"Talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner, except this guy." —Homer Simpson
A snarky summary of the Bible
The Bible is the most popular fantasy novel ever written. The first main character is a stuttering, orphaned, Jewish murderer named Moses, who was raised by the Egyptian royalty. He leads a resistance and eventually escapes Egypt with his people, and then wanders around the desert for a while, and after he dies his people go on to create Israel without him. He told people that he followed a
sadistic tyrant god that was their god now, and they had to follow him or else. This god was so special because Moses said he created the Earth some two thousand years before, over a seven day period. Then his god put people on the earth, starting with a guy, then eventually giving him a wife. They ate a fruit when Moses' god told them not to, so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of the paradise he made for them. Since there was no more paradise, this made carnivorous animals start to eat other animals, all because of us. The only people worth talking about at this point were inbred from this first couple. Later, an alcoholic named Noah built a boat because Moses' god told him to. Then that god told him to collect two of each of the billions of species on Earth. Once all the species were collected, that god then drowned everything and everyone else because they pissed him off. Then Noah and his wife got down to another round of inbreeding, and all modern humans are inbred cousins through them. Within a few more thousand years all the different races of humanity had diverged, and all the plants, animals, and insects, etc. had repopulated the earth, bringing us back to the main plot line. A bunch of crappy stuff happens to the Jews, until a new main character is introduced.
The new character is called Jesus, whose mother was a virgin, and who is supposed to be his own dad (no, really!). He came along and told people that they should believe in him, because he was the only way into this awesome new paradise in Heaven, where animals don't eat each other any more. He proved all this, and that he wasn't faking, by doing magic tricks for any people who would stop and listen to him. Then some hateful Jews came along and got him killed, because they thought his teachings were hate-speech, and had to be destroyed. Then he goes on to an underworld full of pain and suffering. However, a few days later he crawled back out, and this now-zombie Jesus rolled away a rock and scared two poor innocent women, then joined the poor saps he had tricked, had them poke fingers in him, and told them some spooky stories about the bad afterlife. He reiterated that everyone had to believe in him or they wouldn't make it to the happy afterlife. After this, Jesus crawls up to heaven, and his poor mates are left on Earth without him, just waiting for a new main character to lead the way.
Previous snarky summary
Perhaps the most popular fantasy novel ever written. Wait a moment -- Moslems think the Koran is better! Anyway, the main character, Jesus (a zombie who was his own father) was born of a virgin. He came to tell mankind that they should believe in him or he will punish them for eternity in hell ( a dark hot place underground). To prove that he is not just faking he did magic tricks for the people who would listen to his speeches. He told people that the earth was create 8 thousand years ago, over a seven day period. He put two people Adam and Eve on earth. They ate an apple when he told them not to, so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of paradise. All of mankind is their inbred descendants. Later an alcoholic named Noah built a boat because God told him to. God then told him to collect two of the billions of species on earth in just a few days. Once all the species were collected, God drowned everything, and everyone else because they pissed him off. Then Noah and his wife got down to the inbreeding. Within a few more thousand years all the different races of humanity had diverged, and all the plants animals, insects etc. had repopulated the earth. Then some filthy Jews escaped Egypt and wandered around the desert for a while before making Israel. Jesus was born, the filthy Jews killed him, he went to hell, and laughed at all the people that were sent there came back to life as zombie. He told everyone spooky stories about hell. Then he went to heaven a (happy place up in the sky). The end.
References and notes
- Now godless paleontologists imagine they've found evidence of carnivorous animals eating other animals before humans existed. That shows how ignorant and evil paleontologists are. They contradict the Bible. Wait a moment. The Bible's fantasy fiction. So paleontologists aren't evil after all. Vegetarians are so ashamed of this, that they stopped eating other animals.
- Vegetarians rejoice!