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Fun:Missouri

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Lewis and Clark canoeing under the Gateway Arch. Here depicted on the Goatse Memorial Coin.
Marge: There are only 49 stars on that flag.
Grampa: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!
The Simpsons[1]

Missouri (a.k.a. Diet Arkansas) is the "show me" state, and, as such, the capital of empiricism.[2]

Settlement[edit]

Mostly consisting of corn fields and mud vast prairies and lush forests (both deciduous and coniferous), with the exception of St. Louis and Kansas City, the reason Missouri was settled was that people's wagons broke, and either A) they couldn't fix them, or B) they looked around and said "this is right purdy, let's live here!". It is also possible that, given most of Missouri's bigger cities lie along railroad routes, that the majority of its settlements are just overgrown rail stops. [3]

Remnants of the beginning of the Oregon Trail can be traced under the parking lots of Starbucks, Borders Books, and Targets in the Kansas City, Missouri area.

Middling or so[edit]

Missouri has one thing to promote it (outside of various civil war battle sites, the home and Presidential Library of Harry S. Truman, Barbecue so good every American President since Truman makes frequent stops for): it's in the middle. Wherever you might want to go in the USA, it's always the same distance. And, believe me or me (or even me), if you are there, you will want to go somewhere else. This place has almost nothing to its name. All the actual good places (Saint Louis) are not the real Missouri, and instead dang commies. Who don't have guns. That said, Midwestern folks are the best folks you might ever want to meet. Gun-toting, foul-mouthed, deceitful Honest, friendly folks. I mean it. What, you want an anecdote? Ask and ye might receive, but for now, that's me done.[4]

Holy sites[edit]

The Garden of Eden was located in present-day Independence, Missouri, which is also the location where Jesus commanded the Prophet Joseph Smith to build the temple which would usher in the end times. There are now three different temples built by three different Mormon splinter denominations kitty-corner from each other at this particular highway intersection in Independence. They're still waiting for Jesus to show me show up. What's the dang holdup?

Awesome math geek reference[edit]

The "Gateway Arch" in St. Louis is an example of a catenary very large croquet hoop. Money ran out before the other half could be built.

Politics[edit]

Granted statehood in 1820, Missouri for three decades represented the far end of the American Western Frontier before California became a state in 1850. A slaveholding state, Missouri sent feckless and insidious border ruffians into Kansas in an attempt to terrorize the territory into enacting slavery after the passage of the Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854. This action led to the "Bleeding Kansas" affair, which saw more than 200 people die in clashes between Abolitionists and Pro-Slavery mercenaries between 1854 and 1864. Although Missouri attempted to secede from the Union after the Civil War erupted in 1861, thankfully, the treasonous, seditious and outright insurrectionist Confederate movement in Missouri was suppressed by Union forces, and Missouri failed to join the Confederacy, remaining a border state (like Kentucky and Maryland).

The only truly progressive counties in the state are St. Louis County, St. Louis City County, Jackson County (Kansas City) and Boone County (Columbia), as the remaining 111 Missouri counties are hopelessly Republican.

Historically a purple state, Missouri unfortunately took a sharp rightward turn in presidential politics in 2000, when it failed to vote for the winner of the national popular vote for the first time in 44 years. It voted for the Republican nominee, Texas Governor George W. Bush, over the Democratic nominee, Vice-President Al Gore by 3.34%. It then voted for Bush over Kerry in 2004 by 7.20%. Missouri almost voted for Obama in 2008, with McCain's margin a mere 3,903 votes statewide. However, the gulf widened in 2012 and again in 2016.

Famous people from Missouri[edit]

The Good[edit]

  • Harry S. Truman 33rd President of the United States
  • Jay Nixon, the previous governor.
  • Walter Cronkite, Legendary CBS News anchor.
  • Bill Bradley, NBA Hall of Famer, U. S. Senator, presidential candidate.
  • Yogi Berra, New York Yankees Hall of Famer.
  • Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain.
  • Scott Joplin, who lived in St. Louis for a mere four years, but produced some of his best work while there.
  • Edwin Hubble, Famous astronomer.
  • Charles Lindbergh, Famous Aviator
  • Chuck Berry, Rock and roll singer.
  • General Omar Bradley
  • General John J. Pershing

The Bad[edit]

  • The James-Younger Gang. (In the Colin Farrell flick, American Outlaws, he and the boys spend time arguing about their billing. Should it be the James Gang? The James-Younger Gang? The Younger-James Gang? (Naw, that sounds like there’s an Older James Gang).)
    • Frank and Jesse James
    • Cole, Jim, John and Bob Younger
    • Charles and Robert "The Coward Bob" Ford. Just because ya kill Jesse James, don't make ya Jesse James.
  • Lonesome Rhodes Rush Limbaugh, fat opinionated fuck, radio personality
  • Steven Seagal, owner of star of Belly of the Beast
  • John Ashcroft, Dubya's Attorney General who lost his senate seat to a dead guy.
  • Phyllis Schlafly, Conservative political activist (We do apologize for this one.)
  • Todd Akin, 2012 GOP Senate nominee and either a future wackjob Senator or a Sharron Angle flame-out in the near future

Culinary delights[edit]

  • The toasted ravioli is St. Louis' great contribution to the American appetizer menu. And a nice contribution it is...
  • Not to mention the Barbecue...

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Simpsons Wiki: Homer Badman Quotes
  2. Not really.
  3. I base this off of living here my entire life. Every town in MO I've been through has an "Olde Down Towne" section that revolves around an old rail station.
  4. This is based partly off of CUR's life there.