Biofield flower therapy

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Not to be confused with Bach flower remedies, which are silly, but not as silly as this.
Against allopathy
Alternative medicine
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Clinically unproven
Woo-meisters
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Biofield flower therapy[note 1] is based on homeopathy, but is actually dumber.[note 2] It was supposedly first perpetrated by a "late Professor Dr Helmut Meyl" (yes, that's "professor doctor") from "the Institute of Biophysical Naturopathic Programming" (obviously the cutting edge in science) allegedly based in Düsseldorf, Germany.[1] There isn't shred of corroborating evidence avaliable on the web even for the existence of any "Prof Dr Meyl" (living or dead), nor of the "institute" in question.

The riddle regarding this particular wonder of medicine was eventually solved, however.

Theory[edit]

The therapy seeks to use "vibrational patterns"[note 3] claimed to be inherent within flowering plants to restore "biological information transfer" within human systems. The theory is based on the quack suggestion[note 4] that scalar waves[note 5] within cells can suffer quantum interference from toxins.[2] The practitioner maps the human "biofield"[note 6] and matches the frequency of vibration in this "biofield", correcting irregularities in it via application of a suitable woo combination of "biofield flower remedies".[3]

D.I.Y. cure for cancer[edit]

To prepare the remedies:

  1. Harvest the plants[note 7] at night, so that their vibrations[note 3] are not exaggerated by "thermal electromagnetic disturbances".[note 6]
  2. Soak the petals in schnapps for six months.
  3. Strain the schnapps through silk.
  4. Swallow the schnapps[note 8] whilst holding a vial of distilled water.[note 9] This only works for a trained practitioner!
  5. Drip the water onto lactose pills, which the patient then consumes.

Alternately, the practitioner may put one drop of the schnapps under the patient's tongue and one on their brow.[note 10]

Practitioners hold that "biophotons"[4] are captured by the sugar pills, and might[note 11] transmit the "essential photonic vibrational[note 3] patterns[note 6] to the light-emitting DNA receptors[note 12] in damaged cells.

At this point, you have filled every square on your alternative medicine bingo card. Congratulations.

Effectiveness[edit]

Researches into the effectiveness of biofield flower therapy are allegedly "in their infancy",[1] even by alternative medicine standards, though the method must be considered remarkably effective in allowing the good Professor Dr Meyl to administer himself additional schnapps.

Actual source[edit]

“”Here is something I made up and wrote for the Wiki 4 CAM website many years ago. In all that time, no one has spotted it was a load of made up guff.
—Andy Lewis[5]

Turns out it was all a parody of alt-med, written by sceptic Andy Lewis,[6] under the "pen name" of his project The Quackometer. This humorous nonsense was posted by him to the pseudoscience site Wiki4Cam in 2008,[5] under the name of "Dr Pankaj Chalwa, Certified Biofield Flower Therapy Practitioner Reg No. 1004563 Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala, India".[7] Nobody picked up on it as the parody it was… including the RationalWiki editors. Dagnabbit.

Notes[edit]

  1. ↑ Not "Blofeld," though that would be much cooler.
  2. ↑ Yes, you read that correctly.
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 What is vibrating is not made clear.
  4. ↑ Evidently an obscure definition of the word that you were previously unaware of.
  5. ↑ "Scalar wave" is the new "quantum".
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 Whatever that actually means.
  7. ↑ Naturally growing, of course. That is to say – no plastic office ferns.
  8. ↑ Now we're talking!
  9. ↑ You read that right. Just holding, in your hand. Yep. Go back and read it again.
  10. ↑ What is this I don't even
  11. ↑ I say "might."
  12. ↑ A sensory receptor hitherto unknown to human anatomy, let alone biology.

References[edit]

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Biofield Flower Therapyimg (wiki4cam).
  2. ↑ Jana Dixon 2006. "Time." Biology of Kundalini.
  3. ↑ Speakers (Quantum Energy Medicine Conference, 2008)
  4. ↑ Bischof, Marco 1995. Biophotonen: Das Licht in unseren Zellen. English summary. There is actually such a thing as a biophoton, but its magical powers are another matter. The Wikipedia article is such a woo-riddled disaster that even the skeptics threw their hands up and abandoned it with a groan.
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 The Quackometer. Facebook. Archived from the original on April 14, 2015.
  6. ↑ Lewis, Andy. About. The Quackometer.
  7. ↑ User:Pankajimg; contributionsimg
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