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Canada

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The Canadians are a people of the extreme centre. They have not been averse to the quiet life...nor keen to spend more money on defence or effort abroad.
Margaret Thatcher's diplomatic team, actually believing this to be an insult[1]
Canadians are weirdos, though. They are so nice — overbearing nice, like grandmother nice. Toronto is like a city of grandmas.
—Earl Sweatshirt

Canada, or Soviet Canuckistan, or America Jr., or Canadia[2], or the United States of Liberty and Education is the second largest country in the world by total area (after Russia[3]) and fourth by land area, eh[wp]. It is a parliamentary monarchy (aka a constitutional monarchy[wp]) and parliamentary democracy located directly north of the United States, with whom it enjoys a complex and contradictory relationship.[4] While the two countries are very close allies and major trading partners, Canadians have a smug and superior attitude towards Americans (primarily because Canada is awesome), and tend to define themselves by how they differ from their neighbours in the Great Republic to the South (since there's not much else to go by, eh?). As the comedian Rick Mercer famously put it, "Remember, Canada is bigger and it's on top. If this were prison, the USA would be Canada's bitch." (Everyone seems to forget that Greenland — Canada's backpack — is on top of Canada, though.)

Canada is a part of the Commonwealth of Nations, its capital is Toronto Ottawa, and its current monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, lives in a palace in the United Queendom. She is officially referred to as the Queen of Canada while she is on Canadian soil, making her family the Canadian royal family. Canadians forget that she exists if she's not mentioned in the news or until an American asks them who is that woman on their money.

Contents

[edit] Language/Langue

Canadians speak Canadian English and/or Canadian French (or Quebecois), a dialect of French that native speakers of European French find quaint and rather amusing.[5] Canadian spelling uses lots of extra U's and E's for no reason, but uses the letter Z about as much as American English (i.e. -ize instead of -ise). There is still a veiled rivalry between the English and French parts of the country, exemplified in each of their respective expressions for fleeing cowardly, "To go the French way" and "Filer à l'anglaise" (translated as "To run away like the English"). No matter what language they speak, they are all united by their common tendency to make fun of Americans.

You will also be stoned to death if you pronounce the letter "zed" as "zee."[6] But since it's Canada, at least you'll be stoned to death politely.

Some strange language-related laws have been enacted over time. For example, Law 101, which allows signs to be publicly displayed in Québec only if they are mainly written in French. If there is another language used (not just English), the caption has to be 50% smaller. The law also stated that company names had to be entirely French, which explains why the coffee chain "Tim Hortons" doesn't include an apostrophe before the trailing "s", because that would make it English, therefore evil, even if the company was founded by hockey player Tim Horton. Some other chains like "Taco Bell" simply boycotted the whole province rather than translating their name to French. The province also had its own language police who was tasked with fining companies that didn't respect the language laws, mostly in ethnic neighbourhoods like Chinatown. There is an urban legend in Montréal about a parrot that was arrested by the language police after multiple offences of repeating an ad slogan in English in front of a store. Luckily, the death penalty had been repealed in 1967 for such horrendous crimes.

[edit] Health care/Assurance-maladie

Canada has a complex system of universal health care that is free, eh. Over 70% is provided by government tax revenue, while around 27% is paid through the private sector (for prescription drugs, dental care, etc.) Richer Canadians tend to flock to the Dirty South for health care because, while it is uncommon for Canadians to die while waiting for specific medical operations, they do sometimes prefer the slightly faster (for people with cash) American system. However, they also do not have people dying from treatable illnesses and conditions because they could not afford to pay for their treatment, as happens constantly in the States.[7]

Anyways, no matter the massive pandering by Americans over the state of Canadian "socialized" medicine, a good majority of Canadians[8] are satisfied with their coverage, eh. This has been evident in almost every study released. Essentially, if a high-ranking politician ever planned to privatize it, there'd be mass protests in the streets. Don't think it would happen in friendly, peace-loving Canada? Nobody expected this either. The inability to buy shares in hospitals motivated some far-right Americans to label the system as "designed by godless communists", confirmed by the main color of the national flag being red.

Still not convinced Canada is a communist country? They're also on the metric system. (Actually, The Economist ranks Canada as more democratic than the US.[9])

[edit] Gay marriage/Mariage gai

They let homosexuals get married there.

[edit] Firearms/Armes à feu

Although firearms are more regulated there than they are in the United States, in terms of the number of citizens who own guns and the number of guns owned total, the Canadian populace is every bit as armed to the teeth as the US. Interestingly, despite this, Canadians refuse to shoot each other at anything approaching the same rate.[10] Since Canada doesn't have an equivalent doctrine to the "Castle Law", shooting an intruder is always considered an homicide. In case of home invasion, it is actually faster to run away than to access any firearms that have to be stored unloaded with a trigger lock inside a locked cabinet inside a locked room and finding the ammunition which also has to be stored separately in a locked box.

[edit] Multiculturalism/Multiculturalisme

Canada was the first country in the Western world to adopt multiculturalist policies, under commie Pierre Trudeau in 1971, eh. Since then, it still has the highest immigration rate in the world.

To the shock of Islamophobes, Canuckistan, having some of the most lenient LGBT rights and abortion laws available, has had comparatively little problems integrating Arabs into secular society compared to Europe.[11] The most significant terrorist plot[wp] was halted due to the efforts of Muslim CSIS (Canada's CIA) agents, Sharia was banned in Ontario after liberal and feminist Muslim groups lobbied against it,[12] and the electoral riding with the largest Muslim population in Canada continues to elect openly gay politicians.[13] YouTube commenters also went crazy when they saw a Sikh RCMP officer repping the flag at a Stanley Cup game.[14]

[edit] Illegal immigration/Immigration illégale

Americans trying to come visit Canada are highly-scrutinized at the border by Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA/ASFC) due to a recent increased rate of illegal immigration by overstaying a tourist visa or working without a permit. This all seems to be caused by better employment opportunities and the erroneous concept that anybody physically present in Canada automatically receives free health care. This makes Americans unofficially Canada's Mexicans.[15]

[edit] Baseball/Le baseball

Canada is also the only country outside the United States to have a Major League baseball team, eh. Currently The Toronto Blue Jays are the only Canadian team that is part of the MLB, however at one point there also was the Montreal Expos (who emigrated to Washington, D.C. in 2004 and became the Nationals.) ("Expo" was short for "Exposition" in reference to a fair held in Montreal in 1967.[16]) The Toronto Blue Jays won the World Series in 1992 and 1993, despite having a Canadian on the team. Rob Butler is the only Canadian to win a World Series with a Canadian baseball team.

[edit] Beer/Bière

Canadian beer drinkers are especially proud of their beer. It has a higher alcohol content than American beer. In fact, beer commercials account for roughly half of all displays of Canadian patriotism since the most popular beer happens to be called Molson Canadian. They say American beer, on the other hand, is like making love in a canoe — fucking close to water. This sense of superiority is confusing to many who have tried Labatt Blue or Kokanee products. To be fair, both are Canada's version of Miller Light and are only consumed by wusses, eh.

It has been posited that in the event of a Canadian/American war, Canadian beer could be used as a shibboleth to identify Americans trying to covertly pass themselves as Canadians since Americans get very intoxicated after a single Canadian light beer, which is about 6-8% ABV.

[edit] Food/Nourriture

Poutine (not to be confused with Putin or putain) is the national dish and is made of French fries, 'hot chicken sauce' and cheese curds. It is commonly served at Canadian McDonalds. The American version in northern states often substitutes cheese curd with shredded mozzarella.

Canadian bacon (not the movie) is referred internally as back bacon and is often maple-flavored.

[edit] The city that fun forgot/La ville que le plaisir a oublié

Ottawa, Canada's capital city, is supposedly "The city that hosers fun forgot." but it is probably the international adultery capital of the world; about 20% of residents have Ashley Madison accounts.[17]

[edit] How Canada got its name/Comment le Canada s'est fait nommé

Way back when Canada became a nation, a group of citizens met at a Tim Hortons Country Style to decide what the new country would be called. Somebody just happened to have a game of Scrabble and they decided to take turns drawing letters, and thus would the country be named. The first person drew the letter C and called out, "C, eh?" The second person drew an N and called out, "N, eh?" The third person drew a D ("eh?").

Ha ha. But seriously, it's a misunderstanding of the Huron-Iroquois word for "village" (kanata).[18]

Just to be clear, Canada has nothing to do with Kannada, a Dravidian language spoken in southern India.

[edit] Science fiction/Science-fiction

One of Canada's main exports is science fiction shows, such as the Stargate franchise, Sanctuary, Lexx, and Orphan Black. Also The Starlost, though Canadians pretend that didn't happen. Sydney Newman, creator of Doctor Who, was also Canadian. Also, science fiction novels by Robert J. Sawyer, Robert Charles Wilson, Spider Robinson, and other dudes with the syllable "Rob" in their names. And Cory Doctorow. And William Gibson, sort of[19].

...and Margaret Atwood, though she would deny it.

[edit] Humo(u)r/Humour

Canada comes in for a lot of mockery, mostly from Canadians and Americans, eh. Despite that, dozens of ostensibly funny sources, including Stephen Colbert,[20] The Simpsons,[21] South Park and others, return to the same tired subjects. Research shows there are only 7 12 jokes aboot Canada, eh (no doot aboot it):

  • Céline Dion/Alanis Morissette/Justin Bieber/Bryan Adams/Nickelback/Avril Lavigne/Justin Bieber/Carly Rae Jepsen are terrible. (Bieber deserves to be mentioned twice)
  • It's really cold/there's lots of snow/winter lasts 11 months/they live in igloos/they drive dogsleds.
  • Polar bears roam the streets/Everybody has a pet moose.
  • Canadians say "eh?" and "aboot" (But in reality, they never do. Sarah Palin, however, does.)
  • Canadians apologize for everything. (They apologize for apologizing too)
  • They drink lots of beer.
  • They play hockey.
  • They don't use real "dollars" (except in 2007 and 2011 when the Canadian dollar was worth more than the U.S. dollar and the joke suddenly reversed itself)
  • The colourful money was copied from the game Monopoly.
  • The streets are paved with maple syrup.
  • All police are mounties and still ride horses.
  • Every restaurant is a Tim Hortons. (1 per capita)

[edit] Blame Canada!/Blâmons le Canada!

Canada is featured in the song "Blame Canada" in the South Park movie. The humorously derogatory lyrics include:

No, blame Canada, blame Canada!

With all their beady little eyes and flapping heads so full of lies
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
...
It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along.
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

They're not even a real country anyway![22][23]

[edit] See also/Voir aussi

[edit] Sexy Canadian videos (SFW)/Les vidéos canadiennes sexy (SFW)

[edit] Footnotes/Post-scriptums

  1. Declassified documents reveal British views of 'inordinately sensitive' Canadians, The Globe and Mail
  2. According to Americanian logic, Canadians come from Canadia, same applies to Peruvians coming from Peruvia.
  3. But if Russia keeps on shrinking, soon they will be first! As long as they keep Québec.
  4. Assholes to each other in normality, best friends in crisis.
  5. There is also a rural Quebecois dialect called "Joual", which nowadays is used mostly to confuse European French tourists.
  6. At least 10% of the population.
  7. Canada’s Health Care System: Fact and Fiction, University of Toronto
  8. Never mind the anecdotes: Do Canadians like their health-care system?, Chicago Tribune
  9. http://www.sudestada.com.uy/Content/Articles/421a313a-d58f-462e-9b24-2504a37f6b56/Democracy-index-2014.pdf
  10. Bowling for Columbine, Michael Moore et al.
  11. See for yourself.
  12. Voila. The reason why this went through relatively easily was because it gave the finger to all religious arbitration courts (as true secularism would expect).
  13. Conclusions on a Stunning Ontario General Election, TVO
  14. OMG a Sikh!
  15. aka The Canadian Dream, eh.
  16. World's_fair#cite_note-3[wp]
  17. [ca.reuters.com/article/domesticNews/idCAKCN0PV26H20150721?pageNumber=2&virtualBrandChannel=0 Ottawa, the city fun forgot, tops on infidelity website] ( Tue Jul 21, 2015 3:30pm EDT) Reuters.
  18. How Canada Got Its Name
  19. he was born in the USA, but emigrated during the draft
  20. Don't worry, we love him all the same.
  21. Homer: "Marge, anyone can miss Canada. All tucked away down there."
  22. "Blame Canada" lyrics
  23. For the YouTube version of the entire song, see here
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