Fun:Ed Poor
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This is a copy of a spoof article on Conservapedia. It is presented here for the purpose of
The original was posted on Conservapedia here.
His Royal Highness Edmund Zephyrus Poor is the Arch-Duke of Andyland, a post-rapture dystopia under the rule of the mighty despot referred to as teh Assfly.
History[edit]
Early Childhood[edit]
Edmund has lived a fascinating life, ranging from encyclopedia editor to a KKK cross burner.
Not much is known of Ed's childhood, as he was kidnapped by pirates as his family traversed the great flood, clinging to a floating piece of debris from the RMS Titanic. This door later went on to greater things, such saving the life of Kate Winslet, while Ed was left in the care of the dreaded pirate Assbeard.
Assbeard later renamed his stolen child "Ed Poor", due to the fact he could not afford a decent education for the child.
1950s[edit]
The 50s were a turbulent time for young Ed, never having had a decent family to raise him. Ed turned to a life of crime, and fashioned himself the alias "Red Herring", due to his lack of capacity when it comes to keeping a debate on-topic.
After many arrests for lewd behavior and theft of knowledge, Ed gave up his violent ways and abandoned his crime gang. It is still said that the criminal syndicate known as the Liberals still hunt Ed, hoping to avenge their fallen member, Truth, who was murdered by Ed, using the weapon of gun.
1960s[edit]
Edmund attended rehabilitation for his criminal leanings during this time. He would occasionally fall back into his old ways, until a young man named Zephyrus befriended the troubled youngster.
Zephyrus and Ed grew closer with each passing week, until Zephyrus' incarceration for his leanings. The young Edmund was devastated by his loss. He changed his name back to "Ed Poor", and assumed the middle name Zephyrus so he would always remember that one warm summer's night.
1970s[edit]
Fresh from his ten-year rehabilitation session, Ed was jobless and had no aim in life. His family was lost, his only friend was incarcerated and he had never known the importance of education or employment.
After once again falling into his old ways, Ed was caught stealing from the clothing donation box outside the local Unification Church. A minister by the name of Peter Gnuss took the young Ed under his wing, and promised to turn him into a proper man. Ed was taught the importance of chivalry and prayer in school, while learning to selfishly spread words of hate against homosexuals.
Father P. Gnuss was never aware of the past dealings between young Ed and Zephyrus, until he lay on his deathbed. It is often rumored the last words to escape his mouth were "Damn you, Ed".
1980s[edit]
Ed was now a grown man, he had faith and direction. He assumed a job at Grumman Aircraft Corporation, a supplier of aircraft to the military and navy.
Grumman was a prosperous business, with over twenty five thousand employees at the time of Ed's arrival. Between the time of Ed's employment and the end of the decade, Grumman's workforce had shrunk dramatically, as people fled from the horrors that awaited them at their workplace.
1990s[edit]
With the invention of the internet, Ed had found a new passion. Wikipedia, an online encyclopedia which could be edited by any member of the general public, had become a fascination of Ed's.
Ed was one of Wikipedia's most renowned and respected authors. He quickly advanced through the ranks to become a powerful and influential member of the community. However, Ed had never learned that power corrupts. Never having received an education he never had the chance to be forewarned about this fact. After abusing his powers and bullying contributors to the encyclopedia, Ed was stripped of this rank, and left Wikipedia in shame.
2000s[edit]
It was soon after his disgrace at the hands of Wikipedia that Ed was contacted by the Assfly. A new, ambitious vision was forged between the two. A new, better Wikipedia, one where their power would be absolute, one where only their vision would be accepted.
The concept of every lower individual working toward one end, with no individual gain or power appealed to Ed. He would be able to relive his days of crime, deceit and power with no man able to stand in his way. The project was started, and the nightmare began.
Views[edit]
Ed is a Conservative, believing that every man is created inferior to himself. Traditional families are an important part of Ed's vision of America, as he was able to witness first hand the damage that a broken family can cause.
Homosexuality[edit]
Homosexuality is a conflicting issue for Ed. Father P. Gnuss had always taught Ed that selfishly denouncing homosexuals is important, however Ed still remembers that warm summer's night he spend with Zephyrus.
Scared of his past becoming known by his peers, Ed spends his days creating numerous articles on Conservapedia, explaining how homosexuals are lesser people. This act causes great conflict in Ed's mind, as he is aware that his religion stresses compassion, understanding and forgiveness. It had been hypothesized that Ed is already aware of the fact that he will go to Hell, and therefor disregards these prime principles set by his faith.
Ed has also violated the law by attempting to ask minors for their phone numbers, causing many to question Ed's true intention on Conservapedia.
Mathematics[edit]
Ed has been observed displaying a troubling practice of removing maths which he cannot understand. This has left many scratching their heads, as an Encyclopedia is about learning, not removing content of which one is not aware.
He has also been known to attempt to explain his understanding of Kepler's laws of planetary motion. The resulting incident was so embarrassing, even the Assfly could not bear to look at it, and deleted it from Conservapedia.
Future[edit]
2011[edit]
Tried jumping off a cliff to prove there is no such thing as gravity
We are richer for having lost him