George H.W. Bush

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Official portrait. It only looks like a cardboard cutout in front of a backdrop.
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George H. W. "Mad Dog" Bush was the 41st President of the United States. He saved Kuwait for despotic monarchy and yellow ribbon manufacturers, although he admitted to lacking in the "vision" department.

Prior to his presidency, he was Ronald Reagan's vice-president for eight years, ran the CIA, and unlike his boy, was an actual pilot who was shot down by the Japanese and just barely escaped having his liver eaten. He later got them back by vomiting right in the Japanese PM's lap.

He got elected over second place finisher Michael Dukakis in 1988 by resorting to moral panics ("If Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered...") and attack ads ("Willie Horton"), in one of the nastiest one-sided presidential campaigns in recent history. Ironically Bush campaigned on a vague platform of making the U.S. a "kinder, gentler nation." American politics have never really recovered.

The Good[edit]

Probably the last Republican—apart from Pataki and other east coast politicos—to give a damn about stewardship of the earth.[1] (Cap and trade was his idea.) Reagan was such a supporter of the environment that he ripped down the solar panels Carter put on the White House roof.

During that ridiculous "Lizard vs. Wizard" runoff in '91, where David Duke (R) and Edwin Edwards (D) ended up getting the most votes in the jungle primary, Bush threw his hands in the air and endorsed Edwards.[2] Thus, unusually for a Republican president, Bush pretty much came out in favor of a Democratic candidate against a Republican.

The fact that a post-Saddam Iraq would lead to Iranian hegemony due to the Shi'a majority (after a nasty sectarian conflict that the American public would inevitably get sick of and demand withdrawal from) and mass revenge on the Sunnis, which in return might have triggered a response from the Sunnis, was among the reasons why Bush Senior refused to boot Saddam out of Baghdad (while sinking his own reelection prospects in doing so). So it's not as if no one knew uprooting Saddam was a bad idea.[3]

He recognized that Reagan's policies were unsustainable and would damage the nation's financial and economic standing, even before Reagan was even President. [4] When Vice-President he kept his mouth shut but after he became President, he did the one thing he had to in order to help the US: raise taxes.[5] This lost him votes with conservatives and won him no new votes. Which is unfortunate because it was a huge nail in the bipartisanship coffin and helped create the popularity of the anti-tax mentality.[6]

The "eeeeyhh"[edit]

Bush managed to respond to the winding down of the Cold War by getting the U.S. deeply embroiled in the Middle East quagmire from which the country has yet to get out over two decades later, angered his own conservative base by going back on his "no new taxes" pledge, and lasted only one term. Angry middle class Republican base voters more worried about their jobs going overseas while the Republican Party wanted to play culture wars flocked to Ross Perot in 1992 while Bill Clinton ran a very different campaign from Dukakis to win in 1992.

Things that happened during his administration[edit]

The Satanic panic peaked just around the time he was elected. Manuel Noriega, the unelected military strongman of Panama, was ousted by Bush after it became public knowledge that Noriega made drug deals with the US as part of the funding given to the Contras. Bush, as Director of the CIA, blocked investigations into Reagan's Noriega's shadiness. Bush forced him to stand trial, but not for murder, and instead for drug trafficking, money laundering, and (we aren't kidding) racketeering. As we just hinted, Noriega had been paid by the CIA to do the things he was accused and convicted of. Eventually, Noriega was tried for murder and convicted... by France.

During his time in government, the checkout scanner/UPC bar code system was widely implemented, but no one told him in an elaborate practical joke to make him look clueless while running for re-election in 1992 against the upstart hillbilly, Bill Clinton, who went on to win, using the slogan "It's ... stupid!"

The Cold War officially ended on his watch, and aside from his "Chicken Kiev" speech the USSR thankfully fell apart with all the nukes in their place. In 1991-1992, a economic recession occurred due to a spike in oil prices post-Gulf War, and the bursting of the Reagan-era housing bubble from the '80s, leading to three million people being unemployed. This gave Clinton the electoral advantage.

Bigotry[edit]

No, I don't know that atheists should be regarded as citizens, nor should they be regarded as patriotic. This is one nation under God...
—George Herbert Walker Bush[7]
His religious fanatic side often goes unnoticed. Among the many things abhorrent about this statement, as President, all people in your country who are, in fact, citizens, should be considered "citizens," not just those who agree with you theologically. However, the above quote has come into dispute, as the conversation was never recorded through video or audio.

A possible explanation to his disdain for atheists is a conflict with Madalyn Murray O'Hair, the chairlady of American Atheists' Association.

He was also the personal lapdog of Unification cult leader Sun Myung Moon, which would explain his odd religious leanings.[8]

He vetoed the Civil Rights Act of 1990 in order to preserve state's "rights" and prevent racial quotas; it was the only civil rights act to have ever been successfully vetoed.

Water baron[edit]

Perhaps thirsty from all these money-as-water metaphors, the Bush family purchased 100,000 acres in the Paraguayan Chaco, giving them access to the Guarani aquifer, one of the largest fresh water reserves in the world.[9]

Bad Company[edit]

Before his promotion to Bush 41, Poppy was involved in a laundry list of crimes that permanently blackened the Agency's reputation. As CIA honcho under Ford, he was put in charge of "Crisis Management" e.g. mopping up after the Agency's involvement in coup d'etats and assassinations, including the 'first' September 11 — the 1973 murder of Salvador Allende which plunged Chile into a 17-year fascist dictatorship[10][11] — and the Iran Contra affair. Over the next decade Langley spent over $3 billion establishing the Taliban, the Mujahadeen, and Osama bin Laden as CIA assets.[12][13] He may also be responsible with rigging the 1980 US Presidential election in an operation called the "October Surprise", though nothing was really proven.

War criminal blames other war criminals[edit]

The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.
—Dante Alighieri

Shortly after Bob Woodward's George Jr.'s Decision Points came out, George Sr. put out a memoir entitled 41. By all indications, it fundamentally denies the truth about the man and his life, however it does shed some light on his son's presidency. According to H.W., Cheney and Rumsfeld never had the respect for 43 that they had for 41. They just saw Dubya as a spoiled kid with a silver spoon and figured they could walk all over him. They were right. This would be scathing if he had expressed his opinion while those people had influence. Maybe Bush 45 will do better![14] (Bush 41, Bush 43. Makes it sound like they're from a production line.)

Nicknames[edit]

  • "Poppy"
  • "Snugglebutt"
  • "Sqeeckychums"
  • "41" (around the compound at holidays, to distinguish him from "43")
  • "Ticklebickle"
  • "Mad Dog", a nickname given to him by John Judge

Alma maters[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

References[edit]

Presidents of the United States
Washington (n/a) - J. Adams (Fed.) - Jefferson (Dem-Rep) - Madison (Dem-Rep) - Monroe (Dem-Rep) - J.Q. Adams (Dem-Rep) - Jackson (D) - Van Buren (D) - Harrison (Whig) - Tyler (Whig) - Polk (D) - Taylor (Whig) - Fillmore (Whig) - Pierce (D) - Buchanan (D) - Lincoln (R) - A. Johnson (D*) - Grant (R) - Hayes (R) - Garfield (R) - Arthur (R) - Cleveland (D) - Harrison (R) - Cleveland (D) again - McKinley (R) - T. Roosevelt (R) - Taft (R) - Wilson (D) - Harding (R) - Coolidge (R) - Hoover (R) - F.D. Roosevelt (D) - Truman (D) - Eisenhower (R) - Kennedy (D) - L.B. Johnson (D) - Nixon (R) - Ford (R) - Carter (D) - Reagan (R) - G.H.W. Bush (R) - Clinton (D) - G.W. Bush (R) - Obama (D) - Trump (R) (incumbent)
*Ran for VP on the "National Union" ticket together with Lincoln but was otherwise a lifelong Democrat