Fun:Marvin E. Quasniki

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Marvin E. Quasniki is a candidate for the GOP primary in the 2012 U.S. Presidential Election. He is set to become America's first Muppet president.

Background[edit]

Quasniki is a turquoise farmer from Tonopah, Nevada.[1][2] He is "used to the rigours of toil and labour,"[1] and bills himself as a Washington outsider.[3]

Funding and public support[edit]

He is not believed to have major corporate backing, and is instead mostly funded and promoted by Californian firm Nerdist Industries. On the street he has received strong popular support even outside of his home state of Nevada.[4]

Citizenship[edit]

As a Muppet, Quasniki has no birth certificate. While this has not as yet been used to smear him it is believed to be a potential liability in future for his campaign. However, strategists are believed to be planning to counter such an accusation by pointing out that he is in fact made in the USA, doubly patriotic.

When asked during the Iowa caucuses whether he had a birth certificate he responded that it was "in the car."[5]

Platform[edit]

I want to restore America's standing in the world. When I'm president we're gonna at least get back in the top five. Maybe even make the playoffs this year.

—Marvin E. Quasniki, Official candidacy speech[1]

Quasniki claims that America is enduring a "crisis of bullshit." He intends to "cut through all that bullshit with some good old fashioned quick-fixes and oversimplified proposals."[1] Additionally, he wants to make the Oval Office "more circular"; he wants to go back to space; he wants to go "back to basics"; and he wants to "put rich people in jail" and give their money to everyone else. He is only running as a republican because they're "a bunch of clowns."[6]

He does not feel that he has been called to run for president by God - God is, apparently, "too busy" to tell people to run for president because he's "too busy making sure Jupiter doesn't explode."[1]

Media coverage[edit]

Michelle Bachmann: good eyes. And I know eyes.

—Marvin E. Quasniki, CNN's OutFront[6]

Due to running a much smaller campaign than most other Republican contenders he has had little media coverage. However, he has appeared on CNN's OutFront with Erin Burnett. Queried on his explicit language, he responded that he would "clean up his act" in this regard.[6]

When asked who he thought was the "biggest clown" in the republican race he replied that he didn't want to disparage anyone's personality, and complimented each candidate on their looks.

Debate showing[edit]

Hey. Where'd you guys wanna go after the debate? I was thinking we'd go to Steak 'n Shake, where'd you guys wanna go? Pizza maybe?

—Marvin E. Quasniki, Iowa Republican Debate, Drake University[3]

Quasniki has preformed well in republican debates, most notably at the Iowa debate at Drake University. Despite stumbling and stalling when asked about his distinguishing idea he soon rallied, criticising Rick Perry for his much-disliked gay bashing youtube ad[7] as "garbage."[3]

He also unveiled his "Go! Go! Go!" plan, inspired by Herman Cain's "9 9 9" plan. Additionally, his trial of "Believe! Believe! Believe!" as a catchphrase was met with applause.[3]

Iowa caucus[edit]

While claiming ignorance as to what a "caucus" is only days earlier,[8] Quasniki managed to make it to a supporters rally on the day.[9] His good fortune continued in the vote itself, beating former frontrunner Herman Cain by a significant margin.[10]

Footnotes[edit]