Al Gore

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Gore hard at work inventing the internet and global warming simultaneously.
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Albert Arnold "Al" Gore, Jr. is a former Senator and Representative from Tennessee who served as Vice President under Bill Clinton (1993–2001). He is a prominent liberal boogeyman. The excuses for this boil down to:

  • People think he claimed he invented the Internet.
  • Conservatives treat him as the Final Boss of global warming. If they beat him then they win the debate forever.
  • He's an old white man with a "D" next to his name, which obviously stands for Douche. An "R" would mean Righteous!

In the 2000 presidential election, he won the popular vote but lost the judicial electoral vote to George W. Bush, forcing his retirement. His daughter was a writer for Futurama, and Al voiced himself in 5 episodes.

Inconvenient truths[edit]

See the main article on this topic: Fun:Really embarrassing liberals

It's hysterical watching conservatives lose their shit over Gore having an air-conditioned house. This is not to say Gore doesn't have dirty laundry:

  • In 1993 he debated H. Ross Perot over NAFTA, and took the pro-NAFTA side.
  • His wife Tipper was responsible for "Parental Advisory" sticker and clean edits (But I do know one thing though, chickens, they come they go) for albums.
  • (Related to above) He worked with Strom Thurmond to try to introduce a blank tape tax to "combat piracy"; Thurmond's wife was also part of the PMRC, leading some to wonder if the PMRC was a distraction. Of course, taxing blank tapes would have the "unintended" side effect of effectively preventing new "indie" artists from releasing their own albums, and reduce the chance of any new record company forming. It failed thanks to the efforts of Frank Zappa and other lesser deities that walk amongst us.
  • His running mate in 2000 was Joe Lieberman.
  • Fred Phelps housed campaign workers for Gore's 1989 Presidential run. Fred Phelps Jr. hosted a fundraiser for his Senate campaign.[1] Phelps naturally turned against him later.
  • He put a lot of people off Thai massages.[2] Also, he was rumored to be banging Larry David's wife, though nothing was proven (what'd you expect from the Daily Mail?).[3]
  • He was a tobacco farmer, landlord, and chief lobbyist in Congress - until the Clinton's went on an anti-tobacco jihad when he finally became an anti-smoking nazi.[4]
  • He spent years warning about global warming and his solution was... carbon credits. Also, he has a lot of stuff in his office that has a carbon footprint. Yes, we must shun him until he moves into the woods to live solely on pine cones and earthworms. Only then can we take him seriously.

Bush v. Gore[edit]

See the main article on this topic: Bush v. Gore

Despite all the hoo-hah, the fact remains that in the 2000 presidential election, he lost his home state of Tennessee. Had he won that state, the result of the election in Florida would not have mattered. His poor campaigning also lost him relatively easy states such as New Hampshire. Additionally, both his home state of Tennessee and Clinton's state of Arkansas had gone to the Democrats in 1992 and 1996. This may have been because he tried to distance himself from the popular incumbent President Clinton after the President's impeachment. Any of those states would have changed the outcome of the election.

Gore's defeat in the 2000 election, despite popular vote victory and apparent victory in Florida, which a recount would have disclosed, was a result of a Republican strategy taking advantage of possibly the dumbest trial judge in the State of Florida who consistently delayed ordering a recount of the multiply defective Florida election results. Tom Delay paid for busloads of Republican operatives to engage in a near riot outside of the locked room where votes were being counted. When the sharpest lawyers money could buy finagled Gore v. Harris all the way to the US Supreme Court, Antonin Scalia led the Court into one of its most ignominious rulings in history, which was basically that since so much time had elapsed (due to Republican dilatory tactics) there would have been too much of a rush to count the votes, so they would not be counted.

His failure to capitalize on the Clinton momentum and defeat Bush is rightly seen as an embarrassment, both for him and the party. On the other hand, those coattails had some nasty white stains on them, and obviously it was bad luck that it all came down to Bush's brother's backyard and a conservative-tilted Supreme Court. Too bad we'll never know the details of the fight Gore and Clinton had afterward. Supposedly it was pretty epic.

Publications[edit]

He is also known for his books and documentaries on politics and the environment:

  • Earth in the Balance (book)[5]
  • Assault on Reason (book)

Inventions[edit]

Al Gore created the Internet in 4004 B.C.[6] worked hard in the Senate on policy initiatives that eventually led to the Internet as we know it. Some may not like it, but it happened.[7] Vinton Cerf and Robert Kahn, the two men who, as much as anyone, can claim to have invented the Internet, say Gore deserves the credit he claimed.[8] Also invented global warming in conjunction with George Soros

Business connections[edit]

Gore has also been a member of the Board of Directors of Apple Inc. and a co-founder of the Emmy-winning cable channel Current TV, which specialized in independently produced short-subject documentary films.

Awards[edit]

Gore was a co-winner, along with the International Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), of the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize for his exposure of the causes and consequences of global warming.[9]

Along with a Nobel Prize and Emmy, Gore has won many other awards.[10]

Military service[edit]

Unlike many sabre-rattling chickenhawks, Gore declined a position in the National Guard and volunteered to go to Vietnam. "He said that if he found a fancy way of not going, someone else would have to go in his place," recalled his former housemate, actor Tommy Lee Jones.[11] His father was at the time engaged in 1970 Senate election campaign, with Gore claiming that his failure to enlist would have adversely affected his father's campaign.[12]

He didn't see much fighting, but at least he wasn't hiding in the Texas Air National Guard or spending the duration of the war dealing with an anal cyst or shitting himself for a deferment.

Lampoonin'[edit]

Al Gore has been lampooned in various forms of American media for his seemingly textbook liberal agenda. In 2006 he was parodied in an episode of South Park in which he insists on informing the residents of the town about the existence of a "half man, half bear, and half pig."[13] Throughout the episode, attempts by some characters to escape from Al Gore or to remove him from the proceedings end with another character defending him, saying "No, I feel kinda bad for him. I don't think he has any friends." The episode ends with Al Gore attaching a cape to himself and pretending to fly off.

One in every family[edit]

Al is a distant cousin of Gore Vidal, a fact neither liked to acknowledge.[14]

See also[edit]

  • Gore's Law
  • Hillary Clinton - Supposedly, Hillary trod on his toes back when he was VP. He brushed off opportunities to endorse the presidential nominee, before finally caving in July 2016.

External links[edit]

References[edit]