Star Wars is a trilogy of science fiction movies (AND THERE ARE ONLY THREE OF THEM AND NO MORE) that took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Despite the fact that it took place a long time ago and really far away, almost everyone was humanoid and spoke perfect English. It has bad guys whose mooks have the best aim in the history of film.
After absolutely nothing happened whatsoever from 1984 to 2011, the creator of Star Wars finally decided to sell off his studio to Wal Bisdney in 2012 so it could try to
revive the franchise from certain death repeat the successes of the trilogy by outright remaking it.
From the ahem, "unpleasantness"
- Anakin Skywalker - the main protagonist, Anakin is first introduced as a whiny brat who matures into a
rat-tailed carnysnotty, unappreciative, narcissistic, megalomaniacal sand hater by the second film and his actor won a bunch of Razzies. Throughout the course of the series he goes from being American to Canadian to African American to British. Greatly fleshed out in The Clones Wars cartoon however.
- Obi-Wan Kenobi - the sexually nonthreatening father figure, played by
one ofthe sexiest Scotsmen around. One of the few characters that no one hates.
- Qui-Gon Jinn - has a particular set of skills, and will find you, and will kill you (if those "death sticks" don't get you first).
- Darth Sidious (Supreme Chancellor Palpatine) - the main antagonist, preys on Anakin's daddy issues. The only one who looks like he's having a good time. Pa Pa Palpatine, Naboo's greatest hate machine, it was a shame how he carried on!
- Master Yoda - the really sexually nonthreatening grandfather figure, he was.
- Padmé Amidala - the love interest of Anakin, Padmé was also the love interest of every heterosexual teenage male who watched the series. She dies because she gave birth to Leia and Luke and there's only allowed to be a finite number of women in the Star Wars universe at any one time. (Her actor was one of the few to come out of the Unpleasantness unscathed.)
- Padmé's body double - the body double of the queen, played by Keira Knightley. People forget she was in these movies, part of the reason she also was able to escape the Unpleasantness unscathed.
- Darth Maul - a lobster/devil thing who was good at martial arts and was soon made irrelevant. Due to his popularity however, he was resurrected in the Clone Wars cartoon.
- Mace Windu - just one "I have had it" monologue would've been fine for us. But no, we couldn't even get that.
Dracula SarumanDooku - It doesn't matter what name you give him, in the end it is (and will always be) Christopher Lee perfectly portraying his classic sinister-twister Villain performance for good. At least not one more unpleasantness for the Shakespeare-acquainted viewers.
- Jar Jar Binks - the greatest Star Wars character of all time. Seriously. It takes a special kind of character to unite the fandom in any way. Although recent evidence suggests that far from the bumbling idiot he has been portrayed as, Jar Jar is actually a magnificent bastard, the actual power behind Palpatine. Even the actor who played him thinks so.
From the original trilogy
- Darth Vader - the most iconic antagonist in spite of being at most second in command in any movie (and barely in 10% of the first one), Vader enjoyed long walks on the beach
(though he hates sand), killing his generals, and editing Conservapedia. In a previous life he had been well-known to British viewers as the Green Cross Code Man, exhorting children to 'stop, look and listen.' Actually played by five actors — one for the voice, two for being in the suit, a guy to fill in for him in light saber battles, and a fifth for him dying (who also played his Force Ghost). Why? Goes to Jedi heaven despite all the Jedi genocide and youngling murder. Recanting on your deathbed does work (saving your son and killing Darth Sidious may have helped, too).
- Luke Skywalker - the main protagonist and second in a family of assholes, Luke would only have sexual relations with his sibling. Was actually called "Luke Starkiller" even in the shooting script, so at least someone on set spared us that.
- Obi-Wan Kenobi - still sexually nonthreatening; while waiting for young Luke to grow up, Obi-Wan spent his time meditating and surfing the galactic internet PMing Yoda.
- Han Solo - a maverick (similar to John McCain[WTF?!]), was always stroking his own Wookiee
- Princess Leia Organa - was a snotty, unappreciative, narcissistic megalomaniac with nice boosters. Her golden bikini scene in Return of the Jedi was a formative experience for many adolescent boys in the early 1980s.
- Yoda - still the New Age-y green dwarf who had been Fozzie Bear in a previous life. The giveaways were his voice, and enjoying swamp life. Offered more platitudes than Kermit though, and some remarkably bad advice.
- Chewie - a furry seven-foot yeti/bigfoot thing named after chewing tobacco. Sort of like a giant superintelligent bipedal Yorkshire terrier. Used to yelp and gurgle a lot, and went through the Millennium Falcon's shampoo by the barrel.
- C-3PO - a surprisingly camp golden robot, who had odd gestures and posture. R2-D2's soulmate.
- R2-D2 - a short dumpy robot who made unintelligible bleepy noises which, bizarrely, everyone in the film (and the audience) could instantly understand. Either that, or he was continually swearing.
- Jabba the Hutt - a fat, sluggish nightclub owner. Another character who didn't speak English.
- Wilhuff Tarkin - I mean, Peter Cushing was in it! As a naval commander of some kind of grey planetary structure.
- Admiral Gial Ackbar -
It's a frapSorry, I just left Starbucks. It's a trap!
- Ewoks - teddy bears who lived up trees and spoke Kalmyk (the language spoken by the Kalmyk people of Russia). Originally supposed to be Wookies, but changed in a blatant attempt to sell more toys. Probably the first sign that Star Wars was going horribly wrong. Unless you've seen what it started out as, which makes it a surprise it was ever right to begin with.
- Boba Fett - A completely incompetent bounty hunter whose only saving grace is neat looking armor. Despite being a supposed badass, he's knocked into an alien sand anus by a flailing blind man. His father's clones were the first Stormtroopers.
It's worth watching Akira Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress, to see where the inspiration for several of these characters came from. Snotty princess — Check. Camp pair of retainers — Check. Evil emperor — Check. Samurai who gains in confidence — Check...
From the other unpleasantness
- Rey Palpatine[note 1] - Luke's female counterpart/successor. So far, she's the most badass of the new characters we've seen, being devoid of any character development. And she turns out to be related to someone in high places from the past.
Bowe BergdahlFinn - A former Stormtrooper who deserted the cause after his conditioning broke during a battle, joined the resistance against them, and proceeded to get his ass handed to him several times, while serving little to no purpose to the plot afterwards.
- Poe Dameron - Ace X-Wing pilot, BB-8's caretaker, and the closest thing the movie has to a "white male protagonist," despite his Guatemalan heritage. Quite categorically dies near the beginning, but then is written back into the film via the magic of last-minute script alterations. Played by manic-pixie-dream-guy of the moment, Oscar Issac.
- Kylo Ren - Wannabe Darth Vader, and he even tries to cosplay, but he's really bad at it. He is actually an edgy, emo kid underneath that helmet. Temporary Supreme Leader of the First Order, which gave him the amazing ability to pull entire battlefleets of modern Star Destroyers from his own rear end. All his Supreme Leadership went into reversal as he became second bananas again, and after ditching the Dark Side, got to have a smooch with Rey before hitting the grave.
- General Hux - The temporary Tarkin. Was in charge of a planet-destroying battle station? Check. Holding
Darth Vader'sKylo Ren's leash for the EmperorSupreme Leader? Check. Orders the destruction of a planet to christen the new battle station? No, now it's several planets! And he's ginger, so soulless comes with the actor. That was until he turned out to be a spy and got shot out of the story by General Pryde.
- BB-8 - The new R2-D2 (because they couldn't reuse the old one or something), shaped like a soccer ball, probably swears a lot more than R2 did, and even flips off Finn at one point. Is a "little white cuck ball," according to 4chan. No, really.
- Han Solo - He's gotten old! And he apparently misplaced his spaceship, and is in debt with a bunch of factions. And had a fight with his princess not-wife, as well as do nothing with his estranged son. And he seems to be limping after that time he hid in a fridge when a nuke went off.
PrincessGENERAL Leia - Leader of the Resistance, not quite as hot as the last movie she showed up in, but she still seemed to go out of her way to get a bunch of armored angry white people shooting at (and missing) her.
- C-3PO - He's back, but with a red arm (For a few minutes) for reasons only nerds who care about the Expanded Universe would know. Actually, scratch that last bit, the Expanded Universe is no longer canon. Thanks Disney.
- Maz Kanata - Supposedly a wise, and knowledgeable figure, but we're unable to see it thoroughly given how little she serves to the plot.
- Supreme Leader Snoke - A CGI cave troll who can't be bothered to get off the toilet to answer the phone. Spoiler Alert: He's secretly every Star Wars character ever, but don't tell anyone. Of course, all that speculation is now moot because he ultimately got chopped in half by Emo Ren and turned out to be just a clone made by Sheev. Proves that Lucas isn't the only one who can come up with really stupid names.
- TR-8R - The greatest Stormtrooper ever to walk the face of the galaxy.
- Captain Phasma - Special stormtrooper that's a badass because... her armor is chrome and she has a cape, or something.? Of course, when someone points a gun at her, she folds like a lawn chair and immediately (and surprisingly enthusiastically) helps her captors to kill everyone under her command. After complaints that the character didn't get enough screentime, she got a bigger role in The Last Jedi, as a five-ish minute cameo who gets dropped into a fiery chasm by Finn. Like Boba Fett before her, she's only a badass in the EU works.
- Palpatine. The Emperor is back as a clone, having developed an app to destroy planets and installed it on a whole lot of Imperial Star Destroyers. Was also Rey's granpappy, and later developed the ability to shoot lightning into the sky. After being cooked by Rey, he's totally going to stay dead.
From Rogue One
- Jyn Erso - Yet another female protagonist, and just as badass as Ren. Killed off in the end to avoid accusations of being a "Mary Sue".
- Cassian Andor - A morally gray Rebel captain who doesn't do that much (until he got his own prequel series at least).
- Director Orson Krennic - A glorified architect who chokes on his aspirations too much.
- Wilhuff Tarkin - He's back, with a CGI face stuck firmly in the uncanny valley.
HK-47K-2SO - A surprisingly murderous reprogrammed Imperial droid. ZatoichiChirrut Îmwe - A blind Force-using warrior-monk whose vocabulary is limited to "I am one with the Force, the Force is with me". Definitely not a Jedi.
- Darth Vader - Die Rebel Die!
- Galen Erso - So that's why the Death Star had such an "idiotic flaw": it's because the entire staff planning and constructing it paid absolutely no attention to this guy adding it to the plans!
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Solo
- Han - The title character of the film. A street urchin from Corellia who escaped and later washed out of flight school only to later desert and resort to a life of crime. Responsible for funding the Rebellion but forgets all of that by the time he meets Luke. Gets his last name from a security check when he doesn't have a family.
- Qi'ra - Fellow street urchin and Han's love interest. Failing to escape until she joins up with the Crimson Dawn. Betrays her boss and takes his place.
- Tobias Beckett - Leader of a small gang trying to steal coaxium for the Crimson Dawn. Tries to betray Han, only to be bested.
- Chewbacca - A Clone Wars vet turned runaway slave. Han was fed to him, only for the two to hatch an escape plan together. Ends up becoming Han's best bud.
- Lando Calrissian - Famous smuggler and
card sharpexpert gambler. Recruited to retrieve coaxium for Crimson Dawn, then later loses his ship to Han in a game. ScarfaceDryden Vos - Underboss in the Crimson Dawn. Qi'ra owes her loyalty to him (for a time).
- L3-37 - Basically every civil rights leader ever. Lando's droid partner who starts a droid revolt on Kessel only to go the way of Dr. King.
- Darth Maul - Yes, he's back. Somehow escaping his ex-master's clutches after the Clone Wars and founding the Crimson Dawn.
The RationalWiki angle
“”Reddit: Who shot first? Han Solo or Greedo?
Harrison Ford: I don't know and I don't care.
- Star Wars explores how a small determined cabal of
neoconsSith Lords can use an invented "crisis" to manipulate a democracy through fear into acting against its own interest, thus becoming an Evil Empire. And all thanks to Jar Jar. See Brexit
- Star Wars presents a distilled version of Zoroastrianism, Buddhism, Taoism, and Christianity under a generic religion called The Force which grants magic powers to its initiates.
- Star Wars has one of the more hilariously self-contradictory ethics systems ever: Luke is fine with slaughtering legions of Imperial troops, womp rats, henchmen, and everyone on the Death Star, yet when he reaches Darth Vader, killing his former father would be "giving in to the Dark Side." However, there is a crucial difference: the Death Star is not defenseless (and is about to destroy an inhabited planet), but by the time Palpatine tries to goad Luke, Vader is already helpless and disarmed.
- With a more diverse cast and a female protagonist to boot, the sequel trilogy has faced complaints of pushing a feminist/social justice warrior agenda by people who are also quick to deny that their objections are rooted in misogyny and/or other prejudices. Of particular contention is a subplot in The Last Jedi where the female Vice Admiral Holdo is shown to be more competent than the male Poe Dameron, which has faced allegations of promoting feminism,[dead link] despite no focus being made on either character's gender. This has prompted the likes of Ben Shapiro, Sargon of Akkad, Alex Jones,, Dave Cullen and Milo Yiannopoulos to post rants of their own against the film. Milo's rant is particularly noteworthy because despite claiming women "ruined" Star Wars, he previously said the franchise was already horrible to begin with. On the other hand, many people on the Left felt that the last two films in the trilogy (especially The Rise of Skywalker) completely wasted the three main characters and, ironically, found some racist and sexist undertones with how they were handled in those movies.
Unsurprisingly, some Christian fundamentalists caught on to the popularity of something other than the Bible (and that "something" drew a bit of influence from Asian religious belief systems, no less). They denounced Star Wars as Satanic, compared it to Nazis, and as promoting the New World Order. Shoehorning, that is. The irony is that the trilogy is an anti-Nazi project; Lucas based the empire on the Third Reich and Darth Sidious on Hitler.
“”Will you join the Rebel Alliance? Donate $20.16 to help me keep up the momentum of my post-debate victory!
|—Rand Paul, 12/17/15 Tweet.|
Jedi are not allowed to feel emotion, they're not allowed to have romantic attachments, and believe in an invisible force binding the universe together, so you can see why libertarians can relate to that on personal grounds. (You seen the Jedi temple? It makes Apple's corporate HQ look like a duplex!)
In case anyone is curious what our favorite economist and
second third favorite philosopher would think of Star Wars, here's the latest and greatest "Greenspan is Vader" and "Obama is Palpatine" hot takes:
“”As Ludwig Von Mises was so intellectually consistent and pure he can be compared to none other than the great Jedi Master Yoda...The Sith lord and the dark side spread its influence behind the scenes by manipulating the political system just as central bankers and the creators of central banks did.
|—Not a cult.|
Jedi believe in working for others. Also, they were based on ronin, the most selfless guys imaginable (the word "Jedi" comes from jidai geki, Japanese for "period drama", i.e. those set in the feudal era of Japan when samurai predominated.) You get nothing, good day sir.
If you want to get really confused, check out the neocons´ "Maybe the Empire Were the Good Guys" logic chains, with such epic statements as:
“”Lucas confused the good guys with the bad. The deep lesson of Star Wars is that the Empire is good…. Make no mistake, as emperor, Palpatine is a dictator — but a relatively benign one, like Pinochet. It’s a dictatorship people can do business with. They collect taxes and patrol the skies. They try to stop organized crime (in the form of the smuggling rings run by the Hutts)
Bill Kristol adopts a similar view to his magazine, which doesn't exactly scream freedom:
“”Imperial stormtroopers kill Luke’s aunt and uncle and Grand Moff Tarkin orders the destruction of an entire planet, Alderaan. But viewed in context, these acts are less brutal than they initially appear. Poor Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen reach a grisly end, but only after they aid the rebellion by hiding Luke and harboring two fugitive droids. They aren’t given due process, but they are traitors."
Bonus: 2001 sucked.
There are too many to count, but only one (in film format) has stood the test of time: Mel Brooks' Spaceballs. Released four years after Return of the Jedi and deemed pointless by critics, it is now recognized as the last good moment of Brooks' cinema career.
The Original Battlefront Series, KOTOR, Dark Forces/Jedi Knight, X-Wing/TIE Fighter, Republic Commando, and Rogue Squadron. Play them. Avoid EA's Battlefront II like the plague though, unless you want a taste of glorified gambling in the form of loot boxes, play the original one instead.
There's also an old MMORPG named Star Wars Galaxies, and a newer MMORPG named Star Wars: The Old Republic. As with all MMORPGs, you should only play them if you don't ever want to have any free time again.
The LEGO Star Wars series did a surprisingly good job of retelling the prequel trilogy. Turns out that the story becomes substantially more entertaining once all the dialogue has been removed, and the more worthless characters given useful abilities. Plus you can pummel Jar Jar Binks into dismemberment as much as you like with no penalty.
- Patrick M. Byrne — Sith Lords feature in his paranoid delusions
- Star Trek
- Were the Sith really the bad guys?
- Fun with Star Wars quotes
- How Vader lost the Battle of Hoth (and with IR analysis!)
- The Force Skeptics page
- Neil deGrasse Tyson and Brian Cox have a nerdfight on the possibility of real-life lightsabers.
- The Star Wars That I Used To Know
- When I thought about midi-chlorians, only one thought kept me going...
- What if Episode I, II, and III were good? - See how simple that was, Oh Great Mansioned One?
- How The Phantom Menace Should Have Ended and its 3D Trailer
- 10 Reasons the Mansioned One Should Have Quit After Jedi (Only one reason for us.)
- And then there are these video reviews of the Unpleasantness:
- The First Unpleasantness
- The Second Unpleasantness
The Third UnpleaIt seems that the reviewer lost his patience with the Unpleasantness after the first two installments.
- Cantina Band, because John Fucking Williams.
- Mark Hamill reads Trump's Tweets as the Joker
- Say No to May the 4th
- Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. I exist, and I find it nauseating.
- Patton Oswalt's Episode VII Filibuster
- ↑ Due to rewrites, and other shenanigans, Rey can also be named Rey Solana, or Rey Skywalker
- ↑ We must not speak his name... (NSFL)
- ↑ Natalie Portman on 'Star Wars': 'No director wanted to work with me afterwards', NME
- ↑ original Reddit thread
- ↑ Is Jar Jar Binks the ultimate Star Wars bad guy? Yes, says the internet
- ↑ 
- ↑ And it's not just Leia.
- ↑ Or perhaps Grover, Kuato, or Jordi Pujol
- ↑ Thank you.
- ↑ Stormtroopers 9/11
- ↑ This is never explored in the movies. AT ALL. The few Expanded Universe authors who have drawn attention to this issue (Matthew Stover, Karen Traviss) are alternately loved and flamed by
ravenous rancorsfanboys. And even worse, the EU is effectively retconned now.
- ↑ Another possible difference is not ethical but psychological. Luke is tempted to kill Darth Vader out of anger, rather than simply as part of a necessary war. Anger is apparently an emotion that leads Jedi to the Dark Side.
- ↑ From a "reviewer" who refers to the female characters as "Asian bitch", "fat Asian bitch", and "purple-haired cunt".
- ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-t4bU3-lHA
- ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPsRp7uUXUk
- ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bET74_BkiRU
- ↑ MILO: 'Women Have Ruined Star Wars'...
- ↑ ...but if Star Wars is already garbage, how could it be ruined?
- ↑ https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/695/878/e8a.png
- ↑ Here, here, and here.
- ↑ Jack Martinez, "As ‘Star Wars’ Opens, Rand Paul Urges Backers to ‘Join the Rebel Alliance’", Newsweek.
- ↑ O'Connor, Dan, "The Clairvoyant George Lucas", Lew Rockwell, 4.18.13.
- ↑ Tucker, Jeffrey, "Star Wars, Their Wars", Lew Rockwell, 5.23.02.
- ↑ Vast, Jonathan V., "The Case for the Empire - Everything you think you know about Star Wars is wrong", The Weekly Standard, 5.15.02.
- ↑ Opening scene
- ↑ Comb the desert!
- ↑ Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
- ↑ Seriously! They explode into Lego pieces when killed.
- ↑ Okay, okay, here you go.