Essay:Zombie Squirrel Theological Seminary
The school promotes a bizarre theology that merges new age woo, faux ancient Egyptian pseudohistory, and a strange eschatology that cherry picks the more nasty bits from the Book of Revelation. They are obsessed with the biblical parable The Sheep and the Goats, which they interpret as proof of a giant celestial squid creature with squirrel heads that watches over the multiverse and provides enlightenment.
The primary text used by the seminary is the Voynich manuscript, which seminary leaders claim to have deciphered. They believe that the early 15th century text contains all the secrets of the universe, and some secrets for universes other than our own.
Much to the consternation of the local population, the campus is located on a ten acre tract of swamp land in Goat Town, Georgia. Several double wide trailers randomly situated on the property comprise the seminary campus. The surrounding swampland is known for a sizable population of rattlesnakes and quicksand pits.
A large population of semi-feral goats inhabits the area. The animals are considered sacred by the seminary.
All seminary students are required to demonstrate complete devotion to the mission through labor. The school operates a small makeshift factory where counterfeit versions of Levi Strauss & Co. denim jeans are produced. They also run a substantial telemarketing operation.
There is only one course of study. Candidates who pass the rigorous seven year course are awarded a certificate entitled "Most Dreadful Grand Poo-Bah and Right Reverend Master of the High Prairie Dog Society of Goats."
They claim to have awarded advanced theological degrees to dozens of students over the years, though it has proved impossible to locate anyone who claims to have been awarded a degree there.[citation NOT needed]
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