From RationalWiki
Jump to navigation Jump to search
What shall I use next? Eraser, foot wedge, gimme, hand wedge, mulligan, or sandbag?
Q: Are there safe ways to put each other to sleep?
A: Try C-SPAN. If C-SPAN doesn't work, try golf—playing it, watching it, reading about it. If golf doesn't work, try Ambien.
—Dan Savage[1]

Golf (an acronym for Goats Only, Lambs Forbidden) is a fun thing to do when you aren't fishing, hunting, or editing Conservapedia. It has been defined as what folks who mostly wear ties all the time do when they take their ties off. To play golf, you need a ball, a set of clubs and the promise of a stiff drink at the end. Men, try not to wince when you give that ball a good whack with your club. Golfers should use only clean balls. Teabagging is one way to get those balls really clean never mind.

For those lacking in size, there's always miniature golf.


Some gophers have actually taken up the game themselves

Gophers can be a nuisance on golf courses. All golf courses employ groundskeepers to maintain the course and keep it free of gophers, and sometimes to surrepetitiously grow marijuana somewhere on the course. In order to conquer the gopher, the groundskeeper must learn to think like an animal, and whenever possible, to look like one. The first thing they do is kill all the gophers on the golf course. (But if we kill all the golfers wouldn't they lock us up and throw away the key? No, gophers you idiot, gophers. Those little furry brown rodents.) Sometimes high explosives are used for this purpose, preferably explosive putty shaped in the form of the gopher's allies, the harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.

How to play[edit]

The goal of golf is to get the ball into the hole using the fewest number of strokes. Usually several men will be competing on the golf course for who can employ the lowest number of strokes. This is called stroke play. Along the way, golfers try to avoid such hazards as mounds and the rough. Seriously guys, playing around the mounds with your balls and club can be tempting but it is a distraction from the real goal, which is the hole.

Holes are marked to prevent golfers from ending up with the wrong hole.

A truly skilled golfer can hit a hole in one.

Beavers are not to be confused with gophers, who remain a nuisance on golf courses.

An introduction[edit]

An introduction from the 1994 winner of the Jayne Mansfield Desert classic:

How to cheat[edit]

  • Eraser — changing the score with pencil eraser
  • Foot wedge — kicking the ball to a better spot
  • Gimme — counting a ball on the green as a one shot without actually hitting it
  • Hand wedge — throwing the ball to a better spot
  • Mulligan — doing a shot over, usually only allowed on the first tee
    • Floating mulligan — doing a shot over wherever you like
  • Sandbagging — Lying about one's handicap in order to increase one's chance of winning


Many older golfers employ young caddies to carry their gear and for partnership while on the golf course. One good place to hire a caddy is

When the caddy is carrying your clubs they should be protected with a golf club head cover.

More fun trivia[edit]

The first ever 18 hole golf course was founded in 1892 on a sheep farm in Downer's Grove, Illinois. 18 sheep, 18 holes. Those fun lovin' Illinois farm boys got this sport started right from the beginning aka putting in the rough.

See also[edit]

  • Kim Jong Il, the world's most accomplished golfer, single-handedly capable of incredible feats on the course.
  • Donald Trump — the world's most notorious golf cheat[2]


  1. Savage Love: Cams and Panties
  2. Trump’s golf game tells us an awful lot about Trump by Dana Milbank (August 2, 2017 at 4:51 PM) The Washington Post.