius equal to that distance and centered on the source, which of course is $4\pi r^{2}$.

Some of my favorite edits

1984

Ed Poor's purpose

Quim

This whole page.

Imitating the greats.

My favorite image addition.

Complimenting Ed's brilliance.

In defense of the Branch Davidians.

Racism is fun!

SamHB documents this incident better than I ever could.

Praise for JacobB

"JacobB thrives on negativity and left here in a huff when others and I called him on his CP theatrics. He is, in short, a bitch." -

"JacobB: this isn't good parody, it's gutless toadying. You don't make fun of people by becoming them. You're a sniveling shit. The more people you piss off over here the shorter your days at CP." -

"...the dishonesty of JacobB is just breathtaking..." - larron

"Wow, that's a shit thing to do. Especially since it's JM. I'd have expected it if it were TK or JacobB." - Gooniepunk2010

"JacobB is either a superstar parodist or an incredibly dishonest prick... Whilst other top parodists work by insulting and bullying others, JabobB's approach of being extremely dishonest right under the Assfly's nose is genius." - DeltaStar_{Senior Sysop}

"Just thought I'd say, he's definitely a parodist, and one who doesn't take the parodist's guide to heart. Suddenly breaking character to make a valid point? Wrong. You want to say something half way intelligent and completely out of character? Get a new account at a new ip. This is basic stuff here." - Dick Turpis

"For me much of the fun of parody comes from watching TK squirm. He may be psycho but he's not stupid: TK's fully aware that Jacob, Douglas, etc are parodists, but he can't do anything. Even here where JacobB comes close to outing himself, TK has to accept his fake apology. Parodists stymie TK's quest for total control of CP, and I love that." - Wodewick

"JacobB does much more to make Conservapedia entertaining than TK. Just check out the Colbert "discussion" page." - Wodewick

"...I'm glad TK made this immense fuckup, because JacobB is a lot more entertainment than TK ever will be." - ^ONE

"Lovely to see Jacob oversighting people pointing out his own lies. Straight from the TK book of How to be a Cunt. Well done to Jacob for overtaking Bugler as Best Parodist on CP." - Psygremlin

"I had a good laugh. It happened a couple weeks ago, so I thought I just missed it. No more stubs in conservapedia land. RefAppeals are next! Awesome and good job Jacob!" - ^{— Sincerely, Neveruse513}

"There's a first for everything - JacobB made me lol!"- ^{— Sincerely, Neveruse513}

"...good work, whoever is Jacob." - Τe†rоиіαn

"JacobB 1984 WIGO - If he meant it the way we think he did, that's one of the cleverest things I've ever seen... More fun: [link to me calling TK helpful and directing a user to them, subsequently oversighted] This. Pure brilliance." - Τe†rоиіαn

"whatever happened to JacobB? He was the only hope for excitement around these parts." - Τe†rоиіαn

"What is really funny is currently watching JacobB systematically censor every article I have made over the months and removing so much information as to make them useless (and written by a junior high kid). Wow." - BMcP