Children
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| Live, reproduce, die Biology |
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| Life as we know it |
| Divide and multiply |
| Great Apes |
“”Homer: Well if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse...
Bart: What about adultery? |
| —The Simpsons |
Children are larval humans. They start out as helpless parasites babies, unable to feed or care for themselves at all, and gradually grow larger and learn useful skills, like sticking gum to furniture or tying pink ribbons onto other defenseless animals. Due to their nature, they are often quite vulnerable to certain myths, like the inflated value of spare teeth, fat men in red suits giving things away for "free", or other big men in the sky answering wishes you make just before bedtime.
Usually by the age of seven or so, they will exhibit relatively distinct personalities and burgeoning talents or skills. A few years later, they metamorphose into an ill-tempered, cocoon-like state known as puberty. During this time they are more or less helpless and as demanding as a new-born baby once more. This phase lasts from two to thirty six years.
After puberty turns them into little adults, fully capable of breeding, they will still need anywhere from two to twelve years' further training in order to play a useful role in society (i.e. welding, plumbing, cooking, etc.). This time period partly depends on how "advanced" the culture in which they live has become, and the individual's career ambitions.
Playing the Kid Card[edit]
Won't somebody please think of the children?!?!!