Fun:The dirty parts of the Bible

Damn! The Vatican Sex Manual is in here somewhere! Why couldn't they have put The Vatican Sex Manual on the outside so I could safely read this filth in public?

The rather dull dirty parts of the Bible formed the basis for the much-improved, funny, and actually sexy book, The Vatican Sex Manual.

Somebody finally got the Bible banned, albeit in a small way (removal from a library at a public school), because it is a dirty, filthy book. An unnamed Utah parent in the Davis School District complained that the Bible contains "Incest, onanism, bestiality, prostitution, genital mutilation, fellatio, dildos, rape, and even infanticide", and complained, "You’ll no doubt find that the Bible, under Utah Code Ann. § 76-10-1227, has ‘no serious values for minors’ because it’s pornographic by our new definition." The parent went on to say "Get this PORN out of our schools." and "If the books that have been banned so far are any indication for way lesser offenses, this should be a slam dunk." The fundamentalist Christian legislators of Iowa know that the Bible is filthy because they felt it necessary to exempt the Bible (and any other religious books) from their ban of public "school books that include descriptions or visual depictions of sex acts".

This isn't the first time that the 'sexy', or 'filthy' parts have been singled out of the Bible. Three authors have previously written about them.

Nudity

See the main article on this topic: Nudity

Adam and Eve, after the fig leaves

• Genesis 2:23-25

  23: And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

  24: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

  25: And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

• Genesis 3:6-7

  6: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

  7: And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

• Genesis 9:23-25

  23: And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.

  24: And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.

  25: And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.

Your sexy body

• Song of Solomon 7:1-3

  1: How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

  2: Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.

  3: Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.

• Song of Solomon 7:6-9

  6: How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

  7: This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

  8: I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

  9: And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.

Sex

See the main article on this topic: Sex

Adultery

See the main article on this topic: Adultery

• 1 Corinthians 5:1-8

  1: It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife.

  2: And ye are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he that hath done this deed might be taken away from among you.

  3: For I verily, as absent in body, but present in spirit, have judged already, as though I were present, concerning him that hath so done this deed,

  4: In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when ye are gathered together, and my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ,

  5: To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.

  6: Your glorying is not good. Know ye not that a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump?

  7: Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened. For even Christ our passover is sacrificed for us:

  8: Therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, neither with the leaven of malice and wickedness; but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.

• Numbers 5:23-28

  23: And the priest shall write these curses in a book, and he shall blot them out with the bitter water:

  24: And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse: and the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter.

  25: Then the priest shall take the jealousy offering out of the woman's hand, and shall wave the offering before the LORD, and offer it upon the altar:

  26: And the priest shall take an handful of the offering, even the memorial thereof, and burn it upon the altar, and afterward shall cause the woman to drink the water.

  27: And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people.

  28: And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed.

Onanism

See the main article on this topic: Onanism

• Genesis 38:9-10

  9: And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

  10: And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Sodomy

See the main article on this topic: Sodomy

• Ezekiel 16:49-50

  49: Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.

  50: And they were haughty, and committed abomination before me: therefore I took them away as I saw good.

Rape

See the main article on this topic: Rape

• Genesis 34:1-2

  1: And Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land.

  2: And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.

• Deuteronomy 21:11-13

  11: And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;

  12: Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;

  13: And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.

• Deuteronomy 22:23-29

  22: If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.

  23: If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;

  24: Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.

  25: But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die.

  26: But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter:

  27: For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her.

  28: If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;

  29: Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

• Judges 19:25-29

  25: But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.

  26: Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was, till it was light

  27: And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold.

  28: And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place.

  29: And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.

• Deuteronomy 22:18-19

  18: And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him;

  19: And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days.

Incestuous rape

Lot and his daughters

• Genesis 19:30-38

  30: And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

  31: And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

  32: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

  33: And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

  34: And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

  35: And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

  36: Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

  37: And the first born bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day.

  38: And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.

The rape of Tamar by Amnon

• 2 Samuel 13:1-22

  1: And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.

  14: Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.

  22: And Absalom spake unto his brother Amnon neither good nor bad: for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had forced his sister Tamar.

Rape of an enslaved person

See the main article on this topic: Slavery

• Exodus 21:7-8

  7: And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do.

  8: If she please not her master, who hath betrothed her to himself, then shall he let her be redeemed: to sell her unto a strange nation he shall have no power, seeing he hath dealt deceitfully with her.

Incest

See the main article on this topic: Incest

• Genesis 20:12

  And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.

• Leviticus 18:6-18

  6: None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD.

  7: The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.

  8: The nakedness of thy father's wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father's nakedness.

  9: The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father, or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home, or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover.

  10: The nakedness of thy son's daughter, or of thy daughter's daughter, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover: for theirs is thine own nakedness.

  11: The nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter, begotten of thy father, she is thy sister, thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.

  12: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister: she is thy father's near kinswoman.

  13: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister: for she is thy mother's near kinswoman.

  14: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother, thou shalt not approach to his wife: she is thine aunt.

  15: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter in law: she is thy son's wife; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.

  16: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife: it is thy brother's nakedness.

  17: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswomen: it is wickedness.

  18: Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex her, to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life time.

• Leviticus 20:17

  And if a man shall take his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter, and see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness; it is a wicked thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people: he hath uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity.

• Leviticus 20:11-14

  11: And the man that lieth with his father's wife hath uncovered his father's nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

  12: And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.

  13: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

  14: And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.

• Deuteronomy 27:23

  Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law. And all the people shall say, Amen.

Sexually transmitted disease

See the main article on this topic: Sexually transmitted disease

Diamanda Galás' song "This Is The Law Of The Plague" from her Plague Mass album quotes from Leviticus and Psalms

• Leviticus 15:2-4

  2: Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When any man hath a running issue out of his flesh, because of his issue he is unclean.

  3: And this shall be his uncleanness in his issue: whether his flesh run with his issue, or his flesh be stopped from his issue, it is his uncleanness.

  4: Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean.

• Psalm 38:5-8

  5: My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness.

  6: I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.

  7: For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh.

  8: I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.

• Deuteronomy 28:27-29

  27: The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.

  28: The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart:

  29: And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the blind gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways: and thou shalt be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee.

Coprophagia and urophagia

• 2 Kings 18:27

  But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

Double entendre

See the main article on this topic: Euphemism

• Acts 9:5

  And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

See also

• Cherry picking — no, not that kind of cherry