Anthony Weiner

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Weiner firmly grasping a giant, gay flag.
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Anthony David Weiner, a.k.a. Carlos Danger and T-Dog[1] is a former Representative from New York. He was noteworthy for being one of the few Democrats with a spine, which was on full display on the Congressional floor. His shouting matches with Republicans (and with obnoxious Fox News hosts) became legendary.

Ah, good ol' Weiner, the man who doesn't know that anyone can see the dick pics you post on Twitter. Back in '08, he was probably the most vocal Democratic congressman in favor of the public option. The scandal(s) hit him especially hard because his wife was pregnant at the time. Sucks because other than his sexting habits, he appeared to be a strong candidate. Weiner was let out on parole in 2019, and later registered as a sex-offender.[2] Also, we get the feeling that he's not going to be allowed near any communications tool.[note 1]

Hillary might have been able to squeak a victory if not for this guy. He was rated a 1 (most loyal) on the spreadsheet, what are you gonna do?

Political puberty[edit]

A protege of Senator from Wall Street New York, Chuck Schumer, Weiner launched his own career in politics by running for New York City Council. He won the Democratic primary in a district in Brooklyn by exploiting the anti-African-American sentiment of the early 1990's. Yes, you're reading that correctly: Weiner played the reverse racism card in a borough with a third of the population being African-American and won both the primary and the election. It is not clear whether Weiner's campaign was the inspiration for the opening Harlem scene from the movie Die Hard With a Vengeance.

Safe to say that the definition of the term giant balls in the dictionary should be amended with these photos of Congressman Weiner.

Testicular size[edit]

During the health care reform debate of 2009-2010 he called a spade a spade: "Every single Republican I have ever met in my entire life is a wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry."[3]

By the time a bill for providing 9/11 first responders with access to adequate medical treatment came to a vote, Republicans tried to shoot it down on procedural grounds in order to deny President Barack Obama another legislative accomplishment; Republicans cared less about the victims of 9/11 than taunting Democrats. Anthony Weiner would have none of it and put the House Republicans in their place with this legendary rant. Impressed by that display of sheer ballsiness Jon Stewart reminded television audiences that they can remind their Representatives that playing political games with the health care needs of actual American heroes is kind of a dick move by the party that made a PR-fetish out of 9/11. The bill passed and Republicans learned once again that a Weiner ain't nuthin to fuck wit.[4]

Weiner also held the Congressional record of raking in the least pork into his district from the 2009 stimulus bills.[5]

Premature ejection[edit]

Whenever a ballsy liberal politician gains some traction on the national stage, he has to let his weiner spoil everything. Since Eliot Spitzer already took the coke and hookers stunt, Weiner decided it was a good idea to take semi-nude pictures of himself and send them to talkative women via his public Twitter account in 2011.

Conservative rumour-monger Andrew Breitbart took the opportunity to have a true scoop for a change and intimidated the Pussy Caucus into pressuring Weiner to resign.

One may wonder why the Democrats were so afraid of sexts and nude pics, but one should never forget:

  1. They're Democrats
  2. The sight of a fellow Democrat with giant balls could embarrass the other Democrats to the point that they would have to fight for the ideals of their party for a change

On the other hand, the world got to know that the big-mouth from Brooklyn had more to him than meets the eye. While some politicians merely claim to be a "small d democrat", Weiner chose to affirm this by providing unsolicited digital evidence.

Time to discredit the whole family![edit]

Weiner was married to Huma Abedin, deputy Chief of Staff and aide to then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who became the focus of a witchhunt by wingnuts such as Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, and Frank Gaffney in 2012 for presumed familial links to the Muslim Brotherhood. Because being the wife of one of the most pro-Israeli politicians out there = allied with radical Muslims.

External links[edit]


  1. Hehe, tool.