Fun:Ted Stevens

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A series of tubes
And again, the Internet is not something that you just dump something on; it's not a big truck. It's, it's a series of tubes!
—Ted Stevens

Ted Stevens (1923–2010) was a Republican member of the U.S. Senate from Alaska who lost his seat after being convicted and afterward exonerated of corruption charges.[1] Ironically, this was due to prosecutorial misconduct. He also went on the record as being pro-torture, and threatened to campaign against any Senator who voted against his "Bridge to Nowhere."

Close encounters over China[edit]

Since I was a pilot in World War II, I’ve been tremendously curious, concerned about stuff that we don’t know anything about.
—Ted Stevens expressing concern about stuff he doesn’t know anything about (which in his case was presumably quite a lot).[2]

Serving as a pilot in the Army’s air force during World War II, Stevens flew transport missions over China and recounts being tailed for miles by a strange aircraft with no known origin.[3]

I was in my airplane alone and off to my left was an object. I could see it. It was so close to me. I would veer up, down, sideways. Wherever I went, it was there. I was starting to get low on fuel, went and landed, and went to the air-traffic controller. I said, ‘Was there anybody up in the air with me?’ The guy said, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ — Ted Stevens.[2]

Stevens didn't report his encounter for fear of looking like a goofball, a fear he seemingly never suffered from again.

A series of tubes[edit]

On June 28, 2006, the Senate Commerce Committee heard an impassioned 11-minute speech in opposition to net neutrality from Stevens in which he famously asserted that the Internet was "a series of tubes" and "not a big truck", along with other laughably obtuse statements.

These statements were picked up by the late night talk shows and went viral, clogging up all the Internet tubes he had sort to protect from the horrors of open access.

Skinwalkers at the Pentagon[edit]

I’ve heard enough.
—Ted Stevens pre-emptively agreeing to waste $22 million of taxpayers’ money.[2]

In 2007, while in joint control of the Defense Appropriations Subcommittee, Stevens was intrumental in helping Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid secure $22 million of black money for his old friend and campaign donor Robert Bigelow (1944–) to hunt UFOs, ghosts, and werewolves on Skinwalker Ranch in Utah in a program euphemistically called the Advanced Aerospace Weapon Systems Applications Program (AAWSAP).[3][4][5] Reid would later describe it as "the easiest meeting I ever had."[3][2]

Not a big truck[edit]

Stevens was killed in a plane crash on August 10, 2010 en route to a private fishing lodge, when that UFO presumably came back for revenge.[6]