A hangover is a terrible and vicious thing which looms up at you around 6 AM. God puts hangovers in your head to make you feel guilty that you're not going to church on a Sunday morning. If out and about at such hours of a Sunday morning (an inexplicable behaviour pattern, usually only performed while returning home from the clubs and in search of greasy food or sex), and not in church nor intending to go to church, the Lord will cause you further suffering by making you have to deal with those that are. This takes many forms, none of which are desirable.
The symptoms of a proper hangover are such that, upon waking, you spend the first ten seconds thinking you are dead, then the rest of the day wishing you were.
More specifically, symptoms include the following:
- Head throbbing, feeling big and fluffy and belonging to someone else
- Eyes gritty (when openable) and hypersensitive to the light of luminous alarm clock at fifteen paces
- Focusing! - now there's a whole 'nother story
- Hearing intensified to point where cat purring on other pillow sounds like Vesuvius erupting in next room
- Balance non-existent
- Both heat and cold entirely unpleasant, though cold is better
- Mouth tasting of partied-on carpet
- Stomach roiling
- "Lower down" gets unmentionable
- Your sweat smells like a wading pool full of hot, flat beer from last week.
- You have a fear of talking to anyone whom you may have met the previous night, spoken to on the phone or sent an email or text message to.
- Unable to answer the telephone
- Inability to perform simple mathematics
- A very fucked off girlfriend/boyfriend and/or a stranger lying in bed next to you.
- Lack of money
- A pathological desire to lay on the floor. And be very still.
- Inability to recognise the man/woman/entity you have woken up in bed with.
- Lack of alcohol in the house
Diagnosis is often simple:
- "Did you drink a lake of booze last night?"
- "Did you consume more than five different types of alcoholic beverage last night?"
- "Did you fail to eat more than a few crackers, then drink wine before beer, followed by whiskey, vodka, tequila and then some Sambuca?"
- "Do you recall the floor repeatedly swinging up and hitting you in the face?
- "When you awoke, were the surroundings unfamiliar?"
- "Was a black, Muslim, Radical Christian Marxist terrorist elected President of the US last night?"
It is also possible to misdiagnose a hangover. The condition is frequently mistaken for actual death, the sufferer believing that they have been transported across the dark and choppy waters of the River Styx, hence the queasiness and appalling pain.
There are many known cures for hangovers. None of them work.
- Bacon and eggs and hot sauce and Sex
- Al dente ramen noodles and Sex
- Bukkake udon and bukkake with udon
- Bananas (for potassium) and Bananas (for Sex)
- Other potassium-rich foods and Sex
Raw Potassiumand Sex
- Crack cocaine and Sex
- Methamphetamine and Sex
- Checking your emails, and sending emails
- Racist chants  and Sex
- Relieve yourself in the toilet, followed by relieving yourself in the toilet
- BC headache powder (in little sachets at the corner store) and Sex
- A bloody mary and a steak sandwich, and a steak sandwich and Sex
- Sesame chicken from the takeaway down the road a bit and Sex
- Chilaquiles and Sex
- Bagels and Sex
- Johnny Cash and Sex
- The "hair of the dog" (a temporary cure that leads to high tolerance levels and a cirrhotic liver) and Sex
- Bed and Sex
- Sticking to vodka the night before and Sex
- A Mars bar and a large glass of orange-juice  and Sex
- Marmite on toast. and Sex
- Lunch (these last two may be combined) and Sex
- Beer and nachos  and Sex
- "Beer before Wine, you'll feel just fine. Wine before Beer, you'll feel a bit queer" and Sex
- A tall glass of water, two aspirin, and a shit and Sex
- The Four S's - A Shit, A Shower, a Shave and a clean Shirt, in that order. And Sex (making it the Five S's remedy).
- Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music played at full volume through headphones and Sex
- Benedryl, Xanax, a liter of sparkling water, steak fajitas from Taco Cabana, and back to bed and Sex
- Coca-Cola, or Pepsi. (But not Mountain Dew, which will tickle yer innards and make you 5 times as nauseous as before). And Sex
- A cold shower, followed by a 6 mile run on the Appalachian Trail, followed by another cold shower. Followed by hiking the Appalachian trail
- Explosions (~50 megatons is appropriate, but anything is better than nothing). And if you survive, Sex
- Alka-Seltzer. Plop plop, fizz fizz. And Sex
- A concoction of berroca and aspirin tablets combined with a vodka red-bull and Sex
- Getting slapped in the face. Trust me, you'll feel much better in about a minute.
- Getting slapped in the face during Sex
- Skydiving. Better than Sex.
- Sounds like somebody got laid :)
- Sex while skydiving. Advanced users only.
- Opening your mouth wide and tickling the back of your throat with your fingers until you perform the legendary tac-yak. Experts and emetophiles may substitute fingers with something more substantial.
- Time This is the only one that really works.
- If it was Nov 5th, 2008 or Nov 7th 2012, that is.
- This should be passive on the part of the hangoveree as any sudden movement is likely to erase the mood
- They said alcohol was involved.
- No, we don't mean sex with Johnny Cash, but if you managed to have sex with Johnny Cash, please let us know the efficacy of such sex towards the hangover.
- i.e., more of the shit that made you feel like this in the first place!
- Genghis Khunt, patent pending
- this actually happened
- Yet to be tried, I'll get back to you on this one