Fun:Conservative parables

Conservative parables are stories that illustrate a conservative insight. The stories may or may not have actually occurred, and are certainly absurd. (Rhyming = truth).

The Desperate Smoker

A smoker was in a drug store to purchase a pack of cigarettes. Short on cash, he went to the cheapest cigarette store he could find and emptied all his pockets in order to scrounge up with every last penny he had. The cashier counted all the change and but found it was ten cents short of the total required for the cheapest pack of cigarettes.

The smoker desperately turned to the man standing behind him and asked him for a dime. The bystander clearly had a spare dime.

Should the bystander give the smoker a dime so he can purchase the pack of cigarettes?

The bystander, who is generous by nature, complied, giving the smoker a quick fix.

The smoker then left the store and died of lung cancer 15 years later. By that point, he had killed several prominent Universal Health Care lobbyists through second hand smoke, preventing the loss of America to socialized medicine. And Al Gore.

This parable actually happened.

The Fasting Woman

A women had been fasting for several days, and was quite weak. It was Sunday morning, and she wondered whether she had enough strength to attend church. It would have been easy to justify not going, as she had already shown her love and devotion to God that week. But she decided to attend the services anyway. Without eating any breakfast, she prepared herself for the late morning service. She got dressed, gathered her purse and belongings, and drove off to the church.

The church was filled for the late-morning service, with many hundreds of worshipers. The woman sat near the back and watched the pews fill up with members of the community, young and old. The service was about to begin. The woman then heard an unusual commotion outside, including several loud noises and shouts. She turned around several times to look at the door to the church. Her intuition told her something was wrong.

Suddenly, a large man burst through the door and began shooting at the hundreds of worshipers, children and all. The woman mustered all her strength and pulled out her gun from bag. She then shot at the intruder. Naturally, she missed, and aggravated the man, who promptly shot and killed her. However, as she was a good Christian, she was resurrected along with Ronald Reagan. They tag teamed the attacker, who was imprisoned for 20 years, and she won the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Also, Reagan got two more terms.

This parable actually happened.

The Lost $40

One day a teenager received $40 from his father. The teenager, being a responsible person, invested his $40 in low-volatility stocks. Due to investors making enormous profits moving around imaginary money and a housing market collapse, the teenager lost his $40.

He then spent dozens of hours agonizing over the lost $40, obsessed with having lost it. It bothered him for weeks, even months. He still remembered it years later.

One day he realized that, based on the prevailing wage for teenagers of $8 per hour, that $40 was worth no more than about 6 hours of his time (after taxes). If he had simply worked rather than worry, he would have quickly "found" the $40 and padded the pockets of the exceedingly wealthy.

This parable actually happened.

The Flop

A skinny young man having limited athletic ability had a determination to do his very best and win. He picked the high jump event, but could only clear about 5'3", nowhere near what was needed to win any competitions. But he worked tirelessly, trying all known techniques for jumping over a bar. Still, he could not improve to where he could win.

Yet he did not give up, and harnessed his competitive spirit to invent a revolutionary style of jumping back-first over the bar. Though lacking in athletic gifts of his competitors, the young man improved his jumping ability by a foot and more. He began to win.

His peculiar style attracted mockery and name-calling, as people derided his technique as the "flop". But that did not faze him, and he continued to jump in the direction opposite to all his competitors. Despite winning the national college high jump event, experts still considered his success to be a fluke and his approach to be a joke.

When it came time for the Olympics no one considered the young man to have a chance, and more athletic competitors were favorites to win the high jump event. The whole world was riveted to the television screen as the young man flawlessly cleared every height as the bar was raised again and again. When the bar was finally raised to an Olympic record height of 7'4-1/4", the young man, who was Chinese, failed miserably to clear the bar. The Gold went to a remarkably handsome American, a hero of the free world.

This parable actually happened.

The Difficult Science Problem

Physics 401 was the most difficult course in the entire college, having problem sets that would take many hours to complete each week. The students often worked on the homework together, as allowed and even encouraged by the professor. Students were also able to consult books and online resources in solving problems.

As the course progressed, the problems became increasingly difficult and complex. Some students were better than others at solving the problems. Reputations developed about which students had answers, and which ones did not.

Near the end of the course, the teacher assigned a particularly difficult problem to the class. The night before it was due, the students gathered as they had been throughout the course, and worked as hard as they could to find the answer. One student who had a reputation for not being as smart claimed he had the answer, and started to explain it to the others. But the smarter students quickly rejected his approach to the problem and told him to be quiet. Despite trying several times to describe his answer, he was ignored.

The next day the students handed in their homeworks, and the following week the professor returned their graded papers. He said that all but one student had answered the difficult problem correctly. That student was the one who had tried to explain it to the others, but they would not listen.

The student without the correct answer had rambled something about relativity being false and atheistic. It was a real mess. Years later, he graduated from Harvard Law School somehow.

This parable actually happened.

The Wall

The leader of a nation traveled to a distant land, and planned to deliver a speech there. This leader was not known for having great intelligence, and in fact was often ridiculed within his own country. He wondered what he should say in the foreign country while he was there.

For decades, there had been a massive wall in this foreign land which denied its inhabitants the freedom to travel and visit relatives, or simply move to places having greater opportunity. Inhabitants who tried to surmount the wall were shot and killed. Inside the wall the system of communism was imposed; outside the wall capitalism and freedom existed.

The leader began to focus on the wall in connection with his planned speech, and proposed uttering the bold command, "tear down this wall."

But his top advisers, who were very experienced in politics and foreign policy, were adamantly against such a bold statement. They insisted on removing it from the speech. As each draft circulated these experts took the phrase out, but each time the leader inserted this phrase back in. The experts felt the phrase made the leader look foolish and hopelessly naive, and could not possibly have the intended effect. The experts were sure it would subject their leader to even more ridicule than he already endured.

But the leader did not care about the potential for ridicule, and he wanted to say what he felt was best for his audience. He ignored his experts and delivered the bold command as part of his speech.

The leader's advisers were horrified when they heard the words delivered in the actual speech. They braced for a backlash and criticism.

Two years later, the Soviet Union collapsed on its own corruption and economic stagnation, and the people tore the wall down of their own accord. But the leader took credit for the victory, and his followers painted any dissenting opinion as historical revisionism. Also, he was resurrected for two more terms as president (see the Fasting Woman story).

This parable actually happened.

Welfare

So, I was talking to this little girl Catherine, the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us — and I asked Catherine — "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

Catherine replied — "I would give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow — what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard and I will pay you $5. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 to use for a new house."

Catherine thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, "why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay him the $5?"

And I said, "Ever notice how he talks to people who aren't there and hears imaginary gunfire? He has severe mental and psychological problems. I'm sure as hell not letting him in my backyard. God knows what he'd do with dog poop. Something nasty, no doubt."

This parable actually happened.

The University Assignment

A young student studying his first Politics assignment picked to answer the question — "Have we reached the end of political ideology?" The young student, as this was his first paper, studied hard and long to argue that there has been a rise in conservative thought in recent years as a response to growing globalization and encroaching liberalism. The lecturer gave the paper low marks despite solid referencing of WorldNetDaily and an extensive bibliography. The young student felt slighted by this as he had put in many hours work. Instead of bowing down and re-writing the assignment according to his lecturer's standards, the student petitioned the head of department to have his paper and final mark reviewed and also got several others wingnuts to back him. In the end the student's D grade was upheld, and he left school cursing the liberal academic establishment. Eighteen years later, he was made head of Fox News.

This parable actually happened.

The Conservative Conference

A conservative conference was scheduled for Sept. 25, 2001, expecting most attendees to travel by air. Unfortunately, on Sept. 11, 2001 there was the 9/11 terrorist hijacking of airplanes and a national crisis resulting in the grounding of airplanes for a week and widespread panic.

As a result, most conferences were canceled, and the few that were held were poorly attended. Airplanes flew nearly empty for weeks once they were allowed to fly at all.

Though he expected few others to attend, one conservative rejected the objections of his family and flew out to the conference. He saw only two other passengers on his 140-seat airplane. He checked into the hotel and felt that at least he could cheer up the conference organizers when no one else showed up.

Naturally, no one showed up, since they were about as likely to risk their skins flying to a conference as risk their skins fighting in a Middle-Eastern war. The man ate lots of free food and belittled a gay man at the hotel bar.

This parable actually happened.

The Drowning Man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore. The liberal runs to get some rope but the conservative gets in his way and stops him. "It would cost too much in taxes to give everyone rope," the conservative said. When the liberal tried to argue that the conservative had lost his shit, the conservative accused the liberal of having been born in Kenya and started screaming something about death panels. Meanwhile the man drowned.

This parable actually happened.

Moral: A man's life is said to be worth 100 lbs of Gold, but not a penny of American Taxes.

The Drowning Man - Version 2

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore. The liberal throws him a 100-foot rope and shouts to the victim, "Grab on!" The conservative loads his rifle and shoots the man.

This parable actually happened.

The Little Red Hen, The Equally Irrelevant Version

Once upon a time there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. She called her neighbors and said 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
"This sounds wonderful, I will!" said the cow.
"I find this to be a great idea," said the duck.
"Well, I really have nothing better to do." said the pig.
"I do need my exercise, I've been so lazy lately" said the goose.
"Wonderful! Let us get to work!" said the little red hen. And they did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Well, I can't see you do it all yourself!" said the duck.
"I plan on eating it, so I ought to help reap it," said the pig.
"I'm a little sluggish after sleeping late, but I'm sure I'll wake up if I get moving," said the cow.
"I have an appointment in a bit, so I'll have to work extra hard with the time I have" said the goose.
"Wonderful! Let us get to work!" said the little red hen, and they did.
At last the time came to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake bread?" asked the little red hen.
"I'm not so good with ovens, hooves and all, but I can kneed the dough" said the cow.
"My time in home ec might lend some help," said the duck.
"I'm a bit chilly, some time around a hot oven sounds nice," said the pig.
"I'm exhausted from my spin class, but the least I can do is watch the time and the bread rise" said the goose.
"Hooray! Let's get at it!" said the little red hen.
The five loaves finished baking and the little red hen held them up for the neighbors to see.
They all wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves myself."
"What?! After all we did to help!?" cried the cow.
"That is madness! All you did was find the grain and make us do all the work!" screamed the duck.
"You used us!" yelled the goose.
And the pig just grunted, suspecting all along that little red hen was using the barnyard animals for her own purposes since she completely lacked the necessary appendages to reap grain or bake the bread. The fact that the other animals lacked as well somehow isn't an issue.
The other animals counted their losses as they had to bring over the yeast to leaven the bread, the water that little red hen mysteriously forgot to fetch and their own baking pans. Deciding a little bit of bread wasn't worth the trouble of taking the little red hen to court and realizing they could do all this work themselves they bought some grain and went about making bread themselves.
Now that the pig, goose, duck and cow had their own fresh baked bread to dine on, they had a party and little red hen came to see what was going on. She was heartbroken to realize she was not invited to the party knowing full well why.
The other animals saw her watching and invited her to join them.
"It's just bread, we're enjoying the company of each other because we are neighbors who work together!" said the cow.
"That was a real' dick move with you taking all the bread, but I still had fun making it," said the duck.
"Yeah, hen, you need to work with your neighbors, especially with all the crime and government corruption lately," said the pig.
"I forgive you, but you pull that again and I'll cut your face, bitch," said the goose.
The little red hen learned abusing her peers for five loaves of bread she couldn't get through before they rotted really was a poor move and since this is just a poor derivation of a poor derivation of a children's story meant to build a moral compass through anthropomorphized barnyard animals, it really has little relation on the complexities of an adult's life. It's easy to feel justified in your decisions when you can write a witty parody of someone else's work but ultimately, if you don't treat the people you depend on and who depend on you with any respect it doesn't matter whether you fly a Conservative flag or not.

This parable actually happened.

The Violent Marine

A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.

He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform… I'll give you exactly 15 min." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

Moral: If you do it in God's name, you can get away with all sorts of violent shit.

The Professor and the Student

A university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied, "Yes, he did!"

"God created everything? The professor asked.

"Yes sir", the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil". The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

The student paused for a moment, then replied, "It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it."

The student's name? Albert Einstein.

This parable actually happened.

The Biker and the Asteroid

It was your typical day in Washington, D.C. The scientists at NASA headquarters were working hard at their research when suddenly the front doors burst opened and a man wearing a motorcycle helmet walked in. He gazed across the room at the scientists and said:

"The Earth is about to hit by an asteroid. NASA must develop a weapon powerful enough to blow it up."

The scientists were skeptical or this claim and asked him what evidence there was to support his claim. The stranger grinned and ask:

"What proof and evidence can you provide that there isn't an asteroid that is about to hit earth?"

The scientists naturally responded with criticism. They stated that it was up to the person making the claim to provide proof and evidence, not the person who doubts the claim. After hearing this, the man grew red and stated:

"I know the asteroid is coming, because I can feel it in my heart."

The scientists looked at each other; clearly this guy had a couple of screws loose. But maybe they would be able to reason with him. The head scientist stood up, looked the man in the eye, and said:

"Look, I understand that you really believe that an asteroid is able to hit Earth, but you have to look at this logically. What you feel does not have any effect on what is actually happening. Try to look at it from our point of view: You come into our headquarters and expect us to spend billions of dollars to create a defense system to blow up an asteroid that probably does not exist. In fact, I don't even think you believe in this garbage; if you did, then you would offer us actual evidence. Show us real evidence, or go away!"

After hearing this, the man went berserk:

"I'm not hearing any evidence that not believing in the asteroid is accurate and correct!"

"You want the Earth to be destroyed so you can avoid moral responsibility."

"The reason that you don't believe in the asteroid is because you found out that Santa Claus wasn't real."

After hearing this type of nonsense for about 4 hours, the scientists lost their patience and essentially told the stranger to go fuck himself. After hearing this, the man got a prickish grin on his face and walked out the door. A few moments later the revving of a motorcycle was heard down the street, followed by the voice of the man screaming:

"I have conquered NASA! Ahahahaha!"

Moral: Anti-asteroid-about-to-hit-earth-ism is madness!!!

This parable actually happened.

The Atheist and the Believer

An atheist and a believer were having a discussion. "I don't believe in God, prove to me he exists," cried the atheist. "Uh," said the believer gently and then walked away.

This parable actually happened.

Conservatives

"How do you tell a conservative? Well, it's someone who listens to Trump. And how do you tell a liberal? It's someone who understands Trump."

External Links

What most of these are based off of. Feel free to brutally parody the rest.