Keith Ablow

Pictured: Keith Ablow; books. What an elitist!

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Keith Russell Ablow (1961–) is an American psychiatrist, author, and prominent media personality, appearing on such programs as The Tyra Banks Show and Glenn Beck as an expert in psychoanalysis. He wrote for Fox News' blog devoted to health matters, and runs his own self-empowerment community based around his book Living the Truth.

One way he's allegedly empowered himself is through having sex with his patients. As a result, Ablow has had his medical license suspended by two states and his home raided by the DEA.

Education and career

Coming from amazing institutional roots, with degrees from Brown and Johns Hopkins, Ablow has since sunk to the depths of prostituting those little "M.D." letters on television. He happily provides deeply complex psychiatric analyses of famous individuals or talk-show guests on the basis of thirty-second interviews or news headlines.

Considered opinions

On mass murder

Appearing on the Glenn Beck Show in order to analyze Jiverly Voong, who went on a mass shooting spree in Binghamton, New York, he felt assured enough of the man's name and the fact of the spree to declare:

Believe me, [we are] not born to this world for this kind of heinous act or this kind of end. Some series of calamities befell him that he then symbolically reproduces. What does he do? He barricades the exit. There is no exit. And I promise when we learn more about his life, we'll learn that he saw no exit for himself, that his life as he saw it had come to an end.

Ablow has also defended the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. While he took great pains to state that he thought Kaczynski's actions were wrong, he went on to state that his ideas "are increasingly important" and "cannot be dismissed", saying that Kaczynski's manifesto, Industrial Society and Its Future, deserved a place alongside Nineteen Eighty-Four and Brave New World. According to Ablow's logic, since the NSA is spying on us and Barack Obama heavily employed the internet as a key campaign and outreach tool, that means that the internet is totally rotten to the core and that Kaczynski was right about technology.

On black folks in the White House

Another time on the same program, Ablow offered advice for President Obama, saying:

The president needs to look at himself and say, "Do I have prejudice that I wasn’t even aware of, perhaps, towards white people?"

On gender

Ablow is also very concerned about pink nail polish on boys' toenails. Perhaps he's forgotten about the good old days when boys regularly cross-dressed. He also criticised ABC for featuring Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars--not because he is transphobic, but because of his never-ending concern for the children.

On Newt Gingrich's open marriage and infidelity

On Fox News, Keith Ablow claimed Newt Gingrich's infidelity and open marriage policy could make him a superior president.

On Millennials

Ablow diagnosed the entire Millennial generation as "deluded narcissists" and predicted an "epidemic of depression and suicidality, not to mention homicidality" from them. According to Ablow, there is just too much Facebook, too much computer gaming, too much MTV and, of course, too much drinkin' and druggin' and sexin'. These gosh darn kids today, I tell you, in my day...

Astounding fiction career

Not content to limit himself at self-help literature, Ablow has tried his hand at fiction, having so far written six books featuring Frank Clevenger, a forensic psychiatrist from Massachusetts (and totally not an author stand-in). His novels, published between 1998 through 2005, are titled Denial, Projection, Compulsion, Psychopath, Murder Suicide, and The Architect. Though commonly described as crime fiction, one could be forgiven for mistaking the first five titles for the stages of grief most right-wingers (Tea Partiers especially) have gone through due to the Obama presidency.