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John Ashcroft

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Calico cat is spying on you.
"Let the mighty eagle so-o-o-ar!.
— John Ashcroft, with a nice strong well-structured vibrato.
God, guns, and freedom
U.S. Politics
Icon politics USA.svg
Starting arguments over Thanksgiving dinner
Persons of interest

John Ashcroft (1942–) was a United States politician from Missouri who famously lost his seat in the US Senate to a dead guy[1] before being appointed Attorney General by George W. Bush. He also famously went after Martha Stewart and has an honorary degree from Bob Jones University.

He had a thing for calico cats. That would be an extreme paranoia of them, based on his belief that calico cats are Satan's minions.[2]

He is a Pentecostal Christian, ordering the covering of a statue's breasts and removing the word "Pride" from all Justice Department documents due to its status as a sin. Most notoriously, Ashcroft helped facilitate the extrajudicial reasonings conducted by the Bush administration over their police state measures during the War on Terror.[3] Sadly, it turned out that this insanely conservative and ultra-religious man was far too decent for the Bush administration. Apparently, Alberto Gonzales attempted to get him to sign off on warrantless wiretapping while drugged up after surgery (knowing he wouldn't sign off on it any other time). Still, he refused, saying he was in no condition to sign anything and forcing them to deal with his skeptical assistant.

Ashcroft has opposed voting rights or civil rights.[4] He has also given an interview with the neo-Confederate magazine Southern Progress, in which he supported the Lost Cause of the South narrative.[5] Welch advised them to book rooms in separate hotels and to and tell no one of their real reasons for traveling.[6]:248-249


  1. "In the end he ran for Senate re-election, but lost his seat to a dead man"
  2. Ok, so he formally denies it, but Vanity Fair holds by their article
  4. John Ashcroft: the Controversial Issues (January 6, 2006) ABC News.
  5. The ugly truth about Republican racial politics: The GOP needs to do a lot more than rebuke Trent Lott to make up for its legacy of pandering to white bigots and suppressing the black vote. by Joan Walsh (December 14, 2002 8:50PM EST) Salon.
  6. Birchers: How the John Birch Society Radicalized the American Right by Matthew Dallek (2023) Basic Books. ISBN 1541673565.