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“”I’m still looking at the site, but at some point I fully expect him to claim he invented hydrogen.
The Kadir-Buxton Method
The Kadir-Buxton Method is the crown jewel in Kadir-Buxton's panoply of craziness. He touts it as the cure for a wide variety of psychological and neurological disorders, particularly manic-depression, eating disorders, comas, Alzheimer's disease, migraine headaches and post-traumatic stress disorder. Additionally, he claims that proper use of the method can be used to delete memories or unwanted character traits.
We'll let the inventor describe it:
“”The Kadir-Buxton Method is done by making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time and pressure with the soft part of the inner hand which is where the thumb joins the hand.
In other words, the key to good mental health is two good blows to the sides of the head. However, don't confuse this with a punch:
“”With the Kadir-Buxton Method, a patient standing on one leg whilst holding a rose would still be standing on one leg and holding a rose when they were cured. With a punch, the patient would be lying prone on the floor, and could well have dropped the rose.
Of course, having access to a magic brain-erasing blow doesn't mean much if no one ever uses it. So, in September 2009, he started a Prime Minister's Petition to convince the NHS to adopt the method. He managed to garner 47 signatures from such luminaries as Loony McBin, William p. Tossnuts, D.Lusional and the bass player from The Levellers.
Other medical achievements
His website includes instructions to perform the following feats of medical derring-do:
- Reaching through the cervix into the Fallopian tubes to remove ball bearings, pen-tops and lemonade accidentally inserted therein by over-imaginative lesbians at universities.
- Aiding in a difficult childbirth by clapping his hands inside the woman's vagina (with the possible side-effect of increasing the infant's intelligence).
- Causing a woman to ovulate instantly, even after menopause, with massage.
- Causing a woman to menstruate instantly, thus preventing unwanted pregnancies, by scratching her during sex.
- Deleting unwanted memories or personality traits.
- Reseting a dislocated bone with almost no pain.
- Causing instant orgasms, either by punching someone in the neck, sticking a hand through the cervix into their uterus, stroking them on the nose, or just having them clench very hard. This has applications for curing migraines, preventing muggings, stopping HIV, making childbirth painless, alleviating menstrual cramps.
- He can also find any woman's G-spot with nothing but a speculum, helpfully informing us that women have four of them, and they look like diseased tissue.
- Reviving a person whose heart has stopped for twenty minutes or more by stamping on them.
- Inventing 'Michael Foot,' "the HIV Destroying Machine which prolongs the life of sufferers".
- Prolonging life expectancy by feeding people breastmilk - he claims to have performed this on the Queen Mother.
Most of these techniques involve punching or kicking the "patient" with great force. Presumably, these procedures are more satisfying for Kadir-Buxton than the recipients.
Lest you think that Kadir-Buxton's innovations are all medical, he has also claimed the following scientific and technological breakthroughs:
- Geothermal power
- Safety protocols for miners
- Economic techniques to lower unemployment without raising inflation
- Oil-destroying bacteria
- Dual tariff electricity meters, for which Edward Heath tried to kill him
- Bottle banks
He also saved the Canadian Caribou and 'Dodo Tree' from extinction, by vigorously clapping at any approaching predators.
He also takes credit for the following:
- The arrest of forty paedophilic Catholic priests
- The START treaties
- The democratization of eastern Europe
- The referendums on Northern Ireland
- Various and sundry Labour Party campaigns dating back to 1987
- America, Britain and Russia not nuking each other
- spEak You're bRanes, where Kadir-Buxton is a long time favourite.
- The one, the only "Red Rose Andy" Kadir-Buxton (featuring the Kadir-Buxton Method!)
- Andrew Kadir-Buxton Appreciation Society (Facebook page)
- RedRoseAndy (Guardian forums)
- (Blog post about Andy)