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Essay:Types of conservatives

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At Conservapedia, and elsewhere, there are various forms of conservative, and it can be helpful to tell them apart. If you should ever desire to try your hand at some parody over in Andyland, you may want to specialize in one of the following. Most conservatives have traits of several or all of these, but there is almost always a hierarchy in where these stand in their ideology.

  • Basic Christian- This is just about everybody at Conservapedia, though they occasionally have token Jews to help counter the idea that they hate all non-Christians (even if they do think they are hell-bound). There isn't much more to this than believing in the Bible, but not really giving it all that much critical thought.
    • Friends:
      • Mel Gibson
      • Whoever writes those ‘’Chicken Soup for the Soul’’ books
    • Enemies:
      • Atheists
      • Muslims
      • Planned Parenthood
      • J.K. Rowling
  • YEC Scientist- While many Christians believe in a young Earth, most have given it little thought, and can simultaneously believe that the Earth was created in 7 days not so long ago, and that cavemen are not hoaxes perpetrated by liberals and atheists. The fact that different polls will yield very different answers depending on how the question is phrased shows most people haven't given any real thought to the contradictions between science and religion, let alone resolved them in their heads. Then there are those who have thought about this. A lot. While 99% of the population has probably never even heard of the starlight problem, these folks have all sorts of crazy explanations for it. They have looked at matters of geology, paleontology, astronomy, and other fields, and not only believe that it doesn't disprove a young Earth, it is actually evidence for one. The classic example of this type is Philip J. Rayment.
  • Culture warrior- These folks look at everything from the point of view of liberals are out to ruin our society because they hate America and want to destroy it's traditions.
  • America Firster- This type of conservative's views are shaped by a sort jingoistic patriotism that should have died out with the fall of Rome. America can do no wrong, and has never made an error in foreign relations (except perhaps, not nuking Hanoi). While most types of other conservatives can be found elsewhere in the world, these are basically exclusive to the United States.
    • Friends:
      • Anyone with an American flag on their porch, car, and jet-ski
    • Enemies:
      • Anyone who doesn’t stand up for the national anthem
      • The Dixie Chicks
      • The French
  • Homophobe- Much like the culture warrior, only this is more of a one trick pony. This type has decided that homosexuality and growing acceptance of it is the #1 issue in the world today. Everything else is second string, and likely the result of God turning his back on us for not burning the gays. Kendoll and Ed Poor are good examples, but they have too many other pet issues to be the defining ones.
    • Friends:
      • Pat Robertson
    • Enemies:
      • Rainbow Coalition
      • Ellen DeGeneres
    • Frenemies:
      • Fred Phelps
  • Islamophobe- While these folks have been around for a while, 9/11 was obviously their call to arms. Anything Islamic, or Arabic (the two are synonyms in their mind), is to be treated with scorn, as it is part of an effort to destroy America and install sharia law. This fear and hatred often extends to Sikhs and Hindus as well, as they are not able to tell the difference. Your typical Islamophobe will likely refer to falafel as "terrorist food".
  • Fiscal conservative - The fiscal conservative cares much more about where his tax dollars are going than what the queers are doing to the soil[1]. To them, their money is theirs, they earned it and they have as much right to it as if it were a silver dollar they personally mined, smelted, and coined, and they'll be damned if the government is going to spend it on anything other than some roads, some cops, and a border fence. They are in many ways very close to the libertarians. Keep in mind that at Conservapedia, Andy considers libertarians to be just another form of liberal.
    • Friends:
      • Any organization with the word “taxpayer” in it
    • Enemies:
      • Welfare
      • Medicare
      • Medicaid
      • Social Security
      • Labor unions
      • Subsidies
      • Any government that they can’t drown in a bathtub
  • Gun nut- The gun nut believes that the Bill of Rights begins and ends with the 2nd amendment. They think things like trigger locks and bans on the sale of armor piercing bullets are an attempt by the government to seize every gun in the country, after which a Commie-Nazi dictatorship will be installed. The cocked and loaded .45 revolver under their pillow is the one and only thing keeping totalitarianism at bay, therefore no other issues matter much. They are also very pro-military, apparently unaware that should the dictatorship they fear ever emerge it will be propped up by the military, as they tend to be. (Nor would their shotguns and hunting rifles be of much use against one of the largest and most sophisticated armies on the planet, but no matter.)
    • Friends:
      • NRA
    • Foes:
      • Center to Prevent Handgun Violence
      • The Federal Government
      • Anyone who isn't armed to the teeth
  • Red Scare nostalgist- These people are rarer today than they used to be, as communism obviously isn't seen as the threat it was 60 years ago. Nevertheless, there are still people out there who think they are fighting the Cold War. Though he hasn't been heard from much for 50-odd years, this type won't shut the fuck up about Alger Hiss. Rob Smith is the textbook example.
  • Paleocon- Related to fiscal conservatives, these guys are basically extinct these days, but if you want to know where they stand, just read ‘’The Conscience of a Conservative’’ by Barry Goldwater.
    • Friends:
      • Precious few left these days
    • Enemies:
      • Paleoliberals

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Any Dead Milkmen fans out there?....no?.....none?....meh, me neither.