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But if the voices your head
Say to sacrifice your kid
To satiate your loving God's
Fetish for dead baby blood
It's simple faith, the Book demands
So raise that knife up in your hand!
Tim MinchinWikipedia's W.svg, The Good Book[1]

Abraham (אַבְרָהָם (Avraham) in Hebrew, and ابراهي (Ibrahim) in Arabic) is a highly immoral character fictionalised in the Tanakh, Bible, and Qur'an. He is a central figure in the religions of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, which together go by the title of being Abrahamic religions. Abraham was mentioned in the Biblical book of Genesis. If he actually existed (there being zero sources outside the fictitious holy books), then he was a schizophrenic shepherd from Mesopotamia who heard voices in his head which he claimed were god's. In the 21st century we have mostly effective pills which treat this condition. This god persona in his head convinced him to commit an unspeakable act: attempted child murder. For this he is celebrated by self-labeled "moral God believers". The consequences of this story has doomed the earth for several thousand years and still does in the 21st century.

The story[edit]

The story of Abraham, like other parts of Genesis, is believed by some to be traceable to the Sumerians. According to the story, Abraham was an old man who could not father children.

Begetting sons and messing with them[edit]

He had a son, Ishmael, with his Egyptian slave Hagar. Then God told Abraham to father a son by his own wife, Sarah, and Isaac was born.

Then God told Abraham to get rid of his slave and her son Ishmael. Islamic sources cast Hagar and her son Ishmael as favoured by Allah and the ancestors of all Arabs.

According to the story in the Qur'an, Hagar and Ishmael were wandering in the desert, almost dying of thirst, until they found a well in Mecca. Later, Ishmael and Abraham built the Kaaba in Mecca.

According to the Abramhamic religions, God said to Abraham "kill me a son." Abe said: "Man, you must be puttin' me on." God said, "No," and Abe said "What?" God said: "You can do what you want Abe, but, the next time you see me comin' you better run." Abe said: "Where do you want this killin' done?" God said: "Out on Highway 61," Abraham was commanded by God to sacrifice his son (held by Christians and Jews to be Isaac, whereas Muslims believe that Ishmael was to be sacrificed). Abraham accepts the command and prepares to slaughter his own child, but at the moment of the actual killing, he is stopped by an angel who chucks him a ram to be sacrificed instead. If Abraham lived today he would be incarcerated for trying to murder his child and would probably be given psychological treatment.

As if this biblical story wasn't disturbing enough, Soren Kierkegaard a modern philosopher uses Abraham as an example of a Knight of Faith. He praises Abraham's willingness to carry out God's command and his unshakeable belief that things would work out as they should.