Paul LePage

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L'état? C'est moi!
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These are guys with the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty – these types of guys – they come from Connecticut and New York, they come up here, they sell their heroin, they go back home. Incidentally, half the time they impregnate a young white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue we have to deal with down the road.”
George Wallace, 1962 Paul LePage, 2016.[1]

Paul LePrick LePage is the inexplicably red (not that kind of red) former governor of an otherwise blue-leaning state: Maine. And he's been elected twice: once in 2010 and again in 2014, due to vote-splitting between his Democratic opponents and independent Elliot Cutler. What the hell, Maine? At least Maine has 2 term limits for governors...

LePage is your typical Republican with Teabagger sympathies, and has positions reflecting this precisely. He is staunchly opposed to abortion, committing the emotional appeal of referring to the practice as "killing babies".[2]

Tranny panic[edit]

LePage is real concerned that D-Money, Smoothie, and Shifty will dress up as women, sneak into the bathroom, and impregnate and sell heroin to your white daughter. Of course, he has "no personal opinion", but would veto a potential same-sex marriage bill if it came to him. But he has gay friends, so it's all good![3] His more foaming hatred, however, is directed at transsexual and transgender people. He is against allowing them to even get an education, spewing out this gem: "[I do not understand] how people, at least sane people, would want to allow transgender in our primary schools and our high schools."[4] Real nice. He also hired his daughter as assistant to his chief of staff. Family values in action!

Teabagged on taxes[edit]

As far as economic issues go, LePage really doesn't like taxes all that much. He is in favour of abolishing Maine's income tax,[5] and referred to the Internal Revenue Service as "the new Gestapo". That last remark caused quite the uproar in the saner community. Nevertheless, he rationalized it by claiming that the Gestapo "killed a lot of people" and that the IRS would too, with ObamaCare at its side. Speaking of ObamaCare, it doesn't take much imagination to guess what LePage's opinions on it are. Yeah, it's evidently pretty evil. In fact, it'll make the United States more akin to the much more widely loved Soviet Canuckistan![6] God forbid!

Stupid trees[edit]

Environmentally, LePage is simply atrocious. He thinks that 3 million acres of Maine wildlife habitat would be better off in the hands of industrialized humans, recycling is too much of a burden on manufacturers to be trifled with, and that monitoring potentially hazardous chemicals that could be disseminated to the general public isn't worth the government's time.[7] Also, while not a full-on global warming denialist, he is under the impression that it might not be as bad as the libruls are making it out to be. But for the most backwards reason ever. What the man exactly said is that since all that ice in the Northern Passage is melting, we now have room to stick an oil pipeline in there![8] All so we can exacerbate climate change even more in the long run! Great plan, Pauly!

Fortunately, he does favor some renewable energy... specifically hydro power. Less fortunately, Maine doesn't have too many ideal spots for a hydro plant. He seems to think that having companies buy back electricity that home solar panels produce at the prices they would otherwise charge you is somehow forcing everyone else to subsidize them.[9]

Damn Hippie Reporters[edit]

I just love to sit in my office and make up ways so they’ll write these stupid stories because they are just so stupid —Paul LePage

In a surprise to absolutely no one, LePage has a deep hatred of the press.[10] He has openly admitted that he lies to the press in order to see just how much he can get away with, because according to him, if he tells the truth he gets hammered. Back in the good ol' days, as he remembers them, reporters would fact check anything someone said, versus today where they don't... in spite of reporters losing their jobs over mistakes thanks to the internet.[11] But hey, we all know facts have a liberal bias.

The Down-East Shall Rise Again![edit]

Apparently forgetting which side of the civil war Maine fought on, Marine Paul LePage blamed "both sides" for the violence that erupted when thousands of Nazis and Neo-Confederates showed up to try and "protect their heritage" in Charlotte, VA.[12] He views removing statues dedicated to glorifying slavery as the same as "erasing history", or removing the 9/11 memorial. He has previously stated that the NAACP can "kiss his butt".

Start of Darkness[edit]

So what was his villain origin story? It's actually a bit bizarre, given where he is now.

His parents were French-Canadians, which are like regular Canadians but more French, and in his case spoke only French at home. He was born the first of 18 kids, because apparently there is no French word for "condom". His alcoholic father used to beat him senseless, until he ran away at age 11, where he spent the next couple of years homeless, living in horse stables and a strip club, but eventually became a child laborer. He was initially rejected from college because he barely spoke English, but got in when they let him take the entry exams in French. From there, he got a MBA and became fairly successful in a paper mill.[13]

Whereas you might expect someone like LePage to be a bit more sympathetic to the poor and homeless, instead this made him a bit hostile towards them. After all, he was one of the rare few to escape the situation he was in, so why shouldn't every child be forced to work in the paper mills instead of getting a high school education?