Fun:Jesusland

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Jesusland is shown in red; the United States of Logic and Reason in blue.
Map adapted for Canucks. Jesusland is shown in blue; areas of relative sanity and logic in red.

Jesusland is Jesus's Own Country. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

Jesusland, or more derogatorily known as Dumbfuckistan, is the name for the 30 U.S. states which voted for George W. Bush in 2004, and sometimes, depending on who you ask, the Canadian province of Alberta. The name came about after a post-election map showed that the states (excluding Alaska) formed a contiguous block. The name "Jesusland" was invented to describe the area, to fit the view of it as having an overly fundamentalist population. Which, of course, it does. It is the legendary "Real America" sought after by Sarah Palin.

Contents

[edit] Geography

Jesusland is flat, except where it is bumpy with mountains, with a climate that has never changed since its creation in 4004 BCE (see below). Its main life forms are corn, cattle, and hogs. The capital city is Crawford, Texas - the birthplace of George W. Bush. The country is sometimes referred to as "Dumbfuckistan", but not by its residents.

The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah have incorporated themselves into a single larger city: Las Vegas, Nevada.

[edit] Climate


HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Except for Alaska)


In his short story collection Knockemstiff, Donald Ray Pollack described a typical summer evening in his hometown east of Cincinnati as being "as hot as a fat woman's box."

God sends lots of tornadoes and hurricanes in Jesusland to test the faith of believers or to smite sinners.

Seriously, with all the wrath-of-God weather in Jesusland, you'd think that the God-fearin' people there would ask themselves which sins they are committing to piss off The Big Guy.

[edit] People

God gave Jesusland to the whites, who adopted the Bible as their constitution. Then they grew lots of cotton and corn. In order to keep themselves pure in the sight of God, they are only allowed to marry their own relatives. Jesuslanders have a varied diet, including corn pone, corn grits, corn on the cob, corn dogs, and cornburgers, all washed down with high-fructose corn syrup soda and corn squeezin's (or moonshine). Jesusland also has a staggeringly high rate of methamphetamine use.

[edit] Economy

Jesusland has a diverse economy, based on the Reaganomic principle. Its main exports are corn, religious zealots, and holy crusaders to go pacify the infidel states. One of Jesusland's main natural resources is rich white men in cowboy hats.

[edit] Religion

The main religion in Jesusland is Reaganism, unsurprisingly.

[edit] Literature

Jesusland is home to a unique breed of American literature. Read enough Jesusland literature and you will think that . . .

  • most attics have at least one crazy aunt locked within;
  • most people have been raped at least once before their thirteenth birthday;
  • most boys play football and go hunting;
    (And if he doesn't, everybody thinks "there's something wrong with that boy.")
  • every girl is either a cheerleader or a beauty pageant contestant;
    (And if she doesn't, everybody thinks "there's something wrong with that girl.")
  • every football player, hunter, cheerleader and beauty pageant contestant is actually in the closet;
  • when not in church, Jesuslanders are stealing their neighbor's livestock, committing arson for fun, and racing along rural roads in overpowered hot rods.

If art wasn't imitating life, Jesuslanders might have a real complaint about how they are portrayed in books, movies, TV, etc.

[edit] Literary figures

Among those who have contributed to the image of Jesusland are:

  • William Faulkner
  • Carson McCullers
  • Eudora Welty

[edit] Not-quite-so-literary literary figures

More pop culture than pure literature. However, they too have had their influence:

  • Dave Berry
  • John Grisham
  • Carl Hiaasen
  • The creators of The Dukes of Hazzard
  • The creators of Dallas

[edit] History

It is now!

[edit] Culture

[edit] Neighboring countries

Mexico lies to the south, and the United States of Logic and Reason to the west, north and northeast.

[edit] Global warming

Despite the political coloration of the map on this page, as global warming continues, many of the so-called red states on the Jesusland Map will become blue one way or another.

[edit] Etymology

Although Jesusland sounds like a snarky nickname that some blue state liberal devised, it may have actually originated among the region's indigenous bible thumpers. In the first chapter of her memoir Jesus Land, journalist Julia Scheeres describes what happened to her family after they moved to rural Indiana when she was sixteen.[1] A few days after arriving, she and her brother were riding their bicycles down one of the country roads near their house when they came across a group of signs that a farmer had erected in his field:[2]

Sinners go to:

HELL
Rightchuss go to:

HEAVEN
The end is neer:[3]

REPENT
This here is:

JESUS LAND

[edit] Economy

Jesusland has a diverse economy, based on the taxes of the sinners of the non-Jesus states.[4][5]

[edit] See also

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Her family is white, but she also has an adopted black brother.
  2. Scheeres, Julia. Jesus Land, Counterpoint/Perseus Books Group, New York, 2006, p.4.
  3. No, this is not Dutch, just misspelled English. We hope.
  4. Chart comparing state annual taxes paid vs. money received
  5. Fuck the South!


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