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Fun:God's Suggestion Box
“”Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
|—Alfonso the Wise, king of Castile (1221–1284)|
So here goes.
- God, please appear to the Israelis and the Palestinians and sort out their mess. Don't you think a couple of thousand years are enough?
- God, please do something interesting, like changing the speed of light or making a couple of pulsars suddenly start tapping out the entire Bible in morse code, or turning an ocean or two into wine. It would make us scientists much more likely to believe you exist. (On second thought, please leave the fundamental constants alone. We like living.)
- (Related to the last one.) God, please start doing miracles again. I'm not sure why you stopped after the New Testament, but it'd sure make things more interesting.
- God, please become not-Invisible for a day so we can bask in your Pinkness.
- God, please turn Mike Huckabee gay. And make him attracted to Sam Brownback.
- (Related to the last one.) God, please turn Andy Schlafly gay. And make him attracted to his brother John.
- God, please make all Christians believe in one brand of Christianity. There should be only one!
- God, please stop hating homosexuals.
- God, please stop the environment from going blonko.
- God, give me the powah to manipulate DNA. Scratch that: we scientists figured that one out.
- God, revive all extinct species. On second thoughts please leave the really bad stuff like the smallpox virus out.
- Please, God, stop talking to Pat Robertson.
- God, please make all pasta taste as good as Your Noodly Appendage.
- God, please ignore everything on this list.
- God, please protect me from your followers.
- God, can You please drop the "not" from Your Commandment against adultery? There's this girl, see…
- God, please protect this Wiki from vandals. God why do you preserve only the free will of sinners like vandals? God, why don't you protect the free will of brainwashing victims as well?
- God, please don't read this sentence.
- God, please magic up some hippos.
- God, explain the geographical distribution of species so that those nasty evolutionists will stop asking awkward questions about your creation.
- God, when you express your displeasure by tossing tornadoes, tsunamis, and earthquakes, would you please issue a press-release to explain what you did and why. Even terrorist groups claim responsibility for their attacks, since otherwise it's pretty damn difficult to know who did it and why?
- God, could you please throw down a few surgical (or not) smites on the people who get on TV and claim to speak for you?
- God, I mean, the Jews have faced centuries of persecution and mass murder on a vast scale; and the Russian Orthodox got herded into Gulag. It just doesn't seem to pay to be your Chosen. Could you please choose the Evangelicals for a while?
- God, can you please make time travel possible? And please give researchers a chance to travel back in time and find out if those weird things in the Bible really happened?
- God, I was reading the Bible and I'm really curious — why do you hate the Egyptians so much? I mean, the first time we even hear of them is Genesis 12:10 and by Genesis 12:17 you're sending down plagues already, and all they did was believe the lie Abraham told them. I mean, what gives?
- God, please revise 1 Kings 7:23-26.
- God, can you please quit smiting our Mars missions? Those probes are quite expensive.
God, please give the Pope a nice hat.Done.
- God, please, update your holy books, so they look less like ruminations of (Bronze Age and Arab) pastors and more like the work of a supposedly omniscient, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent deity.