Fun:Joseph Stalin

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Pure sex this lad is.
Necker cube.svg Tired of laughing? RationalWiki has a slightly more serious article about Joseph Stalin.
Fascism is the bourgeoisie’s fighting organisation that relies on the active support of Social-Democracy. Social-Democracy is objectively the moderate wing of fascism.
—Dear Stalin utilising his wisdom

Uncle Joe Glorious Dear Leader Jesus Stalin Joseph Stalin is the murderous tyrant who controlled the USSR with an iron fist fucking saviour of the entire world. Once Lenin defeated the filthy Tsar, and installed sweet fuck all for all Russians and Soviets, Stalin took over and made things worse created the ultimate society for all Communist fighters, the proletariat were freed from their chains at last. He was the fearless leader, who starved Ukraine dry on purpose made the sacrifices necessary for the most prosperous regime, including getting rid of those selfish bourgeiose farmers, shipping those same-sex lovin' rich scum to the gulags, and ensuring that the USA was always trembling at every corner with laughter; from his stupid moustache, to terrible long-term policies. Unfortunately, God knew the glory of Joseph Stalin was just too good for the world, who died too soon, before we could find the keys to immortality. While he may be gone, Stalin stays in the fucking grave, where he belongs lives on in our hearts. Even the might, charisma and mythical power of the Kim family couldn't stack up to the greatness of our dear Man of Steel, Superman Joseph Stalin.

From crushing those hyper-capitalist Nazis, to shipping traitors to the gulag to murder them with the pretense being to teach them the Soviet way, and rallying the populace with his cult, Joseph Stalin is possibly the reincarnation of Jesus.

Zero to Heroooooooooooooooooooo[edit]

Big Joe did some great things. He was born in Georgia Our Mother Russia to save us from ourselves. He robbed banks and kidnapped people for the good of the dear communists. Thanks to the #2 best leader in the world Vladimir Lenin, Joseph became a figurehead of the party. Stalin was so heartless and just not brilliant, that he got a whole goddamn city (Stalingrad) named in his honour! Lenin said that Stalin was too mean to be the next leader, but he had a real fucking good point, instead of the fact that he did not understand the strength required to realise communism at its fullest. Joe was just able to defeat Leon Trotsky and become the leader. Shame for poor Trotsky, but he did not have the sheer, RAW power of Stalin. Weird fact, somehow, soon after this event, Trotsky found an ice pick had somehow been lodged in his head. Unfortunately, Stalin ordered his assasination because he is an asshole, and of course Trotsky died before he could figure this out.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all easy for our great uncle Joe. Without reason, the whole Union began to starve. Oh no! Even worse, the Ukrainians were trying to subvert the communist joy with that filthy scummy belief of the west: CAPITALISM! Thankfully, Stalin handled it expertly. He proved that if you work hard and forcibly starve Ukraine with the Holodomor, you can get through any tribulation! Soon enough, the Ukrainians were starving or dead, and not totally on board with the idea of spreading "equality, common ownership and fairness" for all! Some suspect that the west were stealing the Soviet food, but the more likely situation is those disgusting Kulaks were stealing the farmland. Joe took care of them.

What do you mean that they were making food for the USSR? Ohhhhh…

Still, people did not want Stalin to have the utopia he sought. Those filthy Nazi hyper-capitalist pigs broke a peace treaty and attacked the USSR! But thankfully again, the tiny German empire was nothing compared to the crimson red army aside from the millions already dead. The USSR singlehandedly curb-stomped the fascists with aid from the West, so not that singlehandedly, and returned with tumultuous applause, even the West were so amazed at the brilliance of Joseph Stalin that they couldn’t help but clap.Do You Believe That? In celebration of this monumental feat, he taught , by that we mean annexed and totalitarianised, Eastern Europe in the ways of beautiful Stalinist Communism.

Even as Uncle Joe aged, he did not relent. He purged the traitors of the state, allowed the invasion of the dirty South Korea to cleanse it of capitalism which failed, and the South became far more prosperous than the North[citation NOT needed], and detonated a HUGE nuke. The West were soooooooooooo envious of Stalin's sheer artillery, that they said "fuck you! :( I can make a better bomb", which triggered an event known as the Cold War, although we can assure you Stalin meant nothing but peace which is what they all say.

Soon, God came from heaven and said "Well done, my Son of Steel. It is time to depart". Stalin departed from his body on the 5th March 1953. People were sad, and they knew that they had witnessed a miracle, a man so fucking awful, not at all generous and warm-hearted. So long, dear comrade. :(

The Beautiful things he did[edit]

Stain's achievements are nil. The disgust of any sane person is endless. We could not list his greatness in its full capacity here. But here are some highlights of dear comrade Joe:

  • The Gulag™. Greatest. Creation. Ever. Here's a non-exhaustive sublist of what a Gulag can do:
    • If you dare say you're better than Stalin, you can take your issues to the Gulag™!
    • If you love the same sex, congratulations! Get to the Gulag™!
    • If you dare taint the Fatherland by being captured by filthy capitalist countries, one way ticket to the Gulag™!
    • If you would so think of not accepting an invitation to the USSR, the Gulag™ will convince you!
    • If you really think Capitalism is better, you will know the beauty of the Gulag™!
    • If you so happen to not be Slav, the Gulag™ will cleanse you of your filth!
    • Do you think stinking Capitalism is better?? Know your place Americans. Gulag™ Time!
    • If you criticise the comrade who brought us to this- Ite, fuck you. Off the Gulag™ you go! Asshole.
  • Slapped the Nazis around although with an army that was severely wounded by Stalin putting everyone in the Gulag™, making sure that capitalist disgust wouldn't taint the Red Earth, and annexation wouldn't ever ruin the world too.
  • Fookin machines! Well, with a little more effort than it was worth, the Soviet Union struggled through that
  • Purging our enemies!
  • Giant bombs! Take that America!!

Legacy[edit]

Stalin died a hero. But his covert American successor Khrushchev said he was a murdering asshole! He clearly didn't understand the sacrifice necessary for the revolution, weak capitalist scum!!!!1111oneoneone

Joseph Stalin may not be celebrated a hero around the world because of the lies and untruths of the Western Bourgeious media. We failed, but don't worry! Soon, the world will know just how heroic, brave and triumphant dear Joe was!