This article is primarily a work of satire and mockery.
The serious version is a better source of actual information, and the reality is arguably just as funny as the stuff we make up.
The Tea Party movement surfaced as a series of totally grassroots protests that were not in any way an attempt by FAUX News to use America's most abundant resource (dumb people) to fill some time during slow news days. Followers of the movement are affectionately called Teabaggers or Fucking Morons. Teabaggers themselves prefer the former.
The party name is stolen from the Boston Tea Party, which is so irrelevant to actual Teabagger demands that they could just as well have named themselves The Sonny Bono Pony Kristallnacht Marchers.
What is it?
The Tea Party is a loosely organized protest group, sharing some common complaints. Their demands are varied, and in some cases spelled correctly, but their core beliefs and goals can be summed-up as follows:
- Smaller gummint and lower taxes
- No more Commyism in gummint
- The right of the poor to die swift and affordable deaths
- Ongoing employment for Sarah Palin
- If it can't be boiled down to a catchy slogan then it's not worth saying
- Not racist!
- Seriously, we're not racist
Requirements for membership
Membership was originally flexible. In more recent times the groups have had to contend with Infiltration by parodists who pretend to be Teabaggers in order to undermine the Tea Party movement. Why anyone would do this is anyone's guess, since the help is hardly needed. Prospective members must provide evidence of the following:
- Reliance on welfare
- No medical insurance (except for Medicare, Medicaid or veteran's benefits)
- Inability to say anything that has not appeared on Fox News
- A totally bizarre and distorted understanding of what the Boston Tea Party and Revolutionary War were about
- Poor English
- No sense of shame
New members, once they've been vetted and confirmed to be genuine, are taken before Glenn Beck. During ceremonies, often involving hundreds of people at a time, devices are implanted in to the heads of new Party members in order to allow a mixture of Beck's instructions and Sarah Palin's gutsy and quirky catch phrases to be fed directly in to the mind of the member. Should we drown Obama in a bucket? You betcha!
Ceremonial tinfoil hats are awarded to the acolytes in order to ensure they're not exposed to contradictory information.
For men, it kind of gets them out of the house, which is good since it gives the wife a chance to hoover under the sofa and contemplate starting a new life with someone who wears clothes that don't feature either the U.S. Flag or truck logos. Female members help disprove the notion that the world would be a saner and happier place if it was run by women. Kids will be able to share in the joy of collective hate from an early age, as well as learn about important priciples like frugality and environmental responsibility through practical demonstrations such as dumping whole crates of unused teabags into nearby bodies of water.
Three Hilarious Years as Political Target of IRS Exposed!!
(Insert "Barracking the Obama" joke here.)
- There are actually black members of the various Tea Party groups, proving that idiocy is the great equalizer of the races.