Fun:Conservapedia, The Musical/songs

Andy's solo?

Through what wiki couldn't be I see
a modified reality
where all my dreams are really true
I realize and I can see...

That conservativism is painless
It keeps back many changes
and I can take or leave it as I please

I try to find a way to make
the children realize I'm not a flake
without that ever present hate
but liberals must be burned at the stake

(refrain)

Politics is easy to play
McCain is gonna loose it anyway
Obama runs the Muslim way
so this is all I have to say

(refrain)

The only way to win is cheat
and suckle to your mother's teat
I have all the vandals I can beat
Serving them up some logic treats

(refrain)

- - - - - - - -
- -- - - - --
- - - - - - - -
- - - -- - - - -

(refrain)

A dinner conversation I once had
...

Call for to arms for parodists

I'm trying to work a the song from Music Man called "Iowa Stubborn", but I can't think of an appropriate parody of the title. The lyrics are just too perfect to pass up: "And we're so by God stubborn we can stand touchin' noses for a week at a time, and never see eye to eye." No way can we pass up parodying that. Radioactive afikomen ^{Please ignore all my awful pre-2014 comments.} 04:47, 22 June 2008 (EDT)

Here are the lyrics (written by Meredith Wilson)

Townspeople:

Oh, there's nothing halfway

About the Iowa way to treat you,

When we treat you

Which we may not do at all.

There's an Iowa kind of special

Chip-on-the-shoulder attitude.

We've never been without.

That we recall.

We can be cold

As our falling thermometers in December

If you ask about our weather in July.

And we're so by God stubborn

We could stand touchin' noses

For a week at a time

And never see eye-to-eye.

But what the heck, you're welcome,

Join us at the picnic.

You can eat your fill

Of all the food you bring yourself.

You really ought to give Iowa a try.

Provided you are contrary,

We can be cold

As our falling thermometer in December

If you ask about our weather in July.

And we're so by God stubborn

We can stand touchin' noses

For a week at a time

And never see eye-to-eye.

But we'll give you our shirt

And a back to go with it

If your crops should happen to die.

Farmer:

So, what the heck, you're welcome,

Glad to have you with us.

Farmer and Wife:

Even though we may not ever mention it again.

Townspeople:

You really ought to give Iowa

Hawkeye Iowa

Dubuque, Des

Moines, Davenport, Marshalltown,

Mason City, Keokuk, Ames,

Clear Lake

Ought to give Iowa a try

Here's a video of the song from the 2003 Disney TV version starring Matthew Broderick and Kristin Chenoweth. DLerner 05:40, 22 June 2008 (EDT)

I've got a little list

One of you musical genii can do something with this surely:

I've Got a Little List

SONG--KO-KO with CHORUS OF MEN.

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,

I've got a little list--I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might well be underground,

And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!

There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs--
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs--
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat--
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that--
And all third persons who on spoiling tete-a-tetes insist--

They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list--he's got 'em on the list;

And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.

  ^Contribs_Talk 21:18, 22 June 2008 (EDT)

There's the feminists and their demands to be allowed to work

The masturbators and their sin of staying home to jerk

The evolutionists with all their lying and distortions

The doctors who ignore the links between breast cancer and abortion

And anyone who has been pre-maritally kissed

They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!

Thunderkatz^Ho! 21:32, 22 June 2008 (EDT)

I had considered The Mikado when I added a load of titles as it is a great satire, unfortunately few of them could actually be turned into punning titles. However, if we are actually writing lyrics then that is a whole new ball-game (as they say).
PS I slightly changed Katz's lyrics for a better scan. Genghis^evolving 11:28, 23 June 2008 (EDT)

TEE-KAY

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,

I've got a little list — I've got a little list

Of those RatWikian offenders who might well hide underground,

They never would be missed — they never would be missed!

There's the vandals and the Icewedge gang who really would defile

Our high-quality 'cyclopedia, (which has taken quite a while)

Posting goatse and lemon party pictures which really make one sick

Then messing with our page views, they never miss a trick

And then of course there's all those British parodists

They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS

The Rats are on his list — the Rats are on his list;

And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

TEE-KAY

There's the affirmative action candidate and others of his race,

He is an Islamist — So I've got him on the list!

All those people who vote Democrat then rub it in your face,

They never would be missed — they never would be missed!

There's the feminists and their demands to be allowed to work

The masturbators and their sin of staying home to jerk

Atheistic liberals with all their lying and distortions

PalMD and those doctors who ignore a link 'tween breast cancer and abortion

And anyone who has been genitally kissed

I don't think any would be missed — I'm sure they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS

He's got them on the list — he's got them on the list;

And I don't think they'll be missed — I'm sure they'll not be missed!

TEE-KAY

There's a Professor Lenski; he really is a Dick

A dishonest Evilutionist - I've got him on my list

He fed citrate to E.coli, but it really was a trick

So I've got him on my list, and his petri dish!

All those English soccer players whom I thought heaven-sent

When they supported our demands to relase the evidence

Those liberal trolls who talk, talk talk to waste our precious time

Then bleat of persecution when we confront them with their crime

And any other person who's not creationist

I've got Europe on my list - And none of 'em would be missed.

CHORUS

He's got them on the list — he's got them on the list;

If they're not creationist — None of 'em would be missed!

Genghis^evolving 12:14, 23 June 2008 (EDT)

Another verse

There's Wikipedians and their demands for neutral points of view

And Liberal with no values - I've got them on the list.

Starlets with breast cancer and damned Professors too
They really make me pissed, they never would be missed.
Those fools that ask for evidence and lack thereof bemoan
Who believe any study; any number but my own
I'm ninety percent sure of their views on church and state
And I'm well aware Conservatives are objects of their hate
I can't wait to remove them, like from my ass a cyst

They never will be missed, they never will be missed!

Dude, this is so up my alley... Stile4aly 18:48, 23 June 2008 (EDT)

This is Ratwiki

"This is Halloween" - The Nightmare before Christmas Original lyrics

One of my favorite songs, who want's to help out? I've made a start. It is tailor-made for multiple voices. Genghis^evolving

Here's a link to a played midi version

Performed by the Citizens of Ratwiki

SHADOW
Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?

SIAMESE SHADOW
Come with us and you will see
All the madness at C.P.

PAGE PUMPIN' PATCH CHORUS
This is Ratwiki, this is Ratwiki
Pumping pages in the dead of night

GHOSTS
This is Ratwiki, everybody make a scene
Trick or treat till the creationists die of fright
It's our wiki, everybody scream
As we mock C.P.

CREATURE UNDER BED
I am the Ames hiding under your bed
Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red

MAN UNDER THE STAIRS
I am the one hiding under your stairs
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair

CORPSE CHORUS
This is Ratwiki, this is Ratwiki

VAMPIRES
Ratwiki! Ratwiki! Ratwiki! Ratwiki!
In this place we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song

MAYOR
It's our wiki, don't we love it now?
Everybody's waiting for the next WIGO

CORPSE CHORUS
Round that corner, man hiding in the trash can
Something's waiting now to pounce, and how you'll scream

HARLEQUIN DEMON, WEREWOLF, AND MELTING MAN
Scream! This is Ratwiki
Red 'n' black, slimy green

WEREWOLF
Aren't you scared?

WITCHES
Well, that's just fine
Say it once, say it twice
Take the chance and roll the dice
Ride with the moon in the dead of night

HANGING TREE
Everybody scream, everybody scream

HANGED MEN
In WIGO at Ratwiki

CLOWN
I am the clown with the tear-away face
Here in a flash and gone without a trace

SECOND GHOUL
I am the "who" when you call, "Who's there?"
I am the wind blowing through your hair

OOGIE BOOGIE SHADOW
I am the shadow on the moon at night
Filling your dreams to the brim with fright

CORPSE CHORUS
This is Ratwiki, this is Ratwiki
Ratwiki! Ratwiki! Ratwiki! Ratwiki!
Ratwiki! Ratwiki!

CHILD CORPSE TRIO
Homeschooled sysops everywhere
Life's no fun without a good scare

PARENT CORPSES
That's our job, we do it for free
We are trolls from Ratwiki

CORPSE CHORUS
In our wiki

MAYOR
Don't we love it now?

MAYOR WITH CORPSE CHORUS
Everyone's waiting for the next WIGO

CORPSE CHORUS
Skeleton Jack might catch you in the back
And scream like a banshee
Make you jump out of your skin
This is Ratwiki, everyone scream
Won't ya please make way for a very special guy

Our man Genghis, king of the pumping bot
Everyone hail to the Pumping King now

EVERYONE
This is Ratwiki, this is Ratwiki
Ratwiki! Ratwiki! Ratwiki! Ratwiki!

CORPSE CHILD TRIO
In WIGO, have a good smirk
Laugh out loud at the Schlafly jerk

EVERYONE
La la-la la, Ratwiki! Ratwiki! (etc.)

My own humble contribution

Given that the utter surrealism of CP seems Gilbert and Sullivanesque...

I Am the Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist

I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist,

I'm open to all points of view, as long as they’re Creationist,

I know that dates beyond six thousand years just aren’t historical,

I find a flat denial of all science paregorical;

I rant about the liberals in manner histrionical,

I moralize about hypocrisy, it’s quite ironical,

I know what I should do when faced with knowledge problematical:

I cling to dogma with a zeal which borders on fanatical!

I'm quick to lecture anyone who lacks my moral rectitude,

I ban them if they disagree or give me any attitude;

In short, on my own website, where I govern with an iron fist,

I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!

I pepper all my arguments with fallacies ubiquitous,

I’m blithely unaware they mostly make me sound ridiculous

I quote-mine with a vengeance and engage in logic spurious,

When people question my veracity, it makes me furious.

I’m vi'lently opposed to any teaching evolutional,

I think it should be banned by an amendment Constitutional,

When faced with science I can’t comprehend, I get hysterical,

I’m steadfast in insisting valid sources are all clerical!

Diversity of thought is fine, as long as it’s all uniform

And based upon a worldview that was first set down in cuneiform

In short, my views are so far right they make Limbaugh look centralist:

I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!

In fact, when I can say with a straight face that ID’s secular,

When I see liberal plots in words like “gene pool” and “molecular,”

When I subject all scientific theories to my righteous wrath,

And when I know irrational numbers have no place in modern math,

When I hold forth on subjects like molecular biology,

And claim, despite my ignorance, I’m some kind of authority:

In short, when I can blather on until the very Judgement day,

You'll clutch your head and wonder why I don’t shut up and go away!

For my scientific knowledge, though I'm pluckier than many scum,

Has not been cutting-edge since sometime in the first millennium;

But still if you should ever need a hidebound anti-scientist,

I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!

My Entry For "The Sysops" (Set To The Tune of "March of the Witchhunters"

I need lines for Tinman. Anyone have any ideas?

SYSOPS

Go and block them!

And ban them!

And edit!

ANDREW SHAFLY

(spoken) Go forth, my sysops!

SYSOPS

Go and block them!

And ban them!

And edit!

TK

(spoken) Ban the trolls!

SYSOPS

All logic must be punished!

Science strategically scoured and slain!

All logic must be punished!

Ban the trolls!

TINMAN

(spoken) And this is more than just a service to the Wizard. I have a personal score to settle with Elphaba...with The Witch!

(sung) It's due to her I'm made of tin

Her spell made this occur

So for once I'm glad I'm heartless

I'll be heartless killing her!

CROWD

(Cheer)

And the lion also

Has a grievance to repay

If she'd let him fight his own battles

When he was young

He wouldn't be a coward today!

CROWD

Ban them! Ban the trolls!

ALL

All logic must be punished!

Noble sysops, I would join you if allowed

Because all logic must be punished

Punished

Punished

But how?

White president

I'm dreaming of a white president
just like the Ron we had before
where the GOP wins and nobody sins-
just like the happy days of yore.

I'm dreaming of a white president
just like the ones I used to know
where the ballots are cast and then at last
in right-wing chickenhawks go.

I'm dreaming of a white president
With every CP post I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your presidents be white.

I'm dreaming of a white President,
just like the ones I used to know
may your days be merry and bright
and may all your presidents be white.

I'm dreaming of a white president
with every essay-screed I write
May your days be merry and bright
and may all your presidents be white.

May your days be merry and bright
and may all your presidents be white.

May all your presidents be white (all your presidents be white).
May all your presidents be white (all your presidents be white).
And may all your presidents be
(All your presidents be white)
(All your presidents be white) Summa Atheologica (talk) 22:16, 10 May 2019 (UTC)