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The Canadians are a people of the extreme centre. They have not been averse to the quiet life...nor keen to spend more money on defence or effort abroad.
Margaret Thatcher's diplomatic team, actually believing this to be an insult[1]
Canadians are weirdos, though. They are so nice — overbearing nice, like grandmother nice. Toronto is like a city of grandmas.
—Earl Sweatshirt

Canada, or Soviet Canuckistan, or America Jr., or Candanavia, or the United States of Liberty and Education is the second largest country in the world by total area (after Russia[2]) and fourth by land area, eh[wp]. It is a parliamentary monarchy (aka a constitutional monarchy[wp]) located directly north of the United States, with whom it enjoys a complex and contradictory relationship.[3] While the two countries are very close allies and major trading partners, Canadians have a smug and superior attitude towards Americans (primarily because Canada is awesome), and tend to define themselves by how they differ from their neighbours in the Great Republic to the South (since there's not much else to go by, eh?). As the comedian Rick Mercer famously put it, "Remember, Canada is bigger and it's on top. If this were prison, the USA would be Canada's bitch." (Everyone seems to forget that Greenland — Canada's backpack — is on top of Canada, though.)

Canada is a part of the Commonwealth of Nations, its capital is Toronto Ottawa, and its current monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, lives in a palace in the United Queendom.


[edit] Language/Langue

Canadiacs speak Canadian English and/or Canadian French (or Quebecois), a dialect of French that native speakers of European French find quaint and rather amusing.[4] Canadian spelling uses lots of extra U's and E's for no reason, but uses the letter Z about as much as American English (i.e. -ize instead of -ise). Despite being loyal to the British Crown, Quebecians hate non-French speaking slime as much as their brethren across the Big Pond.

You will also be stoned to death if you pronounce the letter "zed" as "zee."[5] But since it's Canada, at least you'll be stoned to death politely.

[edit] Health care/Assurance maladie

Canada has a complex system of universal health care that is free, eh. Over 70% is provided by government tax revenue, while around 27% is paid through the private sector (for prescription drugs, dental care, etc.) Richer Canadians tend to flock to the Dirty South for health care because, while it is uncommon for Canadians to die while waiting for specific medical operations, they do sometimes prefer the slightly faster (for people with cash) American system. However, they also do not have people dying from treatable illnesses and conditions because they could not afford to pay for their treatment, as happens constantly in the States.[6]

Anyways, no matter the massive pandering by Americans over the state of Canadian "socialized" medicine, a good majority of Canadians[7] are satisfied with their coverage, eh. This has been evident in almost every study released. Essentially, if a high-ranking politician ever planned to privatize it, there'd be mass protests in the streets. Don't think it would happen in friendly, peace-loving Canada? Nobody expected this either.

[edit] Gay marriage/Mariage gay

They let homosexuals get married there.

[edit] Firearms/Armes à feu

Although firearms are more regulated there than they are in the United States, in terms of the number of citizens who own guns and the number of guns owned total, the Canadian populace is every bit as armed to the teeth as the US. Interestingly, despite this, Canadians refuse to shoot each other at anything approaching the same rate.[8]

[edit] Multiculturalism/Multiculturalisme

Canada was the first country in the Western world to adopt multiculturalist policies, under commie Pierre Trudeau in 1971, eh. Since then, it still has the highest immigration rate in the world.

To the shock of Islamophobes and Quebec separatists, Canuckistan, having some of the most lenient LGBT rights and abortion laws available, has had comparatively little problems integrating Arabs into secular society compared to Europe.[9] The most significant terrorist plot[wp] was halted due to the efforts of Muslim CSIS (Canada's CIA) agents, Sharia was banned in Ontario after liberal and feminist Muslim groups lobbied against it,[10] and the electoral riding with the largest Muslim population in Canada continues to elect openly gay politicians.[11] YouTube commenters also went crazy when they saw a Sikh RCMP officer repping the flag at a Stanley Cup game.[12]

[edit] Baseball/Le baseball

Canada is also the only country outside the United States to have a Major League baseball team, eh. Currently The Toronto Blue Jays are the only Canadian team that is part of the MLB, however at one point there also was the Montreal Expos (which moved to Washington, D.C. in 2004 and became the Nationals.) The Toronto Blue Jays won the World Series in 1992 and 1993, despite having a Canadian on the team. Rob Butler is the only Canadian to win a World Series with a Canadian baseball squad.

[edit] Beer/Bière

Canadian beer drinkers are especially proud of their beer. It has a higher alcohol content than America beer so you can get drunker faster, eh. In fact, beer commercials account for roughly half of all displays of Canadian patriotism. They say American beer, on the other hand, is like making love in a canoe — fucking close to water. This sense of superiority is confusing to many who have tried Labatt's Blue or Kokanee products. To be fair, both are Canada's version of Miller Light and are only consumed by wusses, eh.

[edit] The city that fun forgot

Ottawa, Canada's capital city, is supposedly "The city that hosers fun forgot." but it is probably the international adultery capital of the world; about 20% of residents have Ashley Madison accounts.[13]

[edit] How Canada got its name/Comment le Canada s'est appelé

Way back when Canada became a nation, a group of citizens met at a Tim Horton's Country Style to decide what the new country would be called. Somebody just happened to have a game of Scrabble and they decided to take turns drawing letters, and thus would the country be named. The first person drew the letter C and called out, "C, eh?" The second person drew an N and called out, "N, eh?" The third person drew a D ("eh?").

Ha ha. But seriously, it's a misunderstanding of the Huron-Iroquois word for "village" (kanata).[14]

Just to be clear, Canada has nothing to do with Kannada, a Dravidian language spoken in southern India.

[edit] Science fiction/Science-fiction

One of Canada's main exports is science fiction shows, such as the Stargate franchise, Sanctuary, Lexx, and Orphan Black. Sydney Newman, creator of Doctor Who, was also Canadian. Also, science fiction novels by Robert J. Sawyer, Robert Charles Wilson, Spider Robinson, and other dudes with the syllable "Rob" in their names. And Cory Doctorow. And William Gibson, sort of[15].

...and Margaret Atwood, though, she would deny it.

[edit] Humo(u)r/Humour

Canada comes in for a lot of mockery, mostly from Canadians and Americans, eh. Despite that, dozens of ostensibly funny sources, including Stephen Colbert,[16] The Simpsons,[17] South Park and others, return to the same tired subjects. Research shows there are only 5 8 jokes aboot Canada, eh (no doot aboot it):

  • Celine Dion/Bryan Adams/Nickelback/Avril Lavigne/Justin Bieber/Carly Rae Jepsen are terrible
  • It's really cold/there's lots of snow/they live in igloos
  • Canadians say "eh?" and "aboot" (But in reality, they never do. Sarah Palin, however, does.)
  • Canadians apologize (for being Canadian, presumably)
  • They drink lots of beer
  • They play hockey
  • They don't use real "dollars" (except in 2007 and 2011 when the Canadian dollar was worth more than the U.S. dollar and the joke suddenly reversed itself)
  • Anything about maple syrup
  • Mounties. All police are mounties.

[edit] Blame Canada!/Blâmons le Canada!

Canada is featured in the song "Blame Canada" in the South Park movie. The humorously derogatory lyrics include:

No, blame Canada, blame Canada!

With all their beady little eyes and flapping heads so full of lies
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along.
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

They're not even a real country anyway![18][19]

[edit] See also/Voir aussi

[edit] Sexy Canadian videos (SFW)/Les vidéos canadiennes sexy (SFW)

[edit] Footnotes/Post-scriptums

  1. Declassified documents reveal British views of 'inordinately sensitive' Canadians, The Globe and Mail
  2. But if Russia keeps on shrinking, soon they will be first! As long as they keep Québec.
  3. Assholes to each other in normality, best friends in crisis.
  4. There is also a rural Quebecois dialect called "Joual." No, really, don't bother trying. Native Quebecois speakers can't make any sense of it either.
  5. At least 10% of the population.
  6. Canada’s Health Care System: Fact and Fiction, University of Toronto
  7. Never mind the anecdotes: Do Canadians like their health-care system?, Chicago Tribune
  8. Bowling for Columbine, Michael Moore et al.
  9. See for yourself.
  10. Voila. The reason why this went through relatively easily was because it gave the finger to all religious arbitration courts (as true secularism would expect).
  11. Conclusions on a Stunning Ontario General Election, TVO
  12. OMG a Sikh!
  13. [ Ottawa, the city fun forgot, tops on infidelity website] ( Tue Jul 21, 2015 3:30pm EDT) Reuters.
  14. How Canada Got Its Name
  15. he was born in the USA, but emigrated during the draft
  16. Don't worry, we love him all the same.
  17. Homer: "Marge, anyone can miss Canada. All tucked away down there."
  18. "Blame Canada" lyrics
  19. For the YouTube version of the entire song, see here
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