Hurricane Sandy
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| God, guns, and freedom U.S. Politics |
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Hurricane Sandy was a Category 3 hurricane and at the time it occurred was the second most costly natural disaster in US history. It caused severe devastation and loss of life with total fatalaties known reaching 233 in the Caribbean and the Northeastern United States (and a few problems in Canada and the Midwest for anyone who was paying attention). According to certain people, God sent it on its path of destruction presumably out of anger towards the U.S. because of the amount of decency gays and atheists are treated with there, though his decision lacked foresight as it may have cost his preferred candidate the 2012 United States presidential election. One cannot help but wonder as to the amount of confusion agnostic bisexuals give the weather pattern.
Causes[edit]
As is typical with storms that impact the United States in a particularly destructive way, the explanation for this one falls somewhere between Goddidit and gaysdidit. Within days of the storm's landfall, Luke Robinson, a Maryland-based crackpot preacher crackpot, pinned responsibility for the storm on mayor Michael Bloomberg and his support of a marriage equality measure on the ballot in that state. Blogger John McTernan wrote that God was becoming fed up with gays infiltrating every corner of American society (now staunch conservatives can be gay too!); in a show of inter-faith support, these claims were backed by Rabbi Noson Leiter, who cited the hurricane as divine retribution on a city overrun by gay shenanigans. Also cited by Rabbi Leiter was the appearance of a double rainbow after the storm: an overwhelming indicator that this was Flood #2. (While God had promised not to do the whole flood thing again, it was a noteworthy follow up for those of us who missed the first one.)
All in all, God's pre-emptive attack against the U.S. was not unwarranted: a week later gays won (by popular vote!) the ability to get hitched in three more states,[1] and a proposed gay marriage-banning amendment to a fourth state's constitution was voted against. Further retribution can be forecasted in the future if the U.S. continues to slip down this very slippery slope.
Political effects[edit]
As all decent Americans know, Mitt Romney was on the wide and clear road to winning the presidency before Sandy hit. Unfortunately for him, the storm interrupted his campaign and gave his opponent a chance to make a comeback and look poised and dapper as ever as he took the helm, guided his countrymen through the crisis and even formed an unlikely bromance in the process. Mitt Romney wound up losing pretty badly, as even a 5% shift in his direction would have still allowed Obama to win.
God probably didn't intend any of this: while he couldn't have been thrilled at the prospect of a Mormon in the White House, it's a better alternative to the evil Muslim Hindu atheist or Antichrist who filled the position in the end. But hey, that's what happens when you make rash, impulsive decisions out of anger.
Other theories[edit]
- Global warming, of course.
- Obama created the storm using HAARP in order to allow himself to look like a hero responding to a disaster, engineering an "October surprise" just a week before the election.[2]
In conclusion[edit]
If you're going advocate privatizing FEMA in the midst of, at the time, the fourth-costliest hurricane in American history, you're gonna have a bad time.[3]
See also[edit]
External links[edit]
References[edit]
- ↑ See the Wikipedia article on Same-sex marriage in the United States.
- ↑ Alex Jones is on the case!
- ↑ Romney on FEMA, Then and Now, The New York Times