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There's an ancient aviation astronaut joke in here somewhere.
Life is short, come to the state where it will seem to last the longest.
—Johnny Carson[citation needed]

Ohio (better known by its official title, America's Sweariest State[1]) is home to many, Christians and Damned alike. It borders five states, a Great Lake, and a Canadian province.[2]

Like Iowa, it's only really important every four years, as a noted swing state.


[edit] Seasons

  • Tornado season with pretty blossoms
  • Tornado season with stifling, fly-ridden heat waves
  • Tornado season with pretty leaves
  • Blizzard season, with the occasional tornado.

In the short story collection Knockemstiff, Donald Ray Pollack described one summer night in his hometown (located about 50 miles east of Cincinnati) as being "hotter than a fat lady's box."

[edit] First in Flight

Ohio is the home of the Wright Brothers, who created the first self-powered airplane. A number of astronauts, including John Glenn and Neil Armstrong, also came from Ohio. This is because living in Ohio makes you think of the most creative ways to be as far away from it as possible.

[edit] Sing songs

I've got a rhyme that comes with a riddle,
What's round on the ends and high in the middle?
Devo, Jocko Homo
Tin soldiers and Nixon's coming,
We're finally on our own
This summer I hear the drumming,
Four dead in Ohio.
—Neil Young/CSNY, Ohio [3]

[edit] I can C for miles and miles

The three largest cities in Ohio have names that start with a "C". No one knows why, although perhaps the people in Akron are keeping it a state secret.

The best thing about Harambe getting shot is that people now have a reason to Google Cincinnati. You can never spell it right on the first try, and nobody cares to learn. Did you know they eat goetta here? That’s just scrapple with oatmeal mixed into it. Those people eat horse food.

[edit] Shopping

The world's most awesome supermarket, Jungle Jim's, is in Fairfield, Ohio. Once you have visited Jungle Jim's you will agree, there is no better place to purchase exotic fruits or food such as pig heads or goose testicles. This place has to be seen to be believed.

In addition, in Toledo, one may find Tony Packo's. To suggest that Tony Packo's does not make the best food in three states is blasphemy.

[edit] Sports

Most importantly, Ohio is way better than Michigan at sports, as well as everything else; they go to Ann Arbor a few times a year to be proven right.

In 1869, Cincinnati became home to the first professional baseball team, which was also one of the world's first professional teams in any sport. (Hooray for professional sports!!! What would American sports fans do without TV ads for Boeing and the American Petroleum Institute?)

[edit] Politics

Ohio is disproportionately influential in American politics, compared to its relatively meager impact on American culture. It's not the most populous state; in fact, it's not even in the top five. However, due to a combination of factors, Ohio is one of the most important states when it comes to American politics. Ohio is a purple state, you see, which means that either of the top two candidates in any given Presidential race could plausibly win Ohio. All of the states with greater shares of the electoral college save Florida are either a red state or a blue state, and are pretty much guaranteed for their respective parties. Therefore, because Ohio's the second biggest state to be "up for grabs", it stands a very decent chance of being the state that decides who will be the next President. Indeed, Ohio provided the votes that decided the 2008 election in Barack Obama's favor, and just one cycle before that provided the vote that gave George W. Bush his second term. No candidate of either party has won without Ohio since 1960, when Kennedy managed to squeak in despite losing Ohio to Nixon. And no Republican candidate has ever won without Ohio.[4] And so, for twelve weeks in every fourth year, Ohio rises from obscurity to become the most talked-about state in the Union, until the election, after which everybody goes right back to completely (and probably rightfully) ignoring it.

Ohio is also home to Rob Portman, a Republican senator who came out in favor of gay marriage after his son came out of the closet,[5] landing him on Conservapedia's RINO list.

[edit] External links

[edit] Footnotes

  2. The states neighboring Ohio are Pennsylvania to the east, Michigan to the northwest, Indiana to the west, Kentucky on the south, and West Virginia on the southeast. Much of the northern border is defined by Lake Erie. Also to the north, in Canada, is Ontario.
  3. The "four dead" were unarmed college students protesting the Viet Nam war, and were shot by members of the National Guard. Two of them wern't even in the rally, rather, they were simply walking to/from classes.
  4. Mitt Romney needs Ohio to win the election

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