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There are no atheists in the 85th minute.
—Teju Cole

Football is played by 22 players, on two teams of 11 each, using a spherical ball. In common with all the world's great games it was invented in the United Kingdom, although it is particularly strong in Latin America, Europe, Africa, Asia, Oceania everywhere but the United States of America and Antarctica. Each team tries to score points by kicking the ball into the opposing team's goal. With the exception of one player on each team, who is designated the goalkeeper, the players are not allowed to touch the ball with their hands. Physical contact between players beyond the purely accidental is also forbidden except when celebrating the scoring of a goal where only bodily penetration is considered taboo on the field of play.

Football is a strong spectator sport with many ancient and honoured traditions. Most of these involve the consumption of considerable amounts of beer, screaming incoherently, and/or causing significant physical harm to supporters of the opposing team.

Referred to as "soccer" by nations which practice "dental hygiene." Ha, fucking ha!

Low scores. Ties. Neymar Luis Suárez Raheem Sterling Italians with three hundred dollar haircuts rolling around like they've been shot whenever someone so much as touches them.[1] And Latin American sportscasters yelling "¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!" at the top of their lungs for 30 seconds whenever someone scores.[2] What's not to love?


The French International Fascist association, the international governing body of soccer is so corrupt they make COBRA look like Doctors Without Borders. Their general modus operandi is to offer hugely lucrative deals to the wealthiest people in poor countries, then demand sweeping changes of the law to ensure Sepp "Skeletor" Blatter makes his paper, while everyone else suffers. Almost every world cup in the past 3 decades has been met with massive protests, which invariably result in brutality and bloodshed. Oh. This was supposed to be funny.


American "football"[edit]

At one point, the Americans started playing rugby. Then they changed the rules a bit, made the ball a bit pointier, added lots of armour and decided to call the game "football," completely ignoring the fact that the players spend most of the time sitting down, scratching their crotches waiting for the 5 second burst of actual game to happen carrying or throwing the ball around (when they aren't crashing into each other). American "football" can easily be distinguished from real football due to being totally boring its lack of use of the foot and players being less likely to throw themselves on the ground, rolling half the field with a pained expression after coming within 1 meter of an opponent.

Dem silly Murkins.


American football is made almost tolerable by cheerleaders, fabulous halftime shows, hilarious Superbowl ads, lots of beer and high-caloric food, punctuated by (yawn) football.

See also[edit]

  • George Best. Just plug his name into YouTube. A few hours later you might need to get some sleep before work.


  1. Cheating the Beautiful Game, The New Yorker
  2. Battle Cries, The New York Times