RationalWiki:Annotated Bible/Genesis

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See the main article on this topic: Book of Genesis
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Contents

Genesis Chapter 1 (God creates stuff)[edit]

Genesis 1:1[edit]

In the beginning God [Elohim] created the heaven and the earth.

Genesis 1:1 Notes[edit]

Genesis 1:1 begins what is often called the Priestly account of creation, distinct from the story of Adam and Eve. Most modern scholars identify four distinct writers or groups or writers of the Pentateuch with their own styles and a tendency to contradict each other, called the Yahwist (writing in ~950 BCE), the Elohist (~850 BCE), the Deuteronomist (~600 BCE) and the Priestly source (~500 BCE). Additionally, Genesis has some very strong overlaps with older stories from Mesopotamia, Sumeria and Ancient Greece, such as the Eridu Genesis, the Enuma Elish, the Epic of Atrahasis and Epic of Gilgamesh, suggesting at least one of the authors was the Plagiarist.

The Pentateuch is generally believed to have reached its final form with the additions by the Priestly source in or around the 500s BCE: fundamentalists tend to prefer to assume it was compiled by Moses in around 1,500 BCE from documentary sources written at the time of the events it describes.

It is instructive to compare the first creation myth with the second biblical creation myth which begins at Genesis 2:4.

No mentions, by the way, of stuff as galaxies, the Big Bang and all that happened by then, etc. So much for an "omnipotent and omniscient God".

Genesis 1:2[edit]

And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

Genesis 1:2 Notes[edit]

Believers in gap creationism slip a few million, or even billion, years between these two verses. Even if we allow a long period of time between these verses, there still remains a problem: the Hebrew word for water in this verse is "מָ֫יִם" ("mayim"), which is the same word used to describe springs, wells, floods, rain, seas and used when people bathe and drink.[1] It is the same word used in this same chapter to describe the waters of the seas where the land is drawn from and where the fish originate. Water is made of two atoms, Hydrogen and Oxygen. According to modern cosmology, after the Big Bang, Hydrogen was first atom formed through nucleosynthesis (next was Helium and Lithium). Within the vast cloud of Hydrogen, the first stars take form due to gravity. Stars are fueled by nuclear fusion, turning Hydrogen into heavier atoms and metals. This is where Oxygen (and various other heavy atoms and metals from Carbon to Iron) are first formed in the Universe. Then when a massive star runs out of fuel, it explodes in a supernova and scatters the heavier atoms throughout the Universe, allowing Hydrogen and Oxygen to bond for the first time to create water.

In summary, stars must exist first in order for compounds like water to exist, but as we read on in Genesis, it says water already existed before the stars (even light itself) were created. The authors of Genesis got this backwards.

It isn't particularly clear who created the darkness. This omission would later result in a series of comic books and two videogames.

Genesis 1:3[edit]

And God [Elohim] said, Let there be light: and there was light.

Genesis 1:3 Notes[edit]

(Read: And God said, "Well, 'bout time we lit this sumbitch up, yeah?")

God creates light before creating any light sources. Jehovah's Witnesses, who are old earth creationists, explain this away by saying that this verse refers to the early period in Earth's history when it was shrouded in dense clouds and some light reached the surface, but the Sun couldn't be seen clearly.

Genesis 1:4[edit]

And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

Genesis 1:4 Notes[edit]

This verse hints that the writers of the Bible considered darkness to be the opposite of light, rather than just its absence.

Genesis 1:5[edit]

And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Genesis 1:5 Notes[edit]

To recap: God created light, divided it, and named the pieces Day and Night. This was all he managed on day one — a fairly poor effort, particularly when compared to Day Four when he will create an estimated 300 sextillion stars. Anyway, we can only assume that God's just limbering up, because He's got a lot of work ahead of him if he's going to finish the universe before the weekend.

Note that there will be no sun until day four, so it's not clear what this "Day" actually constitutes from a time perspective, or how there even could be an "evening" (from the Hebrew ereb which literally means "sun-set" and may or may not be a cognate to the linguistic root of "Europe", the "sunset-land").

Evening - check. Morning - check. They're even in the appropriate order for the Biblical day, which traditionally begins around local sundown/sunset/nightfall.[2] But no mention of the afternoon (unlike in Judges 19:8). Perhaps the afternoons are where all those billions of years fit in for stirring up the various galaxies and for piecing together RNA.

Genesis 1:6[edit]

And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

Genesis 1:6 Notes[edit]

Firmament, from Latin firmamentum, "something which strengthens or supports." The firmament references obsolete astronomical models and was a solid structure on which the stars were mounted, which divided the sky from heaven. The Old Testament is consistent in referring to this ancient Babylonian model, where the Earth was a flat and motionless disc and rested on pillars that suspended it over nothing, and the Firmament a dome above it with various doors and storehouses for rain and hail: this is alluded to in Job, and described in detail in the apocryphal 2 Enoch.

Genesis 1:7[edit]

And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

Genesis 1:7 Notes[edit]

The "water above the firmament" is cited by some as the source of the water in the Biblical flood. However this is problematic for a number of reasons. Such a layer of water would block sunlight. Another problem is related to the weight of the water. Water is heavy, and placing enough water above us to flood the entire planet would have resulted in Adam and Eve effectively living in a giant pressure cooker, or to be more precise, being dead and nicely broiled in a giant pressure cooker.

When interpreting the story as a creation myth, it's obvious that the bit about the "water above" is intended to explain the source of rain. This would imply that the writers believed that rainwater comes from beyond the stars.

Genesis 1:8[edit]

And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

Genesis 1:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 1:9[edit]

And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

Genesis 1:9 Notes[edit]

Genesis 1:10[edit]

And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

Genesis 1:10 Notes[edit]

To a Bronze Age author, it probably seemed plausible that there was only one area of "dry land." But obviously, there are several continents which are not hinted at in this verse.

Genesis 1:11[edit]

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

Genesis 1:11 Notes[edit]

The use of the vague term "kind" in this and subsequent verses is the justification for the pseudoscience of Baraminology.

Genesis 1:12[edit]

And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Genesis 1:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 1:13[edit]

And the evening and the morning were the third day.

Genesis 1:13 Notes[edit]

Genesis 1:14[edit]

And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

Genesis 1:14 Notes[edit]

One of the stated purposes for the stars is "for signs." However, interpreting these signs will be explicitly forbidden in Deuteronomy 18:10-14 — and if interpreting a sign is prohibited, then it's not much of a sign. The most common rebuttal to this is that it means navigational signs rather than astrological signs, but legitimate Bible scholars are fairly unanimous that this is not what is being talked about here and it means the astrological signs, which God will go on to name some of in Job.

Note also that the model places these objects in the firmament, which would mean flood models that claim the firmament was destroyed during the flood to explain why we haven't found this structure (even though Ezekiel says it's still there) would require there no longer be any stars in the sky.

Genesis 1:15[edit]

And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

Genesis 1:15 Notes[edit]

If the purpose of the stars is to "give light upon the earth," then why are we only able to see a trivial number of them with the naked eye?

Science has so far catalogued billions of stars, and some estimates suggest there are as many as 300 sextillion. However only about 2000 are visible unaided, and they certainly don't provide much in the way of usable light (at least not to humans).

Genesis 1:16[edit]

And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

Genesis 1:16 Notes[edit]

Let's recap the sequence of events: 1) God creates light, 2) God creates plants (which require sunlight), 3) God creates stars, 4) God creates the Sun. Seems legit. Note that this verse confuses the issue of what was created first: the Sun or all other stars. There is a pretty simple reason for this, which is that at the time the sun was not thought of as a star, but that doesn't really fit the "Bible is science" mindset.

God creates stars almost as an afterthought. Considering that the Bible is the word of God, why is the knowledge of the universe shown here limited to that which would have been available to a common person of the time? It is certainly not the knowledge indicative of an omniscient God.

The moon does not emit light, but merely reflects that of the sun. Furthermore, the moon spends half of its time moving across the daytime sky.

See notes for 1:2 above concerning the stars.

Genesis 1:17[edit]

And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

Genesis 1:17 Notes[edit]

See notes for 1:15 above.

Genesis 1:18[edit]

And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

Genesis 1:18 Notes[edit]

The idea of dividing light from darkness, first introduced in 1:4, is repeated here.

Genesis 1:19[edit]

And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

Genesis 1:19 Notes[edit]

Actually, the first evening: the sun was only created today, remember?

Genesis 1:20[edit]

And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

Genesis 1:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 1:21[edit]

And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Genesis 1:21 Notes[edit]

God creates fish, birds, and marine mammals at once. We now know that amphibians, reptiles and land mammals predate birds and marine mammals in the fossil record.

Genesis 1:22[edit]

And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

Genesis 1:22 Notes[edit]

This verse implies that reproduction existed before the Fall. Many fundamentalists ignore it because they want sex to be a result of the introduction of sin into the world.

Genesis 1:23[edit]

And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

Genesis 1:23 Notes[edit]

Genesis 1:24[edit]

And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

Genesis 1:24 Notes[edit]

The cow is a domesticated animal bred by humans from the extinct aurochs, yet here the Bible says it was created before humans. Also the mention of "cattle" is a little awkward for Baraminology: "cattle" are specifically Bos Taurus, and so here the Bible contradicts their own claims by having "kind" mean "species." If "kind" is upped to "family" with cattle (as it usually is), this provides some huge problems for the creationist non-acceptable of "macroevolution," since they have just admitted a gazelle and a cow share a common ancestor.

Genesis 1:25[edit]

And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Genesis 1:25 Notes[edit]

Genesis 1:26[edit]

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

Genesis 1:26 Notes[edit]

The "us" used in this chapter is unique in Genesis for God referring to him/itself. Several theories exist:

  • it is a reference to a pantheon of Gods. Scholars know that the ancient Hebrews, like other Semitic people of the time, worshipped many gods, YHWH likely being the war-god of the pantheon.
  • it is a Royal we, a formal we. Just as many languages have a "tu" (informal and singular) and a "vous" (formal or plural), so too do many languages have a formal we (in English, Nurses and Kings are famous for using this tense). This does beg the question of who God is supposed to be talking to, though.
  • It is a reference to the Trinity, even though that concept would not be "revealed" (read: nicked from Hinduism by the early Catholic church) for thousands of years and the Holy Spirit isn't usually thought of as humanoid.

Genesis 1:27[edit]

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Genesis 1:27 Notes[edit]

Christian apologetics is split ondiverges over the meaning of this verse when combined with the verses in Genesis 2 (which also cover the creation of humanity). Literalists reard this verse as merely a foreshadowing of the events in Chapter 2, and thus believe that all humans descend directly from Adam and Eve (of course, this creates later problems due to Biblical references to various other people).

The so-called "liberal" Christian viewpoint sees this as a symbolic verse, as a generalized description of God's creation of humanity. This viewpoint thus avoids many of the textual contradictions inherent in the literalist perspective.

A tradition of scholarship associates Genesis 1:27 with the Divine Creation of hermaphoditism and transsexualism.[3] One can only imagine how the "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" mantra would ramify if the English translation of this verse had read "male OR female created he them"...

Genesis 1:28[edit]

And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Genesis 1:28 Notes[edit]

Genesis 1 probably had a different author to Genesis 2-3, or they may have been different variations of the creation myth which were later united. Indeed, this exact same covenant is actually made with Noah at the beginning of Genesis 9. In Genesis 2 and 3, man was created alone, and woman sometime later, and no "multiplying" took place (at least between the man and the woman) until after they were expelled from the Garden.

This verse and those like it are used by some creationists such as Ray Comfort to justify that the Earth and nature was created just for mankind. They neglect to mention that nature is very capable of killing people and some environments like the ocean (as we soon find out in Noah's flood) are extremely hostile for people. That and some plants, animals and other organisms are also quite capable of killing people. There are some parasites that cannot complete their lifecycle without infecting a human host, sometimes to the detriment of the host.

This and Genesis 38:9-10 are the verses where anti-contraception comes from, by the way.

Also, wait a minute! Genesis 3:15-24 shows God cursing man and woman as he throws them out of his Garden, saying they'll have it rough from here on out — not blessing them with bounty! So which is it, literalists?

Genesis 1:29[edit]

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

Genesis 1:29 Notes[edit]

This presumably would include cannabis, tobacco, the coca leaf, and opium poppy. Exempt from this category would be pharmaceutical controlled substances and synthetic cannabis, commonly known as "spice". That and it presumably does not include plants or plant products that are highly toxic to humans.

Genesis 1:30[edit]

And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

Genesis 1:30 Notes[edit]

Tigers, lions, tyrannosaurs? They just ate really dangerous plants. That their teeth are profoundly unsuited for this just shows one of the mysterious ways in which God works.

Genesis 1:31[edit]

And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Genesis 1:31 Notes[edit]

Good, until God decides to wreck the whole thing with the flood because of Man's sin...which he should've known about in the first place being you know, omniscient. Also, why did God need six days to do everything if he was so all powerfull? Isn't this just wasting time?

Genesis Chapter 2 (God creates Adam and Eve)[edit]

Genesis 2:1[edit]

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

Genesis 2:1 Notes[edit]

The intelligent designers of the Tale of Genesis haven't told us much about hosts yet, but a spot of foreshadowing never hurt a literary work.

Genesis 2:2[edit]

And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

Genesis 2:2 Notes[edit]

This is stolen from the Sumerian Enuma Elish, the oldest known creation myth. In this myth the world is not created in six days, but by six generations of gods. The sixth generation created man from their own blood ("adamah" meaning "red dirt") to continue the world of the gods, so that the seventh generation of gods could rest.

Genesis 2:3[edit]

And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

Genesis 2:3 Notes[edit]

Now if you believe in the "one day is x zillion years" like some Old Earth Creationsts espouse, does that mean god twiddled his thumbs for millennia?

Genesis 2:4[edit]

These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God [YHWH-Elohim] made the earth and the heavens,

Genesis 2:4 Notes[edit]

This shift marks a second author in the text, note the use of the name "YHWH-Elohim" LordGod.

This is also the beginning of a separate creation myth. See Creation Week

Genesis 2:5[edit]

And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.

Genesis 2:5 Notes[edit]

This verse implies that the author believed that agriculture was practiced since the dawn of humanity. We now know that agriculture was invented around 9500 BC, and for most of their history humans lived as hunter-gatherers.

Genesis 2:6[edit]

But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.

Genesis 2:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 2:7[edit]

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Genesis 2:7 Notes[edit]

See How come there are still monkeys? if you don't want to answer "How come there is still dust of the ground?"

Genesis 2:8[edit]

And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.

Genesis 2:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 2:9[edit]

And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Genesis 2:9 Notes[edit]

Most translations are worded similarly, in that there are two different trees.

The tree of knowledge is the "bad" one, which God tells Adam not to eat. The tree of life will let Adam live forever, but eating from it is permitted until Adam eats from the tree of knowledge.

Genesis 2:10[edit]

And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.

Genesis 2:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 2:10-14, the abrupt interruption of the story of man to describe four rivers with pseudo-legalistic verbiage is generally accepted as evidence of the third author (the Priests) inserting "important" nonsense.

Genesis 2:11[edit]

The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;

Genesis 2:11 Notes[edit]

The description of Havilah matches the Arabian side of the Persian Gulf. Pison (Pishon) most likely refers to a major river which once flowed through Wadi al-RummahWikipedia's W.svg and Wadi al-Batin.Wikipedia's W.svg

Genesis 2:12[edit]

And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.

Genesis 2:12 Notes[edit]

The relationship of the presence of bdellium (a gum exuded by trees, and so decidedly not metallic) to the quality of gold is rather unclear.

Genesis 2:13[edit]

And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.

Genesis 2:13 Notes[edit]

"Ethiopia" is a KJV translation of the Hebrew term "Kush" or "Gush". This is geographically nonsensical, since Ethiopia is in a different drainage basin than all other rivers mentioned here. The modern interpretation is that "Kush" refers to the homeland of Kassites,Wikipedia's W.svg a tribe which invaded from the east and took control of Mesopotamia in 1531 BC, and therefore Gihon refers to Karun,Wikipedia's W.svg the largest river of Iran.

Genesis 2:14[edit]

And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.

Genesis 2:14 Notes[edit]

The information on rivers would place Eden under the waters of the Persian Gulf. [1] The water level in the gulf rose considerably between 5000 and 4000 BC, gradually submerging a heavily populated and fertile area, which is possibly also the origin of the flood myth.

Genesis 2:15[edit]

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

Genesis 2:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 2:16[edit]

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:

Genesis 2:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis 2:17[edit]

But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Genesis 2:17 Notes[edit]

So "Why is that friggin' tree even there in the first place?"

Note the threat: "...thou shalt surely die." Adam goes on to eat the fruit and most certainly does not die. Had God been truthful, this verse should have read as, "I will choose to make it so you and all your descendants die if you do that and I'll put that snake dude in charge of eternal torment for y'all, then after messing around for a while I'll kill most of you, mess up your language, kill more of you, then eventually come up with an extremely complicated set of rules for you to follow to come back, then, like, in a few thousand years I'll realise I kind of fucked up and that doesn't work, then, like, your descendants nail me to a cross and..." all while Adam looks on in utter bewilderment.

The structure of the warning implies that the death will be a direct result of eating the fruit (occurring the same day, even), and not the result of God actively choosing to bar Adam and Eve from another tree that makes them live forever.

The obvious problem here, of course, is it's a catch-22: it's impossible to know that defying God is wrong without knowing right from wrong, and it's impossible to know right from wrong without defying God. Some interpretations of the scripture argue that man's fall was actually a necessary part of the Divine Plan (with one line of reasoning being that it was needed to get the serpent out of the Garden, though this leads to obvious questions of what it was doing there in the first place), handwaving how it is depicted as shameful.

Overall the tale closely parallels the Greek myth of the Titan Prometheus' tussles with Zeus in defence of humanity; the ancient Israelites were more authoritarian, and so humans are the bad guys for disobeying God's arbitrary rules and seeking knowledge, rather than the serpent being the good guy for pointing out something that's true on all but the most technical of levels.

And how is Adam supposed to know what dying is or that it's bad, in a world where it has never happened to anyone or anything? God might as well have said he would "blorn" or "truddle."

Genesis 2:18[edit]

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Genesis 2:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis 2:19[edit]

And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

Genesis 2:19 Notes[edit]

This is a nice point to consider the contradictions between the first two chapters of Genesis. Spanning Genesis 1:21-26, you see the animals created first. Here, mankind is created before the beasts.

Genesis 2:20[edit]

And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

Genesis 2:20 Notes[edit]

So rather than just creating a mate of the same species for Adam as he had presumably already done for every other species, God has Adam run though and name about 1.5 million species and see if he wants to have sex with any of them. Since God will later say bestiality is punishable by death for both participants, was this just His first attempt at turfing Adam out of the Garden because He didn't want to have the dude's flaccid todger harshing His groove?

Also, who named the fish?

Genesis 2:21[edit]

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

Genesis 2:21 Notes[edit]

This is probably pulled from another Sumerian myth where the god Enki trespassed on a sacred garden and tasted forbidden fruits, and was cursed by the goddess Ninhursag: later, she forgive him and bore seven daughters to heal his seven wounds. One, Ninti, was the "daughter born of the rib," because she was born to close the wound in his side.

Genesis 2:22[edit]

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

Genesis 2:22 Notes[edit]

Biblical literalists have no problem believing that a whole woman was made from a rib in a single step. But tell them that a long series of minor changes changed a monkey into a marginally more intelligent monkey and it's just too outlandish to believe.

Genesis 2:23[edit]

And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

Genesis 2:23 Notes[edit]

Presumably the original Hebrew word for woman means "of man," but the English word certainly doesn't, the construction is from Old English (wifman) where it meant something like "woman-human:" "wif" (root of "wife") was a word for women, but apparently not seen as adequate on its own, "man" was regarded as gender-neutral.

Genesis 2:24[edit]

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Genesis 2:24 Notes[edit]

Isn't there a big question to be asked here? At this point in the story, what the hell is a father and/or mother? This verse lends support to the idea that Genesis is simply another creation myth written long after the purported events are supposed to have occured rather than divine revelation.

Genesis 2:25[edit]

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:25 Notes[edit]

I've not sure what the big deal is. If Michelangelo is at all reputable, then David didn't mind having his junk dangling in the wind either.

Genesis Chapter 3 (Adam and Eve screw it up, for everyone, for all time)[edit]

Genesis 3:1[edit]

Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God (YHWH-Elohim) had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God (Elohim) said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

Genesis 3:1 Notes[edit]

Why would the serpent be "more anything" than other creatures? Did God not make them all perfect. If not, why not?

Christian tradition (as opposed to Judaism) identifies the Serpent with Satan, the Devil, due to similar temptation-related incidents elsewhere in the Bible, which explicitly involve Satan in the role of tempter.

The Serpent also has sexual connotations, due to its phallic symbolism, and its luring of Eve and Adam to forbidden pleasures, which lead to shame and ruin, their awareness of nudity and sexual reproduction.

If the serpent is Satan and Satan cannot tempt people without God's consent (as is set forth in later books such as Job), then this was one big setup for Eve and Adam.

When one comes across a talking animal in a text, one might well assume one had stumbled on a children's story or on a traditional myth/legend/fable. At any rate, one might take the presence of a talking beast as a marker of fiction or of some sort of allegory or metaphor. But no need in the case of this verse, because Satandidit. Hence one can take a talking serpent literally, and read the Book of Genesis as sober history.

Genesis 3:2[edit]

And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

Genesis 3:2 Notes[edit]

An interesting point here is the cool way that Eve reacts. Most people would say something like: "Bloody hell! a talking snake! That's something you don't see every day!" Not Eve - she coolly goes ahead and has a conversation with the ranting reptile and even takes religious instruction from it. Perhaps all animals talked and were sentient before the fall? Perhaps she took it for granted because, being innocent, she didn't know any better...just like she wouldn't have known better than to not eat the forbidden fruit?

Was the serpent even a snake, at this point? This was before he/it got all accursed of God and was transformed into crawling in the dirt on its belly. Maybe the serpent was even human in aspect(?) The Gnostic tradition has the whole creation being a botch job by an inept subcontractor, IHVH, with the more universal God, Sophia (Wisdom) entering the zoo to try to put things right and stop man being simply a childlike pet of a deluded despot and gain the potential to be a free-willed expression of the supporting universe. The Gnostic tradition also says "Hey, it's just a story."

Genesis 3:3[edit]

But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

Genesis 3:3 Notes[edit]

Of course, to Eve -- at least at this point -- the concept of death was as meaningless as the concepts of internal combustion, taxation, or flossing. She had no practical experience with death, and neither did God explain what death may mean. Hence, it was impossible for her to make a truly informed choice.

Genesis 3:4[edit]

And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

Genesis 3:4 Notes[edit]

For the record, the Bible makes no mention of Eve's death, so she could well still be alive for all we know. (Spoiler alert: Adam's age at his death is specifically stated in Genesis 5:5)

Genesis 3:5[edit]

For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

Genesis 3:5 Notes[edit]

And, what do you know - Satan the serpent was telling the truth. God had wanted to keep this secret and had made an idle threat about "..in the day thou eatest thereof" etc. Excuses involving the Serpent knowing what God would do have the minor issue, in a Christian interpretation, of meaning that God must act in a way predicted by Satan, which is not exactly in line with the claim of omnipotence.

Genesis 3:6[edit]

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

Genesis 3:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 3:7[edit]

And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

Genesis 3:7 Notes[edit]

You read it first in the Bible — concept of wearing nothing but apron first invented in Genesis 3:7.

Genesis 3:8[edit]

And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

Genesis 3:8 Notes[edit]

Yes, God was apparently trundling around the garden. The Bible does not make it clear if he was wearing a cardigan or not, but that would be pretty cool.

Genesis 3:9[edit]

And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Genesis 3:9 Notes[edit]

It's interesting to note here that an all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-seeing God has to play hide-and-seek with Adam and Eve in this verse. Marcion of Sinope took this as justification for his claim that the God presented in the Old Testament was in fact not omniscient or omnipresent.

Genesis 3:10[edit]

And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

Genesis 3:10 Notes[edit]

So Adam hides, and then promptly reveals himself simply because "the LORD God" asked nicely.

Genesis 3:11[edit]

And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

Genesis 3:11 Notes[edit]

God's question here is an argument against his omniscience - why should he have to ask at all if they ate from the tree?

The question is particularly odd given that no other source of knowledge in the garden is even mentioned to exist.

Genesis 3:12[edit]

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

Genesis 3:12 Notes[edit]

Adam's decision to blame anyone but himself sets the pattern for later Biblical patriarchs.

Genesis 3:13[edit]

And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

Genesis 3:13 Notes[edit]

If God is omniscient, he wouldn't have had to ask that question.

Genesis 3:14[edit]

And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

Genesis 3:14 Notes[edit]

Because of its role in the Fall, the Serpent and all later snakes have to crawl on the ground. God must have liked adding feet to snakes so that He can remove them later.

So the snake crawls on its belly only after it's cursed! How did it move about before? Also, why are the cattle cursed too? For that matter, since in the Christian interpretation the Serpent is actually one of God's angels, why did God curse snakes at all? (Protip: it's because the Serpent and Satan are two different figures in the Old Testament). And "all the days of its life?" Satan isn't mortal...

The ability of speech for all snakes is also lost, but is not explicitly mentioned. So God is to blame for starting the practice of the "fine print". Or that we all talk like snakes before the Tower of Babel.

Snakes, generally speaking, enjoy a diet far more varied than dirt, and crawling along their "belly" in undergrowth makes them an even more effective predator than they would have been if they had legs. Good job God!

Also, argument against God's omniscience: an omniscient God would know about the impending flood (in case it is not obvious enough, He caused it), and as such the punishment can simply be an order for Noah not to bring any onto the ark.

Genesis 3:15[edit]

And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

Genesis 3:15 Notes[edit]

This verse has provoked fringe theories (serpent seed doctrine) since the days of the early Gnostic writings, with the main idea being that Cain was Eve's son by the Serpent rather than Adam, a theory rejected as heresy by the early church fathers and all mainstream Christian denominations. The precise configuration of who is descended from the serpent has been used as a justification for racism, particularly in a modern white supremacist movement called Two-Seedline Christian Identity where the descendants of Eve and the Serpent are identified as the Jews. Interestingly the doctrine was also used by another group, The Shepherd's Chapel, to argue the exact opposite, that the Jews were the ones descended from Adam while a group called the Kenites were descended from Cain.

It suffers from the very obvious issue that the early Bible would probably have identified Abel as Adam's seed rather than Eve's if it was just talking about one of her two sons, and is rather blatantly talking about humans and snakes not getting along. It also has the minor problem that Genesis 4:1 explicitly says that Cain is Adam's son, since she conceived after he "knew" her.

Incidentally, the idea that the serpent was Satan is relatively new in Christianity: prior to this, the serpent was thought to be Lillith, Adam's first wife in Jewish tradition and another figure the Epic of Gilgamesh. In Jewish tradition, Lillith was created as Adam's equal, refused to submit to him, and, knowing the secret name of God that enabled her to fly, escaped the Garden only to return in the guise of a serpent to tempt Eve. Depictions of the Serpent as a snake-woman can be found on Notre-Dame Cathedral and the roof of the Sistine Chapel.

Genesis 3:16[edit]

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Genesis 3:16 Notes[edit]

This rather interestingly implies that there was sorrow and pain in childbirth before, given that 0 multiplied by anything is still 0. This would also be a rather pointless thing to tell Eve, since at this point she (nor anyone else) has ever had children and so would have nothing to compare this to.

Genesis 3:17[edit]

And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

Genesis 3:17 Notes[edit]

The Bible's first clear statement on the nature of the relationship between men and women.

Genesis 3:18[edit]

Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

Genesis 3:18 Notes[edit]

Repeats the theme from 2:5 that agriculture was practiced since the beginning of humankind, which is obviously not the case.

Genesis 3:19[edit]

In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Genesis 3:19 Notes[edit]

This is the first mention of death, and suggests that mortality was created as a punishment for Adam and Eve's sin.

It's not clear why human sin should cause all other animals to be given to die of natural causes.

Genesis 3:20[edit]

And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.

Genesis 3:20 Notes[edit]

Yes, Adam forgot to give his wife a name when God created her. Maybe he was stricken at his first sight of a naked female, like any male virgin.

Genesis 3:21[edit]

Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

Genesis 3:21 Notes[edit]

God gets in the first actual killing of the Bible, unless he literally just made the skins without animals attached to them.

Genesis 3:22[edit]

And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

Genesis 3:22 Notes[edit]

The tree of life is an interesting artifact in Genesis, because there is some consensus that "mortality" was one of the effects of the Fall, and that Adam and Eve were immortal until they ate from the tree of knowledge and were cast out. If everything in existence was immortal until that point, what then is the purpose of having a tree whose fruit grants immortality? If that was the case, then it's as if God created the tree of life because he knew that he would take immortality away from man during the Fall, and needed a backdoor to immortality to justify throwing them out of Eden in the first place.

There is also no explanation on the exact effects of the tree of life. Given that Adam and Eve weren't prohibited from eating from it, did the tree simply extend their lifespan as long as they consumed its fruit, or would one bite have the same type of effect as the tree of knowledge and instantly grant eternal life? And what would happen if they ate from the tree of life, only to later eat from the tree of knowledge?

Genesis 3:23[edit]

Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

Genesis 3:23 Notes[edit]

The theme from 2:5 is repeated for the third time.

Genesis 3:24[edit]

So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubim, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Genesis 3:24 Notes[edit]

Anachronism. While Omniscient God would have known what a sword was, by the logic of this story, Adam and Eve would not have known what a sword was. They are the only two people on earth, there has been no war yet, and they struggled to make their own clothes, let alone any advanced tools. The significance of the sword, both in its killing power and as a symbol of authority, would have been utterly lost on them. Another sign that this is a story written for later listeners rather than an accurate retelling of historical events.

Genesis Chapter 4 (Cain kills Abel)[edit]

Genesis 4:1[edit]

And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.

Genesis 4:1 Notes[edit]

This is the first mention of sex between Adam and Eve, and it takes place after their banishment. This is often read as meaning that mortality, sexuality and reproduction were all results of the Fall, though this does not gel with earlier verses telling various things to be fruitful and multiply. (Maybe Adam & Eve took the word "fruitful" literally and that's why they ate from the tree of knowledge?)

Genesis 4:2[edit]

And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground.

Genesis 4:2 Notes[edit]

If the story of Cain and Abel is interpreted non-literally as a commentary on the conflicting ways of life of nomadic pastoralists and farmers, it gets a lot more interesting. The author considers pastoralism to be favored by God, and seemingly propagandizes by saying "farming is bad because murderers". This hints that the Bible was written by the modern day equivalent of conservatives. Relevant sketch

Genesis 4:3[edit]

And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD.

Genesis 4:3 Notes[edit]

Genesis 4:4[edit]

And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:

Genesis 4:4 Notes[edit]

See 4:5 note below.

Genesis 4:5[edit]

But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.

Genesis 4:5 Notes[edit]

No clear reason is given as to why Abel's offering (slaughtered baby animals) is good, but Cain's offering ("fruit of the ground") is bad, especially when God specifically told Adam he would eat the fruit of the ground. But the implication is that vegans are bad and carnies good!

Genesis 4:6[edit]

And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?

Genesis 4:6 Notes[edit]

Maybe because, as the previous verse says, Cain received no respect for his offering? That would offend most people.

Genesis 4:7[edit]

If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.

Genesis 4:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 4:8[edit]

And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.

Genesis 4:8 Notes[edit]

First murder in the Bible.

Genesis 4:9[edit]

And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?

Genesis 4:9 Notes[edit]

Cain's "I know not: Am I my brother's keeper" question is quite odd. He's talking to God. Shouldn't his response question be: "Whadda ya asking me for? Don't you know where Abel is? Aren't you God?"

Of course the point here is that Cain is deliberately lying to God, and this is a BAD THING. Oddly enough God won't smite him like he does to most of the people who will lie to him in the future. Cain has to go wandering, but he'll eventually find a wife and live to a ripe old age - not a bad outcome for a liar and murderer. Compare this to poor old Achan in Joshua 7, who fails to donate some silver coins he found, which result in him (along with all his children) getting stoned to death and their corpses burned.

Genesis 4:10[edit]

And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground.

Genesis 4:10 Notes[edit]

Please, please take this verse metaphorically!

Genesis 4:11[edit]

And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand;

Genesis 4:11 Notes[edit]

Again "cursed from the earth" sounds pretty bad, but as it turns out all that happened was he moved to the land of Nod. Sure, we don't know exactly where Nod was, but it seems that it was in the general area - it wasn't like Cain had to move to Argentina or something.

Genesis 4:12[edit]

When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.

Genesis 4:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 4:13[edit]

And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear.

Genesis 4:13 Notes[edit]

Genesis 4:14[edit]

Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.

Genesis 4:14 Notes[edit]

Why is Cain worried about human retribution here? At this point, the entire human population is down to three people. (Okay, four, if you count whoever to become his childbearer woman wife)

Also see the notes to 4:11 above. "Driven... from the face of this earth" turns out to actually mean "forced to move to the next county".

Genesis 4:15[edit]

And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.

Genesis 4:15 Notes[edit]

There are many problems that arise from this verse.

Who is going to find him? Aren't there only three people alive in the world at the moment? Furthermore as Adam and Eve are probably perfectly capable of recognizing their own son, why the mark?

If one assumes there actually are other people somewhere, how will any of them know what the mark means? Is random murder such a common problem that Cain needed to be officially excluded in this way?

Genesis 4:16[edit]

And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.

Genesis 4:16 Notes[edit]

What the hell? Suddenly it seems we have a brand new land called Nod, possibly populated by people who got there somehow.

Meanwhile Cain doesn't seem to properly grasp what being a "fugitive and a vagabond" actually means, as he seems to have settled down fairly promptly.

Genesis 4:17[edit]

And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.

Genesis 4:17 Notes[edit]

Cain's wife: So here Cain gets a wife. But where did she come from?

Either Nod was inhabited by people who already lived there (and were thus not the children of Adam and Eve), or Cain hooked up with a daughter of Adam and Eve, meaning he married his full-blood sister. The Mormons believe that Cain actually married one of his brother's daughters (ie. a niece)... although that still doesn't explain who the niece's mother was. (At the time incest was best it seems).

Basically it is far from clear where all these other people originate from (Cain's wife, the people he is afraid of, etc.) and doesn't seem to make sense for them all to be brothers and sisters. The continuity between the story of Adam and Eve, and that of Cain and Abel, is rather tenuous, and this is is one of the strongest indications that the early chapters of Genesis are just a collection of allegorical and moral tales, each with its own message, but not necessarily part of one great story.

City of Enoch: This verse also gives us the very first city in human history, named after Cain's firstborn. This city, despite its incredible historical significance, never gets mentioned again anywhere in the entire Bible. Which is a shame, because it would have been nice to know who lived in this city apart from Cain, his wife and his infant son. As a sidenote, this is the first Enoch, another one will get born later, and who is apparently still alive.

Genesis 4:18[edit]

And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech.

Genesis 4:18 Notes[edit]

Either Enoch was a hermaphrodite with self-reproductive capabilities, or there are some more unidentified women lurking somewhere. Apparently, women are not important enough to be given explanations for their sudden existences.

Genesis 4:19[edit]

And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.

Genesis 4:19 Notes[edit]

The first explicit mention of polygamy in the Bible. The wives actually have names this time, although (yet again) there is no explanation of where they came from.

Genesis 4:20[edit]

And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle.

Genesis 4:20 Notes[edit]

In a manner eerily similar to other ancient mythology, Genesis names the progenitors of nomadic shepherds, musicians and metalworkers.

Genesis 4:21[edit]

And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.

Genesis 4:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis 4:22[edit]

And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain, an instructor of every artificer in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah.

Genesis 4:22 Notes[edit]

The reference to iron is yet another anachronism: smelted iron tools only became popular in Mesopotamia around 1500 BC, or long after the Ussher date of the flood. Earlier iron artifacts were made from meteoritic iron.

Naamah is the first female in the Bible whose birth is directly acknowledged.

Genesis 4:23[edit]

And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.

Genesis 4:23 Notes[edit]

Whoa! Lamech comes on home and tells his wives he just killed somebody. Wow, the punishment that is coming will be huge!

Genesis 4:24[edit]

If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold.

Genesis 4:24 Notes[edit]

Or not. Lamech's punishment for murder is zilch - God doesn't even notice/care apparently. Meanwhile Lamech proudly announces that anyone who seeks vengeance on him will get it eleven times worse than anyone who tried to punish Cain.

I seriously need to get the name of Lamech's lawyer.

Genesis 4:25[edit]

And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.

Genesis 4:25 Notes[edit]

The timeline is a bit fuzzy here, but the next chapter states that Adam was 130 years old when he knocked up Eve again. Go Adam!

Genesis 4:26[edit]

And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the LORD.

Genesis 4:26 Notes[edit]

Yeah, yeah, Seth found another mystery woman for a wife.

Meanwhile, this verse seems to be saying people had forgotten about God pretty intensely in the preceding 235 or so years. God didn't seem too fazed by that, which is kind of good, judging by how psychotic becomes later at the slightest hint of disrespect.

Genesis Chapter 5 (Boring genealogies, Part 1)[edit]

Genesis 5:1[edit]

This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him;

Genesis 5:1 Notes[edit]

This starts the genealogy listed in the Bible, following the other religious figures. Note that the ages listed in the Bible imply that the individuals lives to around 800 years in a generation, compared to the modern life expectancies that aren't known to often exceed 120.

Genesis 5:2[edit]

Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.

Genesis 5:2 Notes[edit]

Apparently they were all called Adam.

Genesis 5:3[edit]

And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth:

Genesis 5:3 Notes[edit]

Adam was 130 years old when Seth was born.

Genesis 5:4[edit]

And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters:

Genesis 5:4 Notes[edit]

Yay, finally some girls are born. We're still left with the vexing problem of who were the mothers of all the children born prior to now.

Genesis 5:5[edit]

And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died.

Genesis 5:5 Notes[edit]

And all that nine hundred and thirty years he never manages to pass down the essentials of enjoying such longevity (Maybe the Global flood did destroy it).

The general argument from apologists is that prior to the flood humanity had much longer life spans. The idea that before the Fall we had longer lifespans is plausible (in context at least), and it is claimed some accumulated fallen-ness gradually deceased people's lifespans until they were in line with what we would expect of actual humans.

Some have argued that there was a mistranslation of the Hebrew and this number actually represents 930 lunar months, which puts Adam's age at a far more plausible 75 or so. It is believed a similar system, along with a complex non-decimal numeric system, is responsible for the Sumerian kings before the flood in the original myth having a combined age of almost a quarter of a million years. While elsewhere there are references to other people siring children at the tender age of 35 (which in lunar month terms is only three years), but it is very well-known that the Pentateuch has at least four distinct authors, so it is entirely within reason that some would count the age in lunar months and then later writers come along and make additions in solar years, explaining the discrepancy.

Also in case you forgot, Adam was supposed to die after eating from the tree of Good and Evil. Some apologists have argued that he did receive the assigned punishment, because he would have lived forever if he had not eaten the fruit and remained in the Garden of Eden. However if that is so, what was the tree of "Eternal Life" (the other tree mentioned in Genesis 2:9) for?

One thing that Christianity dislikes addressing is where all of the early Biblical figures went after they died. Since it would be thousands of years until Jesus was born, the only real option is they went to Hell. It is worth noting that Dante Alighieri found this thought so odious that in Canto IV of the Inferno he specifically sent a mighty angel down there to go and get some of them.

Genesis 5:6[edit]

And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos:

Genesis 5:6 Notes[edit]

It took Seth this long to get his wife pregnant with his first son, Enos. Suggested explanations:

  • Seth receives really good abstinence education from God.
  • Seth has really advanced contraceptive technologies but the global flood destroyed it.
  • Seth is so unpopular with the ladies (which are probably his sisters or nieces anyway) that it take him this long to get a woman to like him enough to have sex with him.

Similar explanations apply for almost everyone in the lineage mentioned.

But if you're keeping track, Adam is 235 years old at this point.

Genesis 5:7[edit]

And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters:

Genesis 5:7 Notes[edit]

This is pretty much how the rest of Chapter Five is going to go. Feel free to skip to the end, everyone else does.

Genesis 5:8[edit]

And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years: and he died.

Genesis 5:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:9[edit]

And Enos lived ninety years, and begat Cainan:

Genesis 5:9 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:10[edit]

And Enos lived after he begat Cainan eight hundred and fifteen years, and begat sons and daughters:

Genesis 5:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:11[edit]

And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years: and he died.

Genesis 5:11 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:12[edit]

And Cainan lived seventy years and begat Mahalaleel:

Genesis 5:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:13[edit]

And Cainan lived after he begat Mahalaleel eight hundred and forty years, and begat sons and daughters:

Genesis 5:13 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:14[edit]

And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years: and he died.

Genesis 5:14 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:15[edit]

And Mahalaleel lived sixty and five years, and begat Jared:

Genesis 5:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:16[edit]

And Mahalaleel lived after he begat Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters:

Genesis 5:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:17[edit]

And all the days of Mahalaleel were eight hundred ninety and five years: and he died.

Genesis 5:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:18[edit]

And Jared lived an hundred sixty and two years, and he begat Enoch:

Genesis 5:18 Notes[edit]

This is the second Enoch.

Genesis 5:19[edit]

And Jared lived after he begat Enoch eight hundred years, and begat sons and daughters:

Genesis 5:19 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:20[edit]

And all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty and two years: and he died.

Genesis 5:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:21[edit]

And Enoch lived sixty and five years, and begat Methuselah:

Genesis 5:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:22[edit]

And Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters:

Genesis 5:22 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:23[edit]

And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years:

Genesis 5:23 Notes[edit]

Unlike other pre-flood individuals mentioned by name, Enoch lasted only 400 years compared to the parents (and thus, Jared must have watched his son die but at least have a grandson.)

Genesis 5:24[edit]

And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

Genesis 5:24 Notes[edit]

Enoch did not die. The Lord took him. This implies that Enoch is still alive in Heaven with God, making him the oldest living person named in the Bible.

Genesis 5:25[edit]

And Methuselah lived an hundred eighty and seven years, and begat Lamech.

Genesis 5:25 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:26[edit]

And Methuselah lived after he begat Lamech seven hundred eighty and two years, and begat sons and daughters:

Genesis 5:26 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:27[edit]

And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died.

Genesis 5:27 Notes[edit]

Methuselah is, besides the possible exception of Enoch, the longest living human in the Bible, although it isn't explained why God was so ok with him living so long. The general idea is that he died either the year of the flood or a little while before. Of course, for all the attention Methuselah gets for his longevity, he wasn't really that special since he lived only marginally longer than other early Biblical figures like Adam.

Genesis 5:28[edit]

And Lamech lived an hundred eighty and two years, and begat a son:

Genesis 5:28 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:29[edit]

And he called his name Noah, saying, This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands, because of the ground which the LORD hath cursed.

Genesis 5:29 Notes[edit]

The curse is probably a reference to 3:17. Noah's name apparently means or shares a root with the word for rest.[4] It seems to me that basically the parents are saying oh good a child let's put him to work so we don't have to work as hard. In an era before child labor laws more kids meant more farm labor.

Genesis 5:30[edit]

And Lamech lived after he begat Noah five hundred ninety and five years, and begat sons and daughters:

Genesis 5:30 Notes[edit]

Genesis 5:31[edit]

And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred seventy and seven years: and he died.

Genesis 5:31 Notes[edit]

At this point, 1057 years passed since the birth creation of Adam, or 127 years since his death. Combined with at least 600 years that Noah took before the great flood, it basically requires squeezing most of human history into the period following 2400 BCE if you take a simple guess that the Earth is only ~6000 years old (the current year + 4000).

Also of note is the age of which Lamech died - 777 years. It is parallel with Genesis 4:24, where Lamech notes that Cain was avenged sevenfold, and Lamech seventy-seven fold. Despite them being two different people, that name has an odd affinity for the number seven, and indicates that that age of death in multi-generational pre-history was purposely chosen by the author.

Genesis 5:32[edit]

And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

Genesis 5:32 Notes[edit]

Noah, one of the prophets, never manages to tell his followers (which should also be his offsprings/wives given the Global Flood) how to live for five hundred years, or even half as long. The goat definitely ate the secret and whoever kept the goat patched up the scripture in Genesis 6:3.

For those interested, the genealogy continues at Genesis 9:28

Genesis Chapter 6 (Everyone must drown! Part 1)[edit]

Genesis 6:1[edit]

And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,

Genesis 6:1 Notes[edit]

Genesis 6:2[edit]

That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

Genesis 6:2 Notes[edit]

Who or what are "the Sons of God"?

There are endless arguments over what this actually means, there's even an entire Wikipedia article.

This also runs into trouble much later, in the New Testament, where the Gospel of John (specifically John 3:16) refers to Jesus as God's only begotten son.

Genesis 6:3[edit]

And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.

Genesis 6:3 Notes[edit]

The age limit is 120 years, but Genesis 11:10 and beyond still shows people lasting longer than that. A short life for humans, except when plot demands otherwise. Also, much more closely and much more provably, Jeanne Calment died after the age of 122.

Genesis 6:4[edit]

There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.

Genesis 6:4 Notes[edit]

See PZ Myers Pharyngula threads re.: Giants and Dwarfs(sic)


Translations other than the KJV have this differently. But based on the King James Only view that's what we're talking about here. ("Nephilim" is claimed by others to mean "fallen" - whatever that may mean in context - and is left untranslated in new English translations.)


Genesis 6:5[edit]

And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

Genesis 6:5 Notes[edit]

The nature of the wickedness is not explained. As the Mosaic law has not yet even begun to be passed down, there are no official rules getting broken, unless everyone is breaking into the Garden of Eden and eating from the Tree of Knowledge just to piss God off, which really says more of the incompetence of the cherubim and seraphim guarding Eden than anything else.

Genesis 6:6[edit]

And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

Genesis 6:6 Notes[edit]

This is Pentateuch God not being omniscient, since otherwise He would have known this would happen. It also contradicts assertions that God is perfect for Him to regret His actions (or to create fifteen thousand species of trilobites and then just kill all of them).

Genesis 6:7[edit]

And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.

Genesis 6:7 Notes[edit]

See Examples of God personally killing people

In this verse, God didn't like the result of his own creations. This implies he is either not Omniscient or that Omniscience doesn't extend to the consequences of His own actions.

Genesis 6:8[edit]

But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.

Genesis 6:8 Notes[edit]

Why? If the Bible was intended as a moral guide, some clarification as to what all the bad people were doing wrong and what was so damn nifty about Noah might be useful.

Genesis 6:9[edit]

These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.

Genesis 6:9 Notes[edit]

OK, I give. Why?

Genesis 6:10[edit]

And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

Genesis 6:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 6:11[edit]

The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.

Genesis 6:11 Notes[edit]

Here's a fun party game: How many other "families" can you name that believed they were also in the same situation?

Genesis 6:12[edit]

And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.

Genesis 6:12 Notes[edit]

Following the logic, the flesh had corrupted the Earth because of the tree that God himself made available to Adam way back when. Perhaps rather than blaming humanity, God might have thought "Hmmm, in hindsight, that tree was a bit of a cock-up".

Genesis 6:13[edit]

And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

Genesis 6:13 Notes[edit]

God is bothered by the violence in the world, so he resorts to violence to end it.

It should be noted that in every other version of this tale, the God that wants to destroy mankind and the one that gives the warning to the Noah figure are different people.

Genesis 6:14[edit]

Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.

Genesis 6:14 Notes[edit]

This starts an interesting and totally coincidental theme where it seems God can make anything man can't make, but He can't make anything man can make, such as a boat, a temple or the Tabernacle, or fine garments for His priests. Just like it would be if God were completely imaginary, oddly enough.

Fun fact a quick google search for "gopher wood" reveals no one is 100% sure what kind of wood is being referred to here. The Hebrew is just the consonants g-p-r and it is somewhat unlikely the ancient Israelites had a word for an animal which is from North America; the most likely translation is "cypress" based on the similar letters used.

It is also good advice to pitch it with pitch, I guess God is just making sure Noah doesn't try to pitch it with peanut butter or something.

Genesis 6:15[edit]

And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.

Genesis 6:15 Notes[edit]

This would make it the largest wooden ship ever constructed by a considerable margin, and would be physically impossible without metal bracing, which is never mentioned. Where the hell he's going to find all this cypress wood when he lives in Iraq is also not mentioned: Iraq does have forests in the Northeastern mountains, but the main trees are oak and willow, not cypress.

Genesis 6:16[edit]

A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.

Genesis 6:16 Notes[edit]

At this point, Noah must've said: "Do you think I wouldn't have a door, man? I'm not a fucking idiot, mate."

Genesis 6:17[edit]

And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.

Genesis 6:17 Notes[edit]

For more details see Global flood.

Genesis 6:18[edit]

But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.

Genesis 6:18 Notes[edit]

According to the genealogy, Methuselah and Lamech are still alive, and will last 100 more years. However, since the flood occurred 1657 years after Adam's birth, and Methuselah died only 1656 years after Adam's birth (Lamech dying 5 years earlier), they don't need to enter the ark.

Genesis 6:19[edit]

And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.

Genesis 6:19 Notes[edit]

Compare Gen. 7:2, which has different instructions for "clean" animals. One would also question where Noah was supposed to find a male New Mexico whiptail lizard.

Note also God requests "two of every sort," not of every "kind," so your KJV-only baraminologists are screwed here.

Also, why go through all this rigmarole when God could just create all the animals again? Is this perhaps from an older story where this wasn't the same God that created them in the first place? (spoilers: yes)

Genesis 6:20[edit]

Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.

Genesis 6:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 6:21[edit]

And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.

Genesis 6:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis 6:22[edit]

Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

Genesis 6:22 Notes[edit]

Yep, we did the whole thing of listing everything a character needs to do and then ending with "and so he did." No idea how this 600 year old uneducated man living in modern-day Iraq found all this wood or all these animals or got all this DIY built, he just did.

Genesis Chapter 7 (Everyone must drown! Part 2)[edit]

Genesis 7:1[edit]

And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.

Genesis 7:1 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:2[edit]

Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.

Genesis 7:2 Notes[edit]

This may be a retrospective correction of Gen. 6:19.

If you want to take a small sample of a species (or "kind") and be able to repopulate that species fairly rapidly later on, seven specimens is a pretty good number. With only one pair, population renewal could only take place at the rate of the female's gestation, and there would be too high a risk of one of the animals dying before reproduction, or being infertile. But with, say, five females and two males, the rate of repopulation would be much quicker, and there would be a spare male in case of problems. Perhaps extinction risks were not such a concern with the "unclean" beasts.

The surplus "clean" animals would become useful in Gen. 8:20. Of course, this rule greatly multiplies the problems Noah and his family would have feeding and taken care of all the millions of species on their boat.

It's not actually clear here what distinguishes "clean" from "unclean" animals. It is usually presumed that the unclean animals are the ones not considered kosher (e.g. pigs, weasels). However, the food rules aren't laid out until much later, in the Torah books: Leviticus and Deuteronomy.

Genesis 7:3[edit]

Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

Genesis 7:3 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:4[edit]

For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.

Genesis 7:4 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:5[edit]

And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.

Genesis 7:5 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:6[edit]

And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.

Genesis 7:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:7[edit]

And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.

Genesis 7:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:8[edit]

Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,

Genesis 7:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:9[edit]

There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.

Genesis 7:9 Notes[edit]

This verse contradicts Gen 7:2-3, where there were seven of every clean animal and fowl. See Number of each "kind" on Noah's Ark.

Genesis 7:10[edit]

And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.

Genesis 7:10 Notes[edit]

The flood starts on day 8.

Genesis 7:11[edit]

In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.

Genesis 7:11 Notes[edit]

Okay bible, you don't have to be so specific on what day of his life it happened... we get, he's old as all hell.

Genesis 7:12[edit]

And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

Genesis 7:12 Notes[edit]

Next starts day 48.

Genesis 7:13[edit]

In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;

Genesis 7:13 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:14[edit]

They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.

Genesis 7:14 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:15[edit]

And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.

Genesis 7:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:16[edit]

And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.

Genesis 7:16 Notes[edit]

Note the two different names for god in one sentence, "Elohim" and "YHWH". Two different names, two different gods, clearly a sign that these are two distinct stories that have been intertwined by a single editor.

Genesis 7:17[edit]

And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.

Genesis 7:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:18[edit]

And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.

Genesis 7:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:19[edit]

And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.

Genesis 7:19 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:20[edit]

Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.

Genesis 7:20 Notes[edit]

A cubit is generally standardized as eighteen inches - fifteen cubits is less than 25 feet. Unless the verse is talking about the distance above the mountains the waters "prevailed," these are some very small mountains. In actuality this may have been a real flood that affected Shurupakk, Kish, and the surrounding areas: a flood of 25ft would be sufficient to do this.

Genesis 7:21[edit]

And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:

Genesis 7:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis 7:22[edit]

All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

Genesis 7:22 Notes[edit]

The "breath of life" and verse 8:11 shows that the authors of Genesis did not consider plants to be alive in the same sense as animals. It's also rather questionable what happened to animals without nostrils.

Genesis 7:23[edit]

And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.

Genesis 7:23 Notes[edit]

What on earth is "the fowl of the heaven" and how does it die through drowning?

Genesis 7:24[edit]

And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.

Genesis 7:24 Notes[edit]

Next starts day 151. If you add 150 days to the counter, you'd end up with day 198, which conflicts with Gen. 8:4.

Genesis Chapter 8 (Everyone (except Noah) is now dead. Thanks God.)[edit]

Genesis 8:1[edit]

And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged;

Genesis 8:1 Notes[edit]

"God remembered Noah" may also imply that God is not omniscient.

Genesis 8:2[edit]

The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;

Genesis 8:2 Notes[edit]

"Fountains also of the deep" lead some people to create a hydroplate theory.

But if you're one of three people who still read The Bible literally, you might expect that the rains were stopped at this point instead of day 48.

Genesis 8:3[edit]

And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.

Genesis 8:3 Notes[edit]

This described the same event as Genesis 7:23, and we're still on day 151.

Genesis 8:4[edit]

And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.

Genesis 8:4 Notes[edit]

Mountains of Ararat refers to a general region. In Syrian and Quaranic tradition, the specific landing point is on Mount Judi, found in Turkey (but near Syria). To add a bit of confusion, Turkey also has a Mount Ararat as well, which is closer to Georgia (and was once part of Russia).

Also, 5 months passed since Gen 7:12.

Genesis 8:5[edit]

And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.

Genesis 8:5 Notes[edit]

From the timing shown in Gen 7:11, eight and a half months passed.

Genesis 8:6[edit]

And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:

Genesis 8:6 Notes[edit]

8.5 months plus 40 days.

Genesis 8:7[edit]

And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.

Genesis 8:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 8:8[edit]

Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;

Genesis 8:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 8:9[edit]

But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.

Genesis 8:9 Notes[edit]

Gen 8:5 said that tops of the mountains were already visible. Did the clock turn back to before 8.5 months?

Genesis 8:10[edit]

And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;

Genesis 8:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 8:11[edit]

And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.

Genesis 8:11 Notes[edit]

Either trees aren't "living things" (7:23) and hence didn't die along with everything else, or they somehow regrew at an astonishing speed.

Genesis 8:12[edit]

And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.

Genesis 8:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 8:13[edit]

And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.

Genesis 8:13 Notes[edit]

Noah is 601 years old now.

Genesis 8:14[edit]

And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.

Genesis 8:14 Notes[edit]

Net time of the flood was just over about 1 year, before everything returned to normal.

To survive that long, you need to store or harvest 1 year's worth of food for 8 people, along with the millions of species aboard the Ark. Not taking into account the time spent after the flood. Crops aren't ready for harvest at this time, and all plants on land would be dead and decayed. And salted!

Genesis 8:15[edit]

And God spake unto Noah, saying,

Genesis 8:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 8:16[edit]

Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.

Genesis 8:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis 8:17[edit]

Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.

Genesis 8:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 8:18[edit]

And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:

Genesis 8:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis 8:19[edit]

Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.

Genesis 8:19 Notes[edit]

How did the kangaroos and platypi get to Australia?

Genesis 8:20[edit]

And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.

Genesis 8:20 Notes[edit]

If there's just two of each animal, such a sacrifice would nullify the purpose behind bringing them on the ark. This is not a problem with Genesis 7:2, where the seven animals were taken, and the 7th animal is a spare.

Of course, we're down a dove and a raven at this point, as they never returned.

Genesis 8:21[edit]

And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.

Genesis 8:21 Notes[edit]

This verse and 6:5 states that humans are generally evil. Since humans are evil per 6:5, God decides to destroy all living things, but in this verse, humans are evil so God decides not to destroy all living things.

Even though God promised to never curse the ground again or destroy all living beings, there's still loopholes that permit destroying everything within a small area, or smiting creatures one at a time. Literalists like to argue this is specifically saying He will not destroy mankind the same way as He did this time, to get around His hulking out and getting ready to kill everyone again in Exodus 32:10.

Genesis 8:22[edit]

While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.

Genesis 8:22 Notes[edit]

This verse states that there won't be any worldwide apocalypse any time soon - aside from just wiping out all humans and keeping everything else alive.

There is a reference to 'seedtime and harvest', but no mention of Noah taking any grain to sow after the flood (which of course would be over and above an entire year's supply of foodstuffs for 8 humans and millions of animals).

Genesis Chapter 9 (God promises to stop being such a bastard. Noah gets drunk and naked.)[edit]

Genesis 9:1[edit]

And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.

Genesis 9:1 Notes[edit]

9:1-3 are essentially identical to 1:28, indicating either a renewal of the covenant, or that Genesis 1 covered everything up to Noah without saying so. Like 1:28, many Christians, including Roman Catholics, use this verse to justify their opposition to contraception.

Genesis 9:2[edit]

And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.

Genesis 9:2 Notes[edit]

All animals will now be scared of people. Nice. Unfortunately, animals in remote areasWikipedia's W.svg like Emperor Penguins, Kakapos, Dodos, and others and big scary animals like polar bears, tigers, great white sharks haven't gotten the memo.

Genesis 9:3[edit]

Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

Genesis 9:3 Notes[edit]

Apparently up until now everyone was a vegetarian. Don't ask us about the mammoths.

This also discards the clean-unclean distinction God clearly made to Noah in explaining how to stock the Ark (though that distinction is itself suspect at this point, as noted earlier, since what makes an animal clean or unclean won't be explained until much later). But yes, it's another hint that this is a story invented for later people rather than a faithful retelling of literal history.

Genesis 9:4[edit]

But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.

Genesis 9:4 Notes[edit]

Huh?

Genesis 9:5[edit]

And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.

Genesis 9:5 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:6[edit]

Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.

Genesis 9:6 Notes[edit]

Unless Cain or Lamech does the shedding. Or one of the many, many other people who will end up spilling blood on God's orders.

Genesis 9:7[edit]

And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.

Genesis 9:7 Notes[edit]

God seriously is worried about humanity going extinct, a problem he created at this point. Shouldn't everyone have got the point by now though?

Genesis 9:8[edit]

And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,

Genesis 9:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:9[edit]

And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;

Genesis 9:9 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:10[edit]

And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.

Genesis 9:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:11[edit]

And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.

Genesis 9:11 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:12[edit]

And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:

Genesis 9:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:13[edit]

I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.

Genesis 9:13 Notes[edit]

Gay flag.svgGay flag.svgGay flag.svgGay flag.svgGay flag.svg

So, there were no rainbows before now? Either there was no rain or atmospheric water vapor in the previous centuries, or God always made sure the conditions needed for rainbows never occurred, or God somehow modified the refractive properties of light and/or water just to make a point. Or, maybe, this is a prescientific attempt to explain rainbows?

Genesis 9:14[edit]

And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:

Genesis 9:14 Notes[edit]

Except when it isn't, which is most of the time.

Genesis 9:15[edit]

And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.

Genesis 9:15 Notes[edit]

This is read as meaning he isn't going to kill everyone with water again to get around the continued existence of floods, tsunamis, etc.

Genesis 9:16[edit]

And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.

Genesis 9:16 Notes[edit]

Did God really just say he needs a rainbow to remind himself that he promised not to kill everyone again?

Genesis 9:17[edit]

And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.

Genesis 9:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:18[edit]

And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.

Genesis 9:18 Notes[edit]

Ham, the son of Noah, is the father of Canaan. Park that little fact in your memory for when you get to the Book of Joshua. I don't want to spoil the story, but it doesn't pan out very well for the Canaanites.

Genesis 9:19[edit]

These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.

Genesis 9:19 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:20[edit]

And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:

Genesis 9:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:21[edit]

And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.

Genesis 9:21 Notes[edit]

Noah pioneered the tradition of God's chosen righteous men celebrating God's grace by getting drunk and naked. The pattern continues later with Lot in Genesis 19:33.

Genesis 9:22[edit]

And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.

Genesis 9:22 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:23[edit]

And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.

Genesis 9:23 Notes[edit]

This verse highlights the Bible's obsession with nakedness. It makes it clear that the wrongful act of Ham was not that he went and told everyone that his father had exhibitionist tendencies while wasted, it was that he simply saw his father naked.

Genesis 9:24[edit]

And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.

Genesis 9:24 Notes[edit]

So just so you understand, Ham accidentally saw his drunken father naked. This seemingly trivial action will eventually lead to the deaths of literally thousands of people.

Genesis 9:25[edit]

And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.

Genesis 9:25 Notes[edit]

This is the passage that was used to justify beginning the African slave trade despite the earlier abolition of slavery in Europe. See Curse of Ham.

By the end of this there is yet another curse and the flood, as will become very evident within a few chapters, achieved absolutely nothing except inundating an entire planet.

And just to compare to other local variants of this myth: Xisuthrus, the Sumerian Noah, was taken to the dwelling place of the gods as soon as his Ark landed. In the Epic of Gilgamesh, Utnapishtim, the Babylonian Noah, was rewarded with immortality, like the Gods.

Noah got fuck-all and became a naked old drunk cursing his own kids.

Genesis 9:26[edit]

And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

Genesis 9:26 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:27[edit]

God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

Genesis 9:27 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:28[edit]

And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.

Genesis 9:28 Notes[edit]

Genesis 9:29[edit]

And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.

Genesis 9:29 Notes[edit]

Remember Genesis 6:3? 120 years and all that?

Genesis Chapter 10 (Boring genealogies, Part 2)[edit]

Genesis 10:1[edit]

Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth: and unto them were sons born after the flood.

Genesis 10:1 Notes[edit]

This entire chapter is genealogy. The next event is in Genesis 11:1.

Genesis 10:2[edit]

The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras.

Genesis 10:2 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:3[edit]

And the sons of Gomer; Ashkenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah.

Genesis 10:3 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:4[edit]

And the sons of Javan; Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.

Genesis 10:4 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:5[edit]

By these were the isles of the Gentiles divided in their lands; every one after his tongue, after their families, in their nations.

Genesis 10:5 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:6[edit]

And the sons of Ham; Cush, and Mizraim, and Phut, and Canaan.

Genesis 10:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:7[edit]

And the sons of Cush; Seba, and Havilah, and Sabtah, and Raamah, and Sabtechah: and the sons of Raamah; Sheba, and Dedan.

Genesis 10:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:8[edit]

And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth.

Genesis 10:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:9[edit]

He was a mighty hunter before the LORD: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD.

Genesis 10:9 Notes[edit]

This is the origin of this word. The fact that Nimrod's name became an insult appears to have largely been based on Bugs Bunny mockingly referring to Elmer Fudd this way in 1940s cartoons.

Genesis 10:10[edit]

And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, and Erech, and Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar.

Genesis 10:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:11[edit]

Out of that land went forth Asshur, and builded Nineveh, and the city Rehoboth, and Calah,

Genesis 10:11 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:12[edit]

And Resen between Nineveh and Calah: the same is a great city.

Genesis 10:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:13[edit]

And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim,

Genesis 10:13 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:14[edit]

And Pathrusim, and Casluhim, (out of whom came Philistim,) and Caphtorim.

Genesis 10:14 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:15[edit]

And Canaan begat Sidon his first born, and Heth,

Genesis 10:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:16[edit]

And the Jebusite, and the Amorite, and the Girgasite,

Genesis 10:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:17[edit]

And the Hivite, and the Arkite, and the Sinite,

Genesis 10:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:18[edit]

And the Arvadite, and the Zemarite, and the Hamathite: and afterward were the families of the Canaanites spread abroad.

Genesis 10:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:19[edit]

And the border of the Canaanites was from Sidon, as thou comest to Gerar, unto Gaza; as thou goest, unto Sodom, and Gomorrah, and Admah, and Zeboim, even unto Lasha.

Genesis 10:19 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:20[edit]

These are the sons of Ham, after their families, after their tongues, in their countries, and in their nations.

Genesis 10:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:21[edit]

Unto Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the brother of Japheth the elder, even to him were children born.

Genesis 10:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:22[edit]

The children of Shem; Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram.

Genesis 10:22 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:23[edit]

And the children of Aram; Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and Mash.

Genesis 10:23 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:24[edit]

And Arphaxad begat Salah; and Salah begat Eber.

Genesis 10:24 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:25[edit]

And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother's name was Joktan.

Genesis 10:25 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:26[edit]

And Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazarmaveth, and Jerah,

Genesis 10:26 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:27[edit]

And Hadoram, and Uzal, and Diklah,

Genesis 10:27 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:28[edit]

And Obal, and Abimael, and Sheba,

Genesis 10:28 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:29[edit]

And Ophir, and Havilah, and Jobab: all these were the sons of Joktan.

Genesis 10:29 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:30[edit]

And their dwelling was from Mesha, as thou goest unto Sephar a mount of the east.

Genesis 10:30 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:31[edit]

These are the sons of Shem, after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations.

Genesis 10:31 Notes[edit]

Genesis 10:32[edit]

These are the families of the sons of Noah, after their generations, in their nations: and by these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood.

Genesis 10:32 Notes[edit]

Genesis Chapter 11 (Communication is bad, mmkay? Plus Boring genealogies, Part 3)[edit]

Genesis 11:1[edit]

And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech.

Genesis 11:1 Notes[edit]

See also Tower of Babel

Interestingly, as we shall see in the verses to come, this is seen as a bad thing.

This verse directly contradicts Gen 10:5, 10:20 and even 10:31, which was only two verses earlier. The YEC date of the Flood means it also contradicts history, since we have records of at least six languages existing before it is supposed to have happened.

Genesis 11:2[edit]

And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there.

Genesis 11:2 Notes[edit]

Who is this "they" that are journeying from the east?

Genesis 11:3[edit]

And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter.

Genesis 11:3 Notes[edit]

Yes slime. Apparently it is also the name of a type of clay mixed with pitch.

Genesis 11:4[edit]

And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.

Genesis 11:4 Notes[edit]

Today, their behavior is interpreted as "hubris," or false pride. This is probably because God is the jealous type, and he will only tolerate monuments that are in his honor.

Genesis 11:5[edit]

And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded.

Genesis 11:5 Notes[edit]

Another case of the non-omniscient Pentateuch God, since He must go down in order to see something.

Genesis 11:6[edit]

And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.

Genesis 11:6 Notes[edit]

Like in the Genesis story, God is shown as a figure like Zeus who fears man will someday exceed Him. This shows a very different conception of God to the later Bible.

Genesis 11:7[edit]

Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech.

Genesis 11:7 Notes[edit]

Presumably "us" refers to God and his angels, although it is also possible that this line is a vestigial remain from when this story featured numerous gods instead of one.

Despite this verse, there is much less resistance to claims that languages evolved over time. Namely, achievements have still been made in spite of current language barriers (countered by bilingualism), and we have constructed much larger towers since Babel.

Genesis 11:8[edit]

So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city.

Genesis 11:8 Notes[edit]

So, let me get this straight: God doesn't want people to be united or work together communally? And we're supposed to worship this guy?

Genesis 11:9[edit]

Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

Genesis 11:9 Notes[edit]

One possible explanation for this tale is that the Marduk Ziggurat's construction begun under Hammurabi faltered as the Mesopotamian empire collapsed: with this, finances not only stopped the construction of the Ziggurat, but also forced the closure of schools teaching the first known syllabic language, Cuneiform. Within a couple of generations, nobody knew how to read the old language.

Genesis 11:10[edit]

These are the generations of Shem: Shem was an hundred years old, and begat Arphaxad two years after the flood:

Genesis 11:10 Notes[edit]

With a new genealogy starting, note the maximum age of these individuals begins to drop. They're still above 120 years, which is supposed to be a limit, according to Genesis 6:3.

Genesis 11:11[edit]

And Shem lived after he begat Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.

Genesis 11:11 Notes[edit]

Contradicts Genesis 6:3 as noted above.

Genesis 11:12[edit]

And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat Salah:

Genesis 11:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:13[edit]

And Arphaxad lived after he begat Salah four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.

Genesis 11:13 Notes[edit]

Contradicts Genesis 6:3 as noted above. (This will start to get repetitive).

Genesis 11:14[edit]

And Salah lived thirty years, and begat Eber:

Genesis 11:14 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:15[edit]

And Salah lived after he begat Eber four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.

Genesis 11:15 Notes[edit]

You guessed it, contradicts Genesis 6:3.

Genesis 11:16[edit]

And Eber lived four and thirty years, and begat Peleg:

Genesis 11:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:17[edit]

And Eber lived after he begat Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters.

Genesis 11:17 Notes[edit]

Doesn't contradict Genesis 6:3!

Nah, just kidding, it does.

Genesis 11:18[edit]

And Peleg lived thirty years, and begat Reu:

Genesis 11:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:19[edit]

And Peleg lived after he begat Reu two hundred and nine years, and begat sons and daughters.

Genesis 11:19 Notes[edit]

La de dah. Fill in the blanks yourself.

Genesis 11:20[edit]

And Reu lived two and thirty years, and begat Serug:

Genesis 11:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:21[edit]

And Reu lived after he begat Serug two hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters.

Genesis 11:21 Notes[edit]

Hmmm... I'm getting this weird rash, I wonder what it is?

Genesis 11:22[edit]

And Serug lived thirty years, and begat Nahor:

Genesis 11:22 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:23[edit]

And Serug lived after he begat Nahor two hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.

Genesis 11:23 Notes[edit]

Only two to go!

Genesis 11:24[edit]

And Nahor lived nine and twenty years, and begat Terah:

Genesis 11:24 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:25[edit]

And Nahor lived after he begat Terah an hundred and nineteen years, and begat sons and daughters.

Genesis 11:25 Notes[edit]

The second last and the youngest of them all at only 148 years... but still longer than the maximum 120 years God decreed back in Genesis 6:3.

Genesis 11:26[edit]

And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran.

Genesis 11:26 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:27[edit]

Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begat Lot.

Genesis 11:27 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:28[edit]

And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees.

Genesis 11:28 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:29[edit]

And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor's wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah.

Genesis 11:29 Notes[edit]

OK just a warning. For the next few chapters, we'll be hearing all about Abram and Sarai. Then in Chapter 17 God decides for some reason they need to be called Abraham and Sarah instead.

Genesis 11:30[edit]

But Sarai was barren; she had no child.

Genesis 11:30 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:31[edit]

And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son's son, and Sarai his daughter in law, his son Abram's wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there.

Genesis 11:31 Notes[edit]

Genesis 11:32[edit]

And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years: and Terah died in Haran.

Genesis 11:32 Notes[edit]

Given all the lineages above, the following people were still alive when Terah died:

  • Shem (73 years left)
  • Arphaxad (13 years left)
  • Salah (43 years left)
  • Eber (104 years left)

It must be strange for these people to watch their descendants die of old age before them.

Some good news, Terah is the last of the descendants of Noah who ignored God's decree about not living longer than 120 years.

Genesis Chapter 12 (Meet Abraham, a liar and a pimp)[edit]

Genesis 12:1[edit]

Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:

Genesis 12:1 Notes[edit]

Genesis 12:2[edit]

And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:

Genesis 12:2 Notes[edit]

Genesis 12:3[edit]

And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.

Genesis 12:3 Notes[edit]

Handy hint: Worship Abram/Abraham. God will fuck you up otherwise.

Genesis 12:4[edit]

So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.

Genesis 12:4 Notes[edit]

Genesis 12:5[edit]

And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.

Genesis 12:5 Notes[edit]

Genesis 12:6[edit]

And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.

Genesis 12:6 Notes[edit]

A recap: the Canaanites are descended from Ham, who is the son who accidentally saw his drunken, passed out father (Noah) naked.

Obviously, this makes them BAD people. Now just remember that - Canaanites are BAD. Try to forget WHY they are bad, just remember they are BAD. It will make the Book of Joshua much easier to get through.

Genesis 12:7[edit]

And the LORD appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him.

Genesis 12:7 Notes[edit]

"One of your great-great-uncles saw his daddy naked, so I'm giving your descendants all of this land".

Genesis 12:8[edit]

And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD.

Genesis 12:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 12:9[edit]

And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.

Genesis 12:9 Notes[edit]

Genesis 12:10[edit]

And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land.

Genesis 12:10 Notes[edit]

"Fuck all these starving people, I'm going on vacation."

Genesis 12:11[edit]

And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:

Genesis 12:11 Notes[edit]

Genesis 12:12[edit]

Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive.

Genesis 12:12 Notes[edit]

Based on the ages given elsewhere, Sarai/Sarah was 70 years old at this point. But apparently still way too foxy for the Egyptians to handle.

Genesis 12:13[edit]

Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.

Genesis 12:13 Notes[edit]

Sarai is technically Abram's sister, as will be revealed later.

Also note that it is clear that Abram/Abraham knows that Sarah is so smoking hot that Pharoah will take her for his own wife.

However, rather than explore viable alternatives like, say, not fucking going into Egypt in the first place, he tells her to lie and say she is his sister. This will not stop Pharoah at all, but it will stop the Egyptians from killing Abraham so as to make Sarah a widow.

Of course, when the nasty, murderous, evil Egyptians later learn the truth, they actually do nothing of the sort, and merely send Abraham on his way.

Genesis 12:14[edit]

And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.

Genesis 12:14 Notes[edit]

Genesis 12:15[edit]

The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house.

Genesis 12:15 Notes[edit]

Pharoah has a bit of a GILF thing going on, apparently.

Genesis 12:16[edit]

And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.

Genesis 12:16 Notes[edit]

So Abraham is not only lying about it being his wife and not his sister** with Pharoah, but he is cashing in to boot. What a guy.

In modern day language, this is known as "pimping".

(**Yeah, yeah. She technically IS his sister as well).

Genesis 12:17[edit]

And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife.

Genesis 12:17 Notes[edit]

This may be the Bible's only plague of plagues. How, exactly, is Pharoah the bad guy in this scenario?

Genesis 12:18[edit]

And Pharaoh called Abram and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?

Genesis 12:18 Notes[edit]

Pharoah has a pretty solid argument here.

Genesis 12:19[edit]

Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.

Genesis 12:19 Notes[edit]

So Pharoah, having just been severely fucked over by both Abraham AND God, simply (and rather graciously) says, "just take your wife and leave".

Fortunately, God will be back to fuck the evil Egyptians over plenty more, so don't fret.

Genesis 12:20[edit]

And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

Genesis 12:20 Notes[edit]

Which, given what just transpired, is more than fair.

Genesis Chapter 13 (Abram and Lot return filthy rich and God promises the human race to match Earth's dust in numbers. Also, tents.)[edit]

Genesis 13:1[edit]

And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south.

Genesis 13:1 Notes[edit]

Note that Lot is seen her traveling with Abram a d Sarai. This may be where he got some of his ideas about keeping it in the family as seen following the destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah, once his wife was conveniently out of the way.

Genesis 13:2[edit]

And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.

Genesis 13:2 Notes[edit]

Given that Abraham left "the land of famine" with not much, all this wealth must have come from his time in Egypt when he was pimping Sarah.

Alternatively, if he did have all these cattle when he was in the land of famine, this means he preferred to allow a whole bunch of people to starve to death rather than lose a few cows. Either way, there is really nothing to like about this guy.

Genesis 13:3[edit]

And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Hai;

Genesis 13:3 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:4[edit]

Unto the place of the altar, which he had make there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the LORD.

Genesis 13:4 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:5[edit]

And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents.

Genesis 13:5 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:6[edit]

And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together.

Genesis 13:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:7[edit]

And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram's cattle and the herdmen of Lot's cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land.

Genesis 13:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:8[edit]

And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren.

Genesis 13:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:9[edit]

Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.

Genesis 13:9 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:10[edit]

And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.

Genesis 13:10 Notes[edit]

The Bible is not above putting spoilers.

Genesis 13:11[edit]

Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other.

Genesis 13:11 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:12[edit]

Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom.

Genesis 13:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:13[edit]

But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly.

Genesis 13:13 Notes[edit]

We'll hear a lot more about Sodom later, including this "wicked and sinners" thing, but except for one incident it's not really explained. Don't hold your breath.

Genesis 13:14[edit]

And the LORD said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward:

Genesis 13:14 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:15[edit]

For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.

Genesis 13:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:16[edit]

And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.

Genesis 13:16 Notes[edit]

God expects Abram's seed to match the amount of dust we have on Earth.

Genesis 13:17[edit]

Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.

Genesis 13:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 13:18[edit]

Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the LORD.

Genesis 13:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis Chapter 14 (A bunch of kings suddenly fight each other and Abram is still an asshole)[edit]

Notice that Abram is suddenly a warrior badass instead of a wimp who pretends his wife is single so that he won't get killed.

Genesis 14:1[edit]

And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations;

Genesis 14:1 Notes[edit]

Suddenly, there are new nations the reader is forced to keep track of, making it even more of a sudden challenge to follow now.

Most believing Bible scholars consider Amraphel to be a corruption of "Hammurabi," and most young-Earth chronologies rest on this assumption. Secular linguists, archaeologists, and Assyriologists universally give this one a resounding "NO."

Genesis 14:2[edit]

That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar.

Genesis 14:2 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:3[edit]

All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea.

Genesis 14:3 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:4[edit]

Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled.

Genesis 14:4 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:5[edit]

And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim,

Genesis 14:5 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:6[edit]

And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness.

Genesis 14:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:7[edit]

And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar.

Genesis 14:7 Notes[edit]

This Chedorlaomer guy and his friends just can't satisfy their bloodlust.

Smiting the Amalekites here contradicts with Genesis 36:12, where Eliphaz Amalek is born after his descendants were smitten. To be fair, perhaps Amalekites was used in a general sense. "Amalekite" translates to "people who dwell in the valley" and was probably more of a descriptor than an actual proper name at this point.

Genesis 14:8[edit]

And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim;

Genesis 14:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:9[edit]

With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.

Genesis 14:9 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:10[edit]

And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain.

Genesis 14:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:11[edit]

And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way.

Genesis 14:11 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:12[edit]

And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.

Genesis 14:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:13[edit]

And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abram.

Genesis 14:13 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:14[edit]

And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan.

Genesis 14:14 Notes[edit]

Also, what Abram did here was assemble a lovely slave army of only 318 and expect them to fight entire nations of his opponents. Remember, this guy is endorsed by God, so it can be assumed God supports slavery and also supports smiting opponents.

Genesis 14:15[edit]

And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus.

Genesis 14:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:16[edit]

And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people.

Genesis 14:16 Notes[edit]

The way women is put after goods, with "also", and also separate from the people, is very curious, as if women are a special kind of good, but not enough to be "the people".

Genesis 14:17[edit]

And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that were with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which is the king's dale.

Genesis 14:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:18[edit]

And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God.

Genesis 14:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:19[edit]

And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:

Genesis 14:19 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:20[edit]

And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all.

Genesis 14:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:21[edit]

And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself.

Genesis 14:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:22[edit]

And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the LORD, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth,

Genesis 14:22 Notes[edit]

Genesis 14:23[edit]

That I will not take from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich:

Genesis 14:23 Notes[edit]

That's nice. Abram doesn't accept the spoils not because he's humble, but because he's too proud and doesn't want people to say, "I have made Abram rich", probably because Abram is already rich from pimping Sarah. Perhaps he has foresight in the apparent wickedness of Sodomites, but nothing is explained about exactly what is so bad about Sodomites at this point.

Genesis 14:24[edit]

Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion.

Genesis 14:24 Notes[edit]

Genesis Chapter 15 (God blesses Abram with rectum babies)[edit]

Genesis 15:1[edit]

After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.

Genesis 15:1 Notes[edit]

There has been no explicit mention in the previous chapter of God's role in winning the battle, but maybe God helped with the astounding victory of a motley army of 318 slaves.

Genesis 15:2[edit]

And Abram said, LORD God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?

Genesis 15:2 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:3[edit]

And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir.

Genesis 15:3 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:4[edit]

And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.

Genesis 15:4 Notes[edit]

If interpreted literally, this indisputably qualifies as a scientific error. An heir coming forth from a man's bowels is quite unknown to medical science.

Genesis 15:5[edit]

And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be.

Genesis 15:5 Notes[edit]

First, it's the dust in the Earth and now it's the stars. Given that there are around 3,000 stars in the sky at any given time, it's a much more feasible number than the dust in Earth. Still, this doesn't fare well for Abram's large intestines.

Genesis 15:6[edit]

And he believed in the LORD; and he counted it to him for righteousness.

Genesis 15:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:7[edit]

And he said unto him, I am the LORD that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it.

Genesis 15:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:8[edit]

And he said, LORD God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it?

Genesis 15:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:9[edit]

And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon.

Genesis 15:9 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:10[edit]

And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid each piece one against another: but the birds divided he not.

Genesis 15:10 Notes[edit]

God basically asks for yet another animal sacrifice and for some reason, the birds aren't divided.

Genesis 15:11[edit]

And when the fowls came down upon the carcases, Abram drove them away.

Genesis 15:11 Notes[edit]

It's nice wondering what would've happened instead if those birds were successful in their raid. Would God smite the birds? Would God order just more? Or would God say, "Nah, forget it, it's good enough we have half a leg missing."

Genesis 15:12[edit]

And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him.

Genesis 15:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:13[edit]

And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years;

Genesis 15:13 Notes[edit]

God knowingly afflicts his chosen people with slavery and ignorance of their descendant for four hundred years. Why does it have to be that way? Is it to test their faith? If then, why the arbitrary amount of four hundred years? And if God can tell the future, why didn't he earlier warn Abram that Lot is going to be kidnapped in the previous chapter?

Genesis 15:14[edit]

And also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance.

Genesis 15:14 Notes[edit]

Again, why the set-up for this "great substance"?

Genesis 15:15[edit]

And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age.

Genesis 15:15 Notes[edit]

If this "good old age" is past 120 and contradicts Genesis 6:3, tables shall be flipped.

Genesis 15:16[edit]

But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full.

Genesis 15:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:17[edit]

And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a smoking furnace, and a burning lamp that passed between those pieces.

Genesis 15:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:18[edit]

In the same day the LORD made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates:

Genesis 15:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:19[edit]

The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites,

Genesis 15:19 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:20[edit]

And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims,

Genesis 15:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 15:21[edit]

And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites.

Genesis 15:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis Chapter 16 (It's okay to rape your mistress if your wife can't have kids)[edit]

Genesis 16:1[edit]

Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.

Genesis 16:1 Notes[edit]

...whom Sarai would later nickname Hagar the Horrible. *rimshot*

Genesis 16:2[edit]

And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.

Genesis 16:2 Notes[edit]

"Well, if you insist, my dear wife Sarai, I'll bang your exotic handmaid," said Abram.

Genesis 16:3[edit]

And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.

Genesis 16:3 Notes[edit]

Genesis 16:4[edit]

And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.

Genesis 16:4 Notes[edit]

Religious sanctity of marriage = man + his wife, and it's already shirked by a likely unconsenting mistress.

Genesis 16:5[edit]

And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee.

Genesis 16:5 Notes[edit]

The mistress gloats that she got knocked up after a one-night stand she didn't ask for and the wife never got pregnant.

Genesis 16:6[edit]

But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.

Genesis 16:6 Notes[edit]

Abram righteously allows Sarai to beat up a pregnant woman for getting sweaty with Abram as she told them both to do. Why is Sarai jealous only after Hagar is pregnant? She knew Hagar could conceive beforehand, which is why she even asked Abram to rape her in the first place!

Again, this Abram and Sarai are supposed to be God's blessed people.

Genesis 16:7[edit]

And the angel of the LORD found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur.

Genesis 16:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 16:8[edit]

And he said, Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.

Genesis 16:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 16:9[edit]

And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.

Genesis 16:9 Notes[edit]

This is an instruction to return to the master that recently beat her. Although Hagar could be unprepared, having no supplies for the escape, thus requiring her to turn back. Still, the angel orders Hagar to submit to her master, so it's not really "oh, you're unprepared to escape, go back".

Genesis 16:10[edit]

And the angel of the LORD said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude.

Genesis 16:10 Notes[edit]

Amplifying Hagar's fertility really seems like a punishment here, given the major investment of raising children and the reception it gets from Sarai when Hagar does conceive.

Genesis 16:11[edit]

And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the LORD hath heard thy affliction.

Genesis 16:11 Notes[edit]

See also Ishmael.

Genesis 16:12[edit]

And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.

Genesis 16:12 Notes[edit]

From this information alone, it seems like Hagar will be punished by having a rebellious and hated son.

Genesis 16:13[edit]

And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?

Genesis 16:13 Notes[edit]

Genesis 16:14[edit]

Wherefore the well was called Beerlahairoi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.

Genesis 16:14 Notes[edit]

Genesis 16:15[edit]

And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son's name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael.

Genesis 16:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 16:16[edit]

And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.

Genesis 16:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis Chapter 17 (God asks for a transaction of foreskins so Abram and his descendants can eventually be a minority group)[edit]

Genesis 17:1[edit]

And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect.

Genesis 17:1 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:2[edit]

And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly.

Genesis 17:2 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:3[edit]

And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying,

Genesis 17:3 Notes[edit]

It's not terribly surprising that the ninety-nine year old patriarch fell on his face. What's surprising is that he didn't break a hip in the process.

Genesis 17:4[edit]

As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.

Genesis 17:4 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:5[edit]

Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee.

Genesis 17:5 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:6[edit]

And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee.

Genesis 17:6 Notes[edit]

Ew!

Genesis 17:7[edit]

And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee.

Genesis 17:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:8[edit]

And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God.

Genesis 17:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:9[edit]

And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations.

Genesis 17:9 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:10[edit]

This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.

Genesis 17:10 Notes[edit]

God orders circumcision. In Galatians 5:6 God changed his mind, which is why Christians don't practice circumcision.

Genesis 17:11[edit]

And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.

Genesis 17:11 Notes[edit]

What is God ever going to with those foreskins?

Genesis 17:12[edit]

And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed.

Genesis 17:12 Notes[edit]

Chop, chop!

Genesis 17:13[edit]

He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant.

Genesis 17:13 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:14[edit]

And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.

Genesis 17:14 Notes[edit]

Break the skin or break the covenant!

Genesis 17:15[edit]

And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.

Genesis 17:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:16[edit]

And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.

Genesis 17:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:17[edit]

Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

Genesis 17:17 Notes[edit]

Somehow, they find this idea ridiculous even though the Bible has a thing for really old people. Abraham even earlier was worried that the Egyptians were too attracted to the 70-year-old Sarah and even later pimped Sarah again with Abimelech.

Genesis 17:18[edit]

And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee!

Genesis 17:18 Notes[edit]

Why should this be a concern? If anyone follows genealogies closely, there are quite a few ancestors who outlive their descendants. Eber, for instance!

Genesis 17:19[edit]

And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.

Genesis 17:19 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:20[edit]

And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation.

Genesis 17:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:21[edit]

But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.

Genesis 17:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:22[edit]

And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham.

Genesis 17:22 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:23[edit]

And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham's house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him.

Genesis 17:23 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:24[edit]

And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

Genesis 17:24 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:25[edit]

And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

Genesis 17:25 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:26[edit]

In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son.

Genesis 17:26 Notes[edit]

Genesis 17:27[edit]

And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him.

Genesis 17:27 Notes[edit]

Genesis Chapter 18[edit]

Genesis 18:1[edit]

And the LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day;

Genesis 18:1 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:2[edit]

And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground,

Genesis 18:2 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:3[edit]

And said, My LORD, if now I have found favour in thy sight, pass not away, I pray thee, from thy servant:

Genesis 18:3 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:4[edit]

Let a little water, I pray you, be fetched, and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree:

Genesis 18:4 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:5[edit]

And I will fetch a morsel of bread, and comfort ye your hearts; after that ye shall pass on: for therefore are ye come to your servant. And they said, So do, as thou hast said.

Genesis 18:5 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:6[edit]

And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth.

Genesis 18:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:7[edit]

And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf tender and good, and gave it unto a young man; and he hasted to dress it.

Genesis 18:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:8[edit]

And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat.

Genesis 18:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:9[edit]

And they said unto him, Where is Sarah thy wife? And he said, Behold, in the tent.

Genesis 18:9 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:10[edit]

And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.

Genesis 18:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:11[edit]

Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.

Genesis 18:11 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:12[edit]

Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?

Genesis 18:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:13[edit]

And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?

Genesis 18:13 Notes[edit]

God lies!

Genesis 18:14[edit]

Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.

Genesis 18:14 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:15[edit]

Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh.

Genesis 18:15 Notes[edit]

Sarah was laughing on the inside. This counts as laughing.

Genesis 18:16[edit]

And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way.

Genesis 18:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:17[edit]

And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;

Genesis 18:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:18[edit]

Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him?

Genesis 18:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:19[edit]

For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.

Genesis 18:19 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:20[edit]

And the LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous;

Genesis 18:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:21[edit]

I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.

Genesis 18:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:22[edit]

And the men turned their faces from thence, and went toward Sodom: but Abraham stood yet before the LORD.

Genesis 18:22 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:23[edit]

And Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?

Genesis 18:23 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:24[edit]

Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein?

Genesis 18:24 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:25[edit]

That be far from thee to do after this manner, to slay the righteous with the wicked: and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from thee: Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?

Genesis 18:25 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:26[edit]

And the LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.

Genesis 18:26 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:27[edit]

And Abraham answered and said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD, which am but dust and ashes:

Genesis 18:27 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:28[edit]

Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it.

Genesis 18:28 Notes[edit]

Thus starts the haggling process to see if the city gets saved based on a number of righteous people. It will eventually get down to 10 through straight begging. It should be noted that if God is omniscient at this point, He is basically just dicking Abraham around since He already knows Lot is the only righteous man in Sodom.

Genesis 18:29[edit]

And he spake unto him yet again, and said, Peradventure there shall be forty found there. And he said, I will not do it for forty's sake.

Genesis 18:29 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:30[edit]

And he said unto him, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak: Peradventure there shall thirty be found there. And he said, I will not do it, if I find thirty there.

Genesis 18:30 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:31[edit]

And he said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD: Peradventure there shall be twenty found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for twenty's sake.

Genesis 18:31 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:32[edit]

And he said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake.

Genesis 18:32 Notes[edit]

Genesis 18:33[edit]

And the LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place.

Genesis 18:33 Notes[edit]

The Lord seemingly decides to delegate figuring out how many good people are in Sodom (which He, you know, probably should already know) to a pair of angels, which they decide to do by hanging out in some dude's house.

Genesis Chapter 19[edit]

Genesis 19:1[edit]

And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;

Genesis 19:1 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:2[edit]

And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.

Genesis 19:2 Notes[edit]

Apparently God's servants are lazy.

Genesis 19:3[edit]

And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat.

Genesis 19:3 Notes[edit]

In keeping with the Pentateuch theme of divine beings not necessarily being right, a human manages to persuade two of God's angels to change their minds about their "hanging around in the street not really doing anything" plan.

Genesis 19:4[edit]

But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:

Genesis 19:4 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:5[edit]

And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

Genesis 19:5 Notes[edit]

Yes, this is "know" very much in the Biblical sense. As it were.

Genesis 19:6[edit]

And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,

Genesis 19:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:7[edit]

And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.

Genesis 19:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:8[edit]

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

Genesis 19:8 Notes[edit]

That's right, Lot offers an angry mob his daughters to be gang-raped, and lies about their sexual status (they were both married) to make them more enticing to the mob. And yet, strangely enough, God considers him to be worth saving. Neither his daughters or Lot's guest seem to be in the slightest bit bothered by this.

Genesis 19:9[edit]

And they said, Stand back. And they said again, This one fellow came in to sojourn, and he will needs be a judge: now will we deal worse with thee, than with them. And they pressed sore upon the man, even Lot, and came near to break the door.

Genesis 19:9 Notes[edit]

On the other hand, the residents were still bent on breaking the sanctuary offered to the two guests so they could get at those hot angels.

Genesis 19:10[edit]

But the men put forth their hand, and pulled Lot into the house to them, and shut to the door.

Genesis 19:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:11[edit]

And they smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great: so that they wearied themselves to find the door.

Genesis 19:11 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:12[edit]

And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place:

Genesis 19:12 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:13[edit]

For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.

Genesis 19:13 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:14[edit]

And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.

Genesis 19:14 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:15[edit]

And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city.

Genesis 19:15 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:16[edit]

And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.

Genesis 19:16 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:17[edit]

And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.

Genesis 19:17 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:18[edit]

And Lot said unto them, Oh, not so, my LORD:

Genesis 19:18 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:19[edit]

Behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewed unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil take me, and I die:

Genesis 19:19 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:20[edit]

Behold now, this city is near to flee unto, and it is a little one: Oh, let me escape thither, (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live.

Genesis 19:20 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:21[edit]

And he said unto him, See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow this city, for the which thou hast spoken.

Genesis 19:21 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:22[edit]

Haste thee, escape thither; for I cannot do anything till thou be come thither. Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar.

Genesis 19:22 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:23[edit]

The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot entered into Zoar.

Genesis 19:23 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:24[edit]

Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;

Genesis 19:24 Notes[edit]

See Examples of God personally killing people

See, it's not okay to be gay.

Genesis 19:25[edit]

And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.

Genesis 19:25 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:26[edit]

But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

Genesis 19:26 Notes[edit]

See Examples of God personally killing people

The "pillar of salt" and other descriptions of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah are often used in ridiculous claims that the story is an account of an ancient nuclear war (possibly involving Aliensdidit too just to cover their bases) which created the entire Dead Sea, despite there being no signs of the detonation of nuclear weapons in the area. These accounts claim the salt actually relates to the formation of nuclear glass, which has the minor issue that weapons do not turn people into nuclear glass, and would certainly not turn one person to nuclear glass within line of sight of another who escaped without a scratch.

The "pillar of salt" is actually related to structures that form on the shore of the Dead Sea, and the story of Lot's wife appears to be a folk myth explaining one of them that was folded into this story. A structure said to have been Lot's wife is found on Mount Sodom in Israel.

There is a strong school of thought that these passages refer to real cities destroyed by natural disasters, with candidates including cities destroyed by everything from natural gas explosions to runaway ground subsidence causing them to literally slide into bodies of water, with sillier examples inevitably invoking asteroid or comet impacts. Presumably, the accounts were an attempt to explain what the people in those cities did wrong, so that the listeners could feel safe knowing that they weren't doing it too.

Genesis 19:27[edit]

And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD:

Genesis 19:27 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:28[edit]

And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace.

Genesis 19:28 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:29[edit]

And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew the cities in the which Lot dwelt.

Genesis 19:29 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:30[edit]

And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

Genesis 19:30 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:31[edit]

And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

Genesis 19:31 Notes[edit]

It is not particularly clear why Lot's daughters decided he was the only man on Earth: this story sounds awfully like a crazy old hermit's excuse for knocking up both his daughters, really.

Genesis 19:32[edit]

Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

Genesis 19:32 Notes[edit]

This is commonly taken as being about incest. Considering the KJV's use of sexual euphemisms, it's hard to argue against this one, particularly since it usually at least tries "lie at his feet."

Genesis 19:33[edit]

And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

Genesis 19:33 Notes[edit]

Genesis 19:34[edit]

And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

Genesis 19:34 Notes[edit]

This passage makes it sound like they're doing this out of some weird sense of duty.

Genesis 19:35[edit]

And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

Genesis 19:35 Notes[edit]

Apparently Lot was pretty drunk on wine, drunk enough that he passed out and didn't notice his daughters getting to "know" him better. But not too drunk to get an erection, because these Biblical patriarchs were real men!

Genesis 19:36[edit]

Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

Genesis 19:36 Notes[edit]

It probably doesn't need annotating, but this is quite clear. Good clean Biblical morality for you.

At least, until you notice the names of their sons--the namesakes of two perennial enemy tribes of the Hebrews. Lot's daughters were being marked as lustful and deceitful, and the Moabites and Ammonites smeared as originated by icky icky incest and what would now be regarded as rape (though in the story it is probably instead supposed to show Lot as a drunkard and an idiot, since this is long before anyone considered a woman raping a man to actually be a thing). The fact that this is propaganda can be seen in God's unusual decision to not kill anyone for it.

Genesis 19:37[edit]

And the first born bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day.

Genesis 19:37 Notes[edit]

On the other hand, one later author marked one of the ancestors of David and Solomon as being a Moabite woman, so this part of the smear didn't have the desired effect uniformly. See the Book of Template:Ruth for further details.

Genesis 19:38[edit]

And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Benammi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.

Genesis 19:38 Notes[edit]

Genesis Chapter 20[edit]

Genesis 20:1[edit]

And Abraham journeyed from thence toward the south country, and dwelled between Kadesh and Shur, and sojourned in Gerar.

Genesis 20:1 Notes[edit]

Genesis 20:2[edit]

And Abraham said of Sarah his wife, She is my sister: and Abimelech king of Gerar sent, and took Sarah.

Genesis 20:2 Notes[edit]

Abraham repeats the sister ruse, previously done in Genesis 12.

Genesis 20:3[edit]

But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man's wife.

Genesis 20:3 Notes[edit]

Genesis 20:4[edit]

But Abimelech had not come near her: and he said, LORD, wilt thou slay also a righteous nation?

Genesis 20:4 Notes[edit]

Genesis 20:5[edit]

Said he not unto me, She is my sister? and she, even she herself said, He is my brother: in the integrity of my heart and innocency of my hands have I done this.

Genesis 20:5 Notes[edit]

Genesis 20:6[edit]

And God said unto him in a dream, Yea, I know that thou didst this in the integrity of thy heart; for I also withheld thee from sinning against me: therefore suffered I thee not to touch her.

Genesis 20:6 Notes[edit]

Genesis 20:7[edit]

Now therefore restore the man his wife; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live: and if thou restore her not, know thou that thou shalt surely die, thou, and all that are thine.

Genesis 20:7 Notes[edit]

Genesis 20:8[edit]

Therefore Abimelech rose early in the morning, and called all his servants, and told all these things in their ears: and the men were sore afraid.

Genesis 20:8 Notes[edit]

Genesis 20:9[edit]

Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him, What hast thou done unto us? and what have I offended thee, that thou hast brought on me and on my kingdom a great sin? thou hast done deeds unto me that ought not to be done.

Genesis 20:9 Notes[edit]

Like Pharaoh, he has a legitimate beef here. Where does Abraham get off, treating people like that?

Genesis 20:10[edit]

And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What sawest thou, that thou hast done this thing?

Genesis 20:10 Notes[edit]

Genesis 20:11[edit]

And Abraham said, Because I thought, Surely the fear of God is not in this place; and they will slay me for my wife's sake.

Genesis 20:11 Notes[edit]

Genesis 20:12[edit]

And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.

Genesis 20:12 Notes[edit]

This reveals an example of incest within the Bible, although Sarah is technically a half-sister instead of a full sister.

Genesis 20:13[edit