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Essay:Doctor C. R.'s MIRACLE cure for EVERYTHING

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Essay.svg This essay is an original work by Dr. Circular R. Reasoning of the Fare E. Tale Faith-Healing Clinic.
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Here is my satirical faith-healing essay. --Goatspeed. Fossil evidence of my evolutionCircularREmail2.gifasoningPrototype lab 02:54, 24 January 2019 (UTC)

(TW: Homophobia)

WARNING: This essay contains CONTROVERSIAL information that Big Pharma does NOT want you to see. It explains a cheap, EASY way to cure CANCER, HIV, AUTISM, DIABETES, and pretty much EVERYTHING that is currently deadly and requires a bunch of self-damaging procedures designed to make Big Pharma rich. They are literally PRAYING to their false god the Goat that you NEVER, EVER, EVER discover this.

My wife SCREAMED when she saw my anti-retroviral pills in the TRASH!!!!!!!1!1!!!!!!11!!1![edit]

If you or a loved one has one or more of the following:

  • Autism
  • Diabetes
  • Cancer
  • Sin
  • Critical thinking skills
  • Atheism
  • Liberalism
  • Materialism
  • Homosexuality
  • Transgenderism
  • Satanic parasites (more details on those later)

.. then it is STRONGLY ADVISED that you read my long, boring, weasel word-and-all-caps-filled monologue to THE VERY END, if you truly love them and want them to live.

Atheists can scoff and blaspheme and mock all they want... but their JAWS DROP upon reading this!!![edit]

If you or a loved one has autism, diabetes, cancer, sin, liberalism, materialism, atheism, homosexuality, transgenderism, or satanic parasites (more about them later), then fear not, good Christian- for God has JUST THE SOLUTION for you! As a God-fearing, Buybull-thumping, righteous, Holier-than-thou man of God, it is my sacred duty to share with you this INCREDIBLY SIMPLE divine solution to the problems explained above. That damn Big Pharma (with the help of Satan of course) is not only denying that this incredibly simple trick exists, but they're also COVERING IT UP!!! And even your DOCTOR, though well-meaning, is also unknowingly being a shill to this scandalous and Satanic anti-Christian conspiracy by not knowing about this INCREDIBLY SIMPLE faith-based healing trick. And I mean, you obviously can't blame him; he means well, and is blinded by Satan into believing that he is doing you a favor by prescribing, prescribing, and prescribing to you all those painful, excruciating, and of course, ridiculously expensive TORTURE METHODS- in other words, radiation therapy, surgery, vaccines, and worst of all, RAMPANT HEDONISTIC MATERIALISM. Big Pharma and their close-minded atheist shills here at IrrationalWiki always win, and poor good Christians like you and me lose. It doesn't need to be this way. In JUST A FEW SECONDS, I will reveal to you the supressed and often-censored divine secret that CURED me of HIV: Now, as we all know, HIV is not really spread by blood, semen, vaginal fluid, or breastmilk, contrary to what Big Pharma wants you to believe (what a shocker!). You see, it is actually, in fact, caused by these little, teensy-weensy Satan-controlled PARASITES the size of dust particles that exist only within the bowels of gay men and are spread through filthy gay SODOMY; Fred Phelps was right all along. Shocking, isn't it? Now, the best way to cure HIV is OBVIOUSLY[note 1] by repenting of your hedonistic and wrong choice, loathing your own natural self and sex-drive, and pinky-promising Yee-soos that you will never, EVER commit sodomy EVER AGAIN!!! Once you do that, then God will smite the satanic parasites and SAVE you from HIV. If you don't hate yourself and incessantly apologize for loving the wrong sex and continue to proudly be your sinful, filthy and natural self, then the satanic parasites will transform into GODLY parasites- and this will serve as an absolutely just punishment for your hedonism and perverted agenda!

However, in order for all this to work, you must recite some SUPER-DUPER SPECIFIC prayers and unhinged incantations from my TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY FREE book: Simple Faith-Based Healing Solutions by Dr. Circular Rohan Reasoning. It not only explains in pedantic, excruciating detail all the magical woo that must be done in order to cure HIV, but it also has cures for cancer (caused by atheist witches contrary to Big Pharma's lies), autism (caused by demonic possession contrary to Big Pharma's lies), and diabetes (caused by atheist obesity-induced lack of machismo, contrary to Big Pharma's lies)- all in that FREE book, complete with a SERIOUSLY TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY FREE AMAZON GIFT CARD OF $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00!!!

To get your FREE book and FREE money award, simply sign up for my newsletter- starting at $199.99. Will not accept cash, so for reasons I refuse to explain, you will have to give me your credit-card number, your social security number, your home address, the exact coordinates of your house, and other suspiciously sensitive information.

Best wishes, and GODSPEED!

Thank you, Dr. Reasoning![edit]

When I was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer, I read your AWESOME book, and the tumors MAGICALLY DISINTEGRATED, and I got to keep my hair! LOL thx, Dr. Reasoning!
—Joe Shmoe
I was at first a godless, close-minded skeptic, but then after reading your book, I instantly stopped taking insulin injections, and I felt MUCH BETTER!!! And I can now eat the super-sugary foods that I once LOVED!!! Thanks, Dr. Reasoning!
—Jane Doe
This book will very likely help me boost Conservapedia's search results on a certain search engine starting with G, enabling us Creationists to crush Atheism and Evolution on the Internet like a tin can. THANKS GENTLEMAN REASONING!!! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!
Kenneth DeMyer

Notes[edit]

  1. Oh, and we ALL know that using ALL-CAPS is OBVIOUSLY THE ABSOLUTE BEST way to get a point across!!!1!