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Canada

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The Canadians are a people of the extreme centre. They have not been averse to the quiet life...nor keen to spend more money on defence or effort abroad.
Margaret Thatcher's diplomatic team, actually believing this to be an insult[1]
Canadians are weirdos, though. They are so nice — overbearing nice, like grandmother nice. Toronto is like a city of grandmas.
—Earl Sweatshirt

Canada, or Soviet Canuckistan, or America Jr., or Canadia[note 1], or the United States of Liberty and Education is the second largest country in the world by total area (after Russia[note 2]) and fourth by land area, ehWikipedia's W.svg. It supplies US teenage boys with girlfriends.[note 3] It is a parliamentary monarchy (aka a constitutional monarchyWikipedia's W.svg) and parliamentary democracy located directly north of the United States.

America hates Canada the way Homer hates Ned Flanders — when push comes to shove, there's plenty of love behind it all. In reality, Americans love Canada and the Canadian people. This is unsurprising, not just because Canada is America's hat, but because the US is Canada's beard.[note 4]

While the two remain close allies and major trading partners, Canadians take a smug attitude toward the Great Republic to the South (since there's not much else to go by, eh?), while Americans distrust their social programs and laid-back attitude. Both tend to define themselves by how they differ from their neighbours. As the comedian Rick Mercer famously put it, "Remember, Canada is bigger and it's on top. If this were prison, the USA would be Canada's bitch." (Everyone seems to forget that Greenland — Canada's backpack — is on top of Canada, though.)

Canada is a part of the Commonwealth of Nations, its capital is Toronto Ottawa, and its current monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, lives in a palace in the United Queendom. She is officially referred to as the Queen of Canada while she is on Canadian soil, making her family the Canadian royal family. Canadians forget that she exists if she's not mentioned in the news or until an American asks them who is that woman on their money.

Language/Langue[edit]

Canadians have two official languages: Canadian English and/or Canadian French (or Quebecois), a dialect of French that native speakers of European French find quaint and rather amusing.[note 5] Canadian spelling uses lots of extra U's and E's for no reason, but uses the letter Z about as much as American English (i.e. -ize instead of -ise). There is still a veiled rivalry between the English and French parts of the country, exemplified in each of their respective expressions for fleeing cowardly, "To go the French way" and "Filer à l'anglaise" (translated as "To run away like the English"). No matter what language they speak, they are all united by their common tendency to make fun of Americans.

You will also be stoned to death if you pronounce the letter "zed" as "zee."[2] But since it's Canada, at least you'll be stoned to death politely.

Some strange language-related laws have been enacted over time. For example, Law 101, which allows signs to be publicly displayed in Québec only if they are mainly written in French. If there is another language used (not just English), the caption has to be 50% smaller. The law also stated that company names had to be entirely French, which explains why the coffee chain "Tim Hortons" doesn't include an apostrophe before the trailing "s", because that would make it English, therefore evil, even if the company was founded by hockey player Tim Horton. Some other chains like "Taco Bell" simply boycotted the whole province rather than translating their name to French. The province also had its own language police who was tasked with fining companies that didn't respect the language laws, mostly in ethnic neighbourhoods like Chinatown. There is an urban legend in Montréal about a parrot that was arrested by the language police after multiple offences of repeating an ad slogan in English in front of a store. Luckily, the death penalty had been repealed in 1967 for such horrendous crimes.

Health care/Assurance-maladie[edit]

Canada has a complex system of universal health care that is free, eh. Over 70% is provided by government tax revenue, while around 27% is paid through the private sector (for prescription drugs, dental care, etc.) Richer Canadians tend to flock to the Dirty South for health care because, while it is uncommon for Canadians to die while waiting for specific medical operations, they do sometimes prefer the slightly faster (for people with cash) American system. However, they also do not have people dying from treatable illnesses and conditions because they could not afford to pay for their treatment, as happens constantly in the States.[3]

Anyways, no matter the massive pandering by Americans over the state of Canadian "socialized" medicine, a good majority of Canadians[4] are satisfied with their coverage, eh. This has been evident in almost every study released. Essentially, if a high-ranking politician ever planned to privatize it, there'd be mass protests in the streets. Don't think it would happen in friendly, peace-loving Canada? Nobody expected this either. The inability to buy shares in hospitals motivated some far-right Americans to label the system as "designed by godless communists", confirmed by the main color of the national flag being red.[note 6]

Still not convinced Canada is a communist country? They're also on the metric system. (Actually, The Economist ranks Canada as more democratic than the US.[5])

Gay marriage/Mariage gai[edit]

They let homosexuals get married there. And have done so long before the US got around to it in every state.

Firearms/Armes à feu[edit]

Although firearms are more regulated there than they are in the United States, in terms of the number of citizens who own guns and the number of guns owned total, the Canadian populace is every bit as armed to the teeth as the US. Interestingly, despite this, Canadians refuse to shoot each other at anything approaching the same rate.[6] Since Canada doesn't have an equivalent doctrine to the "Castle Law", shooting an intruder is always considered a homicide. In case of home invasion, it is actually faster to run away than to access any firearms that have to be stored unloaded with a trigger lock inside a locked cabinet inside a locked room and finding the ammunition which also has to be stored separately in a locked box.

Multiculturalism/Multiculturalisme[edit]

Canada was the first country in the Western world to adopt multiculturalist policies, under commie Pierre Trudeau in 1971, eh. Since then, it still has the highest immigration rate in the world.

To the shock of Islamophobes, Canuckistan, having some of the most lenient LGBT rights and abortion laws available, has had comparatively little problems integrating Arabs into secular society compared to Europe.[7] The most significant terrorist plotWikipedia's W.svg was halted due to the efforts of Muslim CSIS (Canada's CIA) agents, Sharia was banned in Ontario after conservative and moderate groups lobbied against it,[8] and the electoral riding with the largest Muslim population in Canada continues to elect openly gay politicians.[9] YouTube commenters also went crazy when they saw a Sikh RCMP officer repping the flag at a Stanley Cup game.[10]

Indigenous affairs/Affaires autochtones[edit]

It is estimated that 1.3 million (3.8 per cent of) Canadians have Aboriginal ancestry, half of whom are Registered Indians. In the Constitution Act 1982 Aboriginal peoples of Canada include the Indian, Inuit (once called 'Eskimos') and Métis peoples (people of mixed descent). Indians registered under the Indian Act are termed Registered Indians (once called Status Indians) and are entitled to benefits which may not be available to other Indians.

The gap in life expectancy between Indigenous Canadians and other Canadians is now seven years. Infant mortality rates have been halved since 1981 but are still higher than those of other Canadians. The unemployment rate of Registered Indians on reserves is three times the Canadian average. Between 1984 and 1994 the percentage of Indian children remaining in school until year 12 doubled to 75 per cent and post secondary enrolments tripled. In 1997-98 federal expenditure on indigenous matters is estimated at C$6 billion (0.7 per cent of GDP).

The Constitution Act 1867 assigned exclusive legislative authority to the Federal Parliament over 'Indians and lands reserved for Indians'. The Constitution Act 1982 entrenches Aboriginal rights in the constitution and requires the federal and provincial governments to consult with Aboriginal people prior to making any legislation that relates directly to them. Indigenous people's lands represent 6.3 per cent of Canada's land area; they control access to minerals in most of theses areas and receive royalties or compensation for mining. The Canadian Government's 1998 'Statement of Reconciliation' included a declaration that:

"As a country, we are burdened by past actions that resulted in weakening the identity of Aboriginal peoples, suppressing their languages and cultures, and outlawing spiritual practices. We must recognise the impact of these actions on the once self-sustaining nations that were disaggregated, disrupted, limited or even destroyed by the dispossession of traditional territory, by the relocation of Aboriginal people, and by some provisions of the Indian Act."

The Statement included an apology for the Government of Canada's role in the development and administration of special residential schools:

"Particularly to those individuals who experienced the tragedy of sexual and physical abuse at residential schools, and who have carried this burden believing that in some way they must be responsible, we wish to emphasise that what you experienced was not your fault and should never have happened. To those of you who suffered this tragedy at residential schools, we are deeply sorry."[11]

Illegal immigration/Immigration illégale[edit]

Americans trying to come visit Canada are highly-scrutinized at the border by Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA/ASFC) due to a recent increased rate of illegal immigration by overstaying a tourist visa or working without a permit. This all seems to be caused by better employment opportunities and the erroneous concept that anybody physically present in Canada automatically receives free health care. This makes Americans unofficially Canada's Mexicans.[note 7]

Baseball/Le baseball[edit]

Canada is also the only country outside the United States to have a Major League baseball team, eh. Currently the Toronto Blue Jays are the only Canadian team that is part of the MLB; however, at one point there also was the Montreal Expos (who emigrated to Washington, D.C. in 2004 and became the Nationals.) ("Expo" was short for "Exposition" in reference to a fair held in Montreal in 1967.[12]) The Toronto Blue Jays won the World Series in 1992 and 1993, despite having a Canadian on the team. Rob Butler is the only Canadian to win a World Series with a Canadian baseball team. Ever since the Expos - who played in an awful stadium and had their only potential championship season cut short by a strike - left, there has been talk about MLB moving or expanding into Montreal once more. Of course, half of the Franchise relocation talk in any sport is just to extort money out of cities to build the existing franchises bigger stadiums.

Beer/Bière[edit]

Canadian beer drinkers are especially proud of their beer. It has a higher alcohol content than American beer. In fact, beer commercials account for roughly half of all displays of Canadian patriotism since the most popular beer happens to be called Molson Canadian. They say American beer, on the other hand, is like making love in a canoe — fucking close to water. This sense of superiority is confusing to many who have tried Labatt Blue or Kokanee products. To be fair, both are Canada's version of Miller Light and are only consumed by wusses, eh.

It has been posited that in the event of a Canadian/American war, Canadian beer could be used as a shibboleth to identify Americans trying to covertly pass themselves as Canadians since Americans get very intoxicated after a single Canadian light beer, which is about 6-8% ABV.

Food/Nourriture[edit]

Poutine (not to be confused with Putin or putainWikipedia's W.svg) is the national dish and is made of French fries, 'hot chicken sauce' and cheese curds. It is commonly served at Canadian McDonalds. The American version in northern states often substitutes cheese curd with shredded mozzarella.

Canadian bacon (not the movie) is referred to internally as back bacon and is often maple-flavored.

The city that fun forgot/La ville que le plaisir a oublié[edit]

Ottawa, Canada's capital city, is supposedly "The city that hosers fun forgot", but it is probably the international adultery capital of the world; about 20% of residents have Ashley Madison accounts.[13]

How Canada got its name/Comment le Canada s'est fait nommé[edit]

Way back when Canada became a nation, a group of citizens met at a Tim Hortons Country Style to decide what the new country would be called. Somebody just happened to have a game of Scrabble and they decided to take turns drawing letters, and thus would the country be named. The first person drew the letter C and called out, "C, eh?" The second person drew an N and called out, "N, eh?" The third person drew a D ("eh?").

Ha ha. But seriously, it's a misunderstanding of the Huron-Iroquois word for "village" (kanata).[14]

Just to be clear, Canada has nothing to do with Kannada, a Dravidian language spoken in southern India.

Science/Science[edit]

The Canadian Space Agency currently has in orbit the most Canadian object ever: the Humble space telescopeWikipedia's W.svg.

Science fiction/Science-fiction[edit]

One of Canada's main exports is science fiction shows, such as the Stargate franchise, Sanctuary, Lexx, and Orphan Black. Also The Starlost, though Canadians pretend that didn't happen. Sydney Newman, creator of Doctor Who, was also Canadian. Also, science fiction novels by Robert J. Sawyer, Robert Charles Wilson, Spider Robinson, and other dudes with the syllable "Rob" in their names. And Cory Doctorow. And William Gibson, sort of[note 8].

...and Margaret Atwood, though she would deny it. And William Shatner, though Canadians would probably deny it.

Humo(u)r/Humour[edit]

Canada comes in for a lot of mockery, mostly from Canadians and Americans, eh. Despite that, dozens of ostensibly funny sources, including Stephen Colbert,[note 9] The Simpsons,[note 10] South Park and others, return to the same tired subjects. Research shows there are only 7 12 jokes aboot Canada, eh (no doot aboot it):

  • Céline Dion/Alanis Morissette/Justin Bieber/Bryan Adams/Nickelback/Avril Lavigne/Justin Bieber/Carly Rae Jepsen are terrible (Bieber deserves to be mentioned twice).
  • It's really cold/there's lots of snow/winter lasts 11 months/they live in igloos/they drive dogsleds.
  • Polar bears roam the streets/Everybody has a pet moose.
  • Canadians say "eh?" and "aboot" (But in reality, they never do. Sarah Palin, however, does).
  • Canadians apologize for everything (They apologize for apologizing too).
  • They drink lots of beer.
  • They play hockey.
  • They don't use real "dollars" (except in 2007 and 2011 when the Canadian dollar was worth more than the U.S. dollar and the joke suddenly reversed itself).
  • The colourful money was copied from the game Monopoly.
  • The streets are paved with maple syrup.
  • All police are Mounties and still ride horses.
  • Every restaurant is a Tim Hortons (1 per capita).
  • They are incredibly polite except when it comes to Hockey, eh?

Blame Canada!/Blâmons le Canada![edit]

Canada is featured in the song "Blame Canada" in the South Park movie. The humorously derogatory lyrics include:

No, blame Canada, blame Canada!

With all their beady little eyes and flapping heads so full of lies
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
...
It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along.
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

They're not even a real country anyway![15]<ref>

Of course Canada is not to blame for everything. That would be Zionists.

Hey, at least Canada has a real name! What kind of name is "the United States of America" for a country, anyhow?

See also/Voir aussi[edit]

Sexy Canadian videos (SFW)/Les vidéos canadiennes sexy (SFW)[edit]

Notes/Notes[edit]

  1. According to Americanian logic, Canadians come from Canadia, same applies to Peruvians coming from Peruvia.
  2. But if Russia keeps on shrinking, soon they will be first! As long as they keep Québec.
  3. You wouldn't know her, but she's totally hot and we do it a lot. No, I'm not giving you a picture.
  4. Now kiss.
  5. There is also a rural Quebecois dialect called "Joual", which nowadays is used mostly to confuse European French tourists.
  6. WAKE UP!!
  7. AKA The Canadian Dream, eh.
  8. He was born in the USA, but emigrated during the draft.
  9. Don't worry, we love him all the same.
  10. Homer: "Marge, anyone can miss Canada. All tucked away down there."

References/Références[edit]