Fun:Arthropleura

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A bigass bug.

Arthropleura was a gigantic species of bug, related to centipedes and millipedes, that lived during the Carboniferous period.[1] Despite the fact that they were herbivores, they had very nasty mandibles, and were generally badass bugs.[2]. How big were they, you may wonder? About three meters at maximum size.[3][4] They became extinct partly because of climate change — when the amount of oxygen in the atmosphere lowered, they died due to not being able to intake enough oxygen.

How to squish an Arthropelura[edit]

You will need:

  • a time portal
  • a lack of common sense
  • a very large newspaper[5]
  • fast legs[6]
  • C-4 (optional)[7]
  • a very large can of bug spray
  1. Swing the newspaper at the Arthropleura.
  2. If the paper is underweight, you will know because the bug will grab it with its mandibles and fling you around like a rag doll.
  3. If the paper is the right weight, you will know because you will be unable to move it.
  4. The Arthropleura should now be very pissed at you. Run like Hell and hope it doesn't bite you.
  5. If you are still bound and determined to kill it (or exceptionally stupid), a small amount of C-4 might be helpful, assuming you can get close enough to attach the C-4.
  6. If you can't attach C-4, a largely defensive weapon of machine gun will not work. Don't bother. In addition, the high oxygen atmosphere of the Carboniferous period will cause any explosion in the gun's barrel to be significantly larger. Also, the bullet will look like a firework.
  7. If you haven't been cut off from the time portal, try luring it back through, the lack of oxygen in our atmosphere will have it dead in seconds.
  8. If you are cut off from the time portal, it was nice knowing you, unless you are particularly lucky and a horsetail[8] happens to land on it.

Now stew it![edit]

Once you've killed the Arthropleura, you can have Teriyaki Arthropleura Stew.

You'll need:

  • red pepper
  • teriyaki sauce
  • one (dead) Arthropleura
  • an exceptionally large pot
  • a knife
  • chainsaw (optional)
  • a method to heat your stew without fire — the high oxygen atmosphere makes any fire dangerous
  1. Cut up the Arthropleura. This should take about two days, using a normal knife. If you use a chainsaw, the amount of time will be more in the realm of two hours.
  2. Stick the Arthropleura, teryaki sauce and the red pepper in the pot. Stir and heat.
  3. Enjoy. Makes 50-100 servings.

Andypleura[edit]

This section contains lib'rul deceits. You have been warned.
A bigass Assfly.

The Andypleura was a highly conservative breed of Arthropleura, descended from the Arthrophyllis, a mortal enemy of the Librapleura, and a close relative to the Arthronpleura, the homosexual cousin to the Andypleura. During its heyday, the Andypleura built huge (albeit weak) nests and feasted on straw men, mistaking the straw man for the real thing. Due to poor taste, they also occasionally nibbled on fruitcakes, though they typically got sick and died afterwards. However, its heyday was destined to be short. After about six thousand years of existence, it died out due to an unwillingness to adapt to gay marriage, a higher CO2 level, and religions other than its own, in addition to simple logic. Its doom was sealed by the fact that, unusually, it was completely unwilling to evolve (calling it 'deceitful' and responsible for one of the largest mass exterminations in Earth's history), resulting in it not adapting even slightly to the changing climate. Its niche was filled by the smaller aSKthropleura. It is widely considered one of the shortest lived genus ever.

Actually, there is much controversy over whether the Andypleura even exists, as it is known from one fossil with questionable dates.

But seriously folks…[edit]

Arthropleura were very, very big, had nasty mandibles, were very fast, and most likely had hard shells. Don't fuck with them.

Arthropleura evolved from crustacean-like ancestors in the Carboniferous period, and was able to grow to such absurd sizes because of the high percentage of oxygen in the atmosphere. Generally, arthropods use primitive organs in their skin called spiracles to diffuse oxygen from the atmosphere into their bloodstream. Unusually, no imprints of spiracles have been discovered, meaning that it could have breathed through lungs (unlikely), or specialized gills (more likely).

Most likely, Arthropleura ate tiny organisms in the decaying matter of the forest floor.[9] However, this remains uncertain, as no mouthparts have ever been found in fossils.[10]

See also[edit]

Don't see also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Back then, everything, spiders, scorpions, camel spiders, horsetails, etc. was REALLY DAMN BIG.
  2. I must have one.
  3. This makes it the largest land invertebrate of all time. And you should have seen the one that got away.
  4. Or, if you watch Primeval, six meters, and equipped with a venomous bite.
  5. In other words, half a ton.
  6. Or, if you are Sarah Palin, a helicopter to shoot out of.
  7. Members of the Nuclear Club may prefer a small nuke.
  8. They made horsetails big in those days.
  9. And it would be doing the world a favor.
  10. Associated Content