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Fingerlickin' jelly!
Prior to (Rand) Paul’s reign, (Mitch) McConnell had been the undisputed most embarrassing thing about Kentucky for a staggering twenty-five years. A threat to Paul’s five-year title came earlier this fall, when he fended off a strong challenge by the county clerk Kim Davis. Reached by reporters on Tuesday night, Paul was philosophical about passing the torch to a new source of embarrassment. “I had a good run,” he said.
The New Yorker[1]

Kentucky is the world's leading producer of jellyWikipedia's W.svg because its horses are fingerlickin' good.

Kentucky ("Caintuck") is also famous for its bluegrass. And using one word for two exports.

Despite (or due to) the highly religious nature of Kentuckians[2], the main industries are college basketball, coal, horses, gambling, tobacco, marijuana[3], alcohol, and porn. The medical field has also grown rapidly in Kentucky, if only in response to the need imposed by the other industries.

Kentucky made the cover of commie leftist pinko rag The Nation's Oct. 1, 2007 issue.


[edit] High-tech antiterrars

Kentucky's Office of Homeland Security has the important duty of "stressing the dependence on Almighty God as being vital to the security of the Commonwealth."[4][5] It must have worked, as Caintuck has not yet been invaded by the terrars. Non-Christians are glad that the department hasn't taken that requirement very seriously.

[edit] Fun

  • "Open seven days a week, excluding Sundays!" - actual sign on a Kentucky Fried Chicken store
  • "We had quitters during the Revolution too! We called them Kentuckians!" - George Washington's ghost to Lisa Simpson
  • Kentucky is one of those weird places where the further North you go, the further South you are, because of Indiana.

[edit] Rural poverty

One of the most commonly overlooked features of Kentucky (although immortalized in folk songs such as "Which Side Are You On") is its status as one of the last bastions of abject white poverty. The Appalachian region of East Kentucky in particular is possibly the poorest area in the country, with life expectancy figures more similar to the Third World than the United States. As a result, Kentucky's coal mining region was once a center of the workers' struggle, and afterwards was used by Lyndon Johnson as a poster child during his "War on Poverty" campaign. Since then, however, politicians on the left have increasingly forsook the Kentuckians (viewing them as less worthy of attention than poor people of color) while right-wing politicians have exploited their racism in order to turn them against the Democratic Party (while simultaneously doing nothing whatsoever to break the cycle of poverty). The result is a scene of unfortunate stagnation, isolation, and hopelessness for a once proud Appalachian people.

[edit] Kentuckites of note

  • Abraham Lincoln (and Jefferson Davis, oops)
  • Rand Paul: Fiscal responsibility, ahhahahahahahaha! Washington outsider, hohohohohahahahaha! Stands on, hahaha, his principles ohhahahahahaha!!! Make it stop, can't breathe
  • Hunter S. Thompson came from Kentucky, so atleast it's got something going for it.
  • The Judd Family (Naomi, Ashley, and Wynonna). Thank you, Rand, for illustrating Ashely's point: a wealthy actress who spends half the year in Scotland still more closely represents Kentucky than you do.[6]
  • Staffers of the Creation Museum
  • Louis Brandeis, one of the better members of the SCOTUS
  • Mohammed Ali, a pioneer in beating people up
  • Jennifer Lawrence, as anyone from Kentucky will insist on reminding you

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Borowitz, Andy, "Rand Paul No Longer Most Embarrassing Thing About Kentucky", The New Yorker 11.4.15.
  2. Of course, the main religion in KY is actually college basketball
  3. More grown in KY than California
  4. "Anti-Terror Law Requires God Be acknowledged" Lexington Herald-Leader. November 28, 2008
  5. "Court upholds Kentucky law requiring reliance on 'Almighty God' for security" Lexington Herald-Leader. October 29, 2011
  6. "Ashley Judd Should Run for Office in Scotland, amirite?"

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