First Church of the Last Laugh

Saint Stupid

The First Church of the Last Laugh (FCLL) is a parody religion created by Bishop Joey (Ed Holmes). The church has only one holy day per year, which corresponds with April Fool's Day, and is celebrated with the Saint Stupid's Day Parade in San Francisco, California. The idea behind the church and parade was based on older celebrations, the Feast of Fools, Poisson d'avril and others. The parade presents itself superficially as loosely-organized silliness, but the subtexts of the parade are anti-capitalism and anti-organized religion.

The church has informal relations with another parody religion, Church of the SubGenius:

• Bishop Joey, who appeared at a Subgenius devival and has appeared on Subgenius Radio
• Reverend Howland Owl (Hal Robins), artist for The Book of the Subgenius, has appeared in parades
• Puzzling Evidence, host of the Subgenius radio show has appeared in parades and designed the Church of the Last Laugh website

The Dogminican Order leading the parade on a weekend

Another loose affiliation of the FCLL is with the San Francisco Cacophony Society (SFCS). The parade literally does sound like Cacophony. Since 1990, John Law, co-founder of the SFCS has been bringing his three Doggie Diner dog heads (named, "Manny, Moe and Jack"), together forming the Dogminican Order, to the parade.

The parade

The seventh parade in 1986 had an inauspicious start/ending with the arrest of Bishop Joey for unknown reasons (probably parading without a permit or exercising free speech in front of a cop), an event that was subsequently known as the "Martyrdumb of Bishop Joey".

Just to confuse, the parade has different routes depending on whether April 1^st falls on a week day or weekend. The weekday route, which is more fun if for no other reason that one can slack off work, has seven stations of stupid. The seven stations of stupid are vaguely reminiscent of Christian's fourteen stations of the cross.

The weekday parade

0. JUSTIN HERMAN/EMBARCADERO PLAZA
1. FEDERAL RESERVE HQ
2. THE TOMB OF STUPID (101 california)
3. THE STATUE OF THE BARE BUTT MECHANICS
4. THE SUNKEN PLAZA OF SLACK
5. CITI BANK ATRIUM AND FOUNTAIN FUN
6. THE SOCK EXCHANGE
7. THE BANKERS HEART (KEARNY @ CALIFORNIA)
0. THE STATION OF THE END

The first thing people may notice about this list is that it begins and ends with a zero. Why? It could be just because — stupid!

Parade goers often wear funny costumes (or rarely none at all, hold funny signs and play silly music. Each year, some famous person has done something really stupid and would hence be a target for mockery. The main parts of Bishop Joey's speeches are similar from year-to-year, with some ad libbing. Due to incomplete or noisy videos of past parades, these texts are edited from video and text from the more complete videos for 1997 and 2014.

The first zero

Here Bishop Joey pumps up the crowd and gives an introduction:

“”This is the 36th annual St Stupid's Day Parade, brought to you by The First Church of the Last Laugh, the world's fastest growing snack religion, 150% less dogma. It's a light religion with one holy day year and today is it!{efn

The First Church of the Last Laugh is the world's oldest religion. All religions are based on fear and guilt. But before you have fear and guilt work, you got to have somebody stupid enough to believe that con. We are the stem cell of all other religion. We are the oldest church. We are are the largest church, seven billion. Seven billion members if you're human… anybody here not human raise your hand. [some non-humans raise their hands] Let's get a count. In your DNA there is stupidity it's unavoidable. It's the one thing that unites the species. So you here are the lucky, lucky few. That's right.

So, we're going to induct you. First you got to take the oath. Raise your right hand. Cross your fingers. Repeat after me, "I pledge allegiance to the illusion and to the pyramid scheme for which it stands, one nation, one species, in denial, with error and excess by all. Oh boy!" [crowd repeats each phrase]

Let's let's have a nice meet and greet. Everybody turn to your right and say hello to the person on your right. Now to your left. [Lots of 'hellos' from the crowd] Now that you've met your fellow congregants, you need the the secret sign you'll recognize each other's secret handshake. The secret handshake is you hold your hand up like this, fold your thumb across the palm, turn to somebody and slap a high four. [Lots of 'ows' from the crowd] We gotta change handshake. Maybe it'll be ready next year, we'll see. So we've got some tradition. What is tradition? Same damn thing over and over again. So, we're going to do the same damn thing over and let's try to get it right. Last year we almost got the parade right. We got some notes. We're going to try again. So, watch as you're walking on the street. Watch in front of you there's curbs and stuff like that. There's little kids in the parade so watch that uh we have stops and stations a lot along the way that you will be part of and are there any questions so far? [Someone in the crowd shouts, 'Yes!'] Tough shit.}}

The First Station of Stupid

Take a chance in the walkway of the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco

“”We're here at the First Station of Stupid, the Federal Reserve headquarters, a highly, highly, highly suspect player in the economic game and totally undemocratic. And we're here to thank the Federal Reserve for helping turn the American economy from oh agricultural to industrial to service to technological to information into a casino economy. [Applause] The economy doesn't matter doesn't matter how much you're educated, how well connected you are, doesn't matter how hard you work. Unless you are lucky, you will not make it into The American Dream. So, you do you do play the lottery, don't you? [crowd shouting] Yeah, Lightning Hopkins, the famous blues player said, "I play craps every day 'cuz I might be walking around lucky and not know it." So, a dollar a day, a dollar, two dollars a week, dollar a day, something like that. A Quick Pick, check them out. Don't think of it as a 200 million to one chance that you're going to win. No, truly one should think of it as 50/50. You put your dollar down, you buy a ticket, a 50/50 chance that you're going to win or you going lose. But eventually, it's almost guaranteed, an guarantee the win eventually you're almost guaranteed almost perfect guarantee eventually that you will completely win.

This station ends with a ritual throwing of losing lottery tickets in the air.

The Second Station of Stupid

This station takes place on the normally little-noticed side of the 101 California Street skysraper, where there is a plain door without an external handle, about one step below ground level.

The Third Station of Stupid

The Bare Butt Mechanics

The Bare Butt Mechanics with parade

This station is located at the Mechanics Monument.

“”We're at the station known as The Bare Butt Mechanics. Now if you'll notice, around the edge of this plaza there are giant concrete lug nuts. Look at the lug nuts everybody look at the giant concrete lug nuts. Somebody massage those lug nuts. Tighten up those lug nuts over there. Tighten that lug nut up over there, Dr. Hal. The purpose of these lug nuts is to hold fill-dirt San Francisco to old San Francisco, and we're going to do the leap of faith and test these lug nuts to make sure they're going to hold. Now, this is the leap of faith. Everybody's going to close their eyes. Don't do it yet. Close your eyes, count to three. It's one, two, three actually. It's a four, one, two, three, and then the four is kind of like a non-spoken four. It's a non-numerical force it's a it's a verbal it's a verbal four, and then we're gonna jump into the air with our eyes closed and we're gonna have faith. We're gonna have faith, brothers and sisters, boys and girls, creatures of all types, that when we come down, the Earth will hold us and we won't break San Francisco, but you have to take it to the limit every once in a while and find out what it'll take. Take a deep breath. Okay, here we go we're gonna go one, two, three, jump. First of all, close your eyes. Everybody, close your eyes. Close your eyes, right, ready, one, two, three, jump. [Everyone jumps and lands on solid ground, followed by applause.]

The Fourth and/or Fifth Station of Stupid

This station is a parade rest, and includes a free lunch. It's commonly said that there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, that's just false. You probably won't like the lunch though. This station is located at the Citibank Atrium, adjacent to the cake-shaped building (532 Market Street).

“”We're here to give homage to this two-dimensional spiritual scapegoat Saint Stupid who said, "I know, I know, but you know you never know." He said, "So far, so what." Saint Stupid said, "The closer you are, the nearer you get." But more importantly, Saint Stupid said, "Remember, don't forget." I'll get back to you on that one. So you can go to the website saintstupid.com and photographs of the past years of parades. We have 36 years going here. We have had people meet, fall in love, marry and bear children in this parade. So watch where you're walking.

The Sixth Station of Stupid

Socks flying in the air during the annual Pacific Sock Exchange

This station is located on the steps of the now-former Pacific Stock Exchange, which was located at 301 Pine Street until it closed in 2006.

“”A lot of people ask me they say, "Bish". [Crowd says "Yes!"] They say, "Who belongs to the church?" We all belong, ladies and gentlemen. And we are here to honor that which binds our species together, the one DNA link regardless of race, creed, that thing that unites the species is stupidity. Uh, one of my elders here, I had to consult with my elder about this parade and I asked my elders, "Can we do uh you know a parade you know in April because you know you can't you can't do a march in April. Can't march in April. [Crowd boos] You can't march in April. Let those words be taken with you and deposit it somewhere else. Oh I think I hear a UFO. [Led by Bishop Joey, the crowd starts chanting "Hale-Bopp!", a comet that was visible to the naked eye in the year that this was filmed (1997). Bishop Joey the switches the crowd to chanting, "No more chanting!"] And now we are here now. You know the Pacific Stock Exchange is trying to change their name. They're going to call themselves the Pacific Exchange. We're not going to let them do that are we? [Crowd: "No!" Someone in the crowd, "What about the socks?"] No matter what they call themselves, they will be the Station of Stupid known as The Stock Exchange! [Crowd roars] "Exchange socks!" [Socks start flying up into the air.]

The Seventh Station of Stupid

Trying to break the Banker's Heart by tossing pennies

The Seventh Station is at the Banker's Heart at 555 California Street.

“”We are here to thank the banking system, the banking community, the banking buildings, banking accounting. Thank you we're here to thank all the banks for all they're doin' for you and me. Thank you all for the bank statement that begins with, "Bend over." That's right we're here to thank you. Let's say thanks to the Bank of America for laying off 3,000 people, closing a couple hundred branches. That's the Bank of America doing all they can for America. Bend over America! Well here's something the bank didn't get. I have a penny that they didn't get, so if you brought your pennies… Those of you standing near that rock those of you on top of that rock are now in range, in the line-of-fire. We are going to thank all the banks by donating our pennies to the banker's heart. Grab a handful. [The pennies start flying toward the Banker's Heart.]

The second zero

The parade returns to the first zero. Duh!

“”[Someone in the crowd shouts, "That was stupid!"] Some people think that was stupid, gotta do all over again. This was the 19th annual Saint Stupid's Day Parade.

The weekend parade

The weekend parade has four stations since 2003:

1. TRANSAMERICA PYRAMID (the pointy bldg)
2. THE SCIENCE-FICTION-TOLOGISTS HQ
3. PARADE REST
4. WASHINGTION SQ PARK for the FCLL's MINI-SERVICE

The weekend parade is not too noteworthy other than briefly annoying the Scientology local headquarters located at the Fugazi Bank Building by chanting and shouting outside their HQ, thereby transmitting engrams to disrupt their E-Meters. The building was purchased in 2003 by the Church of Scientology. Unnoticed by most parade marchers is that the first stop, the pointy building (formally, the "Transamerica Pyramid") was formerly owned by Transamerica Corporation, when they decided after deciding to move from what is now The Fugazi Bank Building, based on pointy pyramids being better than flatland

In 2018, April 1 corresponded with Easter Sunday. As it so happens Washington Square Park is across the street from the large Saints Peter and Paul Church (located at 666 Filbert Street). It was a twofer!

See also

• Trickster

External links

• The First Church of the Last Laugh (FCLL) — an archive of the church's website
• Sayings of stupid
• St. Stupids Day Parades — Creative Commons photos from some past parades by Bryan Costales
• St Stupid's Day 2004 Creative Commons photos by Steve Rhodes